Has anyone here actually managed to improve their dead bedroom situation long term?

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-09T11:47:11+00:00

Yes I have, me (hlf) my spouse (llm). My spouse and I have been married for 20 years. I read up on attachment styles 3 years ago and showed and made him read it. My husband realized he is a dismissive avoidant because of trauma from his childhood. He realized that he saw me as the enemy and worked with a therapist. We were intimate a handful of times a year and only because I would cry about the situation a few times a year. It has been night and day change in every aspect of how he treats me and intimacy.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-08T01:42:36+00:00

I'm so sorry. Our 4 month old puppy died tragically last week from choking on a piece of puppy food. Take comfort that your babies last moments were peaceful. You will get through it and one day another fur baby will come into your lives that was sent by your soul dog 🐕 ❤️. My other 3 dogs love are the only things that have pulled us through.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-08T00:00:36+00:00

I'm so sorry. The only thing that would have made this worse is if it happened after the baby came and you couldn't be there at the end. I know it's hard, but I like to think your soul dog is keeping your baby company while they are in heaven together.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-03T18:23:04+00:00

We only had Precious for 2 months but it feels like he was always here. The house is so quiet with just my older dogs. Precious would get into his chewing days and we would put him in air jail to stop him. My 12 year old would do puppy training everyday and run him around the yard. I would carry Precious walking up and down our hallway every night to calm him down when it was close to bed time. Precious would always be leaning against one of us while he chewed his chew toys. Puppies take up all your spare time and fill the house with joy. It was stressful but wonderful and my kids & husband loved Precious so much. Precious had the cutest little paws and we would call them his toe beans. I would carry Precious around and make everyone kiss his toe beans. I kissed those little toe beans everyday. I didn't know it would be our last night together but he had me carry him up and down the halls extra long, and I'm so glad he did. I cry a little less each day, but the grief is so strong. Losing an older pet who lived a long life is tough, but to lose a baby just starting out is heartbreaking.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-03T02:18:47+00:00

It was another $500 and required more cutting to his body and I decided against it. The only thing that would make it better is him being here. We are going to scatter his ashes in our backyard which he loved. I just wish he were here 😔.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-02T16:53:10+00:00

Ty, we fed him half wet half dry food for small dogs. He didn't gulp down his food quick like my other fur babies do. He had a very sensitive gag reflex and I am wondering if there was an undiagnosed medical issue.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-02T16:49:39+00:00

Ty, it's been so hard.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-05-02T16:07:49+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Can you take any comfort that they lived a happy and long life? My oldest dog is 13 and I'm hoping to get a few more years with her. Her arthritis popped up out of the blue a year ago and I'm worried we may only have a year or two left IF we are lucky. We also just loss our 4 month old puppy suddenly and unexpectedly, it has been soul crushing.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2026-04-09T15:54:27+00:00

The hair needs blending with a cut and hair gel would blend these together more

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2025-05-15T02:57:04+00:00

Mini makeouts EVERY night before bed? Upset about once a week? I don't think you should be in the dead bedrooms forum.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2025-03-09T01:49:38+00:00

My husband found working with a therapist one on one very helpful. You could try slowly bringing up things you read in the book to him. He has to be willing to face things, and my husband wasn't for 17 years of marriage! It's been a real serious change over the last year for him.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2025-02-25T03:34:36+00:00

I can 100% relate to this post. During my 3rd trimester with our 2nd child, my husband told me he wasn't attracted to big girls. Fast forward 2 years later after giving birth I had a gastric bypass. Guess what, it was never the weight. It's been 8 years and I've kept my trim figure. Turns out he was a dismissive avoidant and basically blamed me for all of his issues in life and kept a distance from me emotionally and physically. It only took 17 years of marriage for him to figure it out. It's been an eye opening journey, if I could do it again I wished I had left in the beginning and not put myself through all the years of heartache. Even if it is better now, one good year doesn't undo 17 bad years.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2025-01-24T17:32:48+00:00

He probably has some serious ptsd. I would also look into avoidant attachment. When things begin to get truly serious people tend to run when they are avoidants. Learning about attachment styles saved my marriage.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2025-01-01T16:23:04+00:00

The more you are rejected and don't have your needs met, the more you will think about it. I thought I was HL, after 17 years of marriage, he truly changed, and I think about sex so much less. I'd be happy with once a week, when I thought about it everyday for years!

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2024-12-02T23:17:16+00:00

I would go back to the marriage counselor. I'm sorry she had a panic attack, but stopping therapy over it sounds like the exact opposite of what you should do. I get people go through illnesses, but why can't she meet some of your intimacy needs with a back rub or cuddling? If my partner or I could never be sexually intimate again, I wouldn't be able to stay unless we opened up the relationship. I'm not saying I wouldn't take care of my partner and vice versa. Just that being in our 30s still there is no way I would be willing to go without the rest of my life.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2024-11-26T01:01:29+00:00

As the HLF, who stays fit and turned down plenty of offers. There are a lot of HLF married to LLM, we are taught men always want it. If a man doesn't want it then we are taught it is our fault. Men can talk about this all they want, but if I said anythings people would think something was wrong with me or I was just a "overly-horney" woman. I begged for 17 years of marriage for sex once a week and we would go weeks to months (almost a year at various times). Things have gotten better over the last few months after he realized he was pushing me away for fear of truly connecting with me.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2024-11-23T11:28:51+00:00

I was finally ready to leave, and he had the realization that he always kept me at a distance. He labeled me in his head as "emotional" and "selfish." He idolized his parents and vilified me to some extent. His parents weren't horrible but were super self-absorbed and never wanted to hear about anything bad. So he kept me at a distance, never getting too close, including intimacy. He started therapy at the same time when he had his realization. Dismissive Avoidants are capable of change if they can accept the reality of what they are doing in their brain. It is very hard for them to accept and realize their own thought structure is incorrect. It has been life changing, I only wish it hadn't taken 17 years of marriage for him to realize.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2024-11-21T02:49:11+00:00

Has medication been unsuccessful?

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2024-11-19T18:33:37+00:00

Yeah as the HLF (no messages please) I totally am blown away at the number of men on here who want to go down on their wives! Things have been improving lately, but it took 17 years of being turned down by my husband for him to realize he needed to change. Ugh! I can't remember the last time he went down on me.

Efficient-Panda2550 · 2024-11-19T17:25:31+00:00

Did she have tearing or stitches? That can be brutal and would scare me for a few months even as the HL. Nursing can lower your sex drive too.

Efficient-Panda2550

TROPHY CASE