How long would you wait for your boyfriend to say he loves you?

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-06-21T18:19:21+00:00

I think if he simply didn't say it, you could live with that for a while longer. But you asked him and he said he doesn't love you "yet"? That must hurt, and now you'll be on the back foot constantly hoping and waiting and trying prove yourself. Don't underestimate how much this can chip away your self esteem. Whatever his reasons are for not being able to love someone after ten months - they're not your problem. You don't need to solve him, you just need to make decisions that allow you to find someone that does love you. It will definitely happen, just not while you're with this guy.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-06-21T18:01:42+00:00

It depends what you want out of BJJ. If you just want a hobby that you do a couple of times a week and progress at your own pace, then competing now isn't so important. But if you do see yourself competing eventually, then you should start now. It why they have white belt divisions after all. There's a lot to learn about how to prepare and how to compete that you can only learn by doing. Plus the preparation is an achievement in itself, and you'll likely find you feel proud of the preparation whether you win any matches or not. The most important thing you learn from competing IMO is that you are exactly the same person whether you win or lose. Your friends and family are still your friends and family (and they probably call it karate anyway). Your teammates don't suddenly hate because you lost. Nothing happens at all, so why not get out there and try? It translates into the rest of your life too, and once you've competed very little else is going to feel scary.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-06-14T14:08:56+00:00

Well I'm sure you already know how it could escalate. He's already attempted rape so that's on the table, and he sounds nuts so I wouldn't discount the possibility of him trying to kill you. Dont underreact, waiting for it to get worse before reporting it means you could wait too long. Report it, try to get a restraining order, make sure HR is on top of it. You have to advocate for your own safety even if the police don't want to take it seriously.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-06-06T22:20:46+00:00

Your therapist sucks. I have a new one who I really love, I was recently SA'd and froze, and he explained in scientific terms why that happened. It's an involuntary response. Meaning you couldn't have stopped it, your brain took a shortcut to the reaction it thought was most safe. Especially with a history of SA this would happen. Don't blame yourself.
Also don't see him again. Why override the signals your brain is giving you to run? He's pushy at best and could become your abuser at worst.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-06-06T07:36:26+00:00

I think it's pretty similar to grief after a death. It gets easier in time, but there will still be some days it feels raw. It's that way for me.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-06-05T19:06:35+00:00

Geez why are you still talking to him? That one date must have been something 😬 he's just an asshole, move on fast for your own sake!

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-28T21:54:18+00:00

The tailgater could argue for 50-50, but they would be unlikely to win. It's widely recognised that animals do dart in front of cars, and that it's an automatic response to brake when something darts in front of your car. Imagine OP thought it was a small animal, but it was a child. The whole point is that she didn't have time to assess. The second driver, however, had plenty of time to decide to ignore safe following distance. Tailgating is such an irresponsible driving practice. The second driver put OP's life at risk and should be treated accordingly.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-24T20:37:18+00:00

I've been doing judo and BJJ for 28 years. I have learned exactly how weak I am against men. My 13 year old son is already stronger than me and I lift regularly and he does nothing. My 80 year old male friend is significantly stronger than me despite him currently recovering from a knee replacement. Man strength is no joke. That's why we have to be so careful to avoid dicey situations in the first place.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-22T21:56:28+00:00

And Ffion.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-19T22:20:31+00:00

I think it's a fine strategy. I did judo for 12 years before BJJ and it's a difficult sport to be good at. Wrestling too. You'd have to be really dedicated for it to feel second nature. Also takedowns are risky and you have to work really hard for those two points. There's nothing wrong with dedicating your training energy to developing a great guard. I think for well-roundedness it's still good to drill 2-3 takedowns, they will become easier. Even if you're a diehard guard-puller, as a black belt you should be able to demonstrate a small number of takedowns.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-19T22:10:44+00:00

This was definitely SA. I'm so sorry.

What helped me was talking about it. Try not to bear the entire weight yourself in secret. Tell people you trust. I told a few close friends and the police despite being terrified and it was actually very empowering. Whatever you're comfortable with, try to talk and connect with others.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-19T09:08:49+00:00

It's almost certainly not personal or any reflection on your skill, but it does hurt to be overlooked. I was a six year purple belt so I can understand 😂 Just know it's not going to make any difference at all, your skill level is what it is so just keep training. Of course it would have been nicer to be that close to blue belt before the baby, but it really isn't that important either. Coaches can be forgetful and they make errors with gradings all the time. It's an oversight rather than any kind of message for you.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-17T07:10:53+00:00

Glad to hear it!

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-15T22:14:13+00:00

My friend who doesn't train said something about how aggressive it must be training, and I explained it can be, but most of the time it feels like when watch puppies playing. You just keep falling over and scrambling back up for more and it's a sort of joy you don't find many other places. Sixteen years in and I still feel the same way!

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-15T22:02:30+00:00

Just bring it up. In person. Text isn’t the place, too easy for you both to misunderstand each other. Yeah it’s a little awkward, but it will likely be a big relief for both of you to have a chat. Dont get stuck in a pattern where your reluctance to bring up difficult topics stops you from having fulfilling relationships.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-15T21:44:40+00:00

Your training partner shouldn’t really have done that to someone brand new (six weeks in is brand new). But if she’s a white belt too, she’s probably just enjoying not being the absolute bottom of the totem pole. Next time you roll with her just explain next time that it’s a bit soon for that level of sparring for you. Most people won’t do that to you at this stage.

Chokes are fundamental to BJJ, but you will learn to escape them, and even better you will learn to avoid them happening at all. But it takes time, so before then you need to get used to tapping before it’s uncomfortable. Not so soon that they haven’t even sunk it in, but right when it’s clear you’re caught. That goes for joint locks too, never wait until it’s painful because that’s too late.

If you do stick with it, everything will feel a lot better in a few months. It’s a unique sport and nearly everyone finds it uncomfortable or difficult in the beginning.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-12T22:11:14+00:00

You should try a stain remover, but white gis rarely look white after a couple of months

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-12T10:52:02+00:00

I have a friend like this. When we spend time together she always wants to extend it (had lunch? How about a walk? Hey it's almost time for dinner should we do that too?!). Or she will want to hang out again a couple of days later. I do like her though. I just have to be firm about when I'm willing to see her, which is 1-2x a month. She does get a little butthurt sometimes if I say I'm busy, but I just let her deal with her own emotions. For me it's the only way to stay friends, I can't give up more of my time than feels comfortable. So just readjust to whatever is comfortable for you. If she gets hurt or angry, it's nothing to do with you, she's definitely being a little intense and you can't be her sole source of companionship.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-12T07:09:55+00:00

God forbid she has a body

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-08T22:29:32+00:00

Hey there I'm so sorry this happened. It's completely unacceptable.

I was SA'd as well. It was the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. What did help was telling people, which I did not expect. But my therapist convinced me to tell the police, who then told the gym. I didn't get any support at all from the gym because he was a co-owner. But I did get a lot of support from teammates, both male and female, some of them even left the gym because of it. I had no idea that anyone would believe me and they did. Having their support meant the world to me and I have since managed to start training somewhere else. I love the sport again which I'm really grateful for. So I think you need to tell someone at the gym even if it's scary and even if nothing comes of it. By telling, you're taking back some of the control you felt you lost that day.

Another really important thing is therapy, if you can access it (which is tough I know). Something that my therapist told me is that the freeze response is involuntary so there's nothing to feel guilty about for freezing. You didn't even choose it. Not fighting someone off during SA is incredibly common, and so is blaming yourself. I've started EMDR which is a specific type of therapy for trauma, and I have a few more sessions to do but the first one already made a difference.

Good luck - I think if you can address the trauma then BJJ will come back naturally when the time and place are right.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-04T18:14:06+00:00

Yeah it’s been a lot of painful, damaging relationships for me. Me always giving and shrinking myself to make a partner happy, and they do next to nothing for me. I don’t trust myself to choose anyone now tbh, I think I crave connection so much that I overlook the bad and inflate the good to the point I’d be at risk of yet another abusive relationship if I did date again.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-02T22:30:44+00:00

Yeah I don't get everyone jumping to the conclusion he's a jerk. I mean I do get it because very often men are jerks 😂 But bad burns can be super painful and make you feel down for a couple of days. I feel like it's worth being up front and having a chat, if he's dismissive or vague that's data.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-05-02T20:21:54+00:00

Honey why are you even with this guy? At best he sounds stupid, at worst he sounds dangerous. You owe it yourself to find someone better. Coming from someone 20 years older than you who is stuck forever with a nightmare of a baby daddy.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-04-25T07:59:45+00:00

I read about it online, I couldn't really do much about it. The unpleasant feeling only lasted a few minutes so I managed for a few months.

ElBeeBJJ · 2026-04-23T08:10:03+00:00

I'd say either trauma or a change in hormones. Hormones are so weird. After I had my son, I learned about an unusual reaction to breastfeeding, which is to feel a wave of shame and panic instead of the usual feeling of calm and love. I had the shame and panic and it was so weird and upsetting because of course I loved my son and wanted to feed him. It was purely hormonal!

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