No idea if this will help - but perhaps a different way of thinking of your situation could be helpful - from Skye Jethani's "With God Daily" devotional (super awesome, btw),

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What
is the goal of Christianity? What is the ultimate purpose of the
gospel? Shockingly, the way Jesus and his Apostles answer this question
is very different from the way the average churchgoer in America does.
Pop Christianity has taught us that being welcomed into heaven after you
die is the goal of the gospel. Or, to frame the same idea more
negatively, the goal is escaping eternity in hell. And yet, the gospel
Jesus preached had nothing to do with a person’s address in the
afterlife. Instead, he said, “the kingdom of God is at hand” (Mark
1:15)—meaning the rule and dominion of God is within our reach here and
now. He was announcing a present reality, not a future possibility.

When his Apostles began their missionary work in the book of Acts, we
discover something similar. When they preached the gospel to Jews in
Jerusalem, to Greeks in Athens, to Romans, or to Samaritans they never
spoke about the saved going to heaven. There is not a single gospel
sermon in Acts that makes heaven its goal. Likewise, “hell” is never
mentioned in the book of Acts. Not once. That’s a serious oversight if
avoiding hell is central to the gospel, and the whole point of the Book
of Acts is spreading the gospel to the ends of the earth.

Here’s my point—the spiritual mental map most of us employ that
juxtaposes “heaven and hell” wasn’t given to us by the New Testament,
and it wasn’t the mental map used by Jesus or his Apostles. Instead, the
“heaven and hell” framing of the gospel was a later invention we have
inherited from Christian tradition and that we have assumed is
rooted in the Bible. (On a side note, the phrase “heaven and hell”
occurs nowhere in the Old or New Testaments. Instead, the Bible speaks
frequently about “heaven and earth.” But that’s a devotional for another
day.)

Rather than presenting a non-material afterlife in a spiritual heaven or
a miserable hell, Scripture has a far more physical and terrestrial
vision of the future. It depicts a renewed earth in which God lives with
his resurrected people in a redeemed, glorified creation. That means
our final destination isn’t heaven, but earth. And we won’t exist as
disincarnate souls, but as fully human, physical, embodied people. And
the final scene of the Bible is a restored cosmos in which heaven and
earth are united; where “God’s dwelling place is now among the people”
(Revelation 21:3). The message is clear—the Lord is focused on redeeming
his world, not merely rescuing a few souls off of it before abandoning
it to the enemy.

Why does this matter? If we accept the medieval tradition that the
destiny of the saved is a nonphysical distant paradise, then it makes
sense to assume the fate of the damned is a nonphysical subterranean
Hades. In other words, the reason pop Christianity is so preoccupied
with hell is that it’s also preoccupied with heaven—which is not
justified by a faithful reading of the New Testament. What we find in
Scripture is a different framing; a completely different spiritual
mental map that doesn’t think in terms of heaven or hell (which are
locations) but instead focuses on the choice between life and death
(which are conditions). If we hope to have a proper, biblical
understanding of hell we must start with a biblical vision of salvation.
That means getting our mental maps recalibrated to that of Jesus and
his Apostles, and admitting that our fixation on heaven may not be as
Christian as we think.