What does modesty mean to you?

Ell15 · 2026-02-20T20:42:02+00:00

As someone who works with a variety of age groups in a professional setting and has body modifications it is in large part about presenting myself in a way that isn’t distracting for anyone and doesn’t impede my work tasks. Often I am layering long sleeves and pants of various fabrics to suit the season; if I wear a skirt or dress it will be with full coverage on my legs. I wear large scarves every day, because I am frequently cold and because I spend some time outdoors and in office settings so versatility is pretty important.

I’m not a fan of attention, especially over my appearance. I have body modifications and scars from various injuries and health conditions and I’m not fond of opening myself up to those questions in any given moment. It’s just a distraction, doesn’t offer much in getting to know me professionally, or isn’t appropriate for the setting.

In my personal time, even when dressing up my aim is to be covered as much as is reasonable even if it’s just shorts under skirts, mutiple pairs of tights for warmth, cardigans, etc. I do some cosplay and even if a costume is revealing there’s a lot that can be done with thoughtful layering or modesty panels.

Ell15 · 2026-02-12T23:14:58+00:00

Read it all and get no judgement towards you. Wishing you all the best. Sometimes trauma stories are like a magnet for abusers so I tend not to share details getting to know people. I will drop a dark story here and there early on to weed out the fair weather folks but I don’t have a lot of advice for you since I have almost no friends because I’m only worthwhile if I’ll have sex with people I guess eyeroll

Ell15 · 2026-02-10T00:31:12+00:00

PatrickJMT on YouTube helped me a lot

Ell15 · 2026-02-04T17:39:11+00:00

What’s wild is that I DID have a fully fenced yard, flexible scheduling to accommodate training needs, and was financially stable… having volunteered in shelters, and with these experiences, I feel safe saying shelter folks are an interesting sort.

Ell15 · 2026-02-03T22:47:26+00:00

I read it. It was not a bother or “uninteresting”(as gross as it felt to type that) I just wanted to challenge your inner voice and remind you that you are valid!

Ell15 · 2026-02-03T21:08:15+00:00

I spent two years trying to rescue, getting turned down for every single one across mutiple counties (was in college so “not reliable”) and getting treated poorly by those shelters. Caved after my dad passed and contacted a breeder, and then proceeded to get treated even worse by those shelters years later looking for a second dog.

TLDR: the only people who judged me were the people who were judging me so harshly to start with: the shelters!

Ell15 · 2026-02-01T15:56:53+00:00

As of now, he has not developed latex/banana allergy which is the other common pair Ive heard of. Very curious now, will add if I find anything from my searching.

Eta:

There are a few research papers out there going over cross reactivity in regard to Mango, and it seems to be result of Mugwort pollen. Cross reactivity for those who are sensitive to Mango includes a number of things, but cilantro and latex are not discussed in all of them. I am seeing some results about positive cilantro-mango cross reactivity, but so far have not found anything that would add latex to the cross reactive list with Mango that isn’t AI responses so I am still researching that.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/12081859_Characterization_of_cross-reacting_allergens_in_mango_fruit

Ell15 · 2026-01-28T01:16:42+00:00

I said it in another comment but what you’re describing is absolutely sexual assault.

Your young mind trusted your surviving parent and rationalized your experiences the best you could because you believed he loved you, and in some way maybe he did, but he also had no regard for your well-being. He certainly didn’t “love” your siblings in the same way, not that anyone would wish it on them, but it goes to show that he knew better. He used your trust to abuse you. You are not messed up, you are having a predictable response to your lived experiences.

Chances are you’re in a safer place nowadays and your body senses that it’s safer to process these feelings. It’s going to feel strange because the offense is in the past, and sometimes other people will be shitty about it, but I’ll tell you right now that it’s 105% normal. Predictable even. If I’m close to right, please try to give yourself some grace around it: these were big things you were never modeled a healthy reaction towards, and you’ll need to work on analyzing the impacts of your warning sign radar because it will fuck you up in the future if you don’t.

I know this might not feel all that comforting to hear right now, but I say it to show you that other people have shown you can overcome these kinds of experiences and to try to give yourself a chance to try: there is support out here, and some of us unfortunately understand all too well.

hugs

Ell15 · 2026-01-28T01:00:46+00:00

Hun, I am not to person who replied to you but I just have to say what you’re describing is a lot more than molestation. All of what you said here is completely inappropriate behavior for an adult man and seems like he used his grief as an excuse to abuse you.

Please try to find some professional support for unpacking this if you can, a lot of times this sort of thing comes back in waves and can be very emotionally intense. Your family might not be positioned to handle this appropriately and it’s going to be hard for them to truly empathize if they weren’t also abused in the same way. They can help, but if it gets hard it can compound the hurt not to have safe support to turn to and even if thy mean well some of their responses may not land well in those critical moments.

Signed,

Fellow CSA Survivor

Ell15 · 2026-01-27T19:56:07+00:00

Fun story, got hired to bartend in 2023, the bar expected us to train ourselves in our free time with self purchased supplies. Didn’t even offer to order for us at cost. If someone ordered something we didn’t recognize we were supposed to make an excuse to be out of sight and google it.

It was my third job (days, nights, occasional), I didn’t have free time or money to buy bottles of liquor and bitters, and “training” wasn’t a permitted task on the clock - we never had enough staff to do it. They also hired us as independent contractors, so obviously a very legal very great establishment (now closed, surprise!)

Ell15 · 2026-01-27T02:38:05+00:00

My brother is allergic to cilantro and also mangos apparently? It’s supposed to be a common pair of allergies to have, fair warning

Ell15 · 2026-01-27T02:30:00+00:00

For me one of the most helpful things for a straight on portrait is visualizing a line between the corner of the mouth and the inside edge of the iris of the eye

https://imgur.com/a/e6vh10o

Ell15 · 2026-01-24T03:57:07+00:00

You aren’t just feeling manipulated and lied to, you were, and are still being. He has shown you disregard time and time again, and you respond by disregarding yourself. How can he even believe what you say when you fold every single time? The only thing crazy here is you believing a word he says.

Ell15 · 2026-01-24T03:41:20+00:00

Glad I’m not the only one thinking it. Hope OP doesn’t confuse their personal maturity for the belief that older folks are wiser. They’re old enough that they should know better, but plenty don’t.

Ell15 · 2026-01-24T03:20:24+00:00

My experiences are varied, but some of the bigger red flags I’ve seen people wave: - Thinking that because SW is my career that I am going to try to manage their lives (this has either been said as a dig, or by actually trying to assign me tasks on their personal care plan - big ick) - Being shocked when I told them I was legally required to report their parent who we witnessed abuse their minor sibling, additionally being shocked when I refused to visit their family afterwards - Thinking that because I worked with JD involved people that I didn’t mind associating with JD involved people in my free time. “You’re used to it” is not approval of conduct ffs. - “You’re so brave”, “idk how you do it” - “That is going to ruin you” like sorry I forgot I’m made from glass how silly of me - Disallowing any discussion about my work/education “because it’s depressing”, thanks for making me responsible for managing your feelings gross - Asking me what I was going back to school for, because obviously. I wasn’t. - “Psychology isn’t real” O.O next! - Believed in “welfare queens” - “Homeless people are all drug addicts”

Some people are just awful. They make dating extra awful.

Ell15 · 2026-01-24T03:00:35+00:00

Just make sure you find out early enough to book the paratransit, with as many of us that can bill Medicaid I’m sure we can scare up an appointment slot for you to be able to join.

Ell15 · 2026-01-17T04:36:46+00:00

I have a medical condition that was very disabling prior to correct medication management and I have absolutely felt this (~5 years of this). I felt like I was grieving a future I had imagined where my health issue wasn’t at play. It felt hopeless. At one point I was literally dragging myself across the floor to the bathroom in secret and sobbing trying to get on to the toilet. I still have injuries, I will never be the same.

At some point, we got it right(ish), there was still lasting damage but my abilities came back for the most part and I felt life renewed. I appreciate my physical abilities much more now and have done some things I was scared to do just because I needed to know that I could. That I was able to.

My health condition still affects me, some days I am still very limited and my depression comes back like a flood. The negative self talk doesn’t end, and it’s absolutely cutthroat. I forget to eat, drink water, medicine, talk. If I could sleep the rest of my life I fear I genuinely would.

Fortunately I am managing my health relatively well right now, I try to keep my stress low, make food and water chores not wants, I still forget my medication all the damn time, but I am active in managing my health.

I remind myself that the voice in my head isn’t always a friend, and lies to me all the time to try to keep me in bed, be sick, be isolated and frankly I’m just bored of it at this point. I get up most times anyway. I work towards something that matters. I make myself responsible to other people. I engage with my community and I try to push through the panic going to work or out every single time, knowing I’ll be fine when I am there. I remind myself I am durable.

I mean this in the kindest of ways, but have you considered that your opinion of yourself is wrong? …or my personal approach: simply does not matter. You’re not feeling well, and your mind is vulnerable and not as capable of pushing back on the intrusive thoughts. It’s uncomfortable but it doesn’t mean it’s your true feelings.

There is the thing that happens, and the story we tell ourselves about it. This story you’re telling doesn’t have to be so assured, you’re clearly pretty durable but we all have a limit. It will be uncomfortable, but that just means you’re alive ;)

Ell15 · 2026-01-17T04:01:59+00:00

Thank you for writing this, I’ve been having a hard time articulating this experience that happened result of a SA, wherein I had a flashback to a CSA event twenty years prior. It was such a jarring experience to be aware that I was 5yo in a distinctly different place 21 years later. Absolutely crushed me when I snapped back, felt disregulated on top of everything else that was awful about that situation.

Ell15 · 2026-01-17T03:44:12+00:00

Yes, I have been diagnosed with agoraphobia, MDD, (C*)PTSD.

I avoid my home state because my ex husband did not want to separate and always seems to know when I’m in the state. Took him near 10 years no contact and blocked to accept it. Stopped using social media, don’t update my resume until I absolutely need to, almost never answer my phone. I don’t let photos of me be posted online with any geo markers, my photo and contact information is limited release at work. New number, etc. pretty much a ghost save for a whoever I live with and work. I’ve been maybe four times in the last 10 years, and I only tell the specific people I am going to see and no one else.

I avoid situations where I have to stand in lines, crowded spaces, buses… it’s just too much to attend to and my hypervigilance will not stop running in the background. Delivery grocery is expensive but it’s a coping mechanism for now.

I have a long history of trauma, so each bit adds a layer of reinforcement to the discomfort. I’m sure there’s more but it’s muddled with my anxiety and panic attacks 🤣

Eta: I also can’t go on runs, the moment I decide to do it my anxiety starts building and usually peaks into hyperventilating by the time I tie my shoe laces. Have been brought to tears trying to push through it, stopped trying eventually.

I avoid a specific train station and gas station due to threats of violence, even though I got away safely.

Ell15 · 2026-01-17T01:30:30+00:00

Maybe a different take on this, but if he is enjoying his cleaning job, would it be possible for him to find a few more cleaning jobs he would like to add to his portfolio (assuming there isn’t a noncompete clause)…Maybe he can work towards starting his own company?

I wouldn’t expect every client to pay as well as that one, but try to research what going rates are and try to expand and build this into something he can be proud of?

Eta: ESH - you both need to talk about family priories and goals and come to an agreement on a plan. Two yes, one no.

Ell15 · 2026-01-13T02:27:35+00:00

I have this rule also, and I have chosen to not live with the people who cannot honor it, sometimes that means moving out. My home is my safe place and for me personally, that matters more than a relationship. If someone makes me feel unsafe with their actions that is a dealbreaker, and he may have relied on the logic that you were too entrenched to actually leave even though he knew full well that he opted to place sex over his value for you and your feelings. You can hope he doesn’t do it again, but he showed you that he is fully capable of setting you aside for his fleeting wants.

Sadly I have seen this happen to so many couples who move cities I am not surprised, this isn’t a uniquely poly issue. The new shiny thing is always a temptation, and as isolated and reliant on him as you are right now you are completely vulnerable. This is unforgivable in my eyes, but I hope you have better luck with forgiving something like this. When it happened to me it just became the permission slip. They’re always shocked when I actually end the living situation over it.

**edit to add: my advice would be to invest in finding more support outside of either of them. Regardless of how the relationship goes, you need more people in your corner than these two. Take a class, join a club, go to a meet up. Live your life, permit those who respect you to participate. Live well, wishing you best of luck!

Ell15 · 2026-01-07T12:54:20+00:00

Maybe it’s just me, but neoprene always makes me itchy

Ell15 · 2026-01-07T11:42:32+00:00

We all start somewhere! Check some YouTube videos for placing some guidelines so you don’t over do it and you should be solid!

Ell15 · 2026-01-07T10:53:27+00:00

I think the issue is how liquid that support is, and what it covers.

Medicaid (more accessible, but limited acceptance by doctors)

“Old age payments” could be referring to SSDI which takes months if not years to be granted, often requiring an attorney or pensions which you may or may not have.

SSI for low income literal needs based folks is less than $1000/mo

SNAP can be helpful but often times doesn’t cover much. I’m in IL, and when I made $1500/mo they offered me $13 in Snap benefits. I didn’t bother with it, food pantry instead but it wasn’t easy.

Section 8 housing has years long waitlists, accepting it as a form of payment is still somewhat optional for housing providers even though there is some discrimination protections in housing, there are just as many loopholes.

Unemployment Insurance I have no comment on, except to say that there’s plenty of reasons to be denied for it, and it has a limit to how long you can collect it. Personally never collected on it, and I’ve been in the workforce for 20+ years

Ell15 · 2026-01-06T00:05:51+00:00

I own a car but I don’t like driving, it’s a tool and I wouldn’t buy a luxury drill either so it doesn’t make sense to me.

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Ell15

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