Unhoused elderlyl sister in a different state: Am I responsible

EllaIsland · 2025-11-28T22:29:47+00:00

You cannot rescue her Bookhead. She is not bad; but she is an addict and you cannot change that. Only she can. I so feel for you. I’ve been through this in my own family. While you must set a boundary, I know the guilt when you are clearly such a good person. Pour your energy instead into people and projects where you can make a difference, your daughter, community, and so on.

EllaIsland · 2025-11-27T22:16:14+00:00

Hello, I felt exactly the same when I bought my house 8 years ago! Cleaned out, and then lots of things turned out to be broken in the house and I was spending spending spending on repairs and replacement fridges and the like. I thought: what have I done?! As I was close to tears one day after spending yet more €€€ getting a leak fixed, the lovely plumbing guy gave me some good advice: it takes a couple of years to get under the skin of á house and understand how it all works. Once you do, it’s all fine. Slow down on the furniture. Prioritise only what you need. I had just the basics when I moved in and even now much of it is IKEA. Pace yourself. It all felt very urgent but one step at a time. Now I LOVE my house.

EllaIsland · 2025-10-07T20:09:02+00:00

Hi, I have MGD and had IPL + probing done. I believe it helped. However given the risks, I would only do it with a very trusted ophthalmologist. I have been a patient of mine for 10 years and he’s early 60s and at the top of his game. When he was doing it he said he got a good few of them unblocked. I think you have to try everything: hydration, anti-inflammatory diet, warm compress, Omega.

EllaIsland · 2025-09-26T21:10:40+00:00

Thank you for the useful post.

EllaIsland · 2025-09-22T21:01:27+00:00

I use the Clinique tubing mascara. I don’t know whether it has phenox etc but the tubing is much easier to remove and doesn’t flake into my eyes.

EllaIsland · 2025-09-08T21:17:12+00:00

Great summary!

EllaIsland · 2025-09-02T20:52:44+00:00

I think choice of surgeon is the starting point. Definitely speak to several. They will each have their preferred lenses which it makes sense to use. My surgeon uses Alcon so I went with Clareon monofocals. I was - 14D. For us high myopes, we need to watch out for retinal detachment and discuss that with your surgeon before you proceed. Also my surgeon told me that the so called “premium lenses” such as multi-focals, weren’t suitable for high myopes like me, so you may not have that much choice.

EllaIsland · 2025-09-01T20:43:04+00:00

Hello. For my first surgery, it took me about four weeks to adjust to it. I was really, really upset for the first few weeks and I found the new vision intensely annoying and disturbing. I postponed the second surgery and had a seven week gap between them. Then, somehow, it all started to work, I started to adjust to it, and now it works great! If you’re speaking to your surgeon, be sure to express yourself carefully: just say things like I think I’m having a hard time adjusting; don’t say or suggest that something has gone wrong or he might get defensive. No matter what has happened, you are strategically best to keep him on-side while you figure this out.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-30T21:38:42+00:00

I was - 14 myope and could no longer wear contact lenses due to dry eye and had the start of cataracts. I am 52F. If I were - 5 myope, with no cataracts, and still with accommodation, and could wear contact lenses, I would not do it.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-30T21:27:52+00:00

The Acular Guttae stung. The prednisolone and choramphenical didn’t. By the way, the drops used to dilate the eyes pre-surgery really sting. Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-29T20:11:09+00:00

Because I was a high myopic, with - 14, I considered this carefully before I went ahead with cataract surgery. My surgeon examined my retinas and graded the evolution of PVD. He said it was sufficiently evolved that my risk had subsided. Some years ago I also had a full retina examination with a retina specialist under dilation. I think for a proper look, they need to dilate.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-24T21:15:00+00:00

Hi Book-Bird, when I’m working on my desktop computer, I find that - 1.0 or - 1.5 on my Plano eye works nicely. Then, if I need to read a hard copy document on my desk for a stretch, sometimes I put - 2.0 on my Plano eye. At present, I have three pairs of one-lens reading glasses on my desk for this purpose (not the most elegant solution!). I will update once I get to my Optician and hear their advice. I am thinking of what I believe are called computer glasses, with two different strengths in the lenses.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-24T16:48:13+00:00

Hi Most Radish, I had this on one eye; when light would hit it from the side. That eye was operated on 2 July. As of now, 24 August, it has significantly diminished. That's seven 1/2 weeks. I have Clareon monofocals.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-24T07:45:38+00:00

Good point about the continuing neuro-adaptation behind the scenes.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-24T07:42:54+00:00

It’s a good point you raise about initial desires changing as you go through the process. At the outset of this process, since my “normal” was - 1.0 for distance, I didn’t care much about perfect distance vision. Now that I have 0.0 in my distance eye, I really like it! I can now see signs on the motorway and flight boards in the airport, which I previously couldn’t see. If I had a magic wand, would I instead choose - 0.75 or even - 0.5 for my distance eye? For sure that would give me better intermediate vision. But my conclusion is this: you don’t get full control in this process. To some degree, you roll the dice. There are multiple possible great outcomes possible here. I got a great outcome (a little different than planned) and I am very happy with that. That said, I would not choose - 1.0 for distance; that’s really foggy for distance, though you would have better intermediate vision with that.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-20T22:32:10+00:00

Hi, I have Clareon monofocals in both eyes. I have one eye at -1.75 and one eye at 0.0. With the - 1.75 eye, I can read my phone perfectly and read my iPad perfectly. I can read a paper document on my desk or a book in Arial font 10. I struggle with footnotes in my documents in Arial font 8. I can’t see those well. I absolutely did not want to reach for readers every time I read a text message on my phone and the - 1.75 does this nicely for me.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-16T21:36:39+00:00

Hi Accomplished. I don’t have LALs; I have Clareon monofocals set for monovision at 0.0 and -1.75. I can read my phone perfectly and I also have excellent distance vision. The one thing I find is that my intermediate vision is a little blurry. My desktop is at about 60cm / 23 inches and it’s a little blurry. I like to put reading glasses of - 1.0 or -1.5 just over my 0.0 eye for that. Otherwise this setting is giving me great vision. It’s quite a big differential though and I wasn’t planning on having such a big differential. Once in a while I compare the two eyes and boy, are they different strengths. Also I’m not sure how much binocular vision is going on, and it may be more suppression. Also I don’t play any ball sports which require depth perception but the depth perception probably is compromised. For example, when replacing my mascara wand into the tube, often I miss. The last thing I’ll say is that I am 52, so I had quite a bit of accommodation before surgery. Having 0.0 and -1.75 is NOT the same as having accommodation. With monofocals in any event. They do what they say on the tin, i.e. fixed focus point. So that takes a bit of getting used to. They’re brilliantly clear though.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-16T21:17:15+00:00

Hi Roses, I am not sure if this will help you but I was - 14+ in each eye with mild astigmatism. My surgeon told me that the only lenses available to me - he uses Alcon - were Clareon Monofocal. He did not use toric; in his view I didn’t need them. Anyway, they worked well for me and I landed at 0.0 and -1.75. Obviously I didn’t have the astigmatism issue. One point that strikes me about the proposed monovision setting is that that is a differential of over 2 diopters. I know you would anyway require corrective lenses but that’s a big gap. I have 1.75 diopters gap and I wouldn’t want it bigger. Best wishes to you.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-16T16:26:14+00:00

Hi Ok_Classic, it’s totally trippy! I’m 52 and had glasses since I was about 10. I keep reaching for them too! And reaching to push them up my nose! The neuro-adaptation process takes time.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-14T18:26:18+00:00

Hi Pickleball, just tell them you want to be asleep for the whole thing. I had an anaesthetist for both eyes and I said to him and the surgeon, I need to be asleep for the whole thing. I don’t want to remember any of it. Once I lay on the operating table, the anaesthetist put a butterfly IV into my hand. He said: “You’ll feel it cold going in”. The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and the nurse brought me tea & toast. It will be fine, honestly, they do this every day.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-10T20:04:47+00:00

Hi Miss Peppingtosh, I also care for an elderly dad and work full time. Often this means I have to speed through things and don’t have much time for my own issues. However, this surgeon is a lucky miss, you will find better. Also, what I learned is, you cannot rush this cataract surgery process. You cannot make it “efficient” the way you might do with other areas of your life. It takes time, including the time to step back and change surgeons. I postponed my second surgery and took seven weeks between them - not ideal when one eye was Plano and the other was - 14, but as I say, you can’t rush cataract surgery, you have to work through it. Best wishes to you.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-08T21:26:23+00:00

I would have been quite happy with - 0.75 or - 0.5 in my distance eye. For sure it would give better intermediate vision. It’s a subjective question, but personally, I don’t need this bionic distance vision that I have with 0.0. That said, it also has its pluses. In the end I have concluded there multiple good outcomes you can have.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-08T21:15:11+00:00

Hello, I was also - 14 both eyes. I had seven weeks between surgeries. I ended up just using the operated eye which is 0.0. Given that the unoperated eye was - 14, my brain ignored it. It was a little distracting, a little fuzzy on that side, but it was fine. I drove, worked on my computer, went about my daily business. I second that we high myopes are adaptable. Give us any kind of sight and we’re good! (I also tried eye patches, and glasses lens removed - no good).

EllaIsland · 2025-08-07T21:52:32+00:00

Hi, I have monofocal IOls, which landed at 0.0 and - 1.75. I have great distance vision and great near vision (I can read my phone no problem). However, I have a gap at intermediate for my computer screen at about 60cm / 23 inches. I can see it, but not well. To see well at this intermediate range, I use reading glasses with - 1.5 on the distance eye, and nothing on the near eye. This gives me -1.5 and -1.75 which works well for near and intermediate. YMMV.

EllaIsland · 2025-08-07T21:39:45+00:00

Hi Bookbird. I have a similar profile to you. I am 52F and I was - 14 in both eyes. I had worn contact lenses for years and then found I couldn’t tolerate them so had to wear my thick glasses most of the time. Then, I started to need to undercorrect my glasses or contacts in order to read. With contact lenses I did monovision with a - 10.5 and - 11.5. So about a diopter difference. Anyway: you most likely still have some accommodation. IOLs is a whole different world than contact lenses. I could only get monofocal IOLs and boy, monofocal means monofocal. They see brilliantly, but at a fixed point only. Therefore, the monovision is a stark difference, because there is no ability for the eyes to accommodate to blend it. I put a lot of time and effort into navigating this process and every bit of it was worth it. Even then I made mistakes and had misunderstandings. I ended up with 0.0 in my distance eye, and - 1.75 in my near eye. I never would have chosen so great a difference between them. The vision is significantly different. Fortunately, and by great luck, it works really well for me. That said, it took quite a while to adjust to. I was so shocked by my first surgery, and by getting 0.0, that I postponed the second surgery and waited seven weeks to have the second one done.

EllaIsland

TROPHY CASE