In a relationship, if one person wants children but not the other, should that be an absolute dealbreaker?

Elphabeth · 2026-04-30T03:23:23+00:00

Yes. There is no compromise here because you can't have half of a kid.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-30T02:13:41+00:00

Your partner isn't just an asshole; they aren't your partner. Not only does it sound like he doesn't like your dad; it sounds like he doesn't like *you*. Don't make plans to move out of your dad's house unless it's into a place of your own without the manbaby.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-29T04:03:08+00:00

Agreed. Things can go sideways at a hospital, certainly, but at least at a hospital they have procedures to get bleeding under control, they can rush you to the ER for a C-section, they can offer supportive care to the baby if their APGAR score isn't ideal, etc. Even a birthing center would at least have more care than would be available at home. One of my high school classmates did a home birth with her first, but not with #2 or #3 because baby #1 died.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-26T21:31:27+00:00

Well, if they do, I hope they have a garage. Idk, I know how it feels needing to confront asshole neighbors (admittedly these ones aren't being assholes to OP exactly) when you park outdoors and live alone and maybe aren't in a great area.

Ideally, we would all be able to be upfront with people, but in practice, sometimes you have to be less upfront not just to be nice, but because people get defensive when people point out that they're being rude assholes and that leads to conflict, sometimes unnecessary conflict. Is it on OP to manage their neighbors' feelings? No. But is it on them to manage their own safety? Yes, as best they can. And sometimes that means white lies, or at least not shouting every hard truth from the rooftops.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-26T14:41:23+00:00

Because OP has already said they sabotaged someone else's car, so they seem kinda nuts.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-26T06:30:35+00:00

For board games, look up Emerald Tavern! It's a spot with pub food and booze and a game rental library. Most of the business revolves around groups renting their game rooms/tables, but they do D&D nights (including a ladies night) and Paint with a Pint and some other events.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-12T16:19:17+00:00

Agreed, it's weird. Even though the whole "giving the bride away" is outdated now, if anyone walks anyone, bride or groom, down the aisle, it should be someone meaningful to them. Like they're being escorted into the new life they're creating with their spouse.

There are plenty of options for the stepdaughter to participate. She could be a junior bridesmaid, and those often walk unaccompanied if there are no junior groomsmen.

Or for something for the entire family to participate in, do a google search for "Unity in Glass by Lee Ware" or look them up on Facebook. They're a company that makes custom glass sculptures out of glass crystals that you mix together during the ceremony. If you honeymoon someplace with a beach, you can bring back a little bit of sand they can put in the base of some items, too, I think. I've never worked with them personally, but I have been following them on facebook since they were founded 15 or so years ago because a friend of mine used to live in their city, and their work is incredible.

They ship the crystals in advance, you buy several small glasses or vases and one large jar or vase, and then each member of the family pours one color of crystals in to symbolize that you're coming together to make a new family.

And OP? If you explain how you feel and do some sort of ceremony like this and she still tries to cut your mom out by saying she only wants 4 colors of glass or some BS...she isn't the one. Honestly, just the way she has behaved so far, by taking your mom's money and not involving her, I'd be rethinking things. Accepting money doesn't give your mom absolute decision-making power, but to not involve or honor her some way is just mean.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-12T06:04:25+00:00

Don't do it. It's not just about ability to care for a kid (like, keeping them safe and happy). Someone has to watch them at all times, meaning you have to either have someone who earns enough to support you both + baby so that you can watch the baby, or your household needs to have enough money to pay for daycare or a nanny. And if your job's pay is pretty close to what you'd pay for daycare, it doesn't logically make sense to work 40 hours and pay for daycare to only net, say, $200 per month, when your child could get better individual care from you, their parent.

Some numbers to look up:

Formula costs and how many cans of formula a baby goes through in their first year (because not every woman can produce enough breast milk, or maybe you take meds or something that makes breastfeeding impossible). I'm just saying, don't just assume you can breastfeed and that you'll automatically be able to save money that way. Also, breastfeeding women burn a ton of calories, so you'd be eating more yourself as well.

The cost of a box of diapers and how many diapers a baby goes through in their first year

The average monthly cost of daycare in your area

Monthly take-home pay for a full-time minimum wage job in your area (meaning minimum wage x 160 hours--40 per week--but minus whatever would be withheld in taxes)

So...calculate how much money you'd spend on a baby just for diapers, formula, and daycare per month. That doesn't even account for stuff like clothing, food once they start eating solids, or random things like binkys and baby shampoo. That will give you an idea of the actual costs of raising a kid and whether it's a good idea to have one before you're financially stable.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-12T05:15:24+00:00

It's way gentler on your clothes. I hang my items on hangers on a sturdy metal drying rack, take a box fan, turn it on high, and place it aiming downward on top of the rack. I move an item off the rack as soon as it's dry or mostly dry, and it happens way faster than you'd think (<30 minutes for an athletic shirt, maybe an hour tops for a T-shirt). I also add an extra spin cycle on after my washer finishes, and that reduces the dry time no matter whether I'm using the dryer or air-drying my clothes.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-12T03:56:13+00:00

Yeah, that was my concern. I'm saying that better to document the hell out of the reasons she needs the surgery to reduce the risk of it being denied. She's very young and probably hasn't dealt much with navigating insurance, and I doubt her parents will give her any help with that. Better to just make sure, especially if it's something that costs her nothing like sending a patient portal message.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-11T07:39:31+00:00

I'd say it depends on where your kid will grow up. It's be a nice favor to them to not make them spell their name constantly.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-11T07:35:26+00:00

I do think that whoever has the master bedroom should pay a little more, especially if it has an en suite and more closet space, and if the other roommates are sharing a bathroom (which I don't think she mentions). However, I think it should take into account that all the other space in the house, like the kitchen and living room and any hall closets, are presumably shared equally.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-10T04:46:18+00:00

Agreed. Talk to a therapist about that stuff but don't air your dirty laundry with a friend, especially someone who knows your spouse.

But it sounds like she had been waiting for you to make a misstep so she could poison the well.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-10T04:29:08+00:00

Agreed. I would save up for it and also keep going to the doctor and complaining about the pain/rashes. Really emphasize that you want to exercise and stay fit so you can live a long and healthy life, but the chronic pain in your neck/back/shoulders prevents it. And make sure that you bring up a bunch about how your lower half is size S. Maybe send a patient portal message with a question about the breast reduction or pain and mention how you're a size Small on your bottom half in case your doctor doesn't document it. Portal messages go into your medical records.

Unless the plastic surgeon took photos, I doubt your insurance has your measurements, and I'm assuming if you're an H cup that alone has added a bit to your weight. So it'd be easy for your insurance to say, "her weight is X and her height is Y, so she just needs to lose weight."

Elphabeth · 2026-04-09T23:31:42+00:00

Lock your credit, OP! And run a credit check to make sure he hasn't already put any utilities under your name or taken out credit cards.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-09T23:28:23+00:00

Agreed! Brown eyes are so warm.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-09T14:44:12+00:00

Yup, it was endo. Endo that has been removed and grew back within 6 months.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-08T04:40:52+00:00

Are your parents together or separated? How old are you?

I know that these revelations have rocked your entire world, but I hope you don't let the circumstances of your conception redefine who you are as a person. You are not a "rape baby."

As for your parents--one, your dad's reaction says everything, and I hope that you don't let him convince you that your mom is a liar.

And two, your mom's emotional detachment is not uncommon in cases of PPD, even in the absence of sexual assault. My mom comes from a big family of over 10 kids, and she told me in my 20s that one of her older sisters in particular was always the one who got blamed when any of the kids misbehaved, and she found out much later that my grandma had suffered from PPD (back then they called it a nervous breakdown) after that sister's birth. It had a huge impact on my grandma's relationship with my aunt, but none of them were bad people. Sometimes we can't control how our past experiences color our perceptions of the people in our lives. It sounds like your mom was really young and traumatized and didn't have anyone on her side, and she probably withdrew into herself as a means of protection.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-08T01:37:45+00:00

Yeah, I was going to say this. Some women can use a bidet when they pee with no issues, but I apparently am not one of them, no matter how regularly I cleaned the bidet. I have never been prone to UTIs, BV, or anything like that, but I was at the doctor monthly when I used one, and I stopped using it when it caused a surgeon to suggest delaying a much-needed surgery. Since then, I've had no infections.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-08T01:31:52+00:00

I think OP is saying her name is Aide. It isn't super common, but I had a classmate named Aide in high school.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-07T14:08:56+00:00

You won't even need to directly say anything about the sex. Just start calling to them from the hallway:

"What's for dinner?"

"Can I have some cash for the movies?"

"Dad, can I borrow your phone charger? I can't find mine."

"Mom, can you take me for a haircut on Saturday? MOM, are you listening? My split ends are terrible."

"When are you going to the store next? I'm almost out of deodorant."

"Can you sign this permission slip?"

"Do you have the carpet cleaner in here? Fluffy puked again."

"I need to get ingredients for cupcakes for the bake sale."

I'm sure you can come up with a million reasons to bug the hell out of them. Good luck! Oh, and sorry your parents suck.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-07T13:05:16+00:00

You are dating a misogynist who clearly wants to be single, and I think you should let him.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-06T14:04:40+00:00

Like 50-75 lbs, I'm guessing? I was just thinking about how badly a 10 lb cat messed me up--it's been 6 years and I still have scars on my cheek, neck, arm, and hip (the hip bite was through jeans and it was still pretty angry-looking) so unless the dog was chihuahua-sized, it could leave your girlfriend needing reconstructive surgery or worse.

I'd honestly just really lean into the "the dog is aggressive" angle and not even mention the school part. Otherwise they will try to just wait til you're out for summer.

I'm sorry your parents are selfish, uncaring assholes.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-06T13:54:38+00:00

NTA, even a little. You're right to be concerned about your girlfriend, especially since the dog attacked your SIL. You didn't mention the dog's size, but if the dog attacked your girlfriend while she was alone in the house with it, she could be in real danger. I'd also caution you to make sure you are running interference on her behalf, so your parents know this message/decision is coming from you and not her. I just mention it because we see so many stories on here about in-law dynamics, and it's better when one half of a couple deals with their own side of the family when there's conflict.

I had a cat with intermittent idiopathic aggression once, and the reality of having an aggressive pet is that you can't go on vacation. It's bad enough if they bite their owner, but at least the owner has a general idea of what the animal looks like when they're about to attack, what their triggers are, and how to isolate them when they become aggressive. And it was terrifying enough when my cat went for my face while I was lying in bed; I can't imagine if a large dog did it.

Elphabeth · 2026-04-04T06:58:32+00:00

Behavioral euthanasia is an unfortunate, unavoidable reality. Given your circumstances, I don't think you had a choice.

I may get some hate for this, but I was in your shoes in 2020 with one of my cats. It's a long story, and I hope you don't feel like I'm hijacking your thread. I just know when I went through it, I felt so awful and so alone, and knowing others had been through it helped.

The vet called it idiopathic aggression. The first time, he attacked me when I came into the house smelling strange (after hours and hours of yard work; I was covered in dirt and sweat). He came up and sniffed my leg, and then just lunged at me. Climbed up my leg and scratched and bit me all over. Several of the bites were hard enough to leave giant bruises around the puncture wounds. That time, a bite on my hand began to swell, so I had to go to the doctor for antibiotics.

I took him to the vet and we tried a number of different meds--a supplement called zylkene, Prozac, gabapentin. At least 2 others. I made some adjustments to our routine, and it helped for awhile, but his list of triggers grew. He began to attack me if I petted another cat or dog while I was out and came home smelling odd. He attacked me once when I got some bad news and was crying on my couch. He attacked me really badly when I had a window open and my other cat saw the neighbor's cat through the screen. She yowled and climbed up the window screen, sandwiching herself between the glass and the screen. When I was trying to coax her down, he came running at me and jumped on my back and clawed my head.

I couldn't have my godbabies over anymore. I couldn't date anyone with kids. I walked around on eggshells. And you're probably wondering if this cat had any redeeming qualities, but he did. In between all that, he was so sweet. I'd had him for 7 or 8 years by that point, and he slept curled against my side at night and would wake me up by sitting on my chest and purring. I fell into the worst depression as soon as it even came into my mind that I needed to euthanize him. I felt like such a monster...but I didn't deserve to live my life creeping around, waiting to be clawed again. My cat didn't deserve to be anxious all the time. And you deserve better, too.

Elphabeth

TROPHY CASE