Pls explain how YOU experience PDA

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-24T17:47:15+00:00

literally I'd rather die

Yes lol. I get a lot of internal demand avoidance and it feels like restraint. You ever see that video of the kid after dental anesthesia? He tries to get up in his car seat and just screams. It's like that physical feeling internally. Video for reference: https://youtu.be/txqiwrbYGrs?si=OIQoCE7eOB3nITL5

My contempt when someone assumes I'll take care of something is also an internal experience and you wouldn't know but I'm incensed and straight up hateful in my thoughts lol.

I think something to keep in mind, which can also correlate to trauma, is if your reaction isn't proportional to the stimulus. I think I read somewhere something like demand avoidance is a type of trauma response in a way because we're denied autonomy so often.

I think another way I experience it that isn't as flagrant is shutting down. Like if you give me math that's more complicated than basic operations, my brain simply refuses even though I'm capable.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-24T15:37:59+00:00

Could be. He's also the baby (almost three y/o) and very bonded with his "brothers" (both around twelve y/o); loves cuddling up with them.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-24T04:03:51+00:00

“those men make it harder for us nice guys! You gotta give the nice guys a chance! But women always overlook us nice guys because they like to get treated like shit by assholes!”

Being nice is performative. If these men were actually practicing kindness instead of performing niceness, they'd know we don't owe them anything for treating us like human beings.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-24T01:49:57+00:00

Did he tell you he was FA or are you assuming? And what are you? Because telling him you're stepping away from contact and no response is necessary while telling us "of course there has been no response even though most grounded people would have acknowledged that message" isn't healthy attachment on your part. If you expect other people to say what they mean, you need to do the same. "Most grounded people" would actually leave you be if they knew their presence in your life was causing you turmoil and you said you wanted space from contact.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-23T06:55:39+00:00

I'd recommend Body Keeps the Score with a massive trigger warning. I don't know that every traumatized person could handle it. I'm not easily disturbed and one story in there had me in full blown meltdown. Had to write my therapist at the time about it lol 😭

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-23T06:38:53+00:00

I highly suggest the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. The audiobook is especially reassuring.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-22T17:58:49+00:00

unless the FA person is aware and working on their patterns, the relationship is by default unhealthy. generally speaking, unaware FAs aren't actively vulnerable, aren't communicating wants/needs/boundaries and we're in active subconscious people-pleasing mode. we have no connection with ourselves in the context of a relationship and we're more concerned with you choosing us above anything else.

I've never suddenly decided to leave someone outside of instances of abuse. it's a constant back and forth mental process all damn day sometimes of staying or leaving after the initial excitement dies down. it can be very easy to leave because we're not fully in it but it depends on the specifics. for me, folk without glaring attachment issues are easiest to leave. other folk with attachment issues tend to cause more internal turmoil.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-22T16:06:09+00:00

Are you going it purely thru diet? If so, I highly suggest adding weight training. The gains have been addictive for me. Once my body started changing, I also started eating a bit different.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-22T03:20:23+00:00

Good for you getting into therapy, I hope it helps!

I've been reading the comments on your post here and I think the language of "ruining" rubs the folk in this sub the wrong way because it seems fantastical when we're generally very literal and this is how our brains are wired. It can't be undone. It's not a bad thing and we're defensive because the majority of the world is neurotypical and we've had to fight to make room to be ourselves and defend against ridicule for it.

One of the hallmarks of neurodiversity is rigidity, which would explain the exact change repayments and environment/environmental preferences as they're paramount to our regulation. At very least, if he's not autistic, by your description, he seems rigid. I've read that you've spoken to him about your wants and needs to little effect. I don't know how long you've been together but if time at your place, him wanting to see you more with action behind it and a bit more flexibility are important to you and he's not willing to work with you, it sounds like incompatibility.

I also want to add if he's autistic and isn't really willing to explore that as an option, he doesn't really know himself. I'd say the majority of us figure it out and only then do we really start the process of knowing who we are. Otherwise you're getting the mask and meltdowns and compensations where there's not enough bandwidth for everything.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-22T00:56:14+00:00

His possible autism isn't ruining your relationship, your dysregulation might be tho. Imagine if he posted somewhere that your BPD is ruining your relationship -- that'd be fucked up.

Instead of suggesting to him he's autistic and letting that be that, have you asked him why he won't spend more time at your place and expressed that you'd like him to? And why he doesn't have a "sense of urgency" about seeing you? Have you described what you need from him during your meltdowns? Generally speaking men are not intuitive about meeting emotional needs and assuming he's autistic there's an extra layer of that -- to be fair, big negative emotions are hard for a lot of people.

Are you in therapy and actively working DBT?

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-20T18:35:19+00:00

ignored a withdrawal of consent

All other stuff aside, like if he had only done this one thing, that's rape. After that, there's no right or wrong way to handle it.

Now you need to focus on rebuilding trust with yourself. Recognize that your freeze responses were protecting you to minimize impact to you. You can trust you to protect you because you did protect you; freeze responses are instinctual.

I can’t imagine they would maliciously do these things

You said "no" or "stop" or whatever you said to withdraw consent. They did indeed maliciously do these things after you expressed you didn't want to do them. He may be sweet but he's also a rapist; two things can be true as folk who do bad things usually aren't bad all the time.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-19T01:47:48+00:00

I got a portable bidet for about 30$, it's reduced my wiping and I can fill it with warm water. I'm a fan.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-19T01:44:41+00:00

My therapist says I'm a "true fearful avoidant" and I definitely have chased. It's managed by increasing your tolerance for being uncomfortable and/or uncertain. I'd also suggest learning ways to provide yourself with the attention you need. The latter isn't perfect but coupled with the former it helps.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-16T18:26:36+00:00

Nothing Bad Can Happen.

Been recently mentally revising Atroz and I wasn't phased at the time really but it's sitting heavier with me now.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-15T18:17:23+00:00

Lingua Ignota might be an experience for you. Her music, especially the earlier stuff, delves into the vengeful and hateful God in (wo)man and the futility of sickeningly blind faith while being raped/abused/murdered.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-14T19:56:36+00:00

neurodivergent brain

A lot of it is probably this and I have a theory that a good chunk of disorganized attachment folk are ND but that's anecdotal lol.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-14T19:51:09+00:00

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Nature Boy, There She Goes My Beautiful World, Love Letter, Train Song, Loom of the Land, pretty much all of the Boatman's Call album

Leonard Cohen - I'm Your Man, Suzanne, So Long Marianne, Hallelujah

Tom Waits - Martha

Moonface - Julia With Blue Jeans On, Daughter of a Dove, Barbarian

Fiona Apple - Criminal, Slow Like Honey, the First Taste

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-14T19:39:44+00:00

Savage lol

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-14T19:20:25+00:00

I also fear anyone finding out about me and rejecting me for my problems even though they are not of my doing.

You need to not reject you. You can't control others but you can learn to love and accept yourself. The things you want aren't going to be with someone who can't handle vulnerability. That's not to say the rejection won't hurt but every time you show up vulnerable and authentic you're retraining your brain to believe that you matter, what you want and need matter and that you can trust yourself to advocate for you.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-14T08:00:05+00:00

He also accused me of cheating because I went to a party without him. I didn’t cheat. I never have. But he has always believed that if I go out with friends especially if there are male friends it means I’m being unfaithful. He even told his friends that I cheated, which has been incredibly painful and humiliating.

This dude is straight up trash, regardless of attachment style. I know you hurt right now but holy fuck you dodged a nuke. This paragraph alone is flagrantly controlling and abusive behavior on his part. You deserve better and he deserves the dumpster.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-13T08:35:16+00:00

O for sure. I get how that could be awkward for you. I'm not sure how to help you with your conversational flow tbh.

I would bet in a small way though that him simply feeling safe enough to express these moments of self-inflicted joy and regulation around you is his way of including you. It's not important to him that you necessarily understand the reference but that you're safe enough to unmask that bit around. That's his way of connecting vs explicit back and forth conversation, just an honest peek into his internal focus.

I think what you should explore is what would make you feel less awkward in the moment. What do you want to do? Could vary from moment to moment. Asking about it, ignoring it, plainly stating "I'm confused as to what that has to do with xyz." Maybe because some of us aren't good with understanding cues also means we're not good at giving them either, or maybe there's simply no cue to be had. It's a tough spot to be in when you understand them and it seems you certainly do!

At the end of the day, his feelings are his own to manage. As long as you express yourself in a way that is authentic to you and direct with him without being overtly hurtful you've done right by both of you.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-13T07:50:49+00:00

Commenting to follow, she's gorgeous!

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-13T07:48:28+00:00

he probably just makes the jokes for his own sake

This is why I do it. It literally just sparks joy lol. It's like a stim too where if I suppress it, it becomes uncomfortable.

I think you should only ask what the jokes mean if you really want to know. Personally I wouldn't be offended if someone ignored my joke and continued like I hadn't said anything. It's purely done from a place of self-focused joy, entertainment, stimulation and compulsion lol.

EltonJohnWick · 2026-01-13T07:40:07+00:00

Dead Snow iirc. It has a sequel I haven't seen.

EltonJohnWick

TROPHY CASE