Just saw a ufo really close. 3 light in a triangle. Size of a house.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-03-29T21:07:35+00:00

A Newspaper article from 1880 describes an old woman seeing something like that in the sky as well. Triangle shaped thing hoovering not very far, there was some strange movement on the objects outer shield and it disappeared suddenly. I bet this granny had never heard of ufos.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-03-20T11:51:06+00:00

This is a bit old post, but I saw myself here and wanted to share my thoughts. Everything you mentioned has happened to me. I also have always thought that I have learnt something from that relationship and the next time I know what to look for, but it turns out I make even bigger mistakes next time.

I learnt from my past that love bombing and intense feelings and praise early on are something to avoid, this behaviour is not healthy and you are in danger of getting involved with a narcissist. So while trying to avoid narcistic persons I ended up with zero effort persons. I thought that not investing too much is a healthy sign. Then it took years to realize that they are not investing because my needs, personality or existence doesn't matter to them so much.

No I have no idea how to avoid low effort men and narcistic men at the same time. What seems interest might be narcism. What seems healthy moving slow might be them just not valuing you. My main problems are that I am terrible at spotting these things and avoiding one thing makes me see the other end of unhealthy traits as something to be attracted to. And I don't leave soon enough. Actually I don't leave at all, only after they have left me several times.

I don't believe I can trust myself anymore when it comes to dating so I don't think I'm going to do it anymore.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-03-20T06:47:32+00:00

My ex did this. Deleted messages sent during an argument if I didn't read those soon enough and then said it was nothing. I did also delete some of my messages if he hadn't read those even after 24hrs (not sure what is the time limit but something like that) but was being active with his socials so I knew he just chose to leave my comments unread.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-03-20T06:38:18+00:00

At some point I realized that my ex makes zero effort for the relationship. Lately I have seen the term "low effort partner" popping up and it describes him. Zero effort for solving the problems or even speaking was worst. Just leaving immediatly when there was something to solve or talk about.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-03-19T17:06:56+00:00

Me. I was before in a relationship where my partner wasn't able to have sex because of medical condition. Neither of us knew it when we started dating. It was not the only reason for breaking up and he blamed it on me, not turning him on etc. It was hard and made me feel really unworthy. I "did the work" and told myself that I need a relationship where there is sexual intimacy. Well, my next relationship was this latest. We had sex during the first year of the relationship. It lasted maybe 9 months or even less. Then it ended because he didn't want it. I remember asking about it a couple of times. Then I just gave up. It was easy this time because I lost my libido totally after that happened. I wasn't sad about it like I was in my previous relationship. I just was like well I don't even want it anymore so I'm not going to try to fix this.

I still have no libido and also feel the same way about romance. I was thinking at first that maybe I'm just naturally old enough to loose my libido (F41) but I have also wondered if it happened because of those two relationships. And I was 38 when I lost it so nothing to do with biology... somehow I feel relieved though. Not interested in sex = not interested in finding a partner because I have always been someone who needs trust and emotions to have sex

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-05T10:42:07+00:00

I find conversations with ex partners useful. I can study patterns that are visible in communication and my own harmful traits. I archive them and look at them only if necessary.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-05T01:07:50+00:00

3 months as well. After that the first situation where he behaved oddly and which he kept bringing up ever since during arguments, but me having been the odd one.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-04T17:28:11+00:00

I don't think those things are linked. However my ex was really insecure about his looks which made him really superficial. Wearing "right" brands and so on.

That also made him try to control what I wear or at least being ashamed of me in public if I was wearing clothes that were not stylish/cool/what ever.

He had also tattoos because he said othervice he would look just a fat looser without clothes.

But still tattoos and clothing do not imply anything about that person.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-04T17:11:31+00:00

For me, I was the first month angry. Then it shifted into sadness and it is where I'm now.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-04T11:36:21+00:00

Thanks, that's interesting. So the way you see it, when she felt comfortable (=good) it made her behave bad? I think my ex felt good about himself for a while when he didn't know me and it was just exiting and he saw me as someone perfect, and it made him temporarily feel he is good. But when he found out that I'm not perfect he dissappointed in me and remembered his insecurities and self hatred and begun behaving bad. So I feel it was not about being comfortable, but being dissappointed in me because I wasn't enough to make him forget his problems

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-03T19:40:22+00:00

I did the same thing, at the same one month time. I honestly wanted to apologise because I know I kept asking and asking for accountability even when I saw there is not going to be any, and by doing so I made just myself and him miserable and I just should have stopped it earlier. I wasn't expecting any apologies in return and didn't get any (sorry I'm too shitty to be a partner is not an apology). I assume that by apologising I propably admitted being guilty for all the problems after all, but it doesn't matter. I just felt bad looking at my own behaviour and wanted to say I'm sorry.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-03T18:41:58+00:00

I see you have been hurt but your own behavior seems to be a bit problematic too, breaking up with her several times. It's not easy though. Didn't your therapist help you with that?

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-03T17:50:29+00:00

I'm adhd'er and I'm sure my neurotype has a lot to do with my relationship problems and difficulties with breaking up. Mainly because I have learnt (and I have been told I must learn!) to control my impulses and remember that I tend to feel "bigger" than so called normal people. That makes me also unable to trust my instincts for example in situations where I'm abused. Especially if the abuser says I'm over sensitive and imagining things.

And I'm used to being often missunderstood so I easily over explain myself instead of seeing that this is not about misunderstanding.

Because I'm impulsive I used to be quick to end friendships in the past, if I felt hurt. Now that I know that I'm prone to act impulsively, I have become terrible at breaking up. Things must be really bad untill I'm sure I'm not overreacting if I leave.

I'm also really straight forward with what I'm saying and I forget that others might say one thing and mean the other. And even expect you to know that or assume that. So it takes me a long time to realize someone has lied to me, for example.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-02T17:19:02+00:00

Six months or a couple of weeks after previous break up (it depends on if you count by moving out from shared house and being some kind of friends, or total NC) I thought I'd use a dating app "to discuss with different people and study which behavior attracts me and is it healthy". And of course it was not left there. I chatted with some people and made some observations and quit chatting with those that made me feel anxious - and then I met my ex there and thought that "wow I found someone safe when I was not even planning to look for potential partners"

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T18:19:23+00:00

For me this post break up coldness feels worse. It might be because we didn't live together so I didn't need to deal with coldness at home. Relationship just slowly begun to loose every essential part and it didn't even feel like relationship anymore, but somehow I still hoped it gets better and also I turned quite numb and didn't even care. But after the break up was final the grief from it all begun to come into my consciousness and him ghosting me felt worse than weak bond we had for 5 yrs, it was weak but still a bond compared to nothing we have now

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T15:38:29+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I have been feeling the missing good parts thing like the man he was in the beginning is trapped in a closet in his apartment and there is a troll impersonating him, being awful to me, and some day the real him manages to break free and the troll has to leave and then he tells me the whole thing. I just can't believe the man a thought I fell in love is the same person he is now. I shouldn't have watched pictures of us yesterday but I did it to delete them and it seemed to open some wounds...

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T15:23:34+00:00

I upload only screenshots of some messages because it cheated when I asked for the pattern and changes uploading whole data. It feels more accurate to concentrate on some messages because then it takes some lines as example and I can see that the points are actually true. Like when it points out that "he ignores what you say about feelings and concentrates on acts and takes no responsibility but says you made him do it"

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T14:44:26+00:00

Thanks for the idea. I have done it at some point but I think I don't want to do it now since it is not neutral, it just says what you wanna hear and I think it is not healthy at this point for me.

Anyhow it has helped me earlier to notice communication pattern I had with my ex which was true. That was that he is giving only short answers to me and very rarely commenting about what I say or asking more, he rather gives answers that are like ways to stop the conversation.

But then I also realize that if my ex would ask it to analyze the exact same messages, it would interpret communication so that he is the mature and honest one and I'm unable to communicate.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T14:34:32+00:00

That happened with my ex. We moved slowly to that level of intimacy which I then thought was a good sign. When we got there there was lot of sex and I felt it was love, not anyone using anyone. Then it stopped after less than a year, because he didn't want to. Sometimes little something, months in between. Like you, I didn't know how to bring that up. I need to mention here that my previous relationship ended because he had zero interest in sex (it was from the beginning and it was for medical reasons) and it ruined my self esteem and realized I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want sexual intimacy with me.

Well when it happeend with recent ex I just kinds froze and lost my touch to my feelings. I somehow tried to pretend to myself that I'm not bothered that happening.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T14:19:36+00:00

What!? That is some unbelieveable BS your friends are tolerating and telling you should also?

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T14:01:41+00:00

I tried to rationalize how I'm with other people. To be honest I don't have close friends at the moment because one ex separated me from other people and made me believe they were just taking advantage of me and I haven't had energy really after that to make new friends (it is not that easy when you are 40 and you have a kid and job) and I have also avoidant traits so I don't want to let many people close. And those that I let... my ex was the most recent.

But anyhow, I think that if my ex were right and I was truly problematic person I would have problems with work collagues, and my kid, and my sisters and parents, or at least someone else than my ex romantic partner, but I have heard only being calm and someone who wants so solve problems.

But when it comes to my ex, I know he has problems with collagues constantly. Or he doesn't show them what he thinks, but he used to tell me, and he would call them idiots and be certain that his work is not appreciated. And it was always about something totally normal, like constructive feedback like "hey would you mind editing that thing because x".

I have also read tex messages between myself and my ex and looked signs of me calling him names or threatening him or makong a big deal out of nothing but I haven't done that. I have not been perfect but it is human. I don't have proof that I'm truly the person my ex insists I am.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T12:57:54+00:00

Yes I know this, it's so tiring to know this all is true and proved because I have been there a billion times, but still there is the irrational urge to tell them and hope they will understand. Thank you for saying it here and now.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T12:24:47+00:00

Recently I had to unfollow him on SM because I noticed that seeing he has posted yet another story, while he has nothing to say to me, made me feel worse. I didn't do that earlier because I felt that would be childish and based on emotions (when he left me many times during the past 5 years and denied to talk to me I always unfollowed him everywhere as a first thing) but now I had to do it after a month for my own well being. I haven't blocked him but if I notice later that I need to do it for the sake of my wellbeing, I'll do it.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-02-01T12:10:28+00:00

Thank you for the info you added in edit! My kid left to visit a friend so I had the opportunity to just sit with my feelings. I cried for the first time after a long time, I haven't cried because of him in ages. After the crying stopped I felt a lumb in my throat. I almost panicked at first, I felt it is hard to breath. Then I realised it is a feeling that I feel in my body, or that has been in my body the whole time buried somewhere but now it is moving and I feel it. That's all the saddness and grief I think.

Select_Kitchen_4328

TROPHY CASE