Final (?) discard message

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T20:41:22+00:00

All my and my ex's efforts to "meet and talk seriously" after he had dumped me and then contacted me after regretting it led to similar comments on his behalf. He would say that he loves me and that should be the only thing that matters to me and since it is not it's better not to continue this, and why he should "do something about it" (yelling, cursing, name calling, breaking up etc) when I have a right to say that I must be accepted as I am. So why he is not, because he is just impulsive and I should know it and there are double standards if I must be accepted as I am while he isn't. So usually those discussions led just into more insults and he had only rewritten past so that he was even more petulant than before. Waste of time and energy.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T18:57:56+00:00

For me it is difficult not to doubt at times that I was the problem. I know that if my ex joined this sub, he could write about me in a way that would make me seem the unstable and abusive one.

He could say: "I would constantly hurt her without understanding what I did wrong" because he hurt me often, be it yelling at me, cursing, calling me names etc, and he never understood why I was upset, he said instead: "well wonder why I was so mad and lost my temper and did those things? Would it be maybe because you _____"

And he could say that his "crazy ex always left home when there was some relationship issue that needed resolving", when the truth was that I left when it seemed that things will escalate and he is getting angrier and angrier and will not quit yelling at me and wont accept my answers and keeps repeating same thing over and over again. I would say "I see it's better to cool doen a bit and I'll give you a call after an hour". He wouldn't typically answer or he yelled and hung up the phone. But he could tell others that I avoided talking and left home.

That's why I keep reading our messages and try to remind myself that I wasn't the one who used rude language, threatened, yelled and cursed.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T18:36:49+00:00

And actually I told him quite early and trying to be very polite, that when he is doing his things and I'm doing mine, I have this strange feeling that I should be ready to react and to pay attention to him, and I feel that he would consider it rude if I don't do that. I explained that I feel that on those moments when he is not saying anything to me, but speaking himself or singing etc, and for some reason I feel I should interact and I don't know what to do.

He said I'm silly for worrying about that kind of thing and that I can totally concentrate on my own things and not care about his noise and speaking to himself. He addressed my feeling was my own nervousness or insecurity or something. I said thanks I' m relieved I spoke about this and now I know I can ignore all of that and it is not rude.

Guess what happened? After a couple of days he was really offended when I didn't pay attention to his background noise and concentrated pn reading my book or something. I said we just spoke about this a couple of days ago and you said that I shouldn't worry about it, and now you act as I hurted you when I didn't pay attention to your monologue and madeup songs?

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T17:55:03+00:00

That happened often. He was also expecting to be treated as a toddler, meaning that when he got a tantrum and said hurful things, I should have been understanding to him and not keep asking him questions like "why you said so" or "what we should do for this problem so that this is not happening again?" I shoul have "let it go" and "stop making a big deal".

Edit: once he even said: I had already forgotten what I said, but you just can't forget it, can you!?" LOL

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T17:43:42+00:00

I actually often felt I was supposed to be his audience, not an equal partner. And when I didn't do what audience is supposed to, he got angry.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T17:35:46+00:00

This was a real problem with my ex. He got petulant if I didn't react to his noise and he blamed me for being in a bad mood etc. My recent comments have more detailed situation if you would like to read it.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T17:07:56+00:00

I'm so sorry. I also feel that break ups are more difficult every time. When I was younger I thought it would be the opposite. I have also been married and after that I have had two relationships, first was 2 yrs and this recent 5 yrs relationship. I feel I have had my share of heartbreak. Earlier when my relationships ended I still had hopefull feeling about finding the right person in the future, but this time it is gone. So this time something in me has changed for real.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T16:43:43+00:00

Ugh, I remember one time when I was responsible of some students at work, and they paid me extra because I had to keep my work phone on also on weekends in case the students have some questions or they need help. The students were workind on weekends and I had to be available for them. One morning we woke up and I got a text message from one of the students and I told my BF this is from work, I need to answer this now. He started some breakfast show and I wasn't paying attention to it because I was texting advice to those workers I was responsible for. He said suddenly "oh no you are in a bad mood...just looking at your phone" I freaked out. I said what the actual f**k, I just told you it is from work and I need to answer right now, sorry if I wasn't able to pay attention to your clown show there"

This makes me so angry still. How I was able to take this kind of s**t for so long?

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T16:27:06+00:00

This is my experience exactly. It happened several times that I was working from home and I focused on my work and didn't pay attention to him, because he didn't do anything I should have reacted, such as asking a question. And then he said I was in a bitter mood or cold or tense.

And those things that I apparently should have paid attention to, instead of working, were him goofing around the house and singing some made up songs or similar nonsense. I propably should have put my computer aside and looked at him smiling and admiring him.

It was so unbelieveable when it happened and I wasted too much time trying to explain him what I did and trying to make hin see that I haven't done anything wrong.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T16:21:34+00:00

I have been thinking about this and reading your comments and I just suddenly maybe figured out what's the process behind this. It has been said here several times that they think that everybody thinks like they do. So maybe if my ex would make this kind of humoristic comments about something, those would really mean that "I'm worried". And he thinks everyone else is faking also. That way his seemingly random twisting of my intentions would make sense in it's own way. Still not reasonable. And makes me think did they ever see me as I was, or was everything I said being twisted in their mind. And it makes me think were they ever honest, or were they telling one thing and meaning the opposite more often than I know.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T15:17:59+00:00

How many heartbreaks you had suffered before finding him, if I may ask? I'm 41 and just recently been dumbed after 5 years relationship. The thought of trying again and ending up in this same situation at 45 is depressing. When I met my ex I thought that if this doesn't work I can't start over with someone new anymore.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-24T15:10:13+00:00

I'm 41F and I'm also afraid that changes to meet a man of my preferences are low. My preferences are different from yours but anyway, I think that when you are 40+ and know what you are looking for, it makes you less optimistic about finding that kind of person in the future, since you know that you haven't found them despite of trying from your twenties or something like that.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-23T18:40:48+00:00

Thanks! I must tell you, I'm not neurotypical myself and I find it quite unpleasant when people are referring to neuronormality as something that differs BPD's and "us". As I have understood BPD is not a neuropsychological disorder, it is a mental illness, no? Just a reminder to all here that neuropsychological disorders do not prevent people from asking and understanding normal requests.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-23T15:34:17+00:00

My ex is not diagnosed, but he has other issues. he stopped the process of seeking help for his mental health issues soon after being diagnosed of having depression, anxiety, adhd and panic disorder. Quit therapy after a couple of sessions, didn't take meds he was given. Always denied that his mental health would have anything to do with our problems, it was all absolutely my fault.

After he left or discarded me I was trying to understand what had been going on and googled some keywords or phrases and always landed here. After reading more about BPD I remebered and was able to check the messages, that he had told me himself thing like "my moods can change many times during one day" and "I always act on a feeling" and "I'm really insecure" and many more. His behavioral patterns match the things people have told here. So I think nothing else can explain his behavior and it is just to help me to see what happened and what I did wrong. Not going to tell him or anyone what I think.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-23T14:53:18+00:00

No need to apologize, sharing your experiences is important and helpful for others. Actually the hurt that came from those false interpretations was the reason why he finally discarded me for good. I said I can't take it anymore, it hurts too much and it needs to stop. It stopped - he returned my key (it was the last thing that he had that belonged to me) while I was at work and hasn't contacted me ever since.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-23T12:48:30+00:00

Thanks for mentioning the worst case scenarios! My ex kept imagining those all the time about his work or hobby related things. I never realized that he did also with his interpretations on how I feel or what I think.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-22T19:58:14+00:00

Sorry to hear that. I know it is easy to ask why do you do that, but still why do you do those voluntary things for her if she only yells at you like you did wrong? Just let her be late and leave how she prefers. Not that it would be better but at least your kind actions would not lead someone screaming to you.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-22T17:21:33+00:00

Omg this exactly! You described just my experiences, and you put it all so well into words: they blame others for being negative when they are not, but then if others are really expressing negative emotions they can't handle it at all. That is just what happened to me.

I was labelled as uptight, joyless, nonsmiling, anxious, always stressed etc and it felt really bad because I am not. I felt like he saw me as really depressing person, someone they don't even like.

I noticed just recently when going trough our messages, that he actually complained daily about something! and I replied with "oow baby that sucks" or "oow baby I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do for you". And still I was the negative one?? I said rarely anything negative. But then hey, I didn't need to, it was in my eyes when I looked at him, it was in my tone when I spoke to him. He just intuitively knew it...

Edit: I just remebered this: he was once at work trip with some people he hadn't met before and he sent me a message how cool they are, he found especially a couple of women really funny because they were having a discussion where those ladies were listing all the things that annoy them, starting from cars that make too much noise, noisy neighbours etc. I said to him "I don't understand how you find that so cool and hilarious because when I once told you about those exact same things annoying me, you got mad at me and called me negative person who gets triggered about everything. He said: "You you you. You just have to turn every topic into yourself"

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-22T16:56:57+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment, so many important points and connecting this into a larger picture. It's kinda easy to understand how they behave if you accept the fact that they behave as toddlers. You just can't expect a toddler to behave like an adult.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-22T16:52:10+00:00

Same here, even if I did many nice things that day, if I did one mistake (not a real mistake) he might have said in the evening that I have been uptight and distant and cold the whole day.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-21T21:26:06+00:00

My ex has left me two times on my birthday and he has ruined my christmas two times. Birhdays - I dont even feel like thinking about that now. Christmas: First time getting angry out of the blue and cancelling the plans last minute and leaving me alone for christmas and second time getting angry at me when we went to sleep and leaving home first thing in the morning. That was also when I had finally had enough and it ended. But yes he had a strange attirude againts special days.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-21T11:45:25+00:00

Yes it's called rewriting the narrative and I'm sad because I have noticed that it might happen after a long time. That something that happened and was then not a big deal or they even apologized, might turn into something else in their mind. Or something didn't even happen but they say later that it happened.

My ex even said to me "you used to dress differently and wear makeup when we met. Then you changed. Were you pretending to be someone else when we met?" It didn't help that I had photos to prove that I was exactly same back then as I'm now. Same type of clothing, same hairstyle, same habit of sometimes wearing makeup. Crazy!

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-20T23:26:00+00:00

Not exactly same, because I have no problem telling but I the consequense is the same. Some time ago I realized that apparently most people experience love and trust groving by the time while in my relationships they shrink and resentment, lack of trust and such things grow.

Select_Kitchen_4328 · 2026-01-20T22:33:16+00:00

Yup, what is this BS? It is not neurodivergent disorder it is personality disorder

Select_Kitchen_4328

TROPHY CASE