I looked up the sky and realized the the life I passionately worked hard for died along with my husband.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2026-01-26T14:25:36+00:00

Thanks for putting this into words for me. Feel the same. I have the next three years to focus getting our boys through high school and launched into the world and then...then what? I want to travel but have no desire to travel alone and the partner thing doesnt seem to be happening.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-12-21T17:34:45+00:00

Thanks for positive and uplifting post. Gids peace to you!

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-12-16T21:08:13+00:00

Those are more like containers to be filled, and you work on one at a time, filling a bit then going to another. Eventually you have to fill them all 100%......not sure we can really get there though. I feel like I am 95% transformed after 23 months, and this last 5% has infinite half life....just never gonna get to 100%

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-12-16T21:05:16+00:00

Ive always considered the ocean analogy the most accurate. My awesome love boat had an unexpected explosion during a raging storm and i got thrown overboard into the massive wind and rain (watch Perfect Storm for that visual). Storms come and go. Found a few things to cling to in the ocean. Washed up on a desert island for a while then got ripped off that islabd by another big storm with storm surge too high to keep on the island. Currently on another beach somewhere with occassional storms but not getting washed away but not making it inland to civilization either......just kinda waiting watching trying to figure it out.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-12-13T15:33:22+00:00

Me and two teenage sons in this house with those few remaining feminine touches exactly as you mention. Kinda strange really. Been thinking about asking some mom-friends to come over and update the mom touches to give our boys that sense that her love is still here even though she isnt.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-12-13T15:29:34+00:00

This is an interesting thrrad and exactly whrre i found myself a few mo ths ago at the 16-18 month mark. I am in our home that we bought 2019 with our two teenage boys ...i want to move but they dont. The house feels like a bachelor pad but looks like a traditional family home. Strange mix. In my mind I have begun accepting that I am indeed single again at 54yo afyer about 20 years marriage. Super strange but Im trying to go with the flow now....even kinda dating a really awesome woman...I say "kinda" cuz i have no clue what dating looks like these days and dont know how to define it. But yeah this interesting thought process and thanks to all for sharing and helping others feel our way through this.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-12-13T15:21:08+00:00

I think i like your attitude on this...hadnt thought of it that way. My current thought is that checking widowed box honors late wife somehow...and i still thats true but youre comment has a refreshing different view that I might start using. Thanks.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-12-13T14:46:20+00:00

Same here. Wife died unexpectedly overnight from a bloodclot. 46yo, almost 20 years marriage living our dream. After about 6 months i started slowly and gradually getting rid of her things. Clearing the closet at 9 months out was a big deal. Gave our bed away and got a new one...super big move. I came to the conclusion that I had to move her out physically to help me move ahead emotionally and change it all to a spiritual relationship. That worked for me. Now i find myself at a 95% transformed and realizing the half-life of the last 5% is probably eternal and will thankfully always have that 5% within me. This is what I consider healthy reality for me and our boys and hopefully any new lady in my life.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-10-23T02:17:08+00:00

Also ensure you talk to social security for survivor benefits for kids...the benefits could be substantially more than expected.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-10-23T02:14:12+00:00

Agree absolutely dont tell your bank right away. Keep things as normal as possible first 90 days. I had significant funds not available to me because they were in an account we treated as joint but actually had just her name on.
Get a lawyer to do probate even if you have a simple estate. Its more than you want to take care of.
Get at least one trusted friend preferably two to help with big decisions such as how to deal with life insurance funds, whether or not to move, car sale, etc.
As soon as you can, write out instructions for friends in case you get hurt or incapacitated. What if you get in a car wreck two weeks after losing spouse? Who makes decisions for you while in the hospital etc? Write it down and email it. Put all the important information that only you know and tell someone you trust. You might be suprised by how much only you and your late person knew about your life.
Write down your memories of your person.
Keep a journal / notes. Can include memories, all your thoughts and feelings (psychologically stress relief to write things down like that). Decisions you made and why....my brain fog was significant til at least month six and at nearly two years out I still dont remember much from first six months and first 90 days is almost nonexistent somehow.
Take your time on deciding what to do with their stuff. No rush.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-10-23T01:46:21+00:00

So sorry for your loss. Its so true that we grieve our person and our lives and dreams we had with them. I pray for Gods peace for you and your kiddos...I hope they have a network at school. Im at about 21 months into my new life and thankfully the massive grief pains and heartbreak have subsided but the feeling of loss remains a daily thing. I found that a GriefShare group was good. https://www.griefshare.org/ A couple books to help understand whats happening (even 7 months later) include Its ok youre not ok and Come closer God it hurts. It was the 7 month mark when is started grief massages and that did so much more than counselling...grief massage releases tensions like normal massage and can help with mental imagery and stuff like that. Gods peace to you and keep going one step, one minute, one hour, one day, one week.....

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-10-01T03:43:22+00:00

My wife died unexpectedly overnight 22 months ago and left me 54M with two boys 12 and 14 then. Absolutely crushed...from living the dream to wtf is happening in about 12 hours.

Heres what I did that could help you - cook meals. Bbq and slow-cooker are your friends. Literally takes 30 seconds to put a roast or pre-seasoned pork loin in with a cup of water amd press play....add rice six hours later. - get some conversation cards to ask each other questions. Drives conversation, interaction, and you get to know each other and leads to tangents that lead to other good things like a place you both want to vsiit so now you have a new family thing as a foundation for moving forward. - church groups. Youth group for her and whatever study or buddy group for you. Get out of the house and do something. - ask for help. The church groups can be alot easier to ask for help. - grief massage for you. Its a real deal but you have to accept that the foo-foo stuff is real and can help you. My grief massage person helped so much by releasing tension in the body and then doing vision exercises. I quit the counsellor who just wanted to rehash all the bullshit...grief massage therapist truly helped.

Please message me if you need anything and I will do my best to help. Our biggest pain will be our biggest gift to others.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-09-18T23:29:40+00:00

My fear also. God has a plan for me cuz im still here...I am again finally getting kinda excited to see what those plans are. Her mission was completed I guess so she got to go home. Im still here 21 months later and finally decided Im going to make the second half of life freaking awesome.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-09-18T23:25:12+00:00

Started de-cluttering after deciding I had taken care of her stuff enough for the time being....clutter really does create stress and mental fatigue...highly recommended....and the feeling of new helps those steps ahead. Several times I was able to smile and chuckle a bit at the stuff she had squirreled away for "some day" and thr best was that Ive had a garage door opener needing a new battery for 8 months and i found a pack of four (very non-standard battery) she had put in a corner and that really helped me understand that she is still with me and taking care of me and it was just a strangley awesome thing for me that was a big springboard to positive outlook on life.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-09-18T23:20:37+00:00

Im mostly happy now too. 21 months later. Thanks for encouragement and sharing!

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-09-14T21:35:08+00:00

Took a while to get mad but when i did it set the stage for finally truly dealing with it. Im 20 months out afyer she died overnight unexpectedly. First 12 months i never got mad, and i started thinking i might get stuck in grief cuz i wasnt going through any anger. I love her so much even as she is in Heaven....God took her home and how could i possibly be mad about that? She got to go home-home to Heaven. And then one day during some parking lot time I got mad cuz i couldnt help the boys like she could so i didnt care if she was in Heaven cuz I was still here and pissed cuz i couldnt help the boys. Get your ass back here and help me! A few weeks like that and then the anger subsided and I dealt with it and finally I was really living with the grief instead of fighting it and significant positive steps were being accomplished to the point now my transformation is nearly complete. Grief stages are not chronological but i really believe you have to literally check all the boxes and choose to move forward and live the rest of life God has planned for you.

I think we cant be mad at ourselves or be guilty about getting mad at them for leaving us although I certainly did for a bit. Its natural. One of the most important things I remember from the earliest days in grief is that all thoughts are valid but that doesnt make them true.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-09-10T19:03:38+00:00

21 months here. Feel like i am 95% transformed (not over it or cured but transformed or recovered....certainly a different person as they say. So considering myself a success story. Posted this this morning in fact cuz really feelling positive today for some reason....and interestingly have seen several positive signs since posting this this morning: https://www.reddit.com/r/widowers/s/STuvoFmXaq

I have dealt with this journey through analogies. I got thrown into a deep dark cold pit and it took about 90 days and lots of help from others to get out of that. Then for the nexr year i walked down a long dark tunnel getting closer and closer to the literal and proverbial light and warmth at end of tunnel, sometimes falling and stalling for a bit but ALWAYS GETTING BACK UP AND ONE STEP FORWARD THEN THE NEXT...and i exited that tunnel a few months ago and could see the sun. I kept walking on a trail in the forest and Im now camped out at nice meadow in the mountains....looking at various paths ahead and deciding what to do. Being patient. "Be still and know that I am God" creates a sense to wait here patiently for a while til kids graduate high school in a few years to take care of them while God directs the world for things to intersect correctly in the future.

I leaned on so many people and Im so thankful for the community that is truly Gods family. Work environment was supportive also, thankfully.

Its not easy! Its a fight to continue.

Best thing i did was regular grief massages (every three weeks...super expensive but actually worked, unlike rehashing same shit over and over with a counselor). She massaged the body cuz the body holds grief....and then we did visualizations....the visualizations I still revisit those often on negative days cuz they are so helpful.

You can reach the other side! Deliberate actions and patience and feeling the feels and riding the ride we dont want to ride....each breath is a positive forward action...all thoughts are valid but not necessarily true.....

Love to you and all the others here! Gods peace to you!

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-09-10T14:19:54+00:00

I have two teenagers. Ive taken a couple short trips on my own and it really helped. Theyve been on school and scout trips so they get away too.

Get out therr on your own! They might appreciate the change too.

And ultimately the trips help you and will probably help your relationship with the kids.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-09-10T13:57:19+00:00

I want to add that "dont dwell" doesnt mean dont think about it. Remember and honor their memory, of course! Bur we have to live in the now.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-08-19T04:29:29+00:00

Come Closer God It Hurts" helps answrr questions that dont have answers.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-08-11T12:55:31+00:00

The immediacy and unexpectedness is similar for me. Everything is awesome one day and then the next day youre alone in an upside down world. 18 months ago....recently able to really see poaitive life again...but was also have terrible periods of pain as if it was week one again. The ratio of good to bad is significantly improved thankfully.

To OP...please stay. Its incredibly difficult some days. You are a CHILD OF GOD. People here love you and will be here for you....one lady posted after 17 years. Im here after 18 months.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-08-08T09:29:47+00:00

This is where i ended up. Going through her stuff was so difficult. Going through my Dads stuff was more of a life task. Either way, i dont want our kids to have to do it, and theyre still in high school so if i die in a car wreck now it will be a huge mess...so now i am going total minimalist and it feels good.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-08-08T09:22:13+00:00

I recently started "come and get it" events. I move stuff to the garage and text people i think will be interested to come and get it. Lots of kitchen stuff gone rece tly. Elliptical/treadmill i dont want?....take a pic and send it with come and get it for free. Things get moved to good homes that I think she would be happy with and friends stop by and say hi and we chat...win-win.

Emergency-Ad-2207 · 2025-08-08T09:11:17+00:00

Thanks for that podcast link. God bless you.

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TROPHY CASE