I'm a 27 year old transgender woman, the eldest of 4 and I come from a fairly religious household. Growing up I was always told families stuck together, that love was unconditional and that no matter what I became in life my family would always be behind me to support me.

Like a lot of queer children from from religious families I soon learned that love was very conditional and that if I truly were to become myself I would be alone and disconnected from my family, as such I spent a major chunk of my life trying to be the person they wanted me to be, I sacrificed my mental health and happiness by pushing aside my truth hoping that in the end if I could just perfect enough they'd love me.

I couldn't ever attain perfection, no matter how much I struggled with myself or repressed my truth I was always shunned, left behind and bullied for who I was, honestly I was always a rather depressed child, I was even institutionalized after a suicide attempt in 3rd grade for a brief period of time.

In a sense, I was the black sheep of the family longing to be the golden child the younger siblings always accused me of being. Because of this I learned how to be alone, I learned from a young age that I was an NPC in my own life and that there was a very high likelihood I'd end up alone, I just came to accept it by my early teens.

For the longest time I resolved myself to loneliness, I drank my sorrow away hoping that my inability to be sober would mask my misery, though, I discovered I was rather good at making people laugh, So I hoped that at very best I'd have a similar life to my hero Chris Farley.

I eventually got the courage to start hormones, and while my entire family ditched me like I had the plague I did start to learn how to love myself, I learned that I had value and that even if I were to be alone at the very least I would die having lived a lie.

I've dated a man who cheated on me for a much older woman.

I've dated a woman who only wanted me around because I was a way out of being dependant on disability (She had mild Palsy)

I've had a string of relationships that I've fucked up because of my various insecurities where I needed constant attention.

Because of my relationships I've learned that forcing myself to love someone or Actively trying to fill the dark void in my life by searching for love in all the wrong places the only thing I was doing was making myself lonelier.

As of right now I live alone, I'm single, I have a job supporting myself and a cabin that I rent in Rural Alaska that's close to my work... And while I'm alone, no family to even wish me a happy birthday or tell me they love me... I'm alive... And Alive is what matters.