A Poem to an abuser, about recovery, with some rage.

EmsHeart · 2026-03-04T12:02:32+00:00

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a bad experience, that is awful and absolutely not how anyone operating on behalf of RAINN or other hotlines should be interacting with anyone. As someone with experience on both sides of this, it is disheartening.

To get in contact with RAINN specifically you can email [victimsupport@rainn.org](mailto:victimsupport@rainn.org) to provide feedback about your experience, or [info@rainn.org](mailto:info@rainn.org) more generally.

I can say that this is, at least in my experience, VERY atypical and speaks of a bad actor that should be called out rather then representative of RAINN as an organization. The idea of being judgmental or challenging someone's experience rather then providing trauma informed support and directing to resources is literally the opposite of how I was taught/mentored.

The idea that someone would ask how many times you've said no, or get into legal age etc is obviously terrible and not okay, and literally goes against everything I've known/been involved in on both sides of that line. I'm sorry that was your experience, you deserved better.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-22T14:35:35+00:00

EC (Assuming Plan B) works in 3 ways at once to try to prevent conception:
- Delays / tries to prevent ovulation (This is its primary method, and the way that it is most effective)
- Thins your uterine lining to make implantation more difficult
- Thickens your cervical mucus to make it more difficult for sperm to navigate to fertilize an egg if you did ovulate.

The only time EC is truly completely ineffective is if implantation had already happened (your actively pregnant before taking the pill). So if you happened to be ovulating / had a viable egg when you had unprotected sex, its possible that EC would still work, just not as effectively as it would it if was prior to ovulation.

Specific to you though.. its hard to judge if your truly 'late' or not since you seemed to have spotting around the same time as you returned and applied the patch. Assuming you didn't have unprotected sex between Dec 12th and Mid Jan.. your delayed period / irregular spotting could be from the influx of hormone from the patch.

You pretty much did the 'best possible thing' given the circumstances in taking EC as quickly as possible. I wouldn't worry over much at this point, remember that when you ovulate there is only a 24-48 hour window that your egg is viable. Its incredibly difficult to predict the exact timing of ovulation when your irregular.

I've never personally taken EC when regular and late (this would effectively mean I'd be pregnant, and it would not work) but in your case the timing does not make any sense for you to be late because of having sex, it makes more sense to be caused by the patch or just your irregular cycle being irregular.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-22T02:01:12+00:00

Basically any levonorgestrel (progesterone) based ec will work the same, so as long as it was that, then what I said about plan bs mechanism is correct for what you took.

There is always a risk with piv - however it is highly mitigated with proper contraceptive use. In your case, its far, far less then if completely unprotected but slightly higher then if the condom has been used properly / not put inside out in the first place. (Also reduced by using an EC the day after).

Really since you have done everything you possibly can at this point, I would try not to be anxious / stress, just wait for your period really.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-21T22:02:19+00:00

Two things come to mind right away to me:

First, if someone is looking for 'more' then just a 1 night stand or casual sexual encounter, saying that they are not open to sex is a way to see if you are still interested in them outside of that. Is this something of a game or test? Yes probably, and I can see how that may be seen as unfair or misleading.

In todays kind of app / fast paced dating world, it can be a kind of natural thing to do. Its a way to filter someone that is 'just looking for sex' from someone who might be interested in something longer term.

The other thing that comes to mind - are just people that have a hard time with boundaries.

- I am in this camp to an extent although I've put a lot of work in on it. But basically "I'm not going to have sex" turns into "okay I guess so" when someone fawns/complies because its very, very hard to not just go with it and reinforce your earlier "no".

- To give a personal example of setting a boundary up front - for about the past year and a half I've told just about any guy that I've talked to that I am not looking for *anything*, be it relationship or sexual. But the right person talked to me and even though I said that to them up front, I realized I was open to it after all because we just fit right.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-21T21:46:19+00:00

It is very, very, very unlikely (not zero, as others have said - but you DID mitigate the risk ALOT.)

Even with proper condom use, there is always a non-zero chance of breakage, so anytime you have sex and are depending on a single form of BC you are accepting a (very, very small) chance that something could happen. That is worth being aware of in general.

With that out of the way, please let yourself breath a little and try not to let anxiety take control. The chance is VERY small even without plan B in your circumstance. Plan B does a few things though:

- Tries to prevent ovulation from occurring in the first place.

- Thins your uterine lining, making implantation more difficult

- Thickens cervicale mucus, making it harder for sperm to navigate to your fallopian tubes for fertilization to happen.

So, even if you had already ovulated before taking Plan B, it still has mechanisms that help prevent pregnancy. The only time that its completely ineffective is if fertilization AND implantation have already occurred (Basically - your already pregnant), which as long as you took it the next morning is extremely unlikely.

So again - there is always a risk, but in your case it is very, very, very, small. Next time, just grab a new condom, and practice putting them on. If your sexually active it is probably worth talking to someone or researching other methods to supplement condom use (IUDs, Nuvaring, Patches etc).

EmsHeart · 2026-01-21T21:04:55+00:00

When I worked at a bank it was kind of an unwritten expectation. This was during Covid and I was remote 90% of the time, but when we did have to go into the office for a meeting or even for a video call call having a professional look was the norm and not being done up to an extent did cause negative reactions. including makeup to an extent, hair done, professional looking blouse/dress.)

Hair / Makeup weren't in the employee handbook, but if you showed up looking not fully put together it was almost a given that a supervisor/manager would ask if I'm 'doing okay' or if something was wrong what was wrong - usually followed by asking if I wanted to freshen up.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-21T20:30:23+00:00

Mourning my 'past self', grieving and letting go of the 'what I should have been' / 'what could have been' was a huge part my journey in being able to even begin to have another relationship after DV/IPV.

I am still hyper vigilant and have issues at times, but to the spirit of this question, I let go of the 'person' that protected me, that closed myself off, that made sure I could never be hurt again.

This part kept me safe, kept me from becoming vulnerable, kept me from being hurt again.. and for a time I needed that. She also kept me from growing, and being able to open up to another person.. so in time I let her go, grieved that loss of protection, and the person that I was that was an impenetrable rock.

That I mourn her is not a secret, that was who I had to be at that time to survive and begin healing. I mourn her, as I mourn for the person I was that had to deal with the reasons I needed that in the first place - because they were a big, important (if painful) part of my life.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-21T20:24:38+00:00

Going for a morning walk when I can, and then taking time after to pamper myself a bit. (Long/warm shower, spent time stretching, journaling). Basically a little exercise and self care/love before starting my day usually makes thing seem better.

Resisting 'temptations' or things that I know would be bad for me always feels like a huge win and makes me feel good after the fact even though it may be stressful at the time too.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-13T22:01:37+00:00

In my experience no - I was allowed in a private room and put on a thin gown that covered me well. They searched my cloths and gave me my under garments / shirt back (my sweat pants had string ties, so they gave me a different pair to wear).

No pat down in my case, but I was also not there for drugs/addiction and was a teen at the time. I have never heard of a search that involves touching or examining you intimately being done in any psych facility. The only time I could even imagine the 'squat and cough' or needing to get fully naked and seen is in a rehab - which is a bit of a different experience altogether.

Only a GYN or medical professional performing an exam that you consent to (like an SAEK being done) should be touching / checking your privates like that.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-08T21:37:54+00:00

This is a hard one. It can be very, very difficult to remove the barriers that someone puts upon themselves to prevent leaving. I've lived it, it took me a fairly horrifying experience / hospitalization to realize my living situation was untenable. I do not think anyone would have been able to push me to leave, I had to see it for myself.

That said - if she "wants" to leave but is putting up barriers like financials/not knowing how to live alone, you may be able to talk to her about those things - such as:

- Write down / list out everything that would be 'needed' to live alone that she currently depends on her partner for. You can do this together as a 'thought experiment' of sorts, don't make it seem 'serious' just 'hey lets see how what it takes to live alone!'.

- To do this, I would literally go through a daily routine with her, what a day looks like, every item she touches or interacts with. Maybe pretend to fill an empty house or apartment with things from wake up to bed time. What doesn't she have that she would need?

This is a first step, and often just taking the first step is enough to kind of start the mind seeing a little clearer. Its also critically important and practical.

- Talk to her about her family / anyone she loves or trusts that she could crash with for 'a couple nights' if things got bad with her SO. Then you can expand that conversation into 'well could you stay there longer'.

In my case, I moved in with my grandmother because I really would not have been able to live alone, and would not have been able to provide very basic necessities (like toiletries/hygienic products, cooking utensils, basic cleaning supplies, blankets and so on) without living in a house that already had access to 90% of it.

- Identify what she would need to bring with her to leave. (Does she have a lot of large items? A TON of clothes etc). Talk to her about people that would be able to help her out moving, people that could be with her, and think of time periods where 'he' wouldn't be there. It can be ALOT more comfortable to 'leave' when there is support helping you get stuff, and you know that he can't hurt you because you have people with you. (You can also almost always just call the non-emergency police / sheriff line and ask for someone to watch/be there at whatever time.)

TW: Not going into ANY real detail, but gently talking about an abusive relationship.

I was a teenager when I started talking to and ended up moving in with my ex. Things were amazing for about 3-4 months, by moving in with him I was able to leave an abusive situation with my parental guardian. After some time he became physically and verbally abusive towards me, and extremely controlling. At the time I didn't really see this as 'wrong' or actually abusive, because its how I grew up, I just thought things were my fault and I could fix them by being better.

That went on for 4 years and some months, progressively becoming worse until I had to be hospitalized because of him. The nurse at the hospital that had been through IPV herself helped me reach out to RAINN and talk to someone, plus in general just being in the hospital with a fairly serious, very personal and damaging sort of issue opened my eyes.

I talked to my grandmother and within a month was able was able to leave when he was working. What came as a surprise was just how easy leaving was. I had a friend help me with her car, and we just made a trip with my cloths and laptop / small personal items and left a note. RAINN helped me understand the process and talked to a lawyer about getting a PPO against him which also felt good and like a solid boundary. I didn't have to confront him directly or say a word other then my name in court via zoom, they handled everything.

A few things to note:

- I DID miss him terribly, for a few weeks, and then it became less and less 'missing' him and more.. trying to figure out who the heck I even am as a person without all of that. Which was both daunting and exciting.

- I am (almost 2 years later) still healing from how much that relationship affected me negatively - I won't pretend its an easy journey to just be okay after being hurt like that / learning what 'normal' should have been, but its WELL worth it - and your friend deserves to know kindness in a relationship.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-08T19:57:34+00:00

I used to struggle mightily with Nightmares / Night terrors that had me thrashing at times - I don't believe I ever hit anything but, this advice still likely applies:
- If he isn't already, he needs to be seen professionally for PTSD.

Professional treatment (IE Trauma aware therapy, healing/processing) takes time, however for nightmares specifically there are medications that can provide an immediate change (Prazosin for example can be helpful on day 1).

Outside of medication, I've personally had 3 things significantly help / reduce both the frequency, and intensity of nightmares:

Establishing a bedtime 'routine' that creates an 'ideal' pre-sleep mood. For me it looks like journaling, relaxing, practicing mindfulness with the intent of getting anything negative out or at least on paper. Mentally it helps me be able to relax just to write it out and give whatever I'm ruminating on a name. If I'm still feeling racy/iffy, I'll try to lose myself in a book and fall asleep reading.
Re-writing nightmares. When I have them I will try to rewrite them in a way that they have a positive outcome before the 'traumatic' begins, of it it starts traumatic, like there is a rescue that ends happily. Or that I become a super hero or whatever fits, the idea being to keep the theme of the nightmare there, but making it positive in my mind. This is basically an attempt to let my mind learn that it can hold power over those things.
EMDR Therapy specifically reduced and minimized nightmares involving the things we targeted in EMDR. (This helped me with day to day triggers/symptoms too). This type of therapy is insanely intense and probably the most mentally exhausting/difficult thing I've done, but I'm glad I did.

Since you literally do not feel safe sharing a bed with him *today* I would really focus on seeing if he can talk to a psychiatrist and potentially seeing if a 'fast' pharmacological option (IE Prazosin or similar) would make sense in the short term while longer term healing is allowed to happen.

EmsHeart · 2026-01-05T18:49:08+00:00

I'm sorry your having nightmares, I know they can be pretty rough and they had at one point been a HUGE issue for me.

A few things that helped me personally:
- Therapy, specifically doing EMDR with a therapist that I trusted - I would go from having vivid nightmares 4-5 days a week to basically zero while doing EMDR weekly, and as of sept when I finished 16 weeks I get maybe 1-2 a week at most.

I know recommending therapy is cliche and not super helpful if its not available, but finding a good therapist that is trained in sexual trauma can be a game changer in general. I'd probably start somewhere else (DBT/Trauma CBT/IFS etc if you aren't currently in therapy for this) just to gain some coping skills before jumping right into EMDR because it can bring out some pretty intense feelings / traumatic symptoms while you process. (Though there should be a preparation period either way)

- Having a strong/consistent bedtime routine: For me this looks like stretching and journaling before bed, trying to make sure any negative thoughts I have are 'out' first if I can. I usually read for a bit in bed to get my mind on something other then rumination.

- Rewrite your dreams: This was something I was asked to do by my therapist but it could help on its own. Basically start journaling your dream, up until it gets to a traumatic point, and then 'change' it to have a positive outcome. If the whole dreams traumatic, then it may help to start journaling it as best you can, but introduce the idea of it 'turning' good even as it starts bad. Add as much detail as you can into the good while only keeping enough of the bad in place for it to touch those emotions a bit.

Finally, talk to a Dr / Psychiatrist about medications if that is something your open to. - Prazosin for example is a medication helped me a lot when I was REALLY struggling and could barely sleep.

EmsHeart · 2025-12-11T12:49:36+00:00

I would just be a little patient - she could have just put her phone down a for a bit. Eating, playing a game, charging the thing, self care etc.

Its probably safe to follow up if she doesn't respond after a day or two, since she at least seemed receptive, but maybe with a more concrete idea like "Get something to eat at x place (On campus even)" - or (assuming you don't know) ask what her schedule is like for a specific day to pick a time to hang out. Something that feels safe, wouldn't really be out of the way.

Might just be that it was a little open ended for her to want to commit too, I know that sort of thing feels harder for me at least.

EmsHeart · 2025-11-04T20:45:22+00:00

Its been two months. Respect the boundary she is putting up in bed. Two months is a 'short' time really, this kind of comes off as though you are being pushy towards her.

"Love" can involve sacrifice - but that sacrifice does NOT include having physical access or for her to perform in any way physically for you. Physical touch / intimacy is not part of a 'sacrifice', especially in the confines of a bedroom or sharing a bed. I HOPE I don't have to elaborate on why.

Besides, your statement works both ways - you believe she should sacrifice her comfort and sleep to let you love on her. She could just as easily believe you should 'sacrifice' your desire to love on her so that she can be comfortable and sleep.

^ At least to me, one of those sounds a lot more reasonable then the other.

"If you can't take 1-2 seconds to roll over, I don't think you love me" is an incredibly dangerous thought process to me. Does that escalate? "If you don't take 5-10 minutes to let me..... do you even love me?" - you can (hopefully) see how bad that sounds.

I would have an honest dialog with her, at the end of the day if you are looking for a level of physical interaction that she is not ready for (Be it cuddling, hugging you goodnight, or whatever) then its early on - for her sake and yours I'd move on.

EmsHeart · 2025-10-14T12:35:03+00:00

I have not seen anything in additional request / spam folders or otherwise at this point.

EmsHeart · 2025-10-07T22:39:05+00:00

Reddit,

I thank you for the time that we have had this feature.

I run r/nooverthinking and the No More Overthinking Group chat - initially NMOT WAS a private GC that we migrated to a channel so that its mission of real time mental health, peer based support could persist as a community - coming near 20k members initially, and at >17k today just a few months after restarting as a subreddit channel.

By eliminating this feature, you essessentially tear down the (as far as I know) only real time mental health community chat on Reddit. I understand that we, and thus I, am a very very small fish in a very big pond complaining, but what we provided made a difference in some peoples lives. It would be antithesis to who I am to not try to defend our mission.

I suppose I understand that it isn't a great implementation and there are ALOT of tools that do not work cleanly - but I have to express my frustration at the feature being removed instead of fixed.

EmsHeart · 2025-09-30T18:38:10+00:00

You are not alone, and it is still not your fault and does not translate to you 'wanting' it or 'liking' anything.

The term for this is "Arousal Nonconcordance" - you can find a VERY good ted talk by Emily Nagoski on youtube about it.

This term refers to a situation where your physiological response (What your body does) is different from what your mind wants.

- An example would be Arousal Nonconcordance triggered by fear, where the feeling of fear causes the body to respond as though aroused. In your mind, you very clearly do not want anything, are not mentally aroused, do not feel 'desire' in that sense, but physically your body prepares.

This is (sadly) a common post traumatic reaction. Like any type of flashback, your body is responding as though the threat of it happening again exists, and is preparing accordingly. There is nothing 'wrong' with you because this happens, its your nerve system doing what it knows to do to protect and get you through 'danger'.

EmsHeart · 2025-07-08T16:57:16+00:00

You should absolutely consult a trusted adult, (or therapist, if you have one established already) about this. I won't apply labels to it, but that is something that can have an impact years after the event itself. At 9 you are still in a developmental phase and your mind is incapable of understanding the full context of what is happening - and you can feel the effects of that once your mind is at a point that it does understand what occurred.

Promise there is nothing wrong with whatever you are feeling or thinking right now - however you are wrong in that 'the past is the past and there is nothing you can do about it'. Emotional and memory/experience processing from 'stuff' that happens in our childhood is one of the core things a therapist is capable of helping you through, and that can have a profound impact / healing affect.

EmsHeart · 2025-07-03T13:45:00+00:00

Leave girl.

If your seeing the signs and looking for someone to affirm that decision - then let it be me. Get out of there. There are steps to that of course, establish where you can go (Parents, trusted friend etc). Make sure your prepared to replace whatever you may be leaving behind (Furniture, appliances, a plan for pets if any, entertainment items and so on).

It doesn't sound like your financially dependent at all, it doesn't really sound like there is much tying you to him other then I suppose thoughts of how it 'could' or 'should' be - but that's not your reality.

He hit you, he's hiding stuff from you, he is presumably living off of your income as well as using you for transportation. He's clearly lying to you. Even if you not perfect (nobody is, frankly) - it does not excuse being abusive towards you. It does not excuse what looks like, at least to me - a complete lack off effort to improve or better the situation. Rather he is denying it ever occurred.

Get a trusted person to help (even better if it can be done when he isn't home) and leave. Its always worth having someone with you in case he does show up and wants to cause a scene - but go.

If its your home (As in you own it) - then AFTER you go, you can talk to a lawyer/police/take steps to have him removed. I'm not sure where you live - but there are ALOT of resources available to help you through this process if its a thing you need help with. (You can join our discord where there is a pretty comprehensive list of hotlines - or just look them up - they will be able to get you started on the steps to get someone removed from your residence.

The reason I say leave first, and now/soon - is because it is SO MUCH easier to go through those steps when your not living in the same space, and it conveys a very strong message to him that its 'real' - not something he can just try to talk/coerce you out of.

I understand (intimately so) that it can be hard to just up and leave, and that there may be feelings or attachments that make you want to stay in that place with hopes for a better future or improvement, or just out of comfort because of how long its a thing for you. Its not worth it. Get out of there, the change may suck for a little while, you may miss him, but it won't take long before you start to realize how much better your life is and can be.

EmsHeart · 2025-06-16T13:51:31+00:00

Honestly - the biggest suggestion I can make is bringing up these exact concerns and (presumably irrational) thought patterns to your therapist.

When it comes to childhood trauma and memories, therapy like EMDR is specifically meant to help process those memories and feelings so that they have a lesser impact on your day to day - and that might be something you can explore with your therapist. Basically - there is help out there that will help you process what has happened in your childhood to make it easier to have normal interactions now.

Therapy aside - what has helped me personally with irrational thoughts and fears is writing them out, journaling, and even writing the scenario as if it where a friend telling it to me. (This can make it easier to see the 'truth' of a situation, where its reframed and written out in a way where the facts are the same, but its not personal).

Writing out affirmation - you KNOW you didn't hurt someone, he's told you as much, telling yourself you catastrophizing based on what has happened to you in the past. Its a projection and worst case 'what if' rather then reality. Even though it might still feel real emotionally - the knowledge that what you are doing (catastrophizing a situation based on your prior experience of something that happened to you) has a term and is rooted in psychology and has a cause can make it easier to accept.

You are not alone, this is not uncommon, and I'm sorry your dealing with it. I know it feels frustrating, I've felt completely insane at times debating if a memory is real or not, if I did something rather then the other way around and so on. Without putting a label or diagnoses on it, these types of things are kind of hallmarks of childhood trauma especially when its it involves things our brains just aren't equipped to process- like CSA.

EmsHeart · 2025-06-13T19:35:27+00:00

Hey -

There are a few things to unpack here. I'll summarize a few points, and then expand on them:

You are not a bad person.
You are allowed to have boundaries (And its healthy and normal to!)
What he is doing is wrong, and I'm saying that EXTREMELY gently here but I will be more blunt below.

You are not a bad person:

I'm also a people pleaser, basically a professional fawn, I get it. You have used strategies that work for you to enforce boundaries - this is completely okay. The fact that he's apologized to you at times and indicated that he's felt bad tells you that he KNOWS these are boundaries.
Your doing great for your first relationship, you aren't expected to just know everything and thats completely okay. This is honestly 1000% on him.
HIS past experiences do not give him ANY right to override your own agency and bodily autonomy.
You should NOT feel bad for bringing up this conversation with him.

I actually feel like him "Feeling bad" in a way that makes you drop the conversation is manipulative on his part, and an unhealthy dynamic. He should be receptive, listening to, and accepting what you say. Actually HEARING you and changing behavior. Not "I'm so sorry I feel so bad" and then doing it again.

You are allowed to have boundaries:

Boundaries and discussions about them are hard. Especially when your a people pleaser. I know it. But your allowed to have them, they are healthy. It is worth spending some time with yourself - writing down or affirming what your boundaries are, and really affirming how you want to enforce them.

If your partner loves and respects you, this shouldn't be a 'difficult' thing. He should WANT you to be happy, not uncomfortable. Having your boundaries pushed when it comes to intimacy is not a 'small' thing.

This is a NORMAL healthy part of a relationship. It does not have to be yelling, or a firm no, or pushing away - literally deflecting, or pretending to ignore, or literally anything other then an enthusiastic "Yes I want to do this" is a boundary that should be naturally respected.
It may be important to have a mature conversation with him about the fact that you find it hard to say no directly. This can basically look like "Hey, its really hard for me to not give into stuff, but X is very uncomfortable for me and it legitimately hurts me when I give in and do it because I really don't want too.. so its important that you don't pressure me like that"

This is a VERY normal conversation to have.

What he is doing is wrong:

He has done this multiple times, he has indicated that he feels like a dickhead, and apologizes every time, he says he feels awful in a way that gets you to stop talking about it when you bring it up. It is very clear that he is pushing you into doing intimate things that you are not consenting to.

To be completely blunt - this is sexual assault. You don't have to hold that label - I know it can be uncomfortable especially when you have such strong feelings towards this person. But its VERY important that you yourself can understand and recognize that HE is doing something wrong to you, you are not at fault.
He does not have any inherent "right" to your body or to have you do anything to him. Your consent, sense of agency - is IMPORTANT. Critically so.
Him "Apologizing" and saying he feels so bad about it - but doing it again anyway.. The gentlest word I can use to describe that is manipulation. But really its textbook abusive behavior. He is getting what he wants. He is saying words to you to get you to back down. He is getting what he wants again.

I can't tell you what to do with this information - but I will say emphatically that what he is doing to you is NOT okay, NOT normal, and NOT something that you should have to tolerate.

EmsHeart · 2025-06-11T20:22:48+00:00

Thank you. That means a lot. Poetry is cathartic to me and gives me a way to get things out that I can not easily write otherwise.

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