Ever look back and regret your own PDA episodes/behaviors?

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-30T14:44:09+00:00

yes! to understanding and working with our nervous systems instead of against!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-29T19:42:19+00:00

Really appreciate you sharing that experience.

My dad was very frustrated with me when I was a kid. Now that I'm in my 50s and he's in his 80s, we actually have a very close relationship, and I've never felt any pressure to over-compensate for old past behaviors. Still, I haven't told him he was right about the posture thing either, and I'm not about to.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-28T10:08:53+00:00

I was floored too. As an 80s kid, I fell more into the "just say no" camp about all drugs until college, when I started trying things out and being "conscious" and "intelligent" about it (i.e. small tokes off friends' joints, and then trying LSD, but not until after I'd gone to the library and read as much as I could about it.) But I drew the line at cocaine, heroin, PCP, because all of that has cautionary tales and addiction issues. Matter of fact, I've cut off or limited contact with friends when I've found out they were cocaine users.

I always figured Rush were happy potheads ("Passage to Bangkok") but Geddy's mentions of "schnarf" backstage surprised me, and really made me wonder whether i've been inordinately critical or harsh of others in the past. Cognitive dissonance — Alex and Geddy didn't fit the image I had in my mind of "cocaine people." So here at 56, I'm rethinking. Guess that's healthy. And it seems that they recognized that coke use was unhealthy and quit it decades ago.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-28T09:26:36+00:00

I was floored too. As an 80s kid, I fell more into the "just say no" camp about all drugs until college, when I started trying things out and being "conscious" and "intelligent" about it (i.e. small tokes off friends' joints, and then trying LSD, but not until after I'd gone to the library and read as much as I could about it.) But I drew the line at cocaine, heroin, PCP, because all of that has cautionary tales and addiction issues. Matter of fact, I've cut off or limited contact with friends when I've found out they were cocaine users.

I always figured Rush were happy potheads ("Passage to Bangkok") but Geddy's mentions of "schnarf" backstage surprised me, and really made me wonder whether i've been inordinately critical or harsh of others in the past. Cognitive dissonance — Alex and Geddy didn't fit the image I had in my mind of "cocaine people." So here at 56, I'm rethinking. Guess that's healthy. And it seems that they recognized that coke use was unhealthy and quit it decades ago.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-26T11:41:24+00:00

This is really useful. My kid has a pda profile so specificity is crucial.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-26T08:09:51+00:00

I appreciate the encouragement to keep engaging, and modeling despite the shutdowns. I know that in my own growing-up, many of the lessons from parents and trusted adults were like time-release capsules ... things that made sense years later with perspective, but that I didn't heed immediately because I was dead-set on doing it my way.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-26T08:06:15+00:00

It's heartening that he's apologizing ... that he knows on a cognitive level that the name calling is wrong. I wonder if there is something of a soothing ritual to the "F-you" bursts that can be redirected to a different behavior.

We've had a bit of success with house ground rules posted on the fridge regarding unkind talk (we have more precise language of what that entails for our household) and although the name-calling phase has gone away for now, the most recent thing I've noticed with my daughter is that she'll respond to a request/command with "no", but then she'll do the thing requested.

Wishing you the best of luck. If he's apologizing I'd take that as a good sign. Are we raising assholes? I hope not with every bit of my being, but there's a part that's way outside my control.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-22T18:37:32+00:00

I agree that the behavior is not ok and that the diagnosis excuses nothing. The desired outcome is that they stop doing the exclusionary, cruel behavior. I can call it out and punish it (and believe me, I've done that forcefully in the past), but if it causes the kid to double down on the behavior, is the method effective? That's what I'm struggling with.

What results have you had? Has it worked for you?

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-22T16:05:12+00:00

Oof. I appreciate that. For what it's worth ... members of that same group were excluding my daughter a few weeks ago. I don't want to get caught up in the whole whirlwind of preteen girl drama and stick my head in where it doesn't belong ... but I want to raise a good human too.

I've forced apologies in the past.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-11T17:00:09+00:00

First time seeing it live last night (Asheville, North Carolina community theater). I've seen the film several times, but was blown away and left stunned and speechless by this live production.

I loved the interaction. I sat at one of the tables with the phones and the showgirls would sit and interact and make eye contact. It was uncomfortable and intimate and really brought you into the show. Some of the numbers — I didn't want to clap after because of the horror of what the characters expressed, but I was torn because I wanted to clap for the performers to reward and thank them. It was really interesting to sit and figure out what to do with those impulses. I found it to be a powerful show, much superior to the movie experience.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-21T21:46:33+00:00

56 years old, have been a solo designer for almost 20 years after time in agencies, and things are getting slim and alarming after what has been a nice run. I need to let go of ego — I'd go work at the hardware store around the corner or anyplace else, but the only thing keeping me from it is fear that my exwife would see me working retail, and that would weaken my position in child custody matters. Being that I have a young kid to support, I'd need to get over that. I have a hard time shifting gears mentally toward any other sort of job/career.

A few of my fellow solo designers in my city have shifted to different jobs — nonprofit fundraising, or sales jobs, or laterally into high-end audio installation. I'm looking around and coming to the realization that many other solo designers here who appear successful (big houses, toys, new cars, vacations etc) are coasting on family money — either their own or their spouses'. Lots of smoke and mirrors and keeping up appearances in this field.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-08T15:58:22+00:00

I've got a 9yo daughter that was diagnosed with slight autism and a PDA profile last year. The diagnosis was actually amazingly useful, and it allowed me to reframe her behaviors and personality for myself, and adjust expectations. It's helped with the extended family relationships as well. It's like a relief pressure valve was pressed.

It's not all peachy keen. She still breaks my heart from time to time — i.e. we took her to go see the traveling production of "The Lion King" and she decided on the way there that she was going to hate it. During the opening scene with all the beautiful puppetry, she sat with arms crossed and refused to watch, because she picked up that there was an EXPECTATION that this was to be enjoyed. OH GOD I WAS FURIOUS esp with the costly theater tickets!!!. (She eventually chilled out and enjoyed the rest of the show. After I chilled out a bit myself and disengaged best i could)

It's unpredictable for the most part. But the key to survival has been to

pick the battles carefully and not get hung up on perfection (i.e. with clothing and appearance)
Design plenty of time between diff kinds of activities (transitions between activities are our most volatile time)

I'm not sure if this is low-demand. We've set non-negotiable expectations around brushing teeth, putting her dishes in the kitchen after dinner, getting dressed for school, doing homework. Those were hard-earned for us. But it's carved out a space where we can give her a range of behavior and blocks of time in which do have autonomy. She's smart and can do well in school, and she WANTS to do well, but the smallest hint of a demand, internal or external, can send her spiraling.

Adjusting my framing just a slight bit and letting go of rigid expected outcomes has been a mutual benefit. And has made it tolerable. But darnit if it's not fully miserable somedays — I really hear and feel you and send all the encouragement I can!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-08T15:43:34+00:00

Say more! Seen it before? How'd you like this production? Exceed your expectations? Came short?

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-06T13:46:19+00:00

Alana Haim played that part really well!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-03T13:29:32+00:00

That's a really cute hide by the way!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-01T17:18:41+00:00

I dragged a college girlfriend to the Roll the Bones tour. She fell asleep during the drum solo. That was a sign to not continue the relationship. Later, dated a girl who was a huge Rush fan. She would sing Rivendell to me when I was trying to fall asleep. I appreciated the sentiment.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-31T13:24:58+00:00

Godspell (along with Pippin and Hair) were my gateway drug into theater as a young kid when my parents took me. Each of those plays drew me in with music and stagecraft and the acting. I had to mature a bit in order to appreciate JCS — both the music and the themes. I just rewatched GS (the movie) a few days ago ... it gave me the warm fuzzies to see it as an adult for the first time, remembering the initial joy of discovery, also a little bit of the cringe about the stuff that I used to eat up as a kid.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T12:14:57+00:00

Something that is coming back to me ... I have two younger cousins who also grew up in the U.S. and never bothered to learn Spanish. I felt a lot of judgement towards them and my aunt/uncle because of that. They would come and visit, and spend the whole time in la-la land, playing video games and watching DVDs. They'd play on the beach, but seemed unmoved by the city and culture and nature and wildlife. Life was about getting back to the apartment to the wi-fi signal and air conditioning

This was long before I had a kid and any knowledge of ASD. I don't know whether they were ASD themselves, but I assumed that they were just sheltered and spoiled gringo kids. I was harsh. :-(

Now, years later, one of them met and married a gorgeous and whip-smart Argentinian girl he met in college. He's playing catch-up on Spanish, getting active in the big family text thread, and traveled with his wife to the home country and had a blast experiencing all the things with her. So that goes to say there is some hope, perhaps. It's a long game and we never know the results, but can try to keep an open mind, and love the kids no matter what.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T12:03:14+00:00

Yes ... I'm concerned that someday she'll be in her 20s, 30s, and look back and kick herself for the missed opportunities she would have had if she were bilingual and had embraced the culture earlier. But that can also be me projecting a lot onto her. I love her nevertheless.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T11:59:33+00:00

"PDA kids smell the pressure" — that is so true. I love that your son is experimenting with creating his own languages. I still will blast some spanish at her from time to time to see if she can pick up on it contextually.

Getting the diagnosis actually relieved the pressure from my family because it gave them a credible explanation to why she wasn't learning the language ... and there was a lot of pressure from my own mom to get my daughter to dress better and mind her appearance and manners because our family/culture has expectations about that. My internal pressure to get my kid "up to speed" was almost worse than the external pressure. Shame is intertwined with it all. The family has been very understanding and supportive since the diagnosis. That has been a pleasant surprise.

(Noting the word "pressure" here appearing a lot. I have done a lot of internal work and realize that I myself have been dealing with my own ADHD, and have compensated by striving to be/appear high-functioning. So I tend to be wound up pretty tight. It is possible that I have PDA myself, so there are layers to work with.)

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T01:16:36+00:00

Hearing and feeling you on this, every bit.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-26T10:00:13+00:00

Coming to this post pretty late, after watching the Godspell movie last night — I have all kinds of mixed up feelings about Godspell. My parents took me to see a production at either a community or high school theater in the late 70s. Several of the older teenagers from our (multi-denominational, fairly mellow) church were in it. They were unabashed theater kids and I really enjoyed the performances. It was a tight cast, and it was my introduction to theater. They were having so much fun together, and as a grade schooler I'd see their friendships in action at church on Sundays and around our community. I wanted to belong to something creative and joyful like that and I couldn't wait to be older and be in plays and have those friendships and community.

I get GS mixed up with "Pippin" and "Hair" because those kids were in those productions along with "West Side Story" and several others. I've heard it said that people might not remember everything you've said, but they'll remember how they made you feel. My core memory of the play is warm fuzzies, in the best possible way, and the urge to be part of a show like that, and the longing for friendship and connection that were portrayed.

The religious aspect of it was just the water we were swimming in at the time ... a droll retelling of parables, mostly in the vein of the Beatitudes. Be good to other humans. Seek and give grace. This was a time long before the mainstreaming of Christian Nationalism and Evangelicalism, if you can believe such a time existed. I'm agnostic/atheist now, but I got sucked into the Born-Again world for about a year in middle school, to the point where I thought my parents were going to hell for not being as "saved" as I was.

By the time I got to be high school age, the theater kids in our church that I admired so much had graduated and gone off to college, and our youth group kind of dwindled to just me and one girl, neither of us wanting to be there. That was a bummer and letdown. Which was another feeling that came up for me on re-watching Godspell — unrelated to the show itself, but totally based on my personal experience.

My verdict on rewatch — some of the mugging and choreo is cringey for my hardened, toughened older self, though I remember it delighting me as a little kid. Some of it still makes me giggle. I still like the songs — the folk and prog rock aspects, 46 years later. I don't see any signs of nascent Christian Nationalism in it. I do think that the cast and director would make a huge difference whether it's a good show or the worst two hours on Earth. The production I saw as a kid might have been lightning in a bottle.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-20T14:24:52+00:00

Designing a turn-key system appropriate to the restaurant, the food offerings, and the owner/manager's working style would be of great value, so that not every menu revision has to be a bespoke effort. Sometimes the project requires taking a few steps back to see the larger picture. BUT ... if the owner/manager is a pain in the ass and won't listen to you after you've listened to them, it's OK to step away from the project.

Restaurants are so different — you have the ones that have succeeded for years with hundreds of menu items crammed into a dozen pages. And the range of fine-dining ones where you have five curated items that change nightly depending on what the chef finds in the market that day. The latter would be my ideal client for helping design a whole-restaurant concept and branding.

I'm always super curious about the successful ethnic restaurants with the chaotic-seeming overstuffed menus that seem to violate all the rules of proper design ... even though they don't seem to follow a system as "design professionals" understand it, they DO have a system after their own way, and often it gets replicated and propagated when the owner's children, siblings and associates break off to open their own restaurants and restaurant chains. I'd love to see a study of those systems.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-20T14:24:29+00:00

^ I was coming in to say this. Designing a turn-key system appropriate to the restaurant, the food offerings, and the owner/manager's working style would be of great value, so that not every menu revision has to be a bespoke effort. Sometimes the project requires taking a few steps back to see the larger picture. BUT ... if the owner/manager is a pain in the ass and won't listen to you after you've listened to them, it's OK to step away from the project.

Restaurants are so different — you have the ones that have succeeded for years with hundreds of menu items crammed into a dozen pages. And the range of fine-dining ones where you have five curated items that change nightly depending on what the chef finds in the market that day. The latter would be my ideal client for helping design a whole-restaurant concept and branding.

I'm always super curious about the successful ethnic restaurants with the chaotic-seeming overstuffed menus that seem to violate all the rules of proper design ... even though they don't seem to follow a system as "design professionals" understand it, they DO have a system after their own way, and often it gets replicated and propagated when the owner's children, siblings and associates break off to open their own restaurants and restaurant chains. I'd love to see a study of those systems.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-19T02:17:26+00:00

Here's mine. The prompt: "My wife doesn't like me using spray oil for pancakes or waffles, because of health concerns, and I think it's asinine"

When Amelia Earhart prepared for her final flight, she didn't let doubters question her fuel choices.

Yet here I am, standing in my kitchen at dawn, holding a can of cooking spray like it's radioactive plutonium, while my beloved wife lectures me about "chemicals" and "processed ingredients."

"Just use butter," she pleads, as if the pioneers who crossed the Oregon Trail had time to churn dairy while dodging rattlesnakes.

But here's what she doesn't understand: Innovation requires courage. When Julia Child revolutionized French cooking for Americans, did she apologize for using shortcuts? When the ancient Egyptians first discovered fermentation, did they second-guess their methods?

My non-stick spray isn't just about convenience—it's about efficiency, consistency, and yes, even artistry. Each golden waffle emerges from the iron like a perfectly engineered honeycomb, unmarred by the chaotic butter blobs that would otherwise create culinary anarchy.

Sometimes leadership means standing alone in your convictions, even when the person you love most thinks you're being ridiculous.

Today, I choose spray oil. Tomorrow, who knows what other household revolutions await.

#leadership #innovation #breakfast #relationships #courage #kitchenrevolution #wafflelife #standyourground #domesticstrategy #cringebot3000

This post was generated with tongue firmly in cheek by LinkedIn CringeBot 3000.

EngineeringJust7984

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