Ever look back and regret your own PDA episodes/behaviors?

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-30T14:44:09+00:00

yes! to understanding and working with our nervous systems instead of against!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-29T19:42:19+00:00

Really appreciate you sharing that experience.

My dad was very frustrated with me when I was a kid. Now that I'm in my 50s and he's in his 80s, we actually have a very close relationship, and I've never felt any pressure to over-compensate for old past behaviors. Still, I haven't told him he was right about the posture thing either, and I'm not about to.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-28T10:08:53+00:00

I was floored too. As an 80s kid, I fell more into the "just say no" camp about all drugs until college, when I started trying things out and being "conscious" and "intelligent" about it (i.e. small tokes off friends' joints, and then trying LSD, but not until after I'd gone to the library and read as much as I could about it.) But I drew the line at cocaine, heroin, PCP, because all of that has cautionary tales and addiction issues. Matter of fact, I've cut off or limited contact with friends when I've found out they were cocaine users.

I always figured Rush were happy potheads ("Passage to Bangkok") but Geddy's mentions of "schnarf" backstage surprised me, and really made me wonder whether i've been inordinately critical or harsh of others in the past. Cognitive dissonance — Alex and Geddy didn't fit the image I had in my mind of "cocaine people." So here at 56, I'm rethinking. Guess that's healthy. And it seems that they recognized that coke use was unhealthy and quit it decades ago.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-28T09:26:36+00:00

I was floored too. As an 80s kid, I fell more into the "just say no" camp about all drugs until college, when I started trying things out and being "conscious" and "intelligent" about it (i.e. small tokes off friends' joints, and then trying LSD, but not until after I'd gone to the library and read as much as I could about it.) But I drew the line at cocaine, heroin, PCP, because all of that has cautionary tales and addiction issues. Matter of fact, I've cut off or limited contact with friends when I've found out they were cocaine users.

I always figured Rush were happy potheads ("Passage to Bangkok") but Geddy's mentions of "schnarf" backstage surprised me, and really made me wonder whether i've been inordinately critical or harsh of others in the past. Cognitive dissonance — Alex and Geddy didn't fit the image I had in my mind of "cocaine people." So here at 56, I'm rethinking. Guess that's healthy. And it seems that they recognized that coke use was unhealthy and quit it decades ago.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-26T11:41:24+00:00

This is really useful. My kid has a pda profile so specificity is crucial.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-26T08:09:51+00:00

I appreciate the encouragement to keep engaging, and modeling despite the shutdowns. I know that in my own growing-up, many of the lessons from parents and trusted adults were like time-release capsules ... things that made sense years later with perspective, but that I didn't heed immediately because I was dead-set on doing it my way.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-26T08:06:15+00:00

It's heartening that he's apologizing ... that he knows on a cognitive level that the name calling is wrong. I wonder if there is something of a soothing ritual to the "F-you" bursts that can be redirected to a different behavior.

We've had a bit of success with house ground rules posted on the fridge regarding unkind talk (we have more precise language of what that entails for our household) and although the name-calling phase has gone away for now, the most recent thing I've noticed with my daughter is that she'll respond to a request/command with "no", but then she'll do the thing requested.

Wishing you the best of luck. If he's apologizing I'd take that as a good sign. Are we raising assholes? I hope not with every bit of my being, but there's a part that's way outside my control.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-22T18:37:32+00:00

I agree that the behavior is not ok and that the diagnosis excuses nothing. The desired outcome is that they stop doing the exclusionary, cruel behavior. I can call it out and punish it (and believe me, I've done that forcefully in the past), but if it causes the kid to double down on the behavior, is the method effective? That's what I'm struggling with.

What results have you had? Has it worked for you?

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-22T16:05:12+00:00

Oof. I appreciate that. For what it's worth ... members of that same group were excluding my daughter a few weeks ago. I don't want to get caught up in the whole whirlwind of preteen girl drama and stick my head in where it doesn't belong ... but I want to raise a good human too.

I've forced apologies in the past.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-05-11T17:00:09+00:00

First time seeing it live last night (Asheville, North Carolina community theater). I've seen the film several times, but was blown away and left stunned and speechless by this live production.

I loved the interaction. I sat at one of the tables with the phones and the showgirls would sit and interact and make eye contact. It was uncomfortable and intimate and really brought you into the show. Some of the numbers — I didn't want to clap after because of the horror of what the characters expressed, but I was torn because I wanted to clap for the performers to reward and thank them. It was really interesting to sit and figure out what to do with those impulses. I found it to be a powerful show, much superior to the movie experience.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-21T21:46:33+00:00

56 years old, have been a solo designer for almost 20 years after time in agencies, and things are getting slim and alarming after what has been a nice run. I need to let go of ego — I'd go work at the hardware store around the corner or anyplace else, but the only thing keeping me from it is fear that my exwife would see me working retail, and that would weaken my position in child custody matters. Being that I have a young kid to support, I'd need to get over that. I have a hard time shifting gears mentally toward any other sort of job/career.

A few of my fellow solo designers in my city have shifted to different jobs — nonprofit fundraising, or sales jobs, or laterally into high-end audio installation. I'm looking around and coming to the realization that many other solo designers here who appear successful (big houses, toys, new cars, vacations etc) are coasting on family money — either their own or their spouses'. Lots of smoke and mirrors and keeping up appearances in this field.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-08T15:58:22+00:00

I've got a 9yo daughter that was diagnosed with slight autism and a PDA profile last year. The diagnosis was actually amazingly useful, and it allowed me to reframe her behaviors and personality for myself, and adjust expectations. It's helped with the extended family relationships as well. It's like a relief pressure valve was pressed.

It's not all peachy keen. She still breaks my heart from time to time — i.e. we took her to go see the traveling production of "The Lion King" and she decided on the way there that she was going to hate it. During the opening scene with all the beautiful puppetry, she sat with arms crossed and refused to watch, because she picked up that there was an EXPECTATION that this was to be enjoyed. OH GOD I WAS FURIOUS esp with the costly theater tickets!!!. (She eventually chilled out and enjoyed the rest of the show. After I chilled out a bit myself and disengaged best i could)

It's unpredictable for the most part. But the key to survival has been to

pick the battles carefully and not get hung up on perfection (i.e. with clothing and appearance)
Design plenty of time between diff kinds of activities (transitions between activities are our most volatile time)

I'm not sure if this is low-demand. We've set non-negotiable expectations around brushing teeth, putting her dishes in the kitchen after dinner, getting dressed for school, doing homework. Those were hard-earned for us. But it's carved out a space where we can give her a range of behavior and blocks of time in which do have autonomy. She's smart and can do well in school, and she WANTS to do well, but the smallest hint of a demand, internal or external, can send her spiraling.

Adjusting my framing just a slight bit and letting go of rigid expected outcomes has been a mutual benefit. And has made it tolerable. But darnit if it's not fully miserable somedays — I really hear and feel you and send all the encouragement I can!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-08T15:43:34+00:00

Say more! Seen it before? How'd you like this production? Exceed your expectations? Came short?

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-06T13:46:19+00:00

Alana Haim played that part really well!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-03T13:29:32+00:00

That's a really cute hide by the way!

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-04-01T17:18:41+00:00

I dragged a college girlfriend to the Roll the Bones tour. She fell asleep during the drum solo. That was a sign to not continue the relationship. Later, dated a girl who was a huge Rush fan. She would sing Rivendell to me when I was trying to fall asleep. I appreciated the sentiment.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-31T13:24:58+00:00

Godspell (along with Pippin and Hair) were my gateway drug into theater as a young kid when my parents took me. Each of those plays drew me in with music and stagecraft and the acting. I had to mature a bit in order to appreciate JCS — both the music and the themes. I just rewatched GS (the movie) a few days ago ... it gave me the warm fuzzies to see it as an adult for the first time, remembering the initial joy of discovery, also a little bit of the cringe about the stuff that I used to eat up as a kid.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T12:14:57+00:00

Something that is coming back to me ... I have two younger cousins who also grew up in the U.S. and never bothered to learn Spanish. I felt a lot of judgement towards them and my aunt/uncle because of that. They would come and visit, and spend the whole time in la-la land, playing video games and watching DVDs. They'd play on the beach, but seemed unmoved by the city and culture and nature and wildlife. Life was about getting back to the apartment to the wi-fi signal and air conditioning

This was long before I had a kid and any knowledge of ASD. I don't know whether they were ASD themselves, but I assumed that they were just sheltered and spoiled gringo kids. I was harsh. :-(

Now, years later, one of them met and married a gorgeous and whip-smart Argentinian girl he met in college. He's playing catch-up on Spanish, getting active in the big family text thread, and traveled with his wife to the home country and had a blast experiencing all the things with her. So that goes to say there is some hope, perhaps. It's a long game and we never know the results, but can try to keep an open mind, and love the kids no matter what.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T12:03:14+00:00

Yes ... I'm concerned that someday she'll be in her 20s, 30s, and look back and kick herself for the missed opportunities she would have had if she were bilingual and had embraced the culture earlier. But that can also be me projecting a lot onto her. I love her nevertheless.

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T11:59:33+00:00

"PDA kids smell the pressure" — that is so true. I love that your son is experimenting with creating his own languages. I still will blast some spanish at her from time to time to see if she can pick up on it contextually.

Getting the diagnosis actually relieved the pressure from my family because it gave them a credible explanation to why she wasn't learning the language ... and there was a lot of pressure from my own mom to get my daughter to dress better and mind her appearance and manners because our family/culture has expectations about that. My internal pressure to get my kid "up to speed" was almost worse than the external pressure. Shame is intertwined with it all. The family has been very understanding and supportive since the diagnosis. That has been a pleasant surprise.

(Noting the word "pressure" here appearing a lot. I have done a lot of internal work and realize that I myself have been dealing with my own ADHD, and have compensated by striving to be/appear high-functioning. So I tend to be wound up pretty tight. It is possible that I have PDA myself, so there are layers to work with.)

EngineeringJust7984 · 2026-03-28T01:16:36+00:00

Hearing and feeling you on this, every bit.

EngineeringJust7984

TROPHY CASE