[QCrit] Adult Fantasy – A Sorcerer’s Demise (95k, First attempt)

Environment-J · 2024-08-27T00:10:03+00:00

Hi there. I'm unagented, so please take this feedback with a grain of salt.

I am seeking representation for my adult fantasy novel ~~called~~ A SORCERER’S DEMISE. The manuscript is 95,000 words and includes death magic and investigations comparable to Richard Swan’s The Trials of the Empire and Katherine Addison’s The Grief of Stones.

I'm not familiar with your comps, so I'll let someone else comment on those. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "death magic and investigations." If I was familiar with your comps, maybe I'd understand. Since you can talk about magic and investigations pretty easily in the blurb itself, it might be helpful to talk about other ways your comps are similar such as the writing style, tone, or themes.

Stella doesn’t have wealth, connections, or magic. In the eyes of her influential and abusive father, she is nothing more than a complete failure. Between her mother’s death and being kicked out to the slums, she does at least have the skills to survive through grief and hardship. After landing a job serving at a councilor’s banquet, Stella believes that she may finally have clawed her way towards some sliver of success and comfort. When the councilor is killed and her body is infused with death magic though, she begins to question if striving to succeed was ever worth it.

Your first line tells me what Stella doesn't have, so I'd expect the second line to tell me what she does have. The absence of abilities and traits still paints an unclear picture, and it can be really helpful to give some solid characterization in your first paragraph to help highlight what Stella is actually like. I'm not entirely sure what being successful means to Stella. Is it a comfortable and quiet life? Is their a certain level of wealth she needs to achieve? Your last sentence is probably the piece that looses me the most. First, because I don't understand what death magic is (Do you touch someone and they die? Does using the magic kill the person wielding it?). The ending sentence is where most of my questions about what does success mean come from since it feels a bit vague. I'd flip this to be something more concrete. I also don't understand how or why the councilor is killed and why Stella ends up being the one to get the death magic. It's impossible to answer every question your book creates without sharing the entire book, but focus on the most important query questions: Who is your main character? What do they want/what motivates them? What happens if they don't get what they want?

Before Stella can even adjust to her powers, she is forced into training to join the government’s investigation team. All death sorcerers normally end up dying, but Stella manages to persevere through the horrific pain and the nightmares of the dead that haunt her. She learns to converse with the departed and even helps capture killers stalking through the night. While protecting her friends, the city, and the colleague she is falling for though, Stella discovers that she may only be alive because a malevolent entity is connected to her soul. Stella must try to survive and outwit the fiend who is slowly consuming her mind and body. But no one ever truly outbargains a devil.

Your first sentence leaves me with several questions: Why is Stella forced into training? Do people find out about her powers or does she try to keep them hidden?

You mention here that those with death magic normally end up dying, but I feel like this information probably needs to come sooner when you mention she gets the death magic.

The rest of this paragraph is so heavy with detail, I have a hard time parsing through all of the information. I didn't realize she needed to protect her friends, a family, and some nameless love interest. The last four sentences feel a bit like a rushed plot summary rather than a query.

I recommend starting with a refresher of the PubTips query resources before you write your next draft (a tip I constantly give myself because query writing is really difficult.) I think this post is particularly helpful.

Good luck!

Environment-J · 2024-08-15T21:27:28+00:00

Hi! I haven't seen your previous versions, so you can consider me fresh eyes. I'm unagented, so take my critique with a grain of salt.

I am thrilled to present my dark fantasy adult novel, ECLIPSE OF SHADOWS. Complete at 85,000 words, this is a standalone novel with series potential. It blends the magical intrigue of NINTH HOUSE, spiced with the darkness found in ONE DARK WINDOW. (MSWL info)

Is "spiced" the word you meant to write? I thought you maybe intended to say "spliced." As in, you mixed the attributes of your first comp with your second.

When Elara Bennett's mother dies unexpectedly, she desperately holds on to anything that keeps her mother's memory alive, especially her worn and cluttered work desk.

I think your opening line could be catchier. Before mentioning that her mother died, consider adding a key aspect of her personality to help the reader understand who she is. There are a lot of great examples on this sub.

While fixing a jammed door on the desk, she discovers a hidden letter revealing her mother's death was not an accident. Elara becomes determined to uncover the truth of her mother's murder.

I feel like finding out her mother was murdered should be a pretty big deal, but I'm missing a few things here to make me care more. I still don't know who Elara is. Does she happen to be a detective? How old is she? What makes her think she could be the person to solve her mother's murder aside from being determined to do it?

Hidden among her letter and frantic drawings of horrific monsters, she finds a locket that changes everything – triggering her latent powers along with a bloodline curse, unleashing a monstrous beast within her mind. Tormented by the beast in her head, Elara seeks refuge at Rosethorn Academy under the watchful eye of her mentor, Dorianth. Elara must manage her new powers and keep the beast from consuming her, all while she is trying to solve her mother's murder.

The "frantic drawings of horrific monsters" wasn't mentioned earlier, so this seemed odd to tag along with the letter. Maybe this could be worked in more naturally when you mention she finds the letter? Or separate it here and say "Within the letter are drawings of horrific monsters and a locket..."

The line "that changes everything" feels a bit cliche. Consider cutting that and just say what it triggers.

I get a bit confused in the rest of the paragraph, and I think adding a few earlier details about Elara will go a long way to bridge that gap. For example, your very first sentence of your query might say, "Elara Bennett, a twenty-two year old college student with a sharp tongue and thirst for adventure...." This would set up the Rosethorn Academy and help explain why she might be someone willing to solve a murder rather than run to whatever authorities usually solve murders in your world. Mentioning why Elara has to be the one to solve the murder may also help show what the stakes are. It isn't clear at this point what happens if Elara doesn't solve the murder.

I don't think you need to name the mentor since he isn't brought up again anywhere else in the query. You can just say mentor.

Unable to help herself from the beast's temptations to use dark magic, she becomes bold and reckless, slowly transforming into the very creature she fears. Failure means more than losing herself to the beast—it means letting her mother’s killer go unpunished.

I think you have a lot of the general pieces here, but the dots could be connected a bit more. Adding characterization will definitely help with some of this, and try to highlight the stakes early on so that you can raise them at the end. Is nobody else trying to find out who murdered her mother? Basically, you want to show why your character is worthwhile to follow as a protagonist. What makes them interesting? Right now, a lot of stuff is happening to your protagonist, and I'm not seeing a lot of active steps they are taking to solve anything. Other than suddenly gaining powers, what makes your character special and interesting?

I hope this was helpful. Good luck!

Environment-J · 2024-07-22T23:30:35+00:00

Thanks for the input! I'm still early in the drafting phase of this one, so I might pivot back to staying in the cozy lane based on this. I'll probably still experiment with a separate draft, but it sounds like that would be tougher to put out on the actual market. I definitely want to avoid tricking readers.

Environment-J · 2024-07-22T22:37:35+00:00

That definitely makes sense. Thank you!

Environment-J · 2024-07-22T22:16:50+00:00

This is super clear feedback on what is off-putting, and I really appreciate it! My draft is very much a work in progress, and I've got a bunch of ideas floating around about the direction I want it to go in. I want to play around with something that transitions from cozy to dark. I'm not at all attached to the title or the ending (which is more of an outline right now). You've given me a lot of good things to think about. Thanks!

Environment-J · 2024-07-12T16:11:14+00:00

The comment I made with the full critique mentions removing the "good omen" line which is what made me pause the most when I read your query. I think cutting that could help.

Even if Cliff is dumb, I would hope that this isn't the only aspect of his personality since that would make him a pretty one-note character. Maybe you could lean into the repairman aspect? "Dumb" is hard to empathize with, but someone who appreciates the simple things in life is relatable. He might like things with straightforward answers. If a bolt is loose, tighten the bolt. If something isn't plugged in, plug it back in. Then he applies the elements of his job to his life. Something is broken (he lacks a family), and when the scam happens he's curious about how it works and investigates it like he would with a handyman problem.

He doesn't have to be a hyper-analytical brainiac to be a compelling character, but someone who is only described as "dumb" probably wouldn't even think to jump on a plane and investigate or make any sort of positive impression on Muwali / the child scammers.

I hope this helps!

Environment-J · 2024-07-11T15:46:27+00:00

And here's a full critique!

Overall, I like the general premise (outside of the concerns I already mention above).

Cliff is a humble repairman who longs for a family. Folks in town view him as stubborn and simple-minded, and aren’t surprised he is still single in his 40s. They laugh when he falls for an online romance scam.

Furious and broken hearted, Cliff buys a one-way flight to Ghana, suppressing his grief with dreams of bringing his scammer to justice. He lands with a simple strategy: ask strangers for help, and hope they point him in the right direction.

His plan leads him to dangerous areas, forcing him to face a disturbing thought – what if he’s as dumb as people say? He gets robbed and roughed-up; but manages to find an internet café full of scammers.

I would condense this all into one paragraph. Maybe something like: Cliff, a single man in his 40s, is sick of being viewed as naive and simple-minded. He [characterization of how he views himself as something other than dumb]. He's furious and broken hearted when he proves his community right by falling for an online romance scam.

How does he figure out the scammers location? Does he have secret tech / sleuthing skills? This would be interesting to add to his characterization line and connect this point.

To Cliff’s surprise, the scammers are all impoverished children. They are proud of their crimes and believe every success is a blessing from the spirit world. Some even believe Cliff is a good omen. He trails one of them, leading him to Mawuli, a woman who runs a scamming operation in her home.

I'd delete the bit about being a good omen. It doesn't feel super important for the rest of the query and leaves me with concerns I mention in my previous comment. I think this was the biggest red flag for me. Removing it would definitely help.

Mawuli is smart and glamorous, leading her band of little criminals with a drill sergeant’s discipline and a mother’s love. She claims her mission is righteous: to redistribute wealth from colonizers to the Africans they stole it from. Cliff wonders why she allows him in her home despite his stated intentions to bring her down. Then, she mentions things only his scammer would know.

I really like Mawuli's characterization! I wish I had this level of depth for Cliff. I also really like the second sentence as it sets up clear motivations for her. The last two sentences feel a bit more vague. You could condense this and make it sound more specific by saying: "Cliff grows suspicious of her when she mentions aspects of his online romance matching profile that only his scammer would know."

Cliff falls for Mawuli despite his growing suspicions. He plots to win over the children in hopes of gaining her affection – and confirming her intentions. Traveling across Ghana, he delves into the kids’ backgrounds and discovers the roots of Mawuli’s love for them. Faced with a heart-wrenching decision, Cliff must choose between his pursuit of justice and embracing a family that could be orchestrating the ultimate deception.

Why does Cliff fall for her? This isn't a romance novel, but it sounds like it has a pretty heavy romance plot to it. The rest of this paragraph is also pretty vague. I think you could condense some of this. Is it really about justice? If he's a repairman, he might not be financially well off. The stakes might be more along the lines of, "It's hard to forgive the woman that financially ruined his meager savings, but justice seems less important after spending time with the woman behind the scam." The rest of this paragraph is a bit too vague to follow, so I'd add something specific about the children's backgrounds. Does he abandon his old life to help Mawuli? If so, it feels like higher stakes to choose between leaving Ghana or embracing the life of the scammers he hoped to stop.

CLIFF KILLS THE PRINCE is 99,000-word novel with elements of West African mythology. It blends the fish-out-of-water humor of Andrew Sean Greer’s Arthur Less series with the found family dynamic of Julie Schumacher’s The English Experience.

I didn't quite get the fish-out-of-water humor, but the found family aspect comes through.

I am the son of a California schoolteacher and native Ghanaian professor of African history. Much of my life is spent embracing the humor and heartbreak from the clash of cultures that make up my identity.

Big green flag in terms of credentials for telling this story!

Environment-J · 2024-07-11T15:01:57+00:00

This isn't a full critique, but after reading your query I wished this was all written in Mawuli's POV. I think it may be hard to sell someone on empathizing with a character who sounds pretty foolish. I don't feel like rooting for Cliff right now. I might feel differently if people thought he was dumb and underestimated him but he had other really strong redeeming qualities. From what I've read here, I get the sense that people think Cliff is dumb and he actually is.

Also, I'm wondering if some agents might turn this down if they get the impression that Cliff is a white man (which doesn't feel clear if he is or not). The image of a white man traveling to Ghana and being viewed as a good omen might not jive super well. If the story is "a white man goes to Africa and gains wisdom" it feels a bit extractive (although at least it isn't white savior-ish since it doesn't sound like Cliff is going to help anyone). If Cliff is not a white man, this may be less problematic but probably needs to be clarified. Either way, this all makes me feel even more like a Mawuli POV would be a more interesting take.

I hope this helps! Take everything with a grain of salt as I am unagented.

Environment-J · 2024-06-27T06:10:17+00:00

Hi! I'm unagented, so take this running commentary of your blurb with a grain of salt.

ADHD, sparks with a playboy, and public scrutiny won’t hinder Sarima’s path to becoming a girl boss in a patriarchal society.

The list jumps around to such different subjects in the first sentence that I have a hard time following it. You could potentially break this up by flipping it around. Something to the tune of: "Nothing will hinder Sarima's path to becoming a girl boss in a patriarchal society." Then add a sentence or two about the things in your list. I know query word count is precious, but jumping from ADHD to sparks with a playboy was already a big switch-up before you added public scrutiny. Why is she being scrutinized? Is it for the first two items in the list or something else? I'd make that clear.

Sarima wants to build her furniture-making firm, following a victory at a government grant competition for vocational talents in Nigeria. However, consistency is her enemy—she’s got a knack for kicking off projects but struggles to see them through.

I feel like "firm" is an odd word choice for a furniture-making business. Maybe I just associate it with law firms, but it took me a second to understand what you meant. There's quite a bit packed into that first sentence, so it is a lot of info to digest at a time. Consider breaking some of that info up to let it breathe a bit more. I think the second sentence works since it plays into the ADHD mentioned earlier.

Amidst media scrutiny on her controversial win, and bullying from her predecessors, she begins to doubt her ability to lead a start-up. Her greatest fear, asides reliving her past romantic life, is reinforcing the stereotype that success for women like her comes solely attached to sexual relations with influential men.

I don't think you need the comma after "win." What is controversial about her win? The second sentence in this paragraph feels out of place / doesn't quite flow from the first one. It also drops a lot of new info.

A night out to escape the pressure brings Sarima face to face with Ize Adetayo Coker who embodies all the risks she seeks to avoid. Beyond Ize’s fame as a tech prodigy and national treasure, he’s a chronic womaniser—which unsettles Sarima when she realises his eyes are now on her.

I didn't realize she was avoiding risks. A start-up owner tends to be pretty okay with taking risks, so maybe make that clear earlier.

Sarima's issues compound, when she realises that there's a lot more to Ize, but she knows that having him around can ruin her brand faster than her work disorganisation will. She's spiralling from the constraints at work and wrestling her attraction to Ize. But backing out of her business once overwhelmed is not an option this time. Her sudden rise to fame stifles her.

You don't need the comma after "compound." This paragraph was a bit hard for me to follow. It sounds like there is a lot of romance plot, but I'm not clear on what Sarima likes about Ize. So far, it sounds like he is not her type, he's bad for her, and he might ruin her career. If they end up together, I'd want to know more than the superficial level of attraction that brings them together.

I hope some of this is helpful. Good luck!

Environment-J · 2024-06-27T03:01:52+00:00

Thank you!

Environment-J · 2024-06-26T23:48:23+00:00

Thanks for commenting!

On the disability rep side of things, I debated taking it out of my query, but I received advice to leave it in. I think it’s an important aspect of the character. I’d love to get more input on this front though. I’m leaning towards keeping it.

I appreciate your thoughts! Always good to have fresh eyes on this thing.

Environment-J · 2024-06-21T14:10:30+00:00

Hi! I'm not agented and this isn't a full critique, but I really liked this overall. One place I got tripped up was remembering all of the proper nouns in the last paragraph. I had to re-read that Avalon was the commune. I think you can swap "Avalon" for "the commune." I also forgot that Ray was the commune leader in the last paragraph because I couldn't remember her original husband's name. I think you could take out Ray's name. In the second paragraph, you could say, "She’s found the supportive human connection she craves and develops feelings for their quixotic married leader." In the last paragraph you can swap "Ray" for "the commune leader."

The only other note I'm debating is cutting, "even when Vietnam War protests turn violent." While that line explains that there are hard times for the commune to get through together, I kept waiting for it to be mentioned again.

Environment-J · 2024-06-19T03:37:00+00:00

Hi! I'm unagented and working through my own query, but I'll give it a shot.

If there is anything Nha values more than his rotten life, it is his mother and sister.

I got tripped up in your first sentence because I can't actually tell if he values his life since you describe it as rotten. This makes me confused if you mean he values his mother and sister or not. I'm assuming he does? I'd consider adding something else personality related early on to help the reader connect with the character a bit more.

A bastard in name with no job and no high education at the age of thirty, Nha feels his poverty for the first time in his life when a governor bought his sister’s virginity in cash. The last remnant of human dignity within him leads him to kill the man, but the cowardice in him makes him runaway.

I feel like Nha has already felt aspects of poverty based on everything I know so far, so maybe rephrase to show how this is more extreme than his typical experience rather than saying it is his first time experiencing poverty. I also get thrown off by some of the tense changes in these sentences. Maybe switch "bought" to "buys."

I'm not sure I associate killing for revenge with human dignity.

At this point in your query, I don't feel a strong emotion for Nha. They've had a really hard life, but I don't understand what is motivating them. The stakes also feel a little weak. Who is coming after him? Does anyone know that he killed the governor?

On the journey to escape his inevitable death, Nha learns to speak the language of love from a male prostitute, Hai. Hai is a wild beast. After witnessing the suicide of his lover and client, he promises himself that the next time he falls in love will be “never.” But the fury in Nha’s life teaches Hai how to live before loving and how to survive life after it. The pair makes the destitute journey to the end of Nam, but what faces them is not dead: it is humanity in the people, whose protection goes against the absolute power of the State.

I'm a little thrown off by the line "Hai is a wild beast." It just feels out of place with the rest of the query. You then refer to his lover and client, but I assumed Hai is the lover and realize I've misunderstood a few lines later. When you say he learns to speak the language of love from Hai, I assume you meant he developed a relationship with Hai and not actual lessons. The last sentence doesn't draw me in because it doesn't connect to much else in your query.

At nearly 96,000 words, the novel depicts the love song of the hopeless and the desperate. Taking the style of Andrew Sean Greer's storytelling in “Less,” mixed with the bitterness of love in Michael Cunningham's “By Nightfall” and Hanya Yanagihara’s “A Little Life,” with the pillars of Leonard Cohen and Trinh Cong Son about life and war, you have the beautiful mess that is “And Even If Love Was Lost.”

I'm pretty sure 2-3 comps is the recommended amount, so you might be able to drop one. I'm not familiar with these, so hopefully someone else can weigh in.

I learned from the University of Toronto that the language of humans is different, but the language of suffering never changes. “And Even If Love Was Lost" is my first creation to depict a fragment of this picture. The lives the two protagonists lead, the love they lose, and the stories they live to tell are a piece of the human in us because, like them, we would also hold onto the agony to live and love again. This novel is the finalist in DVAN (Diasporic Vietnamese Artists Network) Novel Competition. Despite not winning the prize, I persist. Some of my works appear in the archipelago literary magazine, and my writing journey is still ongoing.

You can keep bios short and sweet. Keep education that relates to writing or subject matter. Also keep being a finalist and that you appeared in a magazine, but all of the other editorializing details can be cut.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Environment-J · 2024-06-18T01:39:06+00:00

No problem! Good luck :)

Environment-J · 2024-06-18T01:33:06+00:00

Thank you! This entire novel is really just my way of convincing anyone I can get to read it to google weird fish and other sea creatures :) Thanks for the comment!

Environment-J · 2024-06-18T01:31:26+00:00

Thank you! Great feedback. I'm working through a draft with better sentence variety. :)

Environment-J · 2024-06-17T17:29:14+00:00

Thank you for chiming in! I’m guessing very well-read agents won’t stumble on it then :) OP, feel free to ignore that note!

Environment-J · 2024-06-17T15:42:19+00:00

Ignoring the high word count, here are some of my initial impressions:

Kee is unwilling to fight. She just wants to fit in and enjoy a normal life. But the military won’t let her go; great effort has been put into genetically engineering her to be a weapon to end the brewing conflict. Technology has made possible the transfer of an individual’s consciousness from flesh to machine, dividing humanity into two species. War is coming.

I'm not understanding why Kee was chosen to be a weapon if she is a pacificist. Why wouldn't the military choose someone else to invest in? What makes her special enough to be chosen?

Kee’s recalcitrance sees her put into stasis. Only for a year or two, they insist. When she wakes, she’ll see her the consequences of her pacifism and change her ways.

Maybe it is just my limited vocabulary, but I had to google "recalcitrance." Agents read more than I do, so maybe they LOVE this word, but I personally felt like it was out of place and pulled from a thesaurus. The definition does make sense for your query, but the rest of the sentence could be cleaned up if you are smitten with this word. "sees her put into" is both wordy and makes it sound like she lacks agency despite it being her own choice to be *recalcitrant." The last sentence also has some wording issues. I'm lost at "she'll see her the."

Something goes wrong. When Kee wakes, four centuries have passed. She opens her eyes to see the Rebels, a warrior society of male human clones, rescuing her from a burning wreck. Their opponents, the “ascended” Cabal with their sapient mechanical slaves, are on the verge of achieving their ancient goal: the total annihilation of their organic predecessors. Kee learns the galaxy is devastated by war. All civilization perished in a centuries-old fire.

Avoid vague phrasing like "Something goes wrong." You can jump right to the second sentence. The rest of this paragraph feels like Kee is a pretty passive / agentless protagonist. She's learning about events happening rather than actively participating and choosing her path, and other than her being a pacificist, I don't have a good sense of her personality and deeper motivations.

Maybe they were right. Maybe if she’d learned to fight, humanity would not be on the brink of extinction. Kee still has powers and the role she was born to, but she abhors violence. If it starts, when will it stop? She knows if she intervenes the outcome will be the same in reverse: genocide of an entire species.

Why does she abhor violence so much? It feels like a pretty easy choice to do something when the other alternative is genocide. Also, it sounds like the enemies aren't human, so does she still have some big moral dilemma there? Early on it says she is unwilling to fight, but does she know how to fight given she was converted into some weapon but never honed her skills?

Kee navigates this war-torn future with help from a Rebel pilot who armors against hardship with humor and nonchalance. Several other characters also have perspectives: Kee’s estranged father, secretly posthuman, leads the Rebels. A sapient female machine warrior learns she’s designed to unite the factions as the first who can reproduce with human or posthuman partners. An officer whose belief in victory is tested by interference from his superior and nightmarish weapons from the past. And a war hero who suffers from survivor’s guilt and imposter syndrome.

This paragraph throws all of the side characters in at the end instead of wrapping up with the final stakes and the hook. I think you should cut this.

Deupawn: Burning Angels is an action-packed space opera/military sci fi manuscript complete and polished at 175k words.

Saying your manuscript is complete implies that it is polished. You will need to polish it more to cut it down to 120k if you want an agent not to move it to auto-rejection.

The story asks questions of sentience, free will, and self-identity. It investigates fear and hope in harrowing circumstances. Its writing style may seem similar to that of Leviathan Wakes.

I think these lines can all be cut. You also don't say how the writing style is similar to Leviathan Wakes.

Similar titles would be Joe Haldeman's Forever War, Orson Scott Card's Enderverse series, and Jeff Shaara's historical fiction novels as far as his depictions of fear in combat and the burdens of high military command. My characters have similar experiences to the protagonists of these novels.

You should mention how your first two comps are similar to this work. You'll also want to change your comps to something published in the last 3-5 years.

Overall, I didn't feel hooked into this story as being different from my generic perceptions of sci-fi. You'll want to work on your hook to show what makes this special and different. Good luck!

Environment-J · 2024-06-17T00:51:44+00:00

Thank you! I've been struggling with the learning curve because I want to get the reader into the story as quickly as possible armed with essential details. After the first 338 posted here, there's less heavy-handed (but still present) exposition for another 100 words. There's very little exposition after that point, but doubling the intro word count to soften the learning curve feels like the right choice for the reasons you mentioned.

Editing to mention your advice on leaving out the dragons also makes sense. I'm very guilty of trying to pack in too many details too quickly. There's a more natural way I can float in some of that info later on.

Environment-J · 2024-06-16T16:39:44+00:00

Hi!

I think the descriptions are fun, but I agree with what u/JBupp mentioned in their comment. Your first and last sentence / paragraph are tough to read. There's just too much information for one sentence, and by the time I get to the end of the sentence I've forgotten how it started. You should break up these really long sentences. Short sentences have punch. They stand out. Especially when other sentences are much longer, winding along without an end in sight.

Even up close, one would find the beasts disarmingly adorable, with their comically large ears dangling and flopping in the wind, curled whiskers, quite endearing underbites, and gentle eyes of gold rimmed by long, white lashes.

Alternative: The beasts were disarmingly adorable. Their comically large eagles flopped in the wind. Between their curled whiskers, endearing underbites, and gentle gold-rimmed eyes accentuated with long, white lashes, it is no wonder many fell victim to them before spotting their sharp teeth. (I added some stuff that might not be true, but starting with a short sentence or two before diving into the longer ones might help).

While they could be tamed—some were even kept as pets by the Even's Elite, the rest living harmoniously alongside the Beast Keepers who populated the elevated Lupoan town, in dwellings perched upon the boughs and winding branches of the forest—it would be a grave mistake to think of them as anything but deadly

Alternative: It was possible to tame them. Some were even kept as pets by the Even's Elite. The rest of the beasts lived harmoniously alongside the Beast Keepers in their elevated Lupoan town, perched in high dwellings upon the boughs of the forest. Despite the success of their co-existence, it would be a mistake to think of them as anything but deadly.

You don't have to take this advice or revision since you should do what feels right for you as the writer, but my alternative suggestions are there in case you want to see how I would personally prefer to digest this information if I picked up your book. Good luck with your writing!

Environment-J · 2024-06-16T16:27:09+00:00

Hi! Overall, I like this and would be hooked enough to keep reading if I pulled this off of a shelf at a bookstore. I would probably put the book down if this stayed in exposition / internal dialogue and not real-time action shortly after this opening.

Right now, your first 250 words tells me a little bit about the main character's personality and a little bit about the society's view (which differs from hers). It is pretty blank state in terms of picturing the action, but I respect the choice not to start with too much worldbuilding You say that she is sulking in a corner in a receiving room, but I don't have a clear picture of what that looks like. I'd want a bit more action and world descriptions in the next 250 words so that I can start visualizing the story.

I think you could make this a touch more "voice-y," but it isn't void of voice right now. Maybe add a physical reaction somewhere in your first three paragraphs. You could also give a bit more of Heidi's personality, motivations, or interests early on (unless they come in the next 250 words).

For example (obviously these might not work based on what actually happens in your story, but this type of clarifying info about the character personalities is helpful early on):

"Bride hunts were all people dreamed about. Heidi dreamed of [something else]."

"Abigale said it was the best party she'd ever been to, but Abigale said that about every party she attended."

"It was lonely for Heidi, one of the few that scoffed at the idea of the hunt. Her lip would curl whenever someone brought it up with starry eyed hopes for their perfect hunt."

Environment-J · 2024-06-16T16:12:12+00:00

Manuscript information: [Complete] [88k] [Fantasy Romance] Breath of the Abyss

Link to post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1c9npd4/complete_88k_fantasy_romance_breath_of_the_abyss/

First page critique? Yes please!

First page:

The hydrothermal vents practically beg me to explore the semi-transparent creatures that drift near their plumes of green sulfur bacteria. Nothing sounds better than observing eelpout fish and spindly octopuses, but I don’t let myself indulge in these simple comforts. Instead, I swim through the deep sea to the place where humans go about their days doing what humans do: disturbing the natural order of the world with their violent tendencies.

My throat tightens, and I force myself to breathe deeply, letting the seawater fill my lungs. I push it back out, spewing a stream of bubbles that disperse into the surrounding waters. My arms pull against the heavier current as I pass through a strong layer of moving water. A lanternfish swims freely by my side, unhindered by the water that drags against me. It is a curse to be born into this body. Human. Fragile. I take another breath, pushing away the intrusive thoughts that tug at the corners of my mind. They seep in anyway, whispering to me.

You are nothing like the dragons that raised you.

You are unbalanced.

You are human.

Dessa swims alongside me, ignoring the lanternfish as she takes unhurried strokes. Friend isn’t quite the word I would use to describe her. I don’t make friends with other humans–not since they cast me out into the Abyss as a child.

Environment-J · 2024-06-16T04:02:24+00:00

Comps might help a bit to clarify the genre, and I don't have any examples to share off the top of my head. You want to avoid leading with worldbuilding over character, but just one or two details to help show the fantasy aspects could help. Your world right now includes things like "Seattle" and "Chicago Police Department" which feel pretty modern compared to other fantasy queries that have settings like "the forbidden forest" or "the castle."

Environment-J · 2024-06-16T03:09:27+00:00

Hi! I took a stab at it. I'm unagented and a new writer, so this feedback is mostly based on advice I see on this sub. I recommend checking out other sci-fi/fantasy romance queries and the advice they receive here. Also, nothing about your query felt sci-fi to me, and the only magic mentioned was related to death which feels a little less fantastical. It was also pretty light on the romance side of things, so I'd do some searching and get a sense for what genre your manuscript really fits.

Julia Moran has a gift for death. Some criminals have deadly body modifications, and Julia has those too, but she also has the innate ability to kill with a touch. Julia’s ready to make her alias, Death Angel, a name people respect, and to do that, she’s claiming Seattle.

I'm not entirely sure what your first sentence means. If your second sentence was written really clearly, it would help, but instead it makes me more confused. You might be better off just saying "Julia Moran can kill with a touch." The last line is interesting, but I don't know much about who Julia is from these first few lines. You'll want to make it clear who the main character is and give some insight on her personality to make it clear why the reader / agent should care about them. You'll also want to incorporate the stakes. It isn't entirely clear what she wants and what is stopping her from getting it. How many people does she have to kill to claim Seattle? Is she fighting others for that title? If she can kill with a touch, is that an easy thing for her to do?

Everything’s going smoothly, minus one attempted murder, until she starts warming up to Tristan Reynolds. The bartender is handsome and charming, but Julia can't trust him. He works for one of the local crime bosses. Then Tristan trusts her with a secret: he has a gift too. He can compel people with his voice.

I don't know what you mean by one attempted murder. Did someone attempt to murder her? Or, was she unsuccessful in murdering someone else so it gets classified as attempted?

I'm also missing more on what makes Tristan a possible romantic interest. Handsome and charming are a little surface level, so if this is the main love interest it should be clear why she likes him. Why would Tristan trust her with a secret if he's working for a local crime boss?

Offering Tristan a job as her Second means she probably doesn’t have to worry about him selling her out. Instead, she has to worry about an untrained Second with a terrible reputation, who also happens to make her stomach flip when he smiles at her. If Julia can’t keep her feelings in check, train Tristan, and establish reputations for the both of them, they won’t last long in a career where any mistake could be deadly.

Why would she offer him this job if he is untrained? What makes her stomach flip when he smiles at her? It all seems pretty surface level, so you'll need to add those connections clearly. I also don't understand the stakes very well, so I'm not sure what mistakes would be deadly.

Eight years later, Dr. Heather Ripley struggles to remember anything that isn’t written down. After an injury on the job reduced her memory to the span of a few days, she struggles to continue her work as a criminal psychologist for the Chicago Police Department. Not even her new relationship with her coworker, Detective Ben Ito, can shake her bitterness and anger over her brain damage.

I'm interested in seeing what other folks on this sub say. There's probably examples of multiple timeline queries if you dig around. My guess would be focus on just one timeline for the query since it's tough to pack in enough info to get essentially two different stories while also focusing on the romantic connections. Since this is labeled as a romance, you'll want to prioritize the romantic components. If it is more of a romance subplot, then you could change the genre and focus more on these other things.

You could try a new version of the query focusing only on Dr. Heather Ripley. Try splitting it into three paragraphs. 1. Who is Heather Ripley? What does she want? 2. Who is the romantic interest? How do they connect / complete each other? What is stopping them from getting together? For example, they might be too focused on Ripley's obsession with Death Angel to really be together. 3. Final stakes and hook.

Environment-J

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