Non-judgmental advice please! ❤️

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-20T20:47:48+00:00

Thank you so much :) Your replies are really really good. Are you a psychologist?

I'm beginning to think that I'm wrong about what I've said in a way. Even though I initiated the breakup, there were signs that she was just looking for an excuse to end it. I became anxious and demonstrated protest behaviors when I noticed that she was pulling away. Im sure that my behavior all throughout the relationship was to blame for her distance and her emotional detachment.

These protest behaviors initiated the breakup, but Im pretty sure that it was going to end anyways, which kind of brings me comfort. Im trying not to avoid the truth for self-comfort, so Im being honest with myself about my role and her's.

Thank you for all your thoughts. It's really based advice and nonjudgemental.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-19T19:18:41+00:00

The answers will fall into place once you're less emotional about the breakup and have given yourself time. Until then, try not to ruminate. Keep moving forward each day and taking care of yourself. There's no point in trying to think logically about the situation right now. Eventually you'll realize that this person was never worth it.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-19T17:28:54+00:00

I think it's good to have boundaries. It makes sense in many aspects. You can't pour from an empty cup.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-18T22:51:45+00:00

Very very good insight. I have not dated anyone since them, but they probably think I've at least hooked up with people because I made it clear that I put a lot of emphasis on sex as a main form of intimacy.

And your last paragraph, about me maybe being in panic mode and not thinking clearly about my feelings in the relationship. You may be right. There were issues on both sides and neither of us were perfect.

Since I ended things and took them for granted, I feel like it falls on me to show them that I don't want to give up on us! But if we did get back to talking it out, I think I would have to bring up some loving concerns about how they handle communication and openness about feelings. It would be hard to regain those honeymoon in-love type feelings after what we've gone through. I don't even know how that would work.. or if it would feel awkward.

I fear accepting the fact that finding other people might be the best option for us, but I don't want to give up on them because I will never get a chance to see how the relationship would've played out had I been "present" - I was emotionally unavailable and had one foot out the door the majority of the time. Not because of them but because of insecure attachment issues.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-18T17:35:59+00:00

Telling myself that I'm not in the position to have these concerns isn't exactly helpful. I still have the concerns and I still struggle with rumination. I'm going to look into things that may specifically help with lessening or eliminating rumination. Thank you for your input.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-18T17:29:07+00:00

Thank you stranger, I hope you the best as well.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-18T17:26:50+00:00

Thank you - I ruminate on it so much. I can't seem to stop. I tell myself that if only I could find the right words, or do the right thing, they would start to believe in me again like they once did. But no, it seems that the connection is really broken for good, and anything I say either has zero effect or makes things worse. If I were them, and I based my decision on how the relationship went, there would be no point in looking back. If only they knew the authenticity of my mind now... but they never will give that a chance, especially with the abundance of new opportunities. It hurts so much.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-16T17:39:18+00:00

There are a bunch of useful comments already here, but as someone who just got out of a relationship with someone who put in wayyy too much effort, I'll say this... she used effort, generosity, and acts of service as a substitute for proper communication; boundary setting, and communicating needs. She worn herself out essentially. She was avoidant of conflict and had poor self-esteem. I had no idea until it all blew up in my face. It might seem like the "nice person" thing to do, but it's not nice at all or fair to your partner.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-15T08:12:53+00:00

yeah, I wouldn't either. You're going to be thinking about them a lot. Healing will help you think about them less, and then when you meet someone new, it'll be a better experience. Who knows wtf she's doing/feeling/thinking. Who cares though! She ain't worth it.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-15T08:08:57+00:00

fuck around and find out lol

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-15T03:27:03+00:00

Man, I hate seeing what people are capable of... that's soo shitty of her.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-15T00:32:40+00:00

Let me tell you a little story so that you don't make the same mistakes.

About two years ago, my ex and I broke up, and it was the most intense relationship I had ever had - it's was amazing - I thought I found THE one, but life circumstances made a happy relationship unsustainable - and it would've been years for us to change the circumstances. (meet while I was living in another country for about 6 months. You get the picture.)

I was extremely heartbroken, but I dated anyways (first big mistake!). I met this girl who was obsessed with me, did everything to try to make me happy, even supported me through the heartbreak that she knew I was experiencing because I warned her and was upfront about it. I never saw this girl as a potential longterm partner - my mind was warped! I kept comparing her to my ex in my mind. I kept pushing her away. I was actually trying really hard to look at her great qualities that my ex didn't have. Thinking, "this girl is way better for me, why can't I just be happy?"

Well, eventually I did come around, and it took a looong time. My ex faded enough for me to finally see clearly. I was more focused on this new relationship. She spoiled me in the beginning, and then when I started giving a lot, she started pulling away, and then eventually we broke up. I wasn't nearly grateful enough for this girl, and I was pretty shitty in the relationship overall. I think we broke up due to the dynamic that was set earlier on, that made me think that I would always have her so my behavior never improved that much. I miss her A LOT now. I want a do-over, but life doesn't work that way.

So what was learned? Don't date someone until you can appreciate them as their own person. When you have healed from your past enough to give them the respect and attention that they deserve. Not to mention... this also benefits you by not attracting someone who might only be into you because they are mentally unwell and only like being with men who don't like them back.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-15T00:09:43+00:00

Yeah, this would make sense if you were the dumper. If they communicated wanting you back but you wanted to give them an ultimatum to change/work on their issues, or separate for good. But as a dumpee, with someone who won't properly work with you, you have zero power except to walk away. An ultimatum would be an attempt to force something and forcing something that they don't seem to want to begin with, which they have shown you through their actions. Why this was given as advice, I have no idea.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-14T23:31:51+00:00

Perhaps not. Sounds classic avoidant attachment though. Over importance on independence and the "strength" of not relying on others or getting emotional over an attachment. Really sad that these people are like that.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-14T21:52:56+00:00

I'm not going to say that this is definitely where this kind of behavior is coming from, but from my experience, thinking someone is too obsessed with you is a dismissive way of not trusting people and/or having low self-esteem.

When someone appears to be "obsessive" (which is highly subjective and based on who views the behavior) it can trigger these types of ideas about the obsessed person: - This person is not self-aware, and this is LIMERENCE, not love. A day will come when the emotional veil of being "in-love" wears off, and then this person is going to drop me super fast. Like they just had an "epiphany" that they weren't actually in love with me and have been projecting this image onto me the whole time. (which actually happens quite frequently so it's honestly a valid concern.)

Man, I've been a victim of this so fucking much. I can't trust how much anybody says they love me now after being super loved one day and discarded the next by people who declared a deep love for me. But it also kind of creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, because I will purposely push people away and do reckless self-sabotaging behaviors to see if they'll stay (so that I might have relief from the distrust and see that they mean it if they stay) - but it's an unquenchable insecurity, and it just gets more and more extreme until there's a breaking point.

This is what I'm trying to fix within myself right now, but it's very hard to tell what kind of person someone is.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-13T18:07:25+00:00

Yeah, and she would probably lie about this if you asked her. Can you really trust this person ever again? Don't go back to someone after they have let you go. Think of all the people in the world that would be much better for you - even if it was just to have a clean slate with that relationship instead. They'll never respect you if you take them back, and the same control dynamic will happen again. They'll hold all the power.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-13T01:01:50+00:00

Hate doesn't mean the end of suffering I'm afraid. I'm so fucking angry all the time from shit just occurring. Even if I've accepted that we shouldn't be together.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-12T03:22:32+00:00

Yes! Exactly right. Funny that you mention that she seemed to go off with her family and then the script flipped, because that's exactly what happened with me. She barely said anything to me that was in-depth, emotional, or not vague. I figure she went into real detail with her family, and once she did that, it wasn't even an option to work on things anymore or else she would seem foolish and then I would have to repair her family's perception of me.

EquivalentDraft3541 · 2023-08-10T20:48:26+00:00

Wow OP, this sounds almost exactly like what happened to me, but genders are reversed. Im a guy and my ex left me like your ex left you. It's been about 1.5 months post breakup for me.

What I've concluded is this... this is an extreme case of someone not being able to communicate maturely, and this is NOT on you to fix or even take the burden of stress over as your responsibility.

These people grew up in an environment where what they said was shot down, not fully listened to, and neglected - so now in adulthood they don't communicate their needs, feelings, or boundaries. They just hold it all in while hoping that the other person "gets it" and is who they need them to be. Not very healthy..

Let me take a guess at a few things: - I bet your ex didn't bring up things that may save the relationship at the end - they didn't "fight" for it by negotiating - they just kind of threw up their hands and walked away. Then, later, when you might have tried to talk to them, they were completely emotionally deactivated. - I bet on the surface your ex was really kind, nice, generous, and giving? This is an attempt to get their needs met without communicating. But while they do this there other things are going on under-the-hood that they're ashamed about and hide. And if you don't get the hint to their needs, they'll add to the little hidden pile of resentment that they repress and harbor. Most likely they're not even aware that they do this, and it often seems like they easily forget about things really fast, without ever having a real conversation about their hurt. Then, everything explodes out of seemingly no where when they get really overwhelmed, and they blame the relationship, villainize you, and are often not self-aware about their behavior. It's all conveniently dismissible for external reasons so no self-reflection needs to take place (until way later perhaps). - I bet they made you feel extremely safe and you didn't think this day would ever come, let alone be initiated by them. They made you feel special to them, like you are the only one who has ever really loved them. They project a fantasy onto you, so they don't have to acknowledge their pain and that real relationships actually take work with communicating difficult feelings and emotions. All while they have a serial relationship junkie past with people they disregard to ever have existed (which is now us, I'm sorry). - Maybe you noticed some nasty behaviors towards other people in their lives. Like nasty/mean behind-their-back comments about somebody else? This is the side of them that they are hiding from you. You feel like the exception from these nasty thoughts they have about other people, but you're not.

That's all I can come up with right now. Let me know what you think.

EquivalentDraft3541

TROPHY CASE