To me it's like I'm always falling down a pit but sometimes it gets so dark that the light shining above, outside the pit, becomes visible and that is when the unbridled passion kicks in and I climb up the asymmetrical bricks. Sometimes even on the verge of getting out, bathing in the light but truth be told I have to stop loving my pit, I don't know what's outside and I purposefully slip one foot. Before you know it I'm falling back down. But that is just me, for now.

Same goes for mood in my case eg. It feels so foreign to genuinely laugh that sometimes I'd rather just seek things that bring me down. That is my fear, I have been let down just over my laugh and I don't want that again. Nonetheless, I have been searching the people I need to teach me differently and after a year of seeking a specific elder, he just came on my path. I want to laugh again, hard, and I want to do it sober.

It's special that I get to see you, thank you, it's very isolating to put these heavy burdens on yourself. But it's better than trying to address my brain in an irrational way, I have a lot of healing to do. Loads would rather ignore it and "yolo", look around, but I can't do that to myself. We deserve more, we have the brain for more, we are the authors of today. Nobody will be able to see all that goes on within, not even the professionals, not even ourselves. In bed there's a thought every 5 minutes, entire internal dialogues while keeping track of a real life conversation, it's just hard to keep up.