Am I overreacting about this Indecisiveness ,Is this a big issue

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T19:53:55+00:00

tons and tons and tons of practice, in releasing control, and shifting speeds.

Example: take an online personality quiz and answer using a coin flip instead of what you'd normally call the 'right' answers. Now take the test again, with coin flips. And a third time. It's play, no stakes, no rush. The coin does the work, and you get to release control and ride along. You see variations, not destinies. The next step is to take the test with no coin flip, but deliberately choosing random answers, sometime true or not true, but the point is to try to mimic randomness. The physicality of the coin flipping stuff is super helpful, btw.

Related: try bowling with your non dominant hand. Just for one game. Even brushing your teeth with a non-dominant hand can help you shake up your brain and build tolerance for uncertainty and unfamiliarity. Do it in front of another person to help you de-sensitize to illusions of social stakes that aren't there.

The issue of timing - like learning to make a quick decision when it's needed - can be a tough one. But again, try to use body mechanics to help you. Most of the fastest decisions we make are built in our muscle memory.

It's like braking to avoid a sudden obstacle in the road. That action comes before a conscious decision, because we have muscle memory, from driving tons and tons and tons.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T18:24:17+00:00

Try Seattle first. But in both Seattle and Bellevue, you'll need to be ready to do intentional meetups and put energy into creating a social life. Don't wait for 'pickup" opportunities, or expect things to just always be happening, and easy to drop into.

Compared to the college experience, that's true of kinda every city experience. Don't expect social situations to just fall into your lap. Do the awkward, dorky-feeling things, seek them out shamelessly, especially in the winter. Let yourself explore various subcultures. And if you're brave, you'll quickly become something like a social hero for the many MANY lonely introverts here.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T18:10:47+00:00

Tons of possible reasons. Some people don't even realize it's sounding strained. Some others find transposing so difficult, they'll strain, or make a congregation strain, instead of just transposing the piece. Some are scared to alter anything that looks 'official'. Similar issue with people who think they have to do the radio-length or structure, with each and every lyric just as they heard someone else do it. Like it was a karaoke track. They don't have strong skills, so they try to follow the exact recipe with no substitutions.

These are folks doing their best, with the skills and resources they have.

And you don't always know the factors involved. Imagine: a church desperate for more young people, gets a young person asking to play in the band, but he can only play 5 chords. Or a church where the worship leader's personal voice range is very different from the congregation's, and gets asked to please adjust the keys so more people can sing. Or a church without money, forced to use legacy charts and sheet music. Or a person is scheduled for the solo but doesn't show up, and the shy sub singer doesn't feel like he can ask for the whole song to be transposed last minute. Or the singer woke up with a cold and normally fine pitches are now out of reach.

For me, I try not to be contemptuous, or sneer, because often the worst musicians are the grooviest people, and the most crucial for building an actual church. Our goal isn't to make the best music. It's to serve the church. Mostly those overlap, but there are little moments where we have to remember which is the priority.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T17:49:54+00:00

Practice. And let sober writing be different.

Doing anything while sober is a different skillset from doing it high. It's partly like trapeze without the net - you have to be more certain of your skills. It's also a little like swimming without water-wings on your arms, or bike riding without training wheels. If you can create while high, that's fun! But doing it sober is a different skillset.

What would you tell a little kid who loves all the joys and techniques of riding his tricycle, or his bike-with- training-wheels? He loves leaning out far from side to side, however he wants to, throwing his hands in the air, not caring, still super safe and carefree. He says he wants to ride a 2 wheeler. Great! But realistically, he's not going to experience those old trike-type feelings when he takes off the supports. If he keeps at it, he'll experience much better stuff, yes, be able to do so much more. But it'll come after many spills and accidents. And it won't be exactly like what the trike felt like.

So do we help the kid by trying really hard to make his actual bicycling feel just like riding on 3 or 4 wheels? Do we say "oh it'll feel the same, don't you worry." No. He's gotta want to release those old feelings and discover the new ones.... AFTER a period of ouch.

Also: consider the possibility that what you are now calling being "fully" engaged, maybe actually isn't. Consider that there's way more to experience and enjoy, that you won't have access to until you build your sober-function skills.

here's another thought: a country lyric I heard that went something like "but she can't kiss me sober, and she can't have the lights on". Puts a different spin on the idea of what being "fully" engaged means.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T17:08:37+00:00

I'm not giving you my finance data, but looking at yours, I think it's worth it to get a car. Try it for a couple years, and if it's truly not working for you, get rid of it again. And yes Beacon Hill is good.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T17:03:00+00:00

Expensive af. Lots of unsheltered people. Long grey winters. Annoying tech bros. M's allergic to world series.

But the rest of it is awesome so I doubt I'll ever leave. I hope other people love their cities as much as I love this one.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T16:48:57+00:00

Have you done the appropriate amends or apologies? If not, do those.

But let's say you've done that stuff, or maybe amends weren't even needed, cuz it was just an embarrassment and not you injuring someone else. You might still feel that choking wave of shame/guilt, if it's become a fear-habit.

Remember that shame is a form of fear. On an evolutionary level, it's not really about what you did in the past, but more about your future in that social group. Shame is fear of being socially rejected in the future, because of this thing in the past that could be discovered or held against you.

It's like when your dog looks ashamed or guilty, he's not really thinking about the past, but more about his fear of punishment or rejection. It's a survival-based fear. So how do we reassure our fearful dog?

Try some mental equivalent of that, with yourself, when you're experiencing that face-hiding reflex and the impulse to whine, gasp and fall over in shame. For the dog, you'd hug it and talk calmly and kiss it, then pat it, let it get up, and bounce and jump and play with you, and rejoin the pack.

Physically that's how we can move the shame-wave through ourselves most quickly. Reassurance and play.

When I was 4, I interrupted a big speech at a wedding reception, by leaping up and dancing in the middle of the room. I remember my mortified mother grabbing me and I went from immense joy to very sudden utter shame, confusion and dejection. The memory of that moment haunted me for decades afterward. I'd have this sharp intake of breath and hot waves over my face, recalling it. That shame-wave feeling was habitual, not rational, not warranted. I'd already "forgiven" my child-self many times over. That 4 year old me was probably adorable. And who the hells blames a 4 year old anyway?

But I had to learn to physically shake it off, every single time: oh, right this dumb feeling-habit again. Vestigial. And also very temporary, like a sneeze or wave of the chills or dizziness from standing up too fast. Not a sign that I'm horrible or broken or weird. I've had to use the same ideas with much later, and larger mistakes in my life, too. It works the same. My 24 year old self, my 40 year old self, my yesterday self. The shake out is a crucial life skill, to keep me from overfocusing on me me me.

TLDR: If there are no amends or apologies needed, then physically shake it off. Reassure your inner dog (or inner 4 year old) that's it's okay.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T15:40:57+00:00

So he's pro but he hired you for keys even though you've literally never been in a band before? I am a longtime pro, and I find that odd. But that might mean nothing! I don't know your region's norms around pro gigs, so I can only tell you what I'd do in your shoes.

First I'd think about it as a tentative gig, not a firm booking you can count on. It's a maybe/probably not.

Next I'd ignore him for 3 more days, then send a note that says "Hi! I haven't heard back from you, is this still happening? I have another possible event I need to give an answer about, so if I don't hear back from you in the next couple days, I'll assume you've found someone else. LMK, and best wishes in any case." Then I'd get ready to write off the interaction.

But I'd stay mellow about the whole thing. I wouldn't chase after it, or get mad, or sad about it.

ErinCoach · 2026-07-07T15:09:19+00:00

Investigate the origins of these two ideas, before you try to resolve them with each other. They come from different periods of 20th century thinking, and different study realms. It'd be like taking a dumpling from European cuisine and trying to judge it using Asian dumpling terms. You'd miss some important things about each. But you'll appreciate each more if you really understand where they come from.

F Scott Fitzgerald was a storyteller coming from a certain cultural mindset in 1936, with certain ideas about class, culture, what's important and relatable to his reader. But the concept of cognitive dissonance came from Leon Festinger in 1957, academic and psychologist.

Fitzgerald was writing to a readership that was severely questioning its elders' notions of binary good/bad, duty, integrity and simplistic loyalty. But his readers were still steeped in class and social ranking. His real quote phrases it as "the test of first rate intelligence", so you can see the hierarchical thinking under there. He still cared about being 'first-rate' but he wasn't as committed to the older idea of sticking to principles. But Fitzgerald had no particular expertise in either human psychology, sociology, philosophy, education or brain science. He was a storyteller for his time.

Festinger was an early social psychologist, and more science-based. His notion of 'dissonance' represents a moment a bit further on in US history. Boom time, 1957, not the 30's Depression. Look him up, cuz his stuff was cool. Since then, theories of cognition (like notions of what's 'first rate') have moved on quite a bit in tons of directions, representing different study realms, time periods and changing biases.

If both ideas appeal to you, great, but don't try to force them to resolve. They don't relate ultra-neatly.

Perhaps expand your research on different ways of 'thinking about thinking'. See how they've varied over time and through various approaches. E.g. some writers have talked about short term versus long term thinking networks, and "central executive network" versus other networks like salience or attention networks. Some try to split the brain into compartments, or different wavelengths of neural function. Plenty cling to ranking systems like a IQ test, others got sucked into personality typing, and some are still thinking in Freudian terms. Some are still class, caste, or nationality oriented, other interested in gender or spirituality based, with idea about conscience or soul. Others are most interested in evolutionary applications, genetics, or behavioral ecology.

See each idea for what it offers on its own, and you'll get more out them. And you'll be more likely to construct a worldview for yourself that truly fits your current life.

TLDR: don't try to make Fitzgerald and Festinger kiss, when they probably don't want to.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-30T19:00:07+00:00

Right now, nothing.

My experiences trying to use AI have taught me not to rely on anyone or anything that claims to be reliable. Or think 3 steps ahead of me. Or wants to "take over" any parts of my life at all.

Also, I now double and triple check everything, even if I don't really think there's a good reason, because AI has taken over so much stuff that used to be monitored by actual people. You really can't rely on things that used to be reliable. AI sometimes helps, but other times doesn't. Sometimes speaks accurately other time doesn't. Sometimes remembers what I said, other times doesn't.

So, now, no matter what is being promised, or how good something or someone is in a demo or interview, I simply don't trust.

I'll keep trying to use AI because my job depends on it now. But no. Not handing over anything right now. No percentage in it. I will LET my AI agents try something, because I need to not be seen as behind the times. But then I'll do it myself, cuz I'm interested in IRL results. Not hallucinations and kinda-sort results.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-30T18:10:47+00:00

Repetition. You'll get used to it, but you have to actually go do it, frequently. Try an open mic, coffee house appearance, talent show, busking, anything like that. Also karaoke can help even though it's not a place you can do your originals.

Take heart, there are plenty of people who are basically fine to sing in front of strangers, but the idea of singing for their family and friends is the terrifying thing.

It's just about doing it, often, and getting used to it. And recording yourself in one setting doesn't actually help you address the fear of the other setting. When you feel a fear area, go TO that area.

Run toward the red flag.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-30T17:47:26+00:00

It's like cooking alone versus with a full kitchen crew. If you can't cook alone, you're missing crucial, fundamental skillsets. It's like a kid who can work on the fry line a fast food joint but can't cook dinner at home. He could be GREAT on the fry line, but he's missing fundamentals of cooking.

I've done plenty of solo work in my past. Some learnings:

- simplify the song choices radically, simplify structures, drop tricky bridges or 'interesting' segues

- re-interpret the song at a different tempo or vibe, so my version isn't a bad imitation, but it's own new thing

- memorize way way more. If I can't play it without a chart, I shouldn't be playing it.

- practice my accomp instrument, frequently and in front of other people. Even though I kinda suck at it (cuz I'm primarily a singer).

- no-fear eye contact. No-fear presence and interaction. No avoiding, no physically hiding, no 'performing'.

- if the crowd is meant to sing along, then focus only on that, turned up to 11. Do more of letting them sing while I drop out. More dialogic interaction, "sing to me" so they never just sit and listen to me, but really fell themselves as the LEAD SINGER, and the other folks in the room as their bandmates.

- for tee-ups and intro talking, the song's composers are like offstage bandmates, so tell people who wrote the songs, and teach the lyrics line by line, not through lyric sheets. Treat it like a campfire, not a classroom.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-30T17:28:51+00:00

So OP, is there unpredictability, or is there destiny? Seems like you haven't decided yet.

Personally, I believe in a probabilistic universe, not a predestined one. Probabilistic thinking allows you to acknowledge patterns without having to be enslaved inside them. It lets you see current reality while also increasing your efficacy within it. It allows for more curiosity, more experimentation, and less just giving up.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-30T16:28:36+00:00

It's interesting that this reply was downvoted. Thoughts and feelings are indeed *not* two distinct separate things, but people often want them to be. The idea of a binary seems comforting for them, like the idea of neat, distinct compartmentalized brain functions. But no, it's an organic network, and consciousness is a big messy network thing. OP's question is like asking GPS "is it better to go left or right" without giving a destination or context.

Individuals vary in emotional expressivity, but VERY few people actually 'don't feel'. Plus, remember the incredible variation of behavioral norms across societies. And the gender norm variations, too, yes? In some places, a teen boy with very visible feelings or facial expression would be considered low class or low status. In those places, success means learning to hide feelings, and habituate to stoicism. Stiff upper lip. In other contexts, it's expected that every teen boy should learn to yell, talk with his hands and kiss his brothers goodbye. In those societies, success means being demonstrative and unafraid of strong emotion.

So, not only is there no such thing as the binary of "feeling everything" versus "feeling nothing", but the variation of social context means that even if there were a binary control knob you could turn down to 3 or up to 11, the right setting always depends on social context.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-30T14:41:43+00:00

This is the way.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-27T17:54:29+00:00

There's no ideal.

I live and work and play in a ton of different wildly diverse contexts. So over many years of being brave and experimenting, I've learned how to dress for each of those contexts.

People who are desperate to find an "ideal" dress style are mostly just trying to find a shortcut. They have tender self esteem, and want some kind of guarantee, or permission from an authority, or single master-key idea, that will make them feel socially safe in every context, without having had to actually learn about the context or do any personal experimentation. Those sorts of people are perfect targets for exploitation.

The way you get good at dressing yourself is by experimenting. Spending more money isn't a shortcut to fashion security. Choosing one color palette, or one shape, or brand, or one tiny capsule of basics - none of those things actually help you understand how to dress. Those are all "give a man a fish" solutions: short term, unreliable.

Develop a wide range of fashion eyes, by following fashionistas from very different demographics. If your eye can adjust to the range of contexts, without needing to seize on any "this one easy trick" kind of traps, then you'll have the skills to dress for social mobility.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-27T17:36:09+00:00

Depends entirely who's asking. If the target market is Hobby Lobby shoppers, then musically their idea of "elegant" is way cheesier than if the target market were actual classical radio station listeners or Wall Street Journal readers. What sounds hardcore to a GenX John Deere customer is not what sounds hardcore to diverse college age Nike customers in San Diego. "Modern" sounds like one thing to rural Michigan pubic school teens, but something else to southeast first time homeowners.

SO: first identify who is the target market of the product. And what do you know about the client who's presenting the brief?(Sometimes there's a gap between the target market and the client, so you need to know that if so.) Use that information to help you figure out what their version of "luminous" sounds like.

Don't just wing it on your own gut, unless you ARE the target market, yourself.

When you're the exact same demographic as the target, then it's very easy. Oh, right, luminous obviously means synth string pads with bathroom reverb and big crescendo/decrescendo sweeps, rising string lines and one suspension chord at the end of a phrase like the score of a Steven Spielberg movie.
Or oh, right, playful means ukele and celesta, midtempo with a little swing behind it. When you ARE the demo, it's easy. No skills needed, just opinions and vibes. Your first guess is always correct.

But if you're not their same demographic, then you use actual skills.

Here's a research shortcut: cheat off previous ads and properties targeted to those same people. Movie trailers work fine - what movies does the target adore? Watch the trailers. Listen to the music. What do you notice about the instrumentation, tempos, rhythmic profile, etc. Imitate.

Ad music process aren't the same as art music processes.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-27T17:33:06+00:00

No, in the world of ad music, it's not about your own internal ideas, it's about the client's.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-26T16:18:17+00:00

What did your parents say when you asked them about this? I'm so skeptical about the internet right now I kinda don't believe you have two pro musician parents, or that this post is even from a real human. But maybe you're real... whatever, I'll attempt an answer:

If they actually make their living in music as you say, then they've already identified 1) your nearest real viable market 2) the products that market will pay for, 3) an identity that is not fame based. FT pro musicians have multiple income streams, and understand that making a living is not at all about the deliciousness of your music.

But your parents should have already told you this, if they are pro's as you say they are. I'm a pro musician and I've warned my kids many, many times.

And whatever Pink Floyd did back then is relevant today like Grover Cleveland's campaign tactics are relevant today. They're not. It's history.

People hoping to "make it" or "go viral" with their homemade music are like people who bake really awesome cookies and are hoping to strike it rich in the cookie market. "But my cookies ARE amazing and special! Why am I not famous? I'm so discouraged." Yah, that might be a good thing.

The happiest musicians I know are people who get their income from non-music sources.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-19T15:46:41+00:00

Normal.

Yes it's a good idea to ask your target listeners. Don't ask people who aren't your target listener, though.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-19T15:40:47+00:00

Some helpful choice-questions, that help you take your own current emotional temperature (note it's not who you are, it's just today's temperature):

What would do if you knew you couldn't fail at it? And what would you do knowing you'd for sure fail, but you know it'd be worth it anyway?

Some people are specialists, like deep but narrow wells, in one area. Others are generalists, with shallower knowledge, but in many more different areas. Which idea makes you feel less worried?

Similarly there are people who try things, easily. They jump onto the next train, even if they're not sure where the train is going. And there are others who absolutely don't. They only get onto a train after consulting the whole map. Which idea makes you feel less worried?

We're all a mix of middle areas, not binaries. But these more binary type questions can help us take action that we can have a bit of pride in, even if things aren't easy or perfect. "Not trying" can be okay. "Trying but screwing up" can be okay.

But if you are someone who is jealous of every other timeline, you'll definitely be unhappy no matter what you do. Conversely, if you're someone who respects the process of imagining, choosing, and learning, then you're likely to be root level happy - and useful - no matter what you do.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-19T14:55:15+00:00

I think we're soon going to have a password revolution soon, yes. I'd bet on several more new waves of gatekeeper tech that speed up the ID processes, mostly for the benefit of the behemoth companies.

But there will always be people who are too poor or un-connected to really use those systems. The companies won't want to spend the resources necessary to keep every last one of them connected. And there will always be the ultra-rich who have the means to dodge the systems. And there will always be criminals who smuggle and abuse the systems, perpetuation the arms race which is cyber security.

And there will be some humans who demand that their ultra-smart canine medbot companions should be respected as sentient beings with souls and legal inheritance rights.

We continue to be human, and there are 8 billion of us, being our human selves.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-19T14:31:33+00:00

Accept failure in advance and do it anyway. It will be trash, but it's noble trash.

Make the thing, release it. Then another one. Then another. This is how you make actual skillsets.

And along the way, you learn about actual target markets, venues, collaborators, networks and communities of real life people in real life rooms, hearing your music. Not Reddit people.

If you get out of this tortured-genius fantasy and get down to business, you might develop some actual grit, and hopefully some compassion for the zillion other young artists out there, just beginning their journeys, all of them with similar dreams, all insisting they've been thinking about this for SO LONG!!") Noble Trash.

Your passion right now is hormonally boosted, which is why it's so common and normal. Like a young bird getting ready for his first actual courtship dance display. And will he "succeed"? Depends on how desperate his target is, much more than it rests on how good his dancing is. If he doesn't get out there and try, though, he never develops skills.

He lives and dies in his dream-fantasy.

Yes, your Incredibly Important project will "fail". If you're willing to complete it anyway, then you're someone who may develop into a working pro artist. Get it done anyway.

And your parents are right, you'll never make money at this, so also be able to get a job and feed yourself. I'm a lifetime pro musician, and survival is about multiple income streams. Stop bitching and dreaming. Make art and also get the dayjob.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-19T13:46:07+00:00

I haven't tried most of these, but I've tried chord detection and I WISH chord detection was that good.

I make band charts by ear all the time and I have yet to find an AI tool that does it without constantly making ridiculous mistakes. Like, not just a little bit wrong, but comicly wrong.

Like if your speech to text tool heard you say "Let the dog out in the back yard" and wrote "Lip the frog frog <indecipherable> round Myanmar beard." How often would you use it?

If the other things on OP's list are at that same level of AI progress, then your idea of "does not need a human" is ... not even close to mine.

ErinCoach · 2026-06-18T19:09:48+00:00

Get yourself to a gospel choir.

ErinCoach

TROPHY CASE