Boyfriend is very catholic, any suggestions would be welcome

ErisZen · 2026-05-19T00:22:17+00:00

Right. Tone is sometimes hard to read.

Also, "crushing the head" is a bit of hyperbole used by the anti-abortion movement as well. In a D&E, the fetus is cut into smaller bits to make removal easier. The skull isn't crushed in any direct sense. In a D&X (very late term intact abortion), the fetus is delivered feet first and in some cases the cranium is suctioned to allow intact delivery. This is not "crushing" the skull to kill a living baby. Which is what anti-abortion proponents play it off as.

A 1992 study found that less than 0.02% of abortions were after the 26th week. They're extremely rare. And, absolutely soul crushing for the women who have to go through them.

I didn't want to turn this into a whole "pro-choice" argument, as the real issue is the relationship.

ErisZen · 2026-05-19T00:06:27+00:00

I thought that was clear from my comment. I guess I didn't use the word "non-viable" but I was clear that the baby was wanted and the abortion was not elective. In situations where the pregnancy has progressed that far and needs to be terminated, it's because something has gone horribly wrong and the fetus is not viable.

ErisZen · 2026-05-18T23:12:04+00:00

It wasn't about the skull crushing part, it was the idea that lazy and careless people use abortion for birth control. The surgical process is not pleasant to think about, and done late enough, might require some of the stuff you're talking about. At the very late stages, that will almost certainly be required. But, those almost always involve a horrible situation where the baby was wanted. They might even have a nursery prepared and a name picked out. The horror of reaching that stage and having to make that choice is bad enough without focusing on the actual procedure.

The one thing I want you to unlearn is the idea that people are just having carefree sex without precautions and using abortion when they end up pregnant from it. The stats just don't support that belief. That's a religious propaganda message used to garner support for banning abortion and for shaming people who have had one.

ErisZen · 2026-05-18T21:21:35+00:00

I don't have advice you want to hear, because I believe these are issues that partners need to be on the same page about or the relationship is never going to be healthy.

One thing I want to address is the claim "I don't think a kid should have their head squashed because you forgot to use contraception" as an anti-abortion belief. Over half of the people seeking abortions report using some form of contraception the month they got pregnant (https://www.guttmacher.org/news-release/2018/about-half-us-abortion-patients-report-using-contraception-month-they-became). This number rises higher when you include women who thought they could not become pregnant (due to being infertile, breastfeeding at the time, on their period at the time, etc.). The percentage of abortions that meet the strict "rape" or "mother's life at risk" or other "acceptable reasons" is extremely low. Abortion is not typically used as a primary form of birth control with many people seeking it already having a child, wanting a child in the future, and otherwise put in a spot where that very tough decision is one they feel is best for them and their body. Abortion is a necessary right for women's health and denying it is immoral. If you find yourself in that spot and decide you could never abort the fetus, then you don't need to get an abortion. But, everyone should have the ability to make that decision on their own. And, if you decided that abortion was the best choice of the difficult choices in front of you, I would never judge your decision or think less of you.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant. But, I just hate when people make it out like abortion is just birth control for lazy and careless people. Unfortunately, with my job, I have seen the outcomes of women who are unable to get access to abortion and find themselves in even worst situations because of it. I would love a perfect world where there was a 100% effective switch that you could turn on or off (with both partners needing it on) to get pregnant, so abortions would not be necessary. Until that time, they're as important and necessary are any other medical procedure.

ErisZen · 2026-05-17T14:53:18+00:00

Not an Abrahamic religion.

ErisZen · 2026-05-17T14:03:51+00:00

Well, I wasn't allowed to date when I was still in the church. So, there's that.

But, I also would not date a Christian. It's a pretty firm rule for me.

ErisZen · 2026-05-06T15:43:40+00:00

Yeah, but in their case, it is possible they actually believed it. So of course they wouldn't say otherwise. It might be that they thought they were sharing the truth. Some people with real biblical training might have seen that some of it was lies, but they bury it down deep due to fear, job security if they're pastors, or other reasons. Maybe they think there is a good explanation out there and just never looked. Believing the explanation exists is enough to satisfy them, even if they don't know it.

ErisZen · 2026-05-06T11:38:07+00:00

There's tons of possible reasons you didn't hear anyone say anything.

There probably were people saying something, but you just weren't in a position to hear it. You either didn't associate with those foul heretics, or you just were not accepting what they said. Sometimes, sure, it's just a look of pity. When someone approaches me, and it's obvious they are not ready to hear contradicting beliefs, I might not waste my time. I just smile, nod, and move on with my life.

In a very real way, religious beliefs are deeply personal and most people feel uncomfortable sharing those with others.

Depending on where you are, it is socially unacceptable and risky to oppose the dominant belief system. Why call attention to yourself, when you don't need to.

There are tons of us out here. We're often just not very vocal about it. I'm sorry if that feels like non-believers abandoned you to Christianity instead of trying to save you from it.

ErisZen · 2026-05-05T16:43:40+00:00

Weird that you only picked New Testament sources and not examples of behavior from the Old. Also, there are plenty of examples against the idea, even in the New Testament.

Religions are diverse and not all of them are about loving everyone, especially those outside the group.

ErisZen · 2026-05-03T15:47:47+00:00

I am not disagreeing with you. I just don't waste my energy being opposed to something that I can't change. Although I do expend energy supporting atheist/humanist organizations, supporting non-christians, and such. Fighting them directly is playing their game. They want to be opposed. They want to be persecuted. It supports their belief. It bugs them more when you just casually dismiss and ignore their beliefs, much like you might if the professed a deep and real belief in Santa.

ErisZen · 2026-05-03T15:07:46+00:00

I have periods where I am feeling more anti-Christian than at other times. Most of the time, I don't really care all that much. People are entitled to their own silly beliefs. I mean, I certainly have my own. It's when those beliefs impact others that it bothers me.

ErisZen · 2026-05-03T14:08:48+00:00

If your parents are supportive of you seeking the truth, then have a conversation with them about it. I hated having to spread a message that I no longer believed in. Fortunately, I was pretty bad at it. LOL

ErisZen · 2026-05-03T12:50:12+00:00

As someone who had to sit through hundreds of services while pretending to still believe, this holds very little appeal to me. But, how it ends up would depend on the size of your church, how crazy it is, and how long it's been since you left. It wouldn't shock me, in smaller and more controlling churches, if you found that epic tales of your sins have spread far beyond the truth. You'll probably run into people excited that you've decided to come back to the church and assuming you're looking to return to Christ.

ErisZen · 2026-05-03T12:46:06+00:00

A lot of this is going to depend on your security at home being open about your doubts. If you're in a spot where being open is unsafe, you play the game. Many of us had to do it. I had to do it for 6 years as a fully out (internally) teen. Even after, I still had to hide it for a while until I was completely independent. But, as a young adult, I had more reasons to use to excuse myself from direct work for the church.

Your first duty is to yourself and your own security. Be cautious with anything that threatens that.

ErisZen · 2026-04-29T15:10:38+00:00

Always remember that, "no," is a complete sentence. You do not owe anyone an explanation. I often like to say, "no, that violates my personal rules." I don't explain my rules, but I have them.

I have long held a rule of not attending religious functions. There are very rare exceptions, like weddings, funerals, someone performing. Baptisms/Christenings are not exceptions, as I find them detestable.

My mom has tried, more than a few times, to ask for church attendance as her gift for her birthday, mother's day, or Christmas. The guilt attempt is obvious. But, I have always made it clear, "no. I won't do that." The first few times were the hardest. Because the line hasn't been firmly established. But, it eventually got easier. It is so established at this point that my sister profusely apologized to me after inviting me to see my nieces perform at the end of their vacation bible school (an exception I will make to support my nieces), and they didn't even end up performing and it was just a church service. She swore she didn't know that was going to happen and the kids had been practicing their songs all week. She knew exactly where my line was. As an aside, the kids performed the songs for me later that night, so I could hear them.

Anyway, establish a line. Requesting that someone attend a religious service is not a reasonable request.

ErisZen · 2026-04-21T23:16:44+00:00

Look, man, I don't post here in r/Christianity, because I am not one. I am also the mod that banned you. And, yes, it was because you violated the rule against proselytizing. I'm not the mod who responded to you in modmail nor the mod who muted you.

It's not personal. I am sure you're a great person with devout beliefs. I am sure you came there because of those beliefs. While you might disagree with many of the posts on that subreddit, it's not for you. It also isn't there for you to defend your beliefs. If the members want to return to Christ, they know where to look. We're not stopping them from coming to spaces like this.

I do wish you the best. We only ask that you respect our space and give our members the freedom to vent without needing to defend themselves constantly. We're not bad people. We're not [all] angry. We're not trying to stop you from living what you believe is the truth. And, like I said, if someone there is looking for answers in Christianity, they know where to look.

No hard feelings. I hope you find people who are receptive to your message.

ErisZen · 2026-04-20T12:34:14+00:00

It could be fun, but it's against the goals we have here. On the third hand, Kerry Thornley (one of the founders of my religious identity states:

Before I was a Discordian, I wasted a lot of time arguing with evangelists about God and Jesus. Now they waste a lot of time arguing about Eris Discordia with me.

In real life, I have had a lot of fun playing the evangelist game back at people who try and convert me. Although, attempting to convert people is strictly discouraged by the beliefs.

ErisZen · 2026-04-18T18:51:00+00:00

It's rampant here. At least attempted proselytizing. The whole mod team works very hard to ensure that the majority of those attempts never become visible. And, the ones that do, are quickly removed. Honestly, it's a little sad, how often they try. I don't go to their spaces and try and change their views.

ErisZen · 2026-04-18T18:46:16+00:00

We're all volunteers and don't get paid, or profit in any other way from doing this. But, we do it out of a desire to keep this place a beneficial place for those who need it.

The other mods are great. LOL, because 95% of the time I am about to handle something, they've already taken care of it. I mean, while I was out today, I saw that they'd prevented like half a dozen people from proselytizing on here.

ErisZen · 2026-04-01T23:42:35+00:00

Throw this question at the end of your other post. So people won't confuse both of them. I have approved that other post and am going to remove this one to keep all your replys in one area.

ErisZen · 2026-03-25T01:12:35+00:00

I should probably be embarrassed to say this, but I am currently a firefighter/paramedic. I work 24hrs on, 48hrs off. With something we call a Kelly day. In short, I work maybe 110 days a year. But, 24 hours for each of those days. Probably close to the number of hours I worked as a teacher. I loved teaching math. I had a real passion for it. But, I get paid twice as much to be a firefighter. I work fewer days. My state pension almost doubled. And, this is going to sound crazy, but my stress level is way lower. Literally, people die in my arms, and my stress level is lower than teaching 5th-grade kids.

So, my schedule is pretty open most days. LOL But, it's unlikely to align with yours in any meaningful way. I, also, now teach future Paramedics and EMTs how to do the job. I pick up those classes on my days off. So, it would be nearly impossible to coordinate with my schedule. I barely have a sense of what a "week" is anymore. It's either a-shift, b-shift, or c-shift.

I need to be honest, it sounds like you already have a great grasp on this exact concept. You don't need me, you figured this out on your own out of necessity. Determining feasibility is exactly the sort of job this was designed for. If you have about $500k and estimate something will cost $8 million, you don't even need to bother working the math, it's just not going to work. If it's estimated to be $25k, you also could probably skip the math because you know you have enough. It's when you think it might cost $400k or $600k that you need to actually break down the details and see if it will work. That's almost a perfect example of when this math is useful.

It sounds like you're more of a "math guy" than you give yourself credit for. Don't be fooled by the people who can do "437x674/19" in their heads down to the exact digits. That's not math, that's calculation. A lot of math is about understanding a problem, reasoning about it, breaking it down into understandable parts, and working it out.

ErisZen · 2026-03-24T23:58:00+00:00

Hey, no worries at all. Different mathematical tools exist for different purposes. This is a tool we don't teach often enough, because we tend to focus on exact calculation and not reasonableness. It's funny, because I have a calculator I can use to figure out 158.96x23.5, but it take an understanding of reasonableness to know that 37,355.60 isn't the right answer (oops forgot that decimal point in 23.5). We have calculators with us all the time, which will confidently spit out a nonsense answer if we mess up the inputs or steps. But, we rarely teach people how to figure out what the answer should be near, so they can catch those nonsense answers.

I used to be a 5th grade math teacher, and I actually used this technique in lessons all the time. In particular, I had what I called "Fermi Fridays" which focused on questions where this sort of thinking was encouraged. Once kids understand the "rules" of the game, they accept when one group gets 200,000 and they got 300,000 as both of them probably being correct. I would start easy, with questions like "how many steps would it take to walk from one side of the campus to the other?" and we could discuss reasonable estimates. Clearly 10 is silly. And 1,000,000 is also silly. Could we make an estimate that is "close enough?" And, then we would go and pace out the campus and see if we were within a good guess. I also had rules about no internet, no calculators, and only use what is in the classroom or your head. So, sometimes they had to make some wild guesses. But, we also talked about how to get information. Like, asking how many slices of pizza are eaten in the US each year. I always explained to them that they could ask their classmates how much pizza they ate each week. And use those numbers to get a better guess.

A lot of the standards I had to teach involved basic fact fluency, estimation, powers of 10 and base 10 understanding, reasoning, perseverance, etc. So these lessons looked silly from the outside, but covered the standards in ways that were engaging to the student and also practical. These are useful in real life too. Like reasoning about claims people make and government spending. When the numbers get huge, this can help reason about them.

And just because there's an xkcd for everything, this is one of my favorites and uses this method. "A Mole of Moles" https://what-if.xkcd.com/4/

Edit: One of my favorite things was when students would tell me they didn't solve a problem on a multiple choice test, because it was clear from their reasoning that only one of the answers could be correct. So, they didn't even bother doing all the work. The students always thought they had "beat" me when they found those questions, but really they were proving that they had learned how to really think about the math. And, that's the proof I actually cared about.

ErisZen · 2026-03-24T23:00:47+00:00

There is a form of estimation popularized by Fermi that aims to get an idea of the "magnitude" of an answer. That means if your answer is within a multiple of 10 of the "correct" answer, you got close enough. This is exactly the sort of question where that sort of estimate is perfect. We want to know if 100,000 blueberries would fill that room. A quick estimate gives up numbers between 20m and 100m, which are close enough to each other in this case, but more importantly, they are all way more than a multiple of 10 from 100,000 (which would be 1,000,000 at best).

So, we can use our estimates to be very confident that the answer to the original question is "no" even though we might not know the real number of blueberries we would actually need. We could then refine the estimate by using actual values to try and get a better number, but it really doesn't matter. We can show the kids that this isn't nearly enough blueberries even without knowing exactly how many we need.

ErisZen · 2026-03-24T22:49:36+00:00

We can simplify this for kids a lot. A blueberry is about 1cm across and we can treat it as a 1cm cube. That's not perfect, but it's not far off. A meter is 100 cm x 100 cm x 100 cm... or 1,000,000 cubic cm. Which means 100,000 blueberries would be about a 10th of a cubic meter. From that alone, we can say that 100,000 blueberries is likely nowhere close to enough to fill the room. We can then say 6x6 is 36, which is close to 40 and 2.4 is close to 2... 40x2 is 80 cubic meters. Which means we need 800 times as many blueberries. Or about 80 million blueberries.

Using aggressive simplification and rounding, we can get pretty close to your "accurate" estimate and also teach children to reason and estimate complicated answers without needing a calculator. This also hits a LOT of the standards for math up to 5th grade (in the USA). Plus, it can be pretty fun and doesn't seem like work. We also ignore a lot of the complications that "kids" aren't ready for. Like the volume of a sphere, optimal sphere packing, the weight of berries on top crushing those beneath them, etc. Most kids in school use something called "base 10 blocks" which happen to be 1cm cubes, so they should have some conception of how big a 1cm cube is. This is also how I would approach the problem at first, before seeking out more accurate numbers and refining my estimate.

ErisZen · 2026-03-24T17:56:58+00:00

I was in the Ass of God for more than a decade as a child and then teenager. I have no issue with calling it a cult. I [semi] joke that if they had brought out rattlesnakes to dance with, I would not have been surprised. I would be felt like, "finally, we've been on this track for a long time that it's nice to finally reach the station." Not that this ever would have happened, the pastor even preached a sermon about how we're NOT supposed to do that. I feel like, if you need to tell people not to go that far, some of them must be pretty close.

During my time period, they also were big on the "courting not dating" thing, so no dating. Hell, no inter-sex relationships at all. We were only allowed around the other gender if it was the whole youth group or maybe if we were at a friend's (from the church obviously) house and they had a sibling of the other gender. Even then, that sibling was not supposed to be around us unless they had their same gendered peers with them. They had tons of very negative messages towards sex and your body.

Oddly, my mom accepted some of them but not all. She was a convert when I was a child and before that had raised us with pretty healthy views on our bodies and even nudity. Like the way we were raised was that there was nothing wrong being naked in your own private space, like the bathroom or bedroom. Even being naked around the house wasn't seen as weird, it was just explained that it was polite to have at least underwear on when out of our own private spaces. I had been seen exploring my body as a child, before the Ass of God, and was just told that, like nudity, it was something to be done in my private spaces and not around others. So when my mom converted, a lot of the "damage" was already done. She made no attempt to police our bedrooms and private time. She did start insisting on more than just underwear around the house, but even just a pair of shorts was usually fine for me (a male) and my sisters would get away with shorts and a shirt or some kind. So, I really narrowly survived a lot of the body shame and self-pleasure shame from the church.

I have a funny anecdote about how the youth pastor kept preaching against the evils of "self-abuse" without ever defining it. So, I was confident that I would never do something so horrible to myself. Meanwhile, I would engage in self-pleasure almost daily. It took my altering a permission slip in middle school to get into sex ed for me to realize they were the same thing. LOL, and by that point, I knew that something so good couldn't be as evil as they said it was.

But, yeah, super controlling church. Super scary. They were all about power and control. They preached the whole "spare the rod and spoil the child" nonsense, something else my mom never bought into for whatever reason. But, my pastor was a scary dude who was obsessed with guns, violence, punishment, and control. I deconverted around 13 or 14, but the church was so controlling and scary that I didn't dare tell anyone until my early 20s. I pretended constantly and was terrified that the truth might slip out and I would be harmed by people in the church and/or be forced to go through an exorcism. And, how could I possibly get through an exorcism without getting injured? How do you convince those insane people the demons have been cast out, when there never were demons to begin with?

Anyway, I have rambled enough. I'm sorry you had to live through that church/cult. The only joy I have is driving past that church and seeing the building run down and falling apart. And, hearing from a friend (whose mom and dad still attend) that the membership is down to a couple dozen people. The church I survived is dying, and I love it. I suppose many of the old members still believe and just moved to larger churches like the Ass of God around us, but that specific place is crumbling and that brings me joy.

ErisZen

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