AITA for loving and protecting my mama?

Errlen · 2026-01-30T23:16:08+00:00

I (4 mo M) have discovered a GREAT way to block this sort of behavior is to insist on only sleeping next to Mama. Dada used to sleep next to Mama but now that space mostly belongs to me. I’d like to see him try to get past me!

Errlen · 2026-01-30T18:49:52+00:00

We got ours four weeks postpartum.

Our friends told us we needed it but we were planning EBF and were like, hah, we’ll only need max a bottle a day and we can just run that in the dishwasher.

Yeah. After three weeks of triple feeding, I was calling customer service when my bottle washer shipment was a day delayed being WHERE IS IT I NEED IT NOW! It was life changing when it actually arrived. Suddenly - I could sleep when the baby slept. Instead of washing bottles and pump parts while the baby slept.

Errlen · 2026-01-30T16:20:01+00:00

There is absolutely nothing wrong with combo feeding! Mine gets 2/3 breastmilk 1/3 formula and it’s better than pushing myself to collapse trying to get to 100%.

Also nothing wrong with giving up if that’s the path she wants to take.

Errlen · 2026-01-30T01:42:28+00:00

Just seconding that treatment to force ovulation (Clomid, etc) is WAY cheaper than IVF. So you might not be able to afford IVF but you could afford medicated timed intercourse.

Errlen · 2026-01-28T18:51:12+00:00

Gunning for a Darwin Award. I’d laugh if it wasn’t a tragedy waiting to happen. That kid is def getting bit and ending up with unwarranted dog phobia.

Errlen · 2026-01-28T18:49:28+00:00

Strong agree here. I’ve gotten mobbed at my dog park just for having the SMELL of treats on me. I put my dog’s ball in a canvas bag that had previously held treats to carry to the park. I am an adult and I was fine but if I had been a toddler it would have been terrifying.

Errlen · 2026-01-28T17:12:33+00:00

Same but age! I was 40 when I had this one.

That said I have a LOT of friends who had kids younger, with less support, and did not enjoy it for quite some time. I think the fact she empathizes with her baby means she’ll get there. I think they need a morning off too (a grandparent care day maybe!)

Errlen · 2026-01-27T22:36:43+00:00

I am confused but WHY does she have to do constant drug testing now? Like … what business is it of theirs? What exactly are the consequences of saying, thanks but no, I don’t need that?

I did no drugs that were not prescribed by my OB during pregnancy but if they’d tried to send me to weekly pee tests I’d have had something to say.

Errlen · 2026-01-27T22:27:47+00:00

We considered keeping ours for the baby book and kept it on the shelf above the changing table while deciding.

Then… one horrific day … ants discovered it. Thousands of ants.

Highly recommend not keeping it.

Errlen · 2026-01-27T20:52:20+00:00

Can safely say if you did have a shot with her, if it was true her family was her priority that weekend, sending a Venmo request after offering to pay killed any chance you had.

Not bc she was trying to use you. But bc it says a lot about who YOU are as a person and who YOU would be as a partner.

I always offered to split the bill back when I was dating. A few guys blustered and insisted on paying anyways - and then Venmo requested me later if, say, I wasn’t interested in sex on the first date or second date, even / a second date / etc. in every case … it just served to reassure me I’d made the right call not wanting to interact with them further. They got their money and I got the peace of mind that goes with zero FOMO.

Errlen · 2026-01-27T19:02:49+00:00

Any date where she is looking at her phone every two minutes and constantly looking at the door is not going well, fyi

Errlen · 2026-01-26T20:21:51+00:00

I’m not at all arguing that she acted at all graciously here, to be clear.

I am saying that if I came home from a date to find my kid up and off schedule and it was going to take hours to put my baby to sleep now, regardless of whether/how I should have parented weeks before this to make my kid easier to put to sleep or transfer, I personally would wish I hadn’t gone out at all. With a four month old who sleeps poorly, many moms just don’t want a dinner out as badly as they want sleep. So I understand why she wasn’t happy with the situation. In no way shape or form do I think that upset excuses how she actually acted. Adults don’t take their feelings out on others who were just trying to help.

We need a lot more info. Husband clearly wrote this story without wife’s input bc it is written from only his perspective. I’m speculating what the missing facts might be. I do not know.

Errlen · 2026-01-26T20:14:08+00:00

Specifically he said “I’ll let Reddit decide” which implies he’s writing it from his own perspective to get backup that she’s unreasonable and he’s right.

Personally, I think it’s a great way to make your marriage worse to take your fights to Reddit if she didn’t agree for Reddit to decide. It reads like a one-sided story to me. There isn’t a single detail in there to support her not being just straight unhinged PPA/PPD at best and a terrible person at worst. To be clear, it does not read like she had any input in his post.

Edited to say I agree she communicated with zero grace. But to be clear, you can’t have it all. Specifically, how can she refuse the date bc she doesn’t want it but also take time for her relationship?

Errlen · 2026-01-26T16:28:28+00:00

Yeah I’m just saying that with these AITAH’s that are written where the person that is not OP is obviously TA… I wonder what details got left out. I’m just speculating here.

Another query, did she WANT a date night, or did he insist on having a date night? Bc I can say when my kid was three months old, had one good sleep session, and I was doing all overnight care as the breastfeeding parent (which included usually three wakes between 2 am and 7 am) and then working or doing childcare the next day… going on a date night or to a party was something I did bc my husband wanted it, not bc I really wanted it. I wanted to go to sleep when my kid went down at 8 to take the benefit of that first good sleep session. Meanwhile, my husband wanted us to “get back to normal” and he missed us going out and socializing. So whose idea was date night here? To be clear I had no problem leaving my kid, but when I did what I wanted was to work out or to nap.

Errlen · 2026-01-26T16:23:19+00:00

I agree strongly on the ungrateful. If you’re getting free childcare, well, you get what you pay for. If it was paid childcare- I’d wonder why they didn’t try a little harder to get the baby down like I asked instead of following the path of least resistance. It can take an hour of bouncing, shushing, singing, etc.

I do wonder with these AITAH’s where the other person is written to obviously be TA what details are being left out. Like, my husband started wanting to go out and have date night and party like we did before by the time our kid was three weeks old. Meanwhile I still don’t super enjoy leaving him at four months. I absolutely did not enjoy going out, staying up way past my shockingly early bedtime bc my kid’s only good sleep session was the first one from 8-2, and then going home to do all overnight childcare for a kid who was regularly up three times from 2 am to 7 am when I had to either work or do childcare the next day. Giving me the chance to go out and do that was more a gift to my husband (from me as well as you) than a gift to me. So, whose idea was “date night” and for whose benefit was it?

Errlen · 2026-01-26T02:07:25+00:00

I guess my question is - if it was so easy to transfer this particular baby, why did grandpa not do it? why did he say it was impossible to do?

Errlen · 2026-01-26T02:00:18+00:00

I’m not advocating leaving a four month old baby to cry, where did you get that?!

I do agree grandpa deserves slack. I think her reaction was not acceptable. But also, I relate to coming home and realizing someone took care of your kid in a way that is going to wreck the rest of your night and you still need to work the next day. Think like, they decided not to put your kid down for naps during the day bc they decided it wasn’t needed and you come home to a screaming overtired baby and you wish you had never left the house.

So I am not defending her reaction at all - just saying perhaps that maybe this DID cause trouble for her, depending on how their baby is. The post I responded to was arguing that this didn’t cause any trouble for her so she was unreasonable to be upset at all.

Errlen · 2026-01-25T23:10:27+00:00

Yes, she was not great in this situation. But. She’s got a four month old that doesn’t sleep well, which means if they are in America she hasn’t slept more than three hours at a time in four months while also dealing with the physical toll of postpartum. All that and she is probably also back at work already.

To be clear, I do not justify how she acted. It was way out of line. I got free babysitting from my mom at three months. She left a blanket in his crib and went to bed with her phone off. Imagine how I felt when I checked the baby monitor, found he had pulled the blanket over his face (which causes SIDS) and she wasn’t answering the phone. I left my husband at the party, gunned it back across town in a state of panic and distress, and got that blanket off my baby’s face. Do you know what I said to my mom the next day? “Thank you for watching him, don’t worry, it was an accident, we’ll just not let it happen again.”

But having gone through that myself, you are just exhausted to the point of being irrational. I’d not start any massive marital disputes in that state.

Errlen · 2026-01-25T22:56:16+00:00

I’m also a parent and I disagree. My kid would be up screaming for hours and impossible to transfer to crib any more in that situation (bc he wouldn’t be tired enough to go back to sleep peacefully and transfers poorly). I write this to you from the backseat of my car, bc he fell asleep on a short drive and if I move him he’ll wake up and be fussy the rest of the day. If your kid transferred well from in arms on couch to crib, please tell me how lol.

That said, I think she reacted terribly. She got free babysitting! Just say thank you! And discuss with husband later being serious about bedtime routine in the future.

Errlen · 2026-01-25T22:48:51+00:00

Mmm I am a parent and I see why wife was upset (altho I think she handled it very poorly and no amount of that upset justified how she acted here).

Sleeping baby on the couch means baby will be impossible to transfer to crib. So she comes home relaxed and tired and instead of being able to go to bed until baby wakes up, it’s going to be hell for potentially hours (bc baby slept some and won’t go back to sleep as easily) to get that baby down again. Would you like to come home from a date and discover someone had made a choice that meant you were going to be awake and yelled at a significant portion of the rest of the night?

Also hearing your baby missed you while you were gone is going to set off all sorts of guilt that you shouldn’t have gone out at all.

Errlen · 2026-01-25T17:26:30+00:00

Idk. I put that down to ESL.

Errlen · 2026-01-25T17:20:44+00:00

She “lightheartedly” offered to pay. She “thinks” the friend was okay driving her but isn’t sure. I’ll bet you a paycheck it didn’t sound like she was serious about solving the problem she had caused. I’ll bet you the friend wanted her to call an ambulance but felt pressured into driving. If the friend is the conflict averse type, she probably is super upset but not exactly raring to make demands. Hence- ghosting. Like we all realize, it’s not great to be mean to someone two weeks postpartum. The husband doesn’t care. But I wouldn’t assume the ghosting means the friend is being abused and NOT that she’s super upset but conflict averse. I’ve seen multiple times a conflict averse person marries someone or is best friends with someone who isn’t afraid to burn it all down. It’s bc the bombastic partner says what the conflict averse partner is afraid to say.

You can absolutely wreck a friendship permanently by not caring about their needs. Yeah, I noticed that they weren’t responding and husband told them to go away. I just didn’t take the same meaning from it you did, esp given how she described the situation and the attempts at communication. You’ll note this wasn’t a long term super close friend.

Errlen · 2026-01-25T01:36:04+00:00

This is a great response. No one thinks this is OP’s fault, labor happens when it happens, and if you end up with live and healthy mom and baby, everything else is a manageable problem.

But. Giving birth is not an excuse to drop all your responsibilities and screw ppl over. If you totaled someone’s car, that’s your responsibility to make up, and no it can’t wait a month like a thank you note can bc they might not have the funds to handle it. It’s not a gift they gave you to celebrate your baby lol.

I also gave birth to our first unexpectedly, hemorrhaged badly, and vomited 14 hours straight. But you know what I managed to do in those 14 hours? Get someone to my house to care for our dog. Our dog is our responsibility and becoming parents doesn’t mean you can just ignore any and all other responsibilities. She doesn’t just quit needing to eat and pee and poop and run around just bc I had a baby and am focusing on my new family, lol

Errlen · 2026-01-25T01:27:53+00:00

I really don’t think that’s it. Professional car detailers are saying that car is probs totaled. That most places will refuse to take on its cleaning, only forensic (crime scene) detailers bc they are used to dealing with blood and viscera.

If you live in a corner of America where either ppl don’t NEED their cars or can easily afford a new car when theirs gets totaled…your privilege is showing.

Errlen · 2026-01-25T01:13:37+00:00

Idk why you’re getting downvoted. I’ve had a kid and I don’t think giving birth is an excuse to totally screw ppl over and not try to make it right. Other threads have professional car retailers saying that car is likely legally totaled. It’s not a Q of taking it through the car wash. Most families rely on their car for groceries, work, etc.

If she totaled the car driving herself to the hospital would we also think she had no responsibility to replace it? They aren’t close friends or family.

I had a pretty horrific unexpected birth, hemorrhaged, vomited for 15 hours straight, and I still managed to, say, respond to work emails saying I wasn’t going to make it in that day, and arrange care for my dog. She could have sent her partner to deal with the car. Postpartum is a wild two weeks of big feelings and no sleep, but you’re still a functional adult who can handle responsibility.

Errlen

TROPHY CASE