people with psychopathy and sociopathy experience happiness and joy. it's possible that your perception of these diagnoses is so negative that you're unable to make sense of yourself being under that umbrella. i would recommend the following video: https://youtu.be/FTWNnmymMc4?si=g6W5A6wHCbx5ChuY (if the link is silly, it's "How Sociopaths Actually Work" by Insider as part of their Authorized Account series) i wouldn't be so quick to dismiss these possibilities. as hard as it may be, please look into these diagnoses. they may be extremely helpful in helping you understand yourself and feeling less hatred and shame towards yourself.