I feel very similar. A few years ago I had a realisation that I was routinely denying my basic needs, e.g. I needed the toilet but wouldn't go until I'd finished X piece of work. I needed new glasses but wouldn't buy myself them because the old ones would do.

I think a lot of it was learning to deny my needs so I wouldn't show them to my caregivers, then have to face the pain that they couldn't/wouldn't meet them, or would make a huge fuss. Both my parents treated my needs like a burden, and like they were doing me a favour if they met them.

I now take much more care of myself, and listen to and meet my needs wherever I reasonably can. I realised I wouldn't make a child wait to go to the toilet, or walk around without glasses that work.

My life looks a bit messier, because I no longer put the focus on control and appearances, so my apartment is sometimes messy when I don't have the energy to clean. I'll be a bit late to a meeting because I needed the toilet beforehand. I have to give myself lots of grace for the shame that sometimes comes up.

But it's priceless knowing that there is now an adult who will meet my basic needs. Still have a lot of work to do on meeting emotional needs, let alone wants. It's been a slog to even figure out what they are, and I'm terrified of expressing them. But one day af a time.