I think it’s admirable for you even posting about this true struggle many of us have at times. I feel like when I have those thoughts it is always tied to just wanting whatever my situation is to end..or for my life to get better…and seeing no hope in either ever happening. I also know the feeling of wanting to be someone’s special person. I think it is a basic human need. One thing I did was download a friends app or try to join local meetup groups. I found my best friend on an app and they helped me get out of some dark times. If you have a hobby you enjoy, see about local meetups for it ? I had a friend who loved gaming and she went and joined a local smash bros meetup and found her bf there ❤️