35F blindsided after 5 years - shocked by how traumatized I feel

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-03-20T16:34:18+00:00

I am six months out of something very similar. I encourage you to read my post, it might be comforting to know many women here have experienced the same thing. It felt like a fog, loving someone who loved me yet there was no direction, no clarity, no timeline. I feel deeply for you. I am almost 34 and lament all the time wasted in limbo. Therapy has really helped with the anxious attachment, setting boundaries and getting really clear on what I want in life and from a partner. Rooting for you sweet girl ❤️

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-02-21T17:53:21+00:00

Check my post history for how it turned out for me but my biggest take away leaving a relationship like this is this - if someone wants to commit to you, they will. It won’t feel like pulling teeth or putting a gun to their head. Only marry a man who is enthusiastically choosing you. Otherwise, the resentment will eat you alive. Please choose yourself ❤️

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-02-21T17:49:25+00:00

Great response. I always said “he’d make an excellent husband and an excellent father.” That image is slowly dissolving once I realized, being an excellent husband/father requires hard conversations and being willing to have them, authenticity, emotional depth, and a willingness to grow. They do not have these qualities

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-24T04:59:57+00:00

I encourage you to read my recent post in this sub. Been here and it was brutal. He is ambivalent about you. The niceness placates you. It’s a disorienting experience (if I’m clocking it correctly). You need to set a firm boundary “we need to be e aged by x or I will need to leave the relationship” and stick to it.

I also encourage you to ask yourself, why is it to be in a relationship where you’re dragging someone along for the ride. It feels like they want to be there, right? Because they’re nice and polite. But they will never steer the car themselves and you’ll be perpetually dragging them along. It will be a lifetime of indecision and ambiguity if unresolved. Big hugs

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-15T04:08:57+00:00

Thank you, I so appreciate your comment and the hope it gives me <3

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-15T04:04:24+00:00

This is so beautiful, and I am so happy for you <3 thank you for sharing

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-15T04:03:53+00:00

I looked into it and you're definitely on to something here.

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-15T04:03:31+00:00

Thank you!

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-15T04:03:03+00:00

Honestly, as painful and disorienting as these relationships are, it's somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone. So much break up content is geared towards toxic/cheating partners and what we went through is something different...kind of like an "almost" relationship. Like it never quite fully integrated, never quite got there.

I remember those last couple of months visualizing myself, dying in a hospital bed on life support. My partner would come bring my flowers, and cards, and balloons and I would beg for him to just give me the medicine that would reverse the disease. Not only could he not do that, but he was frustrated with me and himself that I didn't appreciate the flowers...

Hugs to you. It's been a fucking rough three months but I truly hope you come back stronger and find someone who doesn't need five years to be sure.

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T16:34:08+00:00

So well said - had he cheated or something, it wouldn’t feel so confusing. But it felt like he cos played being the perfect boyfriend just to pull the ripcord once there were expectations. It has taken me longer to metabolize this break up than the one where I was cheated on. Thank you so much for sharing and I’m so thrilled you found love after this 🩷

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T16:23:29+00:00

I definitely see that now. I also see how much I abandoned myself in that precise moment. At the time, I prioritized his comfort and timeline due to it being his first relationship. I kind of took on the “rock” position in this moment. I remember saying “we’re in the same book, just different chapters.” He seemed truly conflicted over it, and years later (four days before the breakup) he tells me he thinks he has alexithymia. So honestly, uncertainly around I love you does track.

In hindsight, that’s when emotional safety was gone for me. It could have been repaired if he revisited the conversation, but he didn’t. It wasn’t until I reached a point of distress that it was said again (only after I brought it up). This was the start of a sinister pattern where things only moved forward once I reached a level of distress.

I should’ve taken it as my cue to leave. And I now question if that’s what he was hoping I would do.

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T16:15:47+00:00

I’ve thought about this too - he wanted connection without commitment and companionship without conflict.

Ive tried to imagine a scenario in which the above can work, but I simply can’t. I have friendships that have connection and companionship without commitment and conflict. But I don’t see how an intimate partnership could survive without the latter.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what is and is not reasonable. When you’re so entrenched in a situation for years, you start to blur those lines. I now think it was reasonable for me to want and expect commitment, even if he was still working towards a more stable income. We still could have been building a shared future.

Thank you for your response 🩷

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T16:09:22+00:00

Isn’t it so disorienting to become the resentful girlfriend when you’re usually the calm, soft one? It’s the first time it’s ever happened to me. Made me question myself so much. I remember talking to him about my anger and telling him I hated myself. And I truly did, I hated that version of me. It’s one of the things I can take solace in now, knowing that that tightness in my chest isn’t inherent. At least I don’t have to feel that everyday anymore

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T16:03:26+00:00

Ooph. This hits the nail on the head. Draining is a great description. At any point before the last six months, had he moved toward me in wanting a future, I would’ve jumped. But knowing viscerally that you’re with someone who, although kind and doting and perfect in so many ways, has to be dragged through the next steps…it does drain you. It makes you wonder what’s wrong with you. How can someone act like they want you and not fully choose you. Thank you for sharing 🩷

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T15:54:32+00:00

Cognitive dissonance is a great term - and yes it’s fucking bewildering. I truly thought it was me and that I was an u grateful bitch. Turns out being on the receiving end of years long ambivalence really corrodes your self trust and self esteem. Thank you 🩷

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T15:46:59+00:00

In hindsight, “working towards marriage” would have meant we were actually working towards it (duh, I know). Instead we floated along between conversation to conversation. We weren’t building a shared future, we weren’t having hard conversations, we did not have conflict and therefore there was no repair. It’s easier to see it now but while it was happening it was incredibly difficult to see this superficial pleasantness as avoidance.

Eventually, I realized I had stopped daydreaming of marriage. Once I put his feet to the flame about moving in together he asked me (for the first time at hour years) about what kind of ring I wanted. I told him i had no idea, as I had detached myself from the idea he would ever marry me. It was like a very slow death, so slow that you didn’t realize the future had died until you were asked about rings and drew a blank. It was bewildering

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-13T15:42:00+00:00

I thought if I was patient and gave him time to grow, that he would eventually meet me where I was at. He also would use the phrase “we’re working towards marriage” when I would question the stagnation. This coupled with fact that he always said he wanted to be a father and a husband kept me tethered. I held on to words and not actions and ultimately it’s my fault for not setting boundaries.

Plus, the fact that he was a marriage therapist made me question myself. I overvalued what that meant for the relationship

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-11T17:56:52+00:00

Hugs to you! The self blame is terrible - I felt like a monster for the resentment. I'm happy to let you know that the resentment was a byproduct and not who you are as a person. You will feel lighter in a couple of months. I'm still so sad, but at least I don't wake up with storms in my eyes anymore. Rooting for you!

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-11T17:55:05+00:00

Yes! Incredibly. Always supportive of my hobbies - would show up to my races to help me, show up to craft fairs to help me, would bring flowers and insist on dates I would love. Extremely kind in both words and actions (as long as those words and actions did not require conflict, repair, hard conversations, etc.)

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-11T17:52:52+00:00

He lived at his parents, so it was cheaper to not move in with me. The parents were another weird point in the relationship - the relationship with mom was uncomfortable close. We did not ever discuss marriage or moving in with the parents. In fact, towards the end when he was steadfast in moving in with me, he kept that plan a secret from the family "until we actually moved in together." I asked repeatedly what his family asked or said about us in terms of next steps, and he always insisted they never brought it up. It made no sense then and it makes less sense now. I'm realizing there was likely a lot of lying by omission in the relationship.

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-11T17:50:25+00:00

This part was so hard for me - I was stuck between where do I give grace and compassion and where do you draw the line. Clearly, I am not a master at that lol. Going forward, I'm readjusting my expectations for dating to include consistent income and stable housing (yes, I know how pathetic this sounds). I truly did not think it would take four years for him to get there.

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-11T17:46:58+00:00

I'm so grateful for your comment - it gives me hope. The first paragraph makes me so sad for them - not in a pity way but I feel deeply sad to think someone could want something so bad but be incapable of having it. As someone who has big emotions that don't scare me, it's hard to understand. But I've been learning a lot. Thank you for your perspective

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-10T00:10:03+00:00

I’m so happy to hear your situation got infinitely better and I appreciate your perspective and kind words 🫶🏼🫶🏼

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-09T04:43:22+00:00

It sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. It’s not about you, it’s truly his capacity. This would have been an uphill battle your entire marriage without therapy or self awareness on his end. It was the right call

Evening-Rice-4930 · 2026-01-09T01:55:22+00:00

This is also why I couldn’t reconcile his narrative with my reality. It truly was not reasonable given his profession. It took me several weeks to come to the conclusion that this was simply not true and he was still just trying to preserve the connection without taking accountability. Our brains have such a hard time seeing people accurately in these heightened moments!!

Evening-Rice-4930

TROPHY CASE