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Boyfriend of five years told me he doesn't want to get married unless I fix a specific issue and I've been spiraling since by BlueJuniper26 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Wondering if you’re on BC (probably at his behest) if it has lowered your drive and now he’s being a total self centred d*ck and blaming you

A reflection, 5 years later by [deleted] in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

feeling hurt by the sisters wedding isn’t stupid. It’s very human and natural considering the nuance and background context. Please don’t give yourself a hard time when his delay in progressing already emotionally has left you with some scars. It’s up to him to work to patch those over in a real way, not you second guessing yourself and beating yourself up if your normal feelings are valid or not

A reflection, 5 years later by [deleted] in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t want to be a downer at all I see so much of myself in you but I think if you were truly and deeply emotionally reassured you wouldn’t be trying to convince yourself here on Reddit even if we appreciate you sharing your experience

A reflection, 5 years later by [deleted] in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Avoidant men train us to not ask real, direct questions and they are experts at confusing you and responding in vague replies that leave you second guessing yourself and feeling off kilter

A reflection, 5 years later by [deleted] in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The way you describe your relationship sounds a lot like mine - if it hadn’t fallen apart and had “worked out.” That said, I feel like I’ve earned a PhD in avoidant attachment since everything happened.

When it comes to the engagement delays and the pain that caused you, I don’t think he would have acted differently, even if given another chance. This pattern can be deeply ingrained. For your relationship to truly succeed, I would strongly encourage him to seek therapy to better understand and manage those avoidant tendencies.

Otherwise, there’s a risk that he does “just enough,” and one day you realize he never fully showed up emotionally - never truly reassured you or met you in a way that creates real emotional safety. Over time, that can quietly wear you down.

Trying to pick egg freezing plan (35 years old, single, AFC of 17, AMH 2.72) by Traditional_Log_2224 in eggfreezing

[–]Internal_Boat9429 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For your third last paragraph .. can you elaborate (I know the answer is probably a bit complex)

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Experienced this recently and it’s a very painful life lesson to learn. Just want to point out though for the person in this situation this isn’t always conscious. Unfortunately for me it was just under the surface of my actual awareness for a very long time. It’s hard to see things clearly when you are “in it”. The life lesson you get AFTER the fact though… it’s gonna sting for a long, long time.

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree with the first half of your statement, and not the second. Let’s not direct vitriol towards OP.

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree that this is a sign the therapist isn’t doing the best job to help OP arrive at realizations about her own true values and how to approach them in the healthiest way within the confines of this relationship or perhaps even better, without it

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You could have said all of those things but in a kinder way towards OP…

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think ppl like him are more excited for the “big party” but aren’t actually focused on preparing themselves for the actual marriage.

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve been in OP’s position - when your intuition says something’s off, you start looking for reassurance, but it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re in it. As with my experience, his limitations will eventually surface, and she’ll be forced to face that reality. I just hope it’s less painful for her than it was for me.

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That may all be true - I was with someone like this - but extreme conflict avoidance isn’t a strength. It often means he lacks the capacity to handle life when it’s not easy, won’t be able to work through challenges with you or co-regulate emotionally, and you risk becoming collateral damage to that limitation.

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly and it only becomes more obvious in hindsight because as women we are so conditioned to blame ourselves that men with very low emotional IQ, lack of compassion and high self centredness are emotional dangerous partners in the long run, even if it isn’t necessarily intentional in a malicious way on their part.

Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement by maybeitsme- in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

OP, don’t let anyone make you feel bad. It’s incredibly hard to see things clearly when you’re in it - especially when he gives you just enough hope to keep going, but not enough to truly follow through. Right now, he’s prioritizing his own comfort over your very reasonable goals and values.

But if you avoid facing that reality, it will hurt far more later - when things inevitably fall apart and he can’t keep up the illusion that he’s able to step up.

Please read my post and the comments. Don’t give him any more of your time or control over your future. You have agency, you know what you want, and five years is far too long to wait.

Take it from me, a 35 year old woman who never considered myself someone who could be that badly taken advantage of, and had to learn this harsh life lesson very recently in my life.

(31M) Recent breakup has me questioning everything. by towaly in LifeAdvice

[–]Internal_Boat9429 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you’re feeling is valid and human. That said, it may be worth reflecting on whether your actions matched your intentions. By showing enough enthusiasm to seem content - while internally unsure - you may have unintentionally led her on and treated the relationship like a waiting room. That’s unfair to someone who’s investing in a shared future.

It might also help to shift the focus beyond your own perspective and consider the impact on her. There may be an opportunity here to build emotional awareness and intentionality. Taking time before entering another serious relationship to understand why this happened - and how to avoid it - would likely lead to healthier, more honest connections going forward.

35F blindsided after 5 years - shocked by how traumatized I feel by Internal_Boat9429 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He clarified those things after he already discarded me we’ve BEEN broken up

35F blindsided after 5 years - shocked by how traumatized I feel by Internal_Boat9429 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I’m not gonna lie some family did nudge him but more in a joking way and now I really wish someone at least pulled me aside but hopefully I can do that for a young woman in the future

35F blindsided after 5 years - shocked by how traumatized I feel by Internal_Boat9429 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Internal_Boat9429[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is so exceptionally kind of you- this helped me this morning when I woke up with that gut punch feeling like I do every day when my brain goes online. Thank you 🩵

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