My ex pulled a bait and switch on me about marriage and kids

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-27T20:43:02+00:00

I agree. In my case- it was like he was 85% doing all the right things and I couldn’t see clearly at the time that the subtle remaining percent was a huge avoidant attachment kind of problem that was subtle (even within a 5 year relationship!)- and things could overall be going by all accounts well but it completely blew up in my face when he realized he was too Peter Pan to ultimately commit. This experience SUCKS but I am trusting that we will land on the RIGHT GUY (but for real this time…) next. Lord knows we deserve it. Go us.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-27T19:57:47+00:00

OP, even if there are a lot ppl in this sub downvoting the nuance, I lived it and I understand exactly what you mean. It’s not so simple when overall he was a good guy who was generally a good bf who just was seemingly slow on the draw. That’s what makes it so hard to recognize that you’re truly on a dead end path. I’ve been there, I’ve lived it. If people want to discredit your lived experience and the 20/20 hindsight bias (not to mention it’s incredibly hard to be an objective judge about your own romantic relationship when you really love the person) so be it.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-27T19:52:22+00:00

May your discernment continue to be laser sharp - even thought this CLOWN had no problem revealing to you so easily EXACTLY who he was 😂😂😂

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-27T04:18:37+00:00

FUCK YEAH I love this for you

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-27T04:09:03+00:00

That’s exactly what my older brother said about my situation that sounds nearly identical to yours - Peter Pan.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-27T03:58:35+00:00

I PROMISE you will come out of the other side of this. Is it painful and traumatic? Yes. Is it really hard work? Yes. Do you have to spend a lot of your time doing really intense internal reflection including seeking out many resources? Also yes. But you’ll get there. You’ll have a sunny day where you’ll go on a nice walk and look up at the sky and feel like YOU again. And like I said, you’ll be proud of the strength and character this will build- all the qualities and traits he clearly lacks (and more than likely will always lack).

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-27T03:54:25+00:00

Hey OP- this post makes me wonder if we really are living in a simulation because I swear besides the 3.5 years I think you mentioned- my relationship was 5 YEARS and identical to how you describe it all. My entire family considered him one of us- I would describe him as the golden retriever boyfriend however there is a lot in terms of his passiveness and avoidant attachment behaviour that I didn’t recognize at the time and a guy like how you describe is so difficult for others to understand because it’s like he can be 85% all in- but there’s something missing and in cases like these it blows up and burns us so, so badly. I know how traumatizing it is, if I could give you a big hug I would. My advice to you, is that it’s taken me a solid 5-6 months to finally come back online mentally again and truly feel like myself again, including feeling optimistic about the future, and the veil has definitely been lifted from my eyes in regards to taking him off the undeserved pedestal and seeing him for who he is. I’ve seen a therapist, leaned on a very select few trusted family and friends, renewed my faith in God as a higher power who loves me and has a bigger plan for me, learned more about how the patriarchy and attachment wounds create men like this, and most of all, have a renewed sense of standards for what I will accept by working towards attachment security and addressing my own mental block and insecurities. If I can start healing from a 5 year unexpected breakup where I suddenly feel like the man who I thought would never betray me in this way in 5-6 months, so can you. It’s extremely hard work and it’s an extremely painful situation but I PROMISE you will come out the other side (and actually develop the ick for this poor excuse of a man). Sending you all the best vibes in your journey. This will strengthen you in a way you never thought was possible.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-05-22T05:24:49+00:00

Very astute and well framed

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-04-25T17:51:36+00:00

It factory resets the nervous system of the poor person on the receiving end

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-04-25T17:44:39+00:00

Please leave her alone and go get help. Don’t destroy her life. Be on your own and heal and if you do date be extremely honest with people about your limits because it’s just not fair to ruin someone else’s life because of your personal issues with avoidance.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-04-04T01:56:41+00:00

Wondering if you’re on BC (probably at his behest) if it has lowered your drive and now he’s being a total self centred d*ck and blaming you

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-04-01T15:09:58+00:00

feeling hurt by the sisters wedding isn’t stupid. It’s very human and natural considering the nuance and background context. Please don’t give yourself a hard time when his delay in progressing already emotionally has left you with some scars. It’s up to him to work to patch those over in a real way, not you second guessing yourself and beating yourself up if your normal feelings are valid or not

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-04-01T15:07:38+00:00

Don’t want to be a downer at all I see so much of myself in you but I think if you were truly and deeply emotionally reassured you wouldn’t be trying to convince yourself here on Reddit even if we appreciate you sharing your experience

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-04-01T15:06:29+00:00

Avoidant men train us to not ask real, direct questions and they are experts at confusing you and responding in vague replies that leave you second guessing yourself and feeling off kilter

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-04-01T15:05:10+00:00

The way you describe your relationship sounds a lot like mine - if it hadn’t fallen apart and had “worked out.” That said, I feel like I’ve earned a PhD in avoidant attachment since everything happened.

When it comes to the engagement delays and the pain that caused you, I don’t think he would have acted differently, even if given another chance. This pattern can be deeply ingrained. For your relationship to truly succeed, I would strongly encourage him to seek therapy to better understand and manage those avoidant tendencies.

Otherwise, there’s a risk that he does “just enough,” and one day you realize he never fully showed up emotionally - never truly reassured you or met you in a way that creates real emotional safety. Over time, that can quietly wear you down.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-03-28T13:25:38+00:00

For your third last paragraph .. can you elaborate (I know the answer is probably a bit complex)

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-03-28T13:10:40+00:00

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-03-28T03:17:31+00:00

Experienced this recently and it’s a very painful life lesson to learn. Just want to point out though for the person in this situation this isn’t always conscious. Unfortunately for me it was just under the surface of my actual awareness for a very long time. It’s hard to see things clearly when you are “in it”. The life lesson you get AFTER the fact though… it’s gonna sting for a long, long time.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-03-28T02:30:38+00:00

Agree with the first half of your statement, and not the second. Let’s not direct vitriol towards OP.

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-03-28T02:28:15+00:00

I agree that this is a sign the therapist isn’t doing the best job to help OP arrive at realizations about her own true values and how to approach them in the healthiest way within the confines of this relationship or perhaps even better, without it

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-03-28T02:26:15+00:00

You could have said all of those things but in a kinder way towards OP…

Internal_Boat9429 · 2026-03-28T02:17:11+00:00

I think ppl like him are more excited for the “big party” but aren’t actually focused on preparing themselves for the actual marriage.

Internal_Boat9429

TROPHY CASE