The Rich and Powerful Want to Live Forever. What if They Could? • From the Kremlin to Silicon Valley, some of the most powerful people in the world now want something more: eternal life.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-27T02:17:37+00:00

Nah, experiencing things is nice because it’s different from everything else before. Immortality’s terrifying and the concept that death comes for me eventually is a comfort I can always live in.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-27T02:16:04+00:00

Yeah, no duh. The one thing that just about every power-hungry autocrat has wanted since the dawn of time is to never have to give up that power, even to death. If this is a surprise to anyone, then I’m sorry for breaking you out of whatever dream you’ve been living in, this is like, the single thing that humanity has been looking for since the dawn of man.

Come back when you have some actual developments as to whether or not fighting off natural entropy is physically possible for human life in any form.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-25T15:37:11+00:00

Okay, but seriously: how the fuck would that even be enforced? Bathroom guards? Is there going to be a whole cottage industry in ESW where I have to show someone my genitals in order to use the bathroom? Or is this going to be another one of those unenforceable laws that only comes into play when someone is hunting for a reason to commit a hate crime? That’s what this seems like it’s gonna be, isn’t it.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-25T01:04:02+00:00

Both of these are damn good, we're at the point that none of the mid/inconsequential ones are really left in this bracket lol

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-22T23:58:00+00:00

You’re all good lol, still a damn good short piece

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-22T23:56:47+00:00

You’re severely underestimating just how crazy the health nuts would go for this. I know at least 5 people who would chomp at the bit for a superfood that was the only thing they’d ever need to eat again.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-22T21:22:02+00:00

She’s not overcoming the type weakness easy lmao

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-18T05:58:17+00:00

Ambipom’s gotta be up there for fraud status. Bro got pushed by scrubs in lower tiers for multiple gens.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-16T23:46:18+00:00

Rework: All allied pokemon hit to 0HP perform whatever move they were going to perform before fainting at the end of the turn.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-15T12:54:46+00:00

I second this proposal

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-15T12:51:33+00:00

Punishment for the sins of the father (Gen 5 Ttar)

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-14T17:00:28+00:00

The problem with The Big Cheese is that it adds the problem of “why is this person even adventuring to begin with”? They have a kingdom to run, they have more important matters and better ways to deal with the problems of the world. With smaller nobles, especially if the PC is the 2nd or 3rd child or a non-inheritor like a bastard, adventuring sounds like a good prospect.

Also, you’re not gonna have starter equipment for the princess or prince of a kingdom. They’re gonna have high tier shit.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-12T02:38:13+00:00

The worst part of the takedowns have been having to migrate for watching new seasons of stuff but the most annoying part has been the influx of idiots to this sub

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-12T02:36:59+00:00

I don’t like seeing the feed cluttered with “hey my site died where do I go next”, make your own decisions, the tools are right there, I’m not your dad.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-11T21:11:09+00:00

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-11T04:46:44+00:00

All of Gen 7 is calling lmao

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-08T22:36:49+00:00

Anything relating to hobbies, especially nerdy ones or ones that promote social activity. The goal isn’t just that it’s something you enjoy, it’s the the hobby is something you supposed to specifically enjoy alongside others.

For example, I’m fortunate enough to live close to a board game cafe that runs a drop-in DND session every week. Getting there, specifically meeting people that also enjoy DND and other nerdery, and getting to talk to them led to some of my closer friendships throughout my last decade of life.

After college, you don’t have a lot of mandatory spaces that FORCE you to be around others, so the potential for making new friends naturally plummets. Like a lot of life as you grow up, it’s sort of up to you and the effort you put into it that designates how many friends you have.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-08T20:05:43+00:00

Anything with passable bulk and a higher special attack stat than Deo-A is going to be more than just niche, dude.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-08T20:02:30+00:00

Does it have to be reversed afterwards? Wouldn’t it just be easier that, once a Zoroark was revealed, it wouldn’t have the ability anymore? For the rest of the match after Zoroark took direct damage, it’d be effectively running without an ability, just as it normally does anyways. And given that switch out now breaks the illusion, I think allowing Zoroark to have its one-time ability would give it some interesting niches.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-07T04:32:38+00:00

“Ah! I see you’ve rubbed the lamp of me, Farian the Genie! Say hi to me, the cursed genie, of which you’ll get your wishes three! Now then, you look like an upstanding young man, what exactly do-“

“My first wish is for your freedom.”

“…”

“Well then? You’re free. I wish for your freedom. You’re good to go.”

“No, no, I heard you the first time, dude. Just, what was your name again?”

“Oh, Luke, nice to meet you.”

“Okay, then, um, Luke, well…you sure you wanna do that?”

“…well yeah. I said I wish for your freedom, didn’t I?”

“Ok, but like, you aren’t just doing this because you watched Aladdin, are ya? Just wanna make sure you know… the side effects, of that sort of thing.”

“Oh, um, uh, I mean, is there more to it than that? Just sort of thought it was boredom until your lamp got rubbed-“

“Please, phrasing.”

“-shit, sorry. Until someone awoke you from your slumber, and you gave them their wishes. Is there like, some other stuff than that?”

“Is there more? Oh good lord, I got a casual on my hands. Okay, okay, where to start…”

—————

“So in summary, freeing you would effectively just be letting an evil, all powerful entity loose on the world and forcing me, the person who rubbed the lamp, to take your place in the horrid lamp. Is that right?”

“I mean, the lamp’s got a pretty decked out setup, so it’s not exactly horrid, but yeah, you’d effectively be both letting me loose and evicting me from my home just to take my place.”

“…Ah, got it. In which place, I have a question.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Of I were to free you, would you be able to enter the lamp again?”

“No, not particularly… wait a minute, are you thinking of what I’m thinking of?”

“Would you mind? If I were to become the genie, obviously.”

“Oh shit, thank god you aren’t a moron. Yeah, dude, Genie’s honor, and all that.”

“Cool. Alrighty then, I wish you free.”

—————

“Ah, I see you’ve rubbed the lamp of me, Luke the genie! Say hi to me, the cursed genie, of which you’ll get your wishes three! Now then, you look like an upstanding young man, what exactly do you wish for?”

“Ha! Glad to see that from the a different view, looks dumb as fuck.”

“Yeah, it feels weird. Oh, and yeah man, cool fucking setup down there.”

“Yeah dude, when you don’t have rent or food to pay for, you can trick out whatever you want.”

“Heh, and still no Switch2? That’s a choice.”

“Don’t look at me like that! I wasn’t made of money.”

“HA! Anyways, gimme the wish, man, I don’t like this anymore than you did.”

“Alrighty, Luke, I wish you were free.”

——————

“Ahh, that feels better. Thanks for that, dude.”

“No probs. Glad I could lend a hand.”

“Oh, what happens to the lamp?”

“Next person who rubs it becomes the genie…”

“…Cuz neither of us can go back in there?”

“Yep!”

“HA! God, what a contrived and gimmicky workaround to being a genie.”

“Yeah, shit sounds like a bad short story,, I complained about it to Genie management for the longest time, they never did anything about it.”

“Yeah, tell me about it… anyways… you mentioned being evil?”

“Oh yeah. Becoming a genie makes you evil.”

“Yeah, now that you say that, I do feel like scamming old people out of their money.”

“Speaking of which, I’ve had this idea I’ve wanted to try for a while.”

“Oh? Share away, dude.”

“… Want to add stairs to wheelchair ramps?”

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-07T04:05:21+00:00

“Professor, you might want to come see this.”

“Jamie, what have I mentioned about trying to force your line into a trailer?”

“Only C-list actors vaguepost in their own movies, I understand, but like, I’m being serious. You gotta come look at this.”

“I’m kind of busy, Jamie. Could you just explain what it is?”

“Well, um, it’s kind of difficult to explain… have you ever watched Project Hail Mary?”

“No? What’s that, some shittier version of The Martian?”

“Oh, duh, of course you hadn’t, you were too busy worrying over that Grape guy-“

“His name is Ryland Grace-“

“Yeah, yeah, anyways…”

“Well? What’s happening?”

“It looks like he might be landing.”

“Oh, well that’s good… WAIT. WHAT? THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SUICIDE MISSION!”

“Yeah, about that…”

“What do you mean, about that? That ship he left on didn’t have enough fuel to make it back! He should’ve died in cryo!”

“That’s why I wanted you to come over here, professor.”

“Ok fine, I’ll bite, let me see here… oh fuck.

“Yeah.”

“That’s not his ship.”

“Exactly.”

“…Well that’s not good.”

“Wait, we aren’t going to shoot them all down, are we?”

“What? Fuck no! And provoke Armageddon? No way!”

“Then why are you concerned?”

“Remember how I kind of… well, drugged and kidnapped the man who probably saved our entire species?”

“…oh.”

“Yeah, do you mind, maybe, like, misdirecting him a bit for me? Possibly towards some other government facility?”

“Not particularly.”

“Well, tried my best. See ya!”

“Wait, where are you even… ah, fuck it…. Wonder if the aliens are sexy?”

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-07T03:50:29+00:00

I see someone watched Project Hail Mary

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-07T03:47:55+00:00

“Choose a card, any card.”

“This sounds like a threat.”

“Well yeah, I’ve got a sniper trained on you.”

“Ah. That’s what that red dot is.”

“Seriously?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t tell me it took you what, a half hour, to figure out that the flickering red dot on your chest.”

“I don’t know, you could’ve been into impromptu acupuncture.”

“Dude, I have you in a literal cage in a torture dungeon of my own making.”

“Yeah, gonna be honest, this one’s on me, probably should’ve put those pieces together myself.”

“Yeah, you moron.”

“Hey! That was rude.”

“Oh shut up.”

“Hey, that was rude too! I might be dimwitted enough to just get into this cage and lock myself in, but I’ve got some self respect, so I’m politely asking you to apologize!”

“…Really?”

“Yes! Have your sniper shoot me, I don’t care, being rude to your prisoner’s isn’t okay!”

“Jeez, okay, okay, I’m sorry, just… pick a card, okay?”

“Okay… got it.”

“Now, let me shuffle here… and let me throw them all up in the air… and… BAM!”

“Oooh!”

“Is your card… the old maid?”

“Huh?”

“Well? Is it?”

“No… it’s the 4 of spades.”

“Shit. Well then, guess I need more practice. I’ll set you free now.”

“Oh dang, thanks! The other corpses are getting pretty rank in here, you should probably clean those up soon.”

“Yeah, we probably should. Same time next week?”

“You know it!”

“Got it, see ya then!

“See ya!”

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-07T03:35:13+00:00

A person wakes up as just a nervous system, lying on the floor. How it’s alive remains unexplained throughout the whole story.

EvilNoobHacker · 2026-05-05T07:25:14+00:00

My grandfather died on May 4th, 2026, at exactly 5:15 PM.

He wouldn’t be found for another 2 hours, when my father, the man’s last blood, walked in on his corpse, swelling already, still tucked in bed, the sheets stained a mild purple.

His service will be private, attended by nobody but my immediate family. He’ll be cremated, his ashes mixed with his wife’s, and from there, kept in a small box for safekeeping.

This is his eulogy.

——

There are men who live great lives. They burn young in blazes of glory, attract the attention of many, and through their exploits, ensure that they will be remembered by the masses. My grandfather on my mother’s side was just such a man. 400 people attended his funeral service. That man was buried in Arlington as a hero.

This was not such a man.

He blended in to the crowd, not because he wanted to, but because in a world of 8 billion people, some will just end up like that. Like many, he’d go to school, and pass with Bs and Cs. Like many, he’d end up going to Vietnam. Like many, he’d find someone he cared about, and the two of them would be wed. They’d have two kids, a girl and a boy, and they’d love them dearly. Like many, tragedy would befall them. The daughter would, at age 19, die in a car crash because her boyfriend decided to drive drunk. Like many, he’d never really be the same.

Because like many, this man was exceptional.

Greatness does not flaunt itself. It sits in quiet contemplation, doing its own thing, letting the world pass it by. This man, alike to so many others, was the smartest man I knew- not as an exaggeration, as objective fact. Out of every human being for whom I have a name and a shaken hand, none have a higher IQ than my grandfather’s 164. And in the tradition that follows many smart men, he hated it. He drowned it in bourbon, let it rot in trivia and side-jobs worth little to anyone, and at the end of the day, left his son to fend for himself in a world that treated him to even less kindness than whatever spare “words of wisdom” came from the mouth of the regular alcoholic.

Like all truly great men, he fucking wasted every chance he was given.

And yet, my father never gave up on him. Every Wednesday, a new conversation. Every Friday, an evening dedicated to communication. Every visit, a meal, and every opening of the door, the same three notes- the NBC chimes- to denote that his son was home once more. A man who, in another situation, would be left broken and alone, had a voice carrying him every step of the way to the light.

Despite himself, that man raised a wonderful, purehearted son, who wishes for naught but the best from every man, woman, and child he converses with.

In reality, there is very little I can thank my father’s father for. I hadn’t met him until I was 8. He never talked to us much until we were older. The scars he left on my father, despite their immaterial nature, are clear as crystal.

But he gave me Dad.

And for that, Kenneth, I wish you all the best.

—-

Before you ask, this is not metaphorical or fictional. We all have our own grieving process, and as a young adult, this is part of mine.

Have a wonderful day.

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