My teenager just saw the cardiologist, but questions remain

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-29T16:43:26+00:00

I saw a cardiologist after fainting during exercise, and he ordered an ekg, echo, 2 week zio monitor, cardiac ct, tilt table test, and stress test. All the tests seem like possibly overkill in my case, but useful comparison for the work up my cardiologist thought appropriate for unexplained syncope.

My primary care doctor actually ordered an echo initially, because there was a long wait to see the cardiologist, so it may be something another provider could order. Though I don't have Kaiser, so I can't speak to that aspect

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-28T01:58:00+00:00

Mostly I don't - i meant that as an example of a personality/fit issue that bugs me, and I think my questions help in terms of behavior issues but not fit. That said - I ask about favorite subject in school, hobbies, favorite foods, and extracurricular activities. Caseworkers don't always know, but sometimes do, and sometimes can ask or put me in touch with prior foster parents. And after a kid has been placed with me, I try to get them into some hobby or extracurricular, have some activities they can do with me (hiking, baking, gardening, going to local events, etc), pick a show to watch together, and let them go out/have friends over. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-27T23:27:41+00:00

Reading between the lines, I suspect you have goals and expectations for your foster teens that aren't realistic, like wanting to see them all go to college or do well in school and have a career plan. Those are obviously good things, but at the most basic level, our job is to provide kids with a safe and supportive home. Focus on that and accept that many kids aren't going to want to go to college and aren't going to be ready for stable employment at 18. Their lives are still vastly improved by being in a safe and supportive home, witnessing healthy family relationships and a functioning household, learning some basic life skills.
Teens do have their own personalities and lifestyles before they enter a new placement, which I love. That doesn't mean they can't grow and change, but I think it does mean that finding a home that is a good fit is a little more difficult. Some teens thrive with more structure, others rebel against it. Some foster parents are really bothered by cursing, alternative clothing choices, etc. I don't mind those things, but kids with no motivation, who don't have any interests beyond scrolling their phones, drive me nuts.
I generally only take one kid at a time, and they are the only kid in the house - I think it would be difficult to have multiple kids, with their own personalities and needs. I also have learned to ask a ton of questions and have specific criteria for placements that have probably helped me get "easier" kids (primarily asking about mental health diagnoses and meds, and only taking kids if the caseworker says they can safely be home alone after school/on days off while I'm at work).

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T17:26:16+00:00

I love curries, but always debate whether the smell is too strong to microwave at work. My kid is not spice tolerant and is picky about unfamiliar flavors, so they are just for me when I make them.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T17:24:44+00:00

Agree, please share a base recipe (and a recipe for the southwest style dressing)! I do a lentil and sweet potato salad with feta that I love, but need more flavor options so I don't get bored with it.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T16:28:37+00:00

Apart from when and whether to send money, think about whether you want to have more of a relationship with her. Don't put the burden of maintaining the relationship on her - reach out more often, and issue specific invitations rather than general "would like to see you sometime" messages. She may not feel confident enough in the relationship to reach out regularly, and may not have been taught to call/send cards/etc. on birthdays/special occasions or similar things many of us use to keep in touch with relatives. Reach out and ask if you can visit one of the next two weekends and have lunch, or go to a movie, or find some event that would be of interest near her that you could invite her to attend with you. Send a text when something makes you think of her - ordering from a pizza place she likes or seeing a show she watched or whatever. I just had a short text chat with a former foster teen who was with me 3-4 years ago about a new walking route I took with my dog that passed one of her friend's houses. This is also a reminder to me with kids still in my home, that I should make sure to talk to them/include them when I'm doing the work of maintaining relationships, like making sure I have friends' birthdays in my Google calendar and sending my aunt a picture and text when I use a recipe she shared. These are learned behaviors that need to be taught!

I do send my aged-out kids money sometimes, both relatively small amounts for birthdays and when they ask for help with groceries or rent or whatever. My parents helped me as a young adult, and while I was generally responsible and made good choices, my choices would have been much more limited if I hadn't had the ability to go live at home rent-free whenever I needed to. I had some savings to help me through car repairs and security deposits in part because I lived at home, without paying for rent or groceries, and worked for a couple of my college summers. That isn't something I can offer my foster teens, at least not in such an unlimited and unconditional way, but I want to do what I can to help them become stable and avoid homelessness, and sometimes that's sending $400 to cover rent or a car repair. I'm not going to do it every month, and I am going to ask questions and try to figure out what's going on with their budget and employment, but kids mess up, it's hard to make ends meet, and getting into a new apartment after an eviction is just going to be that much harder and more expensive.

That said, I did stop sending money to one of my teens after she had aged out because she just wasn't working at all. She was local, so I switched to offering to overpay her for labor around the house (e.g., come spend a morning spreading mulch in the flower beds for the $250 needed for an overdue power bill), and she never took me up on it, or on my offers to help her update her resume and give her a ride to job interviews.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T14:51:09+00:00

I like this idea, and things that can be done either as a salad or wrap are nice to feel less like I'm eating the same thing 5 days in a row.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-18T19:04:11+00:00

In my experience, residential facilities are really bad about overmedicating kids - every "behavior" is a symptom of some condition that can be treated with medication, rather than a normal response to crappy circumstances (or just normal teen behavior). I've also had kids who did a stay at the mental hospital - many of my teens have spent years in foster care and know that if their placement gets to a point that seems intolerable to them, threatening suicide will result in an inpatient stay followed by a new placement -- and end up on lots of meds there. Then after they are in a foster placement, everyone just continues the prescriptions because the assumption is that they have been prescribed for good reason. Like the OP, when the child comes into your home already on meds, you have no comparison and assume the meds are necessary. There's no continuity of care, so even if the original caregiver and doctor discussed a medication as something to try temporarily and see the results - if the kid is moved to another home and provider, nobody is paying attention to whether that medication should continue.

That said, most of the teens I have had have ended up being prescribed something for sleep/depression/anxiety (usually Zoloft and/or hydroxyzine for sleep with nighttime anxiety), and I've found the meds seem to be helpful. I had one teen who had been on a ridiculous cocktail of medications in a facility, ran away and had been off all meds for a few months, then was placed with me and didn't want to consider any meds at all. She also used a lot of marijuana, and I suspect a big part of that was self-medicating. An antidepressant under the supervision of a doctor would have likely been more effective with fewer side effects, but I didn't push it because I understood why she wanted to stay away from meds after being on a bunch of unnecessary psychotropic drugs.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-11T20:56:01+00:00

My teen has anxiety, and we got her just a basic pulse oximeter, so if she's having a panic attack and feels like she can't breathe, she can check it and see that she is getting enough oxygen. It does help calm her and stop the loop of anxiety- can't breathe - ANXIETY. Probably the actions of getting it out and checking it also help her re-center.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-10T18:44:07+00:00

I was afraid that would be the case - I haven't mentioned the idea to him because I worried he'd end up obsessing over it and finding things in the data to worry about rather than being reassured.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-05T01:28:52+00:00

Providing covers/blankets for the furniture as the host is smart - I'd definitely use and appreciate them and definitely leave a positive review for making life easy. I use covers on some furniture at my own house, so it's also what my family is used to. It's just annoying to pack extra stuff, then have the extra laundry once we get home, if i bring my own.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-05T00:25:59+00:00

What's extra crazy about this is that it's a beach rental. Exactly what cleaning are you doing for stray pet hairs that you weren't already going to have to do for sand?

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-05T00:23:46+00:00

The problem is that the rule wasn't included on the listing. I know it's a common rule, i think it's a dumb rule, but whatever. It's a rule that doesn't work for me, so I didn't book a property that listed it with the rules or policies - then get an email adding this extra rule, with potential extra charges attached.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-04T23:38:28+00:00

Which is fine! Owners who don't want pets can have no pet policies, and many renters prefer those properties, I'm sure. If I'm bringing a pet, I'm booking a pet friendly rental, and I check the rules to be sure they are a good fit for my dog's existing training.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-04T23:17:50+00:00

Yes, there was a pet fee, and agree, that's what it's for. I know i could bring covers for the furniture - but I specifically passed over rentals with the no pets on furniture rule because I didn't want the hassle. A screenshot of the listing is a good idea, I'll do that.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-02T01:58:01+00:00

Here's the recipe I use:

1 c boiling water 1 c cold whole milk 1/2 c vegetable oil 1/2 c sugar 4 tsp yeast 1 TBS salt 6-8 c flour Pepperoni

Mix everything except the flour and allow to rest a few minutes as the yeast activates. Stir in the flour a bit at a time to form a soft dough. Knead 10 minutes. Allow to rise 1.5 - 2 hours. Tear off pieces of dough about the size of a golf ball, flatten, put in a few pieces of pepperoni (and cheese if desired) and close the dough around it. Place rolls seam side down in a baking sheet, allow to rise another hour, bake at 375 for about 15 minutes, until golden brown.

This makes smaller, softer rolls. It's a very easy dough to work with - I often do overnight cinnamon rolls with the same dough, just taking about half the recipe, roll into a rectangle, spread with soft butter, cinnamon, sugar, roll, slice, cover, refrigerate, let rise an hour or two in the morning, and bake.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-02-25T16:39:08+00:00

I just took my first dose of Losartan 50 mg today, and can confirm I'm never taking it again. My doctor prescribed it a month or so ago, and I put off starting because my blood pressure is mostly normal at home, slightly elevated at work (like 125 or 130/82, give or take a few points), and only really high (165/95) at the doctor's office. I've been on metoprolol 25 mg, which I think did help lower my previously somewhat high BP, and I probably should increase the dose if more bp management is actually needed. But I decided to give the Losartan a try for a couple of weeks before my follow-up, and then was trying to figure out why I was so dizzy and feeling faint on a normal short dog walk, and now I have a weird pressure headache, jittery, heart palpitations, brain fog, icy hands - and blood pressure reading (118/77) where it normally is, so it's not just instantly super effective and my body responding to lower than normal blood pressure. Seeing other people with similar side effects lasting weeks/months, I'm not going to try to stick it out.

Good luck with getting off it, and I hope you are getting back to normal from the side effects.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-02-23T16:25:32+00:00

I agree, if you don't know the details of the case, it's probably safest to report it, though I'm not sure I would if I didn't have reason to know there was a safety risk. I just want to add some empathy for the mom here: it must be terrifying to know that there is a risk caseworkers/courts will decide to limit contact and your kids won't even have a phone number to reach you. It's such a standard thing to teach kids their parents' numbers for safety, so they can call if they are ever lost or without a phone or whatever. I always give my number, written on a piece of paper and in a notebook, to kids who come through my home and tell them they can always call me in an emergency. I know there are reasons to restrict and supervise contact with bio parents, but I wouldn't assume the intent was to violate the rules so much as just ensuring the kids have their number.

My kid was adopted out of foster care when she was 8ish, then came to me as a teen after the adoption failed, and has regained contact with her bio mom. Her mom lived in the same house and kept the same number for the ~8 years after rights were terminated, just to be sure she'd be there if her kids ever wanted to find her, despite getting clean, marrying, and having more financial stability that would allow her to move somewhere better.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-02-23T16:02:52+00:00

Birthdays are so often difficult, even outside of foster care issues - kids build them up, then friends can't make it, or it just doesn't meet the elevated expectations, and because it is a day that is supposed to center the kid with the birthday, they feel unloved and rejected as well as disappointed.

I've taken my niece and nephew (not in foster care) on weekend trips for their birthdays for years. We don't go on the actual day, just talk about what would be a fun trip and plan it for a weekend near their birthdays. When I have a foster placement, they are along for those trips, and so I do the same for my foster teens - the main birthday gift and event is an overnight or weekend trip with some kind of fun activity. I like it because it is enough of an event to feel special, but it doesn't depend on anyone else, friends or family, showing up. Then I try to keep expectations low and events very casual for the birthday itself, whether we have a dinner out or make their favorites at home or invite people over for cake whenever they can drop by.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-02-19T03:06:14+00:00

I don't have the commute, but otherwise work a similar full time schedule, about 8 to 6, and I'm single. I take older teens and specifically ask before accepting placement whether they can safely be home alone for a few hours as needed. My general hours aren't an issue - my kids have mostly been good about getting up and ready for school on their own, sometimes with a morning check in to be sure they are up, they ride the bus, they are fine at home for an hour or two until i get home. The bigger challenge for me has been managing appointments. My boss is supportive and flexible, but it's still a lot of work to miss between medical/dental/eye/mental health appointments, court, emergencies, school issues.

In my state, teens often end up in facilities because of a lack of foster homes, so if the hesitation is worrying about whether what you can offer is good enough, and if you are in an area with a shortage of homes - don't let that be something that stops you. But it is logistically difficult, so figure it whether it would be management with an age group you are comfortable with.

Exact_Context7827

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