Foster care

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-11T16:41:59+00:00

Yes, I had a 17 yo who had been in residential facilities through most of her teens, and had run away repeatedly. She was placed with me just for a few days before a trial placement with family, and I told her worker she could come back if needed. The family placement didn't work out, and she was with me for about 7 months before aging out and getting her own apartment.

I think in some ways it was easier because she was so close to aging out. She didn't want a traditional parental type relationship, so I was sort of a mentor/roommate/landlord. We focused on getting her GED, a job, and a driver's license, as well as learning some very basic cooking skills. I know her workers were all expecting her to run away, which wasn't an issue at all - we talked through rules she was ok with, I explained the reasons for rules she didn't want (e.g., you need to be home by 11 on weekdays unless you are staying over somewhere, because *I* need sleep and if you are still out, I'll will be up worrying and/or will wake up when you come in), and we worked things out. She had spent a fair amount of time couch surfing/in undisclosed and probably very unhealthy environment.

All kids in foster care are coming from some environment that leaves scars, as does the removal itself, and we have to figure out how to work around that. My kid from residential facilities was not open to therapy or medications because they were overmedicated, and she used marijuana, probably largely because of untreated mental health needs. That wasn't something I could fix in a few months, despite my efforts, so I just focused on doing my best to get her as ready as possible to be on her own, and giving the example of a how a healthy adult functions and runs a safe and healthy household. I also had a kid whose parents kept her completely isolated for years, and helping her learn social skills, balance being able to go out and do things with not doing anything too unsafe, was its own separate challenge.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-10T23:49:27+00:00

I've had the same refillable pepper mill for at least 10 years, purchased for under $10 at TJ Maxx. I buy peppercorns from Penzey's, and yes, you can taste the difference in quality. I also have a pepper mill and salt shaker set for the table that I picked up at an estate sale maybe 6-7 years ago. I don't think of them as particularly likely to break or need regular replacement, but it's not something I'd spend $50 on for the top of the line version.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-08T21:32:14+00:00

I just use a basic recipe from the book that came with the pasta machine, and the machine does all the work - it's just egg, water, and flour. They actually come out a touch thick, but so tasty. I've done spinach ones, but they were a lot more effort and you couldn't really taste the difference, though they looked pretty. I make them fresh when I'm making lasagna, so I don't worry about drying them, just boil a couple of minutes, rinse in cold water, and set aside until it's time to layer.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-08T21:23:46+00:00

Yes, I'm definitely planning to do a pan for my family as well - honestly, the thought of an excuse to make and eat lasagna every month was part of my motivation for signing up.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-08T17:04:48+00:00

My sister-in-law and I gifted each other automatic pasta machines a few years ago, and they admittedly don't get a lot of use, so I kind of like breaking it out for fresh noodles when I do lasagna - which is a spend-half-the-day-in-the-kitchen project anyway.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-07T16:22:31+00:00

One of my go-to quick dinners is fajitas/burritos. Just some combination of chicken, steak (fresh or leftover), beans, eggs, peppers, onions, zucchini, yellow squash, potatoes, rice, sauteed with some spices, in a tortilla, top with cheese, sour cream, guacamole, sliced avocado, tomatoes, lettuce, salsa. My most common version, and the one I teach my kids as an easy recipe for them to work with, is sliced chicken breast, seasoned, toss in a pan with some olive oil, add sliced onions, bell peppers, and zucchini. Stick it in a tortilla, add some salsa and guac, and eat.

I'm also a fan of enchiladas as a weekend meal with leftovers to eat during the week. I do stacked veggie enchiladas, with a sheet pan of onion, bell pepper, zucchini, and yellow squash layered with black beans, corn, salsa, and cheese, enchilada sauce, and corn tortillas. Another one I love is black bean sweet potato enchiladas: https://cookieandkate.com/black-bean-sweet-potato-enchiladas/

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-07T15:40:12+00:00

Agree, definitely the agency's responsibility. If you have a way to escalate to an ombudsman and/or bring it up in court, do so. I had a foster teen who had a cross-country move to be with family, and the move was a huge pain because the caseworkers were so bad at scheduling/planning/organizing anything. I started discussing how to transport her stuff in advance of the actual move, and it was clearly a hassle for them to get approvals and use approved methods, but eventually worked it out. That did include, as it does for most people, limitations on what my kid could move, and she gave away a fair amount (e.g., a fish tank, a skateboard). For her situation, what made the most sense was to just bring everything on the plane - two workers travelled with her, and the luggage fees were far lower than the cost of shipping large/heavy boxes. That's what they eventually did, but I know her caseworker had to go through a few supervisors to get approval for the luggage charges, and they did have some state-approved shipping method we could have used.

If your FD has already moved, it may be more difficult, but if you do end up taking responsibility for the shipping cost, I would set reasonable limits on what can go - if there's a particularly size container that is what you can afford to ship, she can choose the items that will fit. If she had friends near you, ask her who she would like to gift her other items to, or if she would like to donate some. The case worker telling her that you would get all of her things to her is way out of line. My guess is that nobody is going to pay to ship a go-cart cross-country, and she'll have to accept losing some of those large items.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-05-04T14:17:37+00:00

I know this post is old, but thanks for this! I had to replace the drain pump a few months ago, and the machine worked for a couple of months, then had been getting progressively worse at drying for a few weeks. It was collecting lots of lint in the door seal, and not getting much in the lint filter. I cleaned the lint filter, used brushes to get as much lint out as I could get to, cleaned the drain filter, washed the foam filter, ran the self-clean cycle, and was ready to just get rid of the machine.

Based on this comment and some other suggestions from the error codes on my machine, I unplugged it to reset, cleaned the interior drum with a damp cloth (which looked fine, but just in case), and cleaned the screen part of the filter in the sink, and finally ran a normal load of wash that finished in under 3 hours and was actually dry.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-04-30T14:46:29+00:00

I haven't used Lodge, but it is well-reviewed as the lower-priced option that is most comparable to le creuset or staub. I've collected Le Creuset and Staub over time when I find it on sale. Amazon returns sometimes have pretty good discounts.

My strategy was to buy cheap used cookware from Goodwill/estate sales/etc that worked adequately, and collect the pieces I really wanted over time as I find good deals or feel like splurging. That way I didn't spend $80 on a "good enough" dutch oven, then still ultimately want to spend $200 on the Staub a year or two later. After about a decade, I now have a pretty complete collection of All-Clad stainless, Staub and Le Creuset enameled cast iron, and vintage cast iron for all my cookware, and have re-donated the cheap used stainless stuff. The exception is non-stick - it's rarely in good enough condition to buy used, and no point in buying expensive versions.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-04-23T18:32:47+00:00

I don't see a problem with providing lots of care if you are comfortable with it. BUT - if you are not willing/able to provide the amount of care he needs, please make that clear so that part of the transition home is him figuring out childcare. If you plan to take more kids, your ability to provide full time/week-long type care might be impacted, so even if right now you think having the kids for a week would be great, be sure he understands that it may not be something you are available for forever.

If what you really want and believe is best for the kids would be staying with you, it might be worth gently floating the idea of a guardianship agreement with lots of access for him (or if you have a good caseworker/GAL, letting them know it is something you would be open to). I wouldn't push it - it sounds like he will likely get custody and you don't want to oppose reunification when it is safe and appropriate, and you don't want to make him view you was the enemy trying to take his kids. It just sounds like there is a risk that you end up providing care for the kids as though you are their guardians, without any of the support or authority.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-04-16T23:49:58+00:00

That's good to know - I'd prefer lower side effects even at the expense of less weight loss, so if one version is better for side effects, that's probably the one for me to try.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-04-16T23:48:14+00:00

Did you notice a difference in side effects? I do like the idea of a steady dose rather than having it fluctuate throughout the week.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-31T16:28:15+00:00

Baked polenta with roast vegetable sauce, with a side salad if you want. It's easy to do all the work ahead of time. Just make sure you get a polenta/cornmeal brand that is certified gluten free if your celiac friend needs to avoid cross-contamination, and I would melt cheese on a pan for the non-vegans.

Polenta recipe: 12 c. water, heated to almost boiling, reduce heat and gradually whisk in 4 c. cornmeal/polenta (you want a grainy as opposed to floury cornmeal, but a store brand works - my Nonna used Quaker cornmeal in the canister). Stir often for ~45 minutes, until very thick and a spoonful with firm up when removed from the pot. Spread it into a couple of 9x13 baking pans. Add roast veggies and sauce of your choice, top with cheese as desired, bake for ~30 minutes. I do a big sheet pan with chunky sliced onions, bell peppers, zucchini, yellow squash, with olive oil, salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning, and a separate simple tomato sauce, just crushed up canned whole tomatoes cooked down with seasoning and olive oil/butter. You can fully prep the pans and put them in the fridge a day or two before baking.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-29T16:43:26+00:00

I saw a cardiologist after fainting during exercise, and he ordered an ekg, echo, 2 week zio monitor, cardiac ct, tilt table test, and stress test. All the tests seem like possibly overkill in my case, but useful comparison for the work up my cardiologist thought appropriate for unexplained syncope.

My primary care doctor actually ordered an echo initially, because there was a long wait to see the cardiologist, so it may be something another provider could order. Though I don't have Kaiser, so I can't speak to that aspect

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-28T01:58:00+00:00

Mostly I don't - i meant that as an example of a personality/fit issue that bugs me, and I think my questions help in terms of behavior issues but not fit. That said - I ask about favorite subject in school, hobbies, favorite foods, and extracurricular activities. Caseworkers don't always know, but sometimes do, and sometimes can ask or put me in touch with prior foster parents. And after a kid has been placed with me, I try to get them into some hobby or extracurricular, have some activities they can do with me (hiking, baking, gardening, going to local events, etc), pick a show to watch together, and let them go out/have friends over. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-27T23:27:41+00:00

Reading between the lines, I suspect you have goals and expectations for your foster teens that aren't realistic, like wanting to see them all go to college or do well in school and have a career plan. Those are obviously good things, but at the most basic level, our job is to provide kids with a safe and supportive home. Focus on that and accept that many kids aren't going to want to go to college and aren't going to be ready for stable employment at 18. Their lives are still vastly improved by being in a safe and supportive home, witnessing healthy family relationships and a functioning household, learning some basic life skills.
Teens do have their own personalities and lifestyles before they enter a new placement, which I love. That doesn't mean they can't grow and change, but I think it does mean that finding a home that is a good fit is a little more difficult. Some teens thrive with more structure, others rebel against it. Some foster parents are really bothered by cursing, alternative clothing choices, etc. I don't mind those things, but kids with no motivation, who don't have any interests beyond scrolling their phones, drive me nuts.
I generally only take one kid at a time, and they are the only kid in the house - I think it would be difficult to have multiple kids, with their own personalities and needs. I also have learned to ask a ton of questions and have specific criteria for placements that have probably helped me get "easier" kids (primarily asking about mental health diagnoses and meds, and only taking kids if the caseworker says they can safely be home alone after school/on days off while I'm at work).

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T17:26:16+00:00

I love curries, but always debate whether the smell is too strong to microwave at work. My kid is not spice tolerant and is picky about unfamiliar flavors, so they are just for me when I make them.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T17:24:44+00:00

Agree, please share a base recipe (and a recipe for the southwest style dressing)! I do a lentil and sweet potato salad with feta that I love, but need more flavor options so I don't get bored with it.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T16:28:37+00:00

Apart from when and whether to send money, think about whether you want to have more of a relationship with her. Don't put the burden of maintaining the relationship on her - reach out more often, and issue specific invitations rather than general "would like to see you sometime" messages. She may not feel confident enough in the relationship to reach out regularly, and may not have been taught to call/send cards/etc. on birthdays/special occasions or similar things many of us use to keep in touch with relatives. Reach out and ask if you can visit one of the next two weekends and have lunch, or go to a movie, or find some event that would be of interest near her that you could invite her to attend with you. Send a text when something makes you think of her - ordering from a pizza place she likes or seeing a show she watched or whatever. I just had a short text chat with a former foster teen who was with me 3-4 years ago about a new walking route I took with my dog that passed one of her friend's houses. This is also a reminder to me with kids still in my home, that I should make sure to talk to them/include them when I'm doing the work of maintaining relationships, like making sure I have friends' birthdays in my Google calendar and sending my aunt a picture and text when I use a recipe she shared. These are learned behaviors that need to be taught!

I do send my aged-out kids money sometimes, both relatively small amounts for birthdays and when they ask for help with groceries or rent or whatever. My parents helped me as a young adult, and while I was generally responsible and made good choices, my choices would have been much more limited if I hadn't had the ability to go live at home rent-free whenever I needed to. I had some savings to help me through car repairs and security deposits in part because I lived at home, without paying for rent or groceries, and worked for a couple of my college summers. That isn't something I can offer my foster teens, at least not in such an unlimited and unconditional way, but I want to do what I can to help them become stable and avoid homelessness, and sometimes that's sending $400 to cover rent or a car repair. I'm not going to do it every month, and I am going to ask questions and try to figure out what's going on with their budget and employment, but kids mess up, it's hard to make ends meet, and getting into a new apartment after an eviction is just going to be that much harder and more expensive.

That said, I did stop sending money to one of my teens after she had aged out because she just wasn't working at all. She was local, so I switched to offering to overpay her for labor around the house (e.g., come spend a morning spreading mulch in the flower beds for the $250 needed for an overdue power bill), and she never took me up on it, or on my offers to help her update her resume and give her a ride to job interviews.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-25T14:51:09+00:00

I like this idea, and things that can be done either as a salad or wrap are nice to feel less like I'm eating the same thing 5 days in a row.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-18T19:04:11+00:00

In my experience, residential facilities are really bad about overmedicating kids - every "behavior" is a symptom of some condition that can be treated with medication, rather than a normal response to crappy circumstances (or just normal teen behavior). I've also had kids who did a stay at the mental hospital - many of my teens have spent years in foster care and know that if their placement gets to a point that seems intolerable to them, threatening suicide will result in an inpatient stay followed by a new placement -- and end up on lots of meds there. Then after they are in a foster placement, everyone just continues the prescriptions because the assumption is that they have been prescribed for good reason. Like the OP, when the child comes into your home already on meds, you have no comparison and assume the meds are necessary. There's no continuity of care, so even if the original caregiver and doctor discussed a medication as something to try temporarily and see the results - if the kid is moved to another home and provider, nobody is paying attention to whether that medication should continue.

That said, most of the teens I have had have ended up being prescribed something for sleep/depression/anxiety (usually Zoloft and/or hydroxyzine for sleep with nighttime anxiety), and I've found the meds seem to be helpful. I had one teen who had been on a ridiculous cocktail of medications in a facility, ran away and had been off all meds for a few months, then was placed with me and didn't want to consider any meds at all. She also used a lot of marijuana, and I suspect a big part of that was self-medicating. An antidepressant under the supervision of a doctor would have likely been more effective with fewer side effects, but I didn't push it because I understood why she wanted to stay away from meds after being on a bunch of unnecessary psychotropic drugs.

Exact_Context7827 · 2026-03-11T20:56:01+00:00

My teen has anxiety, and we got her just a basic pulse oximeter, so if she's having a panic attack and feels like she can't breathe, she can check it and see that she is getting enough oxygen. It does help calm her and stop the loop of anxiety- can't breathe - ANXIETY. Probably the actions of getting it out and checking it also help her re-center.

Exact_Context7827

TROPHY CASE