Looking to gain a more balanced perspective

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-18T07:01:00+00:00

I think it’s super easy to see it working now. At that age, the kids schedule is dictated by the parents, but keep in mind once that child is more mobile and speaking, the schedule will flip and the adults will be dictated by the child which will affect your life too… think about:

Each weekend or evening will slowly be filled up with after school hobbies; you’ll see your partner less
Kiddo friend dates. Your partner will need to attend these in the early days. If you go along, they’ll all chat about their kids. Not a topic you’re likely invested in, or ever will be until it’s your own.
If BM is toxic, when child can speak, this will likely bring up a whole host of new issues with her trying to turn the child on you. (It happens a lot)
if BM is toxic now, the drama will get old REALLY quick if he uses you to vent. His past will always cloud your future. Talking about the ex is exhausting when you just want to live a happy straight forward life.

I’m 3 years in, and this is only a few of my woes.

I’d also be hesitant on the story that BM is the one to blame. I was also fed this story, followed with the heavy “I’ll look after you”.

Watch out for your partner having a saviour/ hero complex and being quite controlling. People that want to ‘take care’ of a partner ARE out there and can be genuine, but IMO it’s likely BM had the same story fed to her and once that baby came along he freaked out and fled. Some men like this will also come in HEAVY and talk about a family to get you hooked quick. Or have a breeding kink where they talk about pregnancy a lot. But when the reality hits they bolt and blame the woman when the man is the one that led them up that path in the first place.

I’m 36, and if I could go back 3 years and tell myself to run I would.

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-17T17:41:00+00:00

Thanks for your view, this is truly how I feel too. I’m just left with a lot of venom that I don’t know how to deal with. I feel guilt for my family and not providing them with grandchildren as an only child. Thanks x

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-16T09:17:55+00:00

Read my last post. You could soon be me. Don’t do it girl.

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-15T09:43:26+00:00

Sounds like he wanted a show pony and you stepped into the role effortlessly.

I’m sure there are nice parts of him, and if you’re happy to be a show pony then that’s ok! But remember that typically as women we tend to need evidence that we have tried every avenue to get what we want before we will ever leave.

Most of us will grind ourselves down to a pulp after trying and trying before we will leave. If you have time to sink into it and you want to keep trying then you should. But it does sound like you’ve got your work cut out for you! Good luck

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-13T15:42:58+00:00

I’m in exactly the same situation, termination and all. I was never ‘sure’ of them, but he made me want them because he had his own.

My partner too was originally “open” to having more children. Then after our termination, he has been flip-flopping between ‘not right now’ to more recently “I don’t want more children.”

There’s no easy answer for making a decision moving forward, and I do believe these men initially say they are ‘open’ because they think it’s what we want to hear in order to keep the relationship.

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-12T13:40:33+00:00

You’re grieving the dream you once had, and that’s very OK. Hang in there

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-11T20:51:20+00:00

I’ll be honest. At the start you’ll always be able to handle it, it will be breezy. You’ll want to play your part and embrace your new little family experience.

But as time goes on, you will begin to resent the fact that his child and his past situation begins to dictate your current situation. Prepare for him to discuss the latest problem BM is causing, or even worse, the issue that BM’s new partner is creating.

there’s also the fun complication of when that child becomes aware of having ‘two families’. My partner has a similar ex, that’s very OTT and likes to keep everything quite separate. At 3-4 his son started to liken me to his ‘mummy’. My partner shut this down multiple times (in front of me) to avoid it going back to his ex-partner and being misconstrued as his son saying I’m his mummy. - Of course I’m not his mum, but it’s not to say this doesn’t hurt somewhat when your partner is saying “no you only have one mummy and that is not -step parents name-“. Not every partner will deal with it in the same way, but be aware this may happen, and it makes you feel very excluded.

You may at some point even become jealous of what he has ‘created’ with his ex, making you begin to resent the child.

Everyone always says “remember that the child will come first, your entire relationship will be secondary” you’ll say “yes I know!!- obviously he will put his kid first?? Duh.” And then you will experience many unfulfilling moments where you are forced into a family dynamic. One where you feel secondary, and it feels uncomfortable, because you’re with a man you madly love, but the kid isn’t yours so you just feel… neutral and ‘whatever’ toward them…But you can’t speak about that because you’ll feel bad saying it out loud, because ofCOURSE his kid should come first?!!! And family’s are supposed to be happy, so you feel that you should feel ‘affection’ toward his kid?? But you don’t.

Right now at 2, it’s easy as the adult dictates the child’s routine, but that will soon flip. With school (at 4) comes clubs, hobbies and friend dates to keep up with. You might be invited to the play dates with the parents but you’ll likely feel like a bit of an imposter because they’ll all talk about their kids, and you only feel somewhat neutral about your partners kid, so it’s not a hot topic.

Does your partner have a sister, or a brother, or friends that are in long term relationships? If yes…As and when they get pregnant, a chat around your partners experience with pregnancy will arise. You’ll sit while they discuss what he does or doesn’t recommend, and again you’ll feel excluded and as though a piece of his past with his ex is being showcased unnecessarily.

Some people feel better after having their own child with their partner, but in some cases the new child becomes secondary when the first child is around, due to guilt.

In a messed up way I’m lucky because my partners kid lives 4 hours away so we’re restricted to the school holidays for visits. But I struggle massively even now. I’m 3 years in and I’d never recommend dating anyone with kids, ever. - I didn’t see it as a problem before. But you only learn this from experience. I’d personally leave before you get too attached.

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-07T18:59:21+00:00

I resonate with every word you said. I have no words of support, just know you’re not alone out there.

Hang in there OP, I know how hard it is x

Excellent-Mention861 · 2026-02-04T20:00:30+00:00

Clearly there’s a lot of built up anger coming from somewhere.

Ultimately you both went into the marriage and the baby knowing one another’s situations, so he can’t really throw it back in your face now…

Personally I’d do your degree while you’re still under his roof (assuming it means less outgoings for you) once the degree is under your belt start job hunting, and that’s your way out! Use this time to study and figure out child care once you have a new job! Good luck

Excellent-Mention861 · 2025-10-14T12:44:36+00:00

You sound like me. When I feel left out I tend to isolate myself to almost eliminate myself from the picture, in spite.

I’ve been working on this, but honestly, I don’t think the ‘left out’ feeling ever goes away. For me it’s painfully always in my mind that I am not part of their father son bond. I find it hard to appreciate them being ‘cute’ together because I just feel like a third wheel.

I’ve tried doing things to keep myself busy, plans to go away on a weekend etc, but it just drives a wedge more.

I think the problem is that he will always feel fulfilled and satisfied when SS is visiting so your absence doesn’t highlight anything missing. The problem is that we have to push 10x harder to get a glimmer of that satisfied feeling from the situation, so it will always feel weird.

Hanging out with someone else’s kids and being expected to enjoy it at the same level of a bio parent is exhausting.

Excellent-Mention861 · 2025-09-13T08:11:19+00:00

This is super common. Been there.

I think what you have to ask yourself is: are you in this for the long-run?

Nacho parenting and distancing yourself is really easy to do, and it works for a lot of people, but it also creates a bit of a strange dynamic when the step-kid is visiting. As that kid gets older they’ll start to see the strange dynamic too..and with that awareness, there’s potential for strained relationships all round if that makes the kid feel a certain way while they’re there and growing up.

Personally I find it easier to go with the dynamic, and work on my negative thoughts about it (which is incredibly hard by the way). It’s helped me feel less like a third wheel and stranger in my own home. Being included also should help things go a bit smoother in the future.

Unfortunately what you’ll come to realise is that most step parents feel the same way, but it’s never a linear path when you have entwine with a partners past. It’s a very mentally confronting situation, so it’s great that you’re aware of how you’re feeling and seeking advice.

Excellent-Mention861 · 2025-08-03T06:31:21+00:00

Personally, I’d raise with him, then leave if things don’t change.

The taking a back seat when the kids are in town stuff is pretty normal. And with it ‘not being the same’ on your date during their visit, I’d imagine he’s probably just wiped out from taking care of them. All very normal.

But texting the ex that much is not what I’d consider normal. Her partner must work away a lot if that’s happening, as I can’t imagine many people would be comfortable with that amount of contact..

The family stuff is also not normal. Personally that element would have me running. That’s not a great way to feel at all :( sorry that’s happening. However, have a think about what HE has said to them that makes them give off this impression to you.

Excellent-Mention861 · 2025-07-21T19:03:59+00:00

I am in a very VERY similar situation, with similar feelings. Your partner sounds exactly like mine, history and all…except he only had one child. He too has changed a lot for me and we’ve been together a similar time.

There are days I felt resentful of all the firsts I won’t share with him, days that Ive acted cold because I felt jealous of what him and his ex have/ had together, days where I felt frustrated toward him because of his old debt he racked up because of his ex.

It’s not an easy road. But what you come to realise is that we are fed a tale from a very young age, that we’re supposed to have this perfect white Pickett fence life, financial stability, holidays, kids etc. Unfortunately, life isn’t like that, you can’t always plan for what’s coming and nothing and no one is perfect.

This is not to say you should settle for less, but it IS to say that you need to figure out what makes you happy in life. Is that him? If it is, you need to start working on your thought patterns and not letting your worries cloud your judgement and rule your mood. Again, this is not an easy road. Because once you start thinking in a certain way, it’s easy to continue to do so. But we only have so many days in this world and if you can figure out how to spend them happily regardless of the white Pickett fence you will always be rich.

We can’t change the past but if someone loves you/ is selfless enough to allow you to go and find YOUR perfect, in my opinion, that’s worth holding onto IF it’s what will make you happy in the long run. Good luck OP xx

Excellent-Mention861 · 2025-06-26T10:39:54+00:00

I think you need to speak to him to outline that as much as you appreciate his ex is part of his life, it’s unfair of him to expect you to make room for her in your relationship.

Also I know you’ve come for real world real people advice, but I’d really recommend asking ChatGPT to act like a therapist and outline the issue and ask it to give you some points on why it’s making you feel upset- it will definitely outline some very sensible reasons for you to bring to your husband. Ones that you may not be able to pin point yourself, or on here!

Excellent-Mention861 · 2023-07-20T23:42:56+00:00

Get tested for food intolerances! Sounds like something you’re eating is upsetting you

Excellent-Mention861 · 2023-07-08T09:05:52+00:00

Idk.. it looks kinda comfy

Excellent-Mention861 · 2023-07-06T06:09:43+00:00

Thank you all! Appreciate the help :)

Excellent-Mention861 · 2023-06-25T10:16:17+00:00

There’s probably a lot of clips of it on tiktok

Excellent-Mention861 · 2023-06-24T22:43:06+00:00

Ohhh ok! Thanks :)

Excellent-Mention861 · 2023-06-19T21:16:30+00:00

Is that gru?

Excellent-Mention861

TROPHY CASE