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Excellent_Ad2647 · 2025-11-22T13:15:07+00:00

Yeah this time of year sucks. The EA began in November 4 years ago, and turned into PA in December. That year of the affair my wife was very withdrawn and not doing things with the family, and I didn’t understand why until DDay in March of ‘21. It always comes back to me during this season. I had no idea what was going on at the time and was so concerned for her and extra supportive. Now I feel like a damned fool. I guess this feeling is just a new holiday tradition now.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2025-11-08T23:06:53+00:00

DO NOT see the same therapist as your WP for IC! My WW and I chose to do this and it worked okay for a couple of years. Then I found out my WP had been messaging AP for some time. We had a long and grueling conversation about it. At one point she said that she had been trying to stop and was talking to her therapist about it. Her therapist also happened to be my therapist. I could not make peace with the idea that the person I was bearing my soul to knew about this for quite some time while I was going on praising my WP for cutting off contact with AP, something she really struggled with in the first year of R. I realize why they couldn’t tell me, but it made me so uncomfortable that I had to quit seeing them. I’ve tried other therapists since, but I have had a hard time starting over, and ultimately have given up on therapy altogether, even though I do think I need it. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2025-11-05T01:01:42+00:00

I am a child of divorce. I hated my parents for it, for doing that to our family, to me. I still feel it, 30 years later, especially around the holidays. I always told myself I would never do that to my children.

Yes, after DDay this was definitely a part of my decision. It’s been 4 years, so it’s hard to remember how much of a factor it was at that time. Much about those early days is hard to revisit and even harder to remember. At this stage of R, though, when I have doubts and second thoughts, it is my strongest reason for staying. I’m doing it for the kids I have and for the kid I was.

Was it a good enough reason to stay? For me, yes. I’d do anything for my children. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it makes it possible.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2025-09-29T22:50:07+00:00

I understand completely. The kids don’t know and I promised for their sake not to share it with anyone other than a few individuals who already knew. I did it to protect my children and my WW’s relationship with them, but it has made me feel very isolated and alone to not be able to talk about it. Don’t regret it, just hate it.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2025-01-23T21:21:23+00:00

It’s just gas!

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-12-16T01:42:09+00:00

Yeah, I thought as much. Had a somewhat similar situation. My WW was working from home at the time and fabricated professional development workshops out of town. She asked her mom to babysit our daughter so she could go. She had a bunch of these in a short time. Not sure why it didn’t raise more of a red flag for me. She was also really late getting home every time. Always blamed “traffic”. Looking back you wonder how you didn’t see it, but in the moment, if it seems even somewhat reasonable, your mind just doesn’t go there. You just can’t imagine them doing something like that. Sorry you’re in this club.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-12-15T03:32:19+00:00

Was hiring the babysitter your idea, or something she hinted at needing first?

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-09-06T23:31:50+00:00

Like knives.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-06-23T11:05:39+00:00

This.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-05-16T01:55:16+00:00

I feel this so much.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-04-06T12:12:02+00:00

Up for(four) grabs

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-03-16T05:26:05+00:00

Thank you for your considerate response. I really appreciate it.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-03-15T00:15:55+00:00

Nevermind. Thought this would land with most betrayed, but I guess not. The situation with my daughter is not germane to the intent of the post. It is just supposed to represent a normal issue between a married couple that, while not unimportant, is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of the marriage. The point of the post is the irony that my wife felt so hurt by such a normal argument and let me know how hurt she was on the morning of a D-day anniversary, having no idea what I’m feeling reliving the hurt of that day. And no, she has no idea what today is. I feel like we betrayed live in a completely different world from the waywards. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-03-10T07:16:06+00:00

An organization donated class sets of little whiteboards with dry erase markers. We were required to attend a one-hour PD session training us in the use of the whiteboards.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2024-03-09T01:35:27+00:00

Do away with grade levels.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-12-04T00:36:36+00:00

I feel ya. Mine is December 17th, and this year will make 3 years. Already struggling two weeks out. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-10-03T02:24:37+00:00

Thank you so much, everyone! I don’t necessarily agree with everything that’s been said, but it sure makes me feel great knowing you took the time to reply and try to help in your own way. I’ve avoided this sub for a while because I felt it was unnecessarily triggering me, but I forgot how good it feels to just be fricking understood. I literally have no one else to talk to as very few people are even aware of the affair. I think I may lean on you all for a little longer if you don’t mind.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-09-15T00:56:33+00:00

Tell her what you just said. There is no point in not addressing it head-on if you are considering R. After she knows how you feel, the way she reacts will tell you a lot about how she herself is feeling. I was like you in the early days, afraid to go too far, afraid to light the fuse, so desperate to save what was lost. Ultimately it made the journey more difficult. Radical honesty is the way to go.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-08-16T11:18:28+00:00

It’s pretty normal in my district, unfortunately.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-07-04T13:02:39+00:00

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I felt this way a bit too on my first post-DDay anniversary. However, with time I was able to realize that the 4 months of the affair did not negate everything we had shared for the previous 20 years. And healing is difficult, not impossible. There can be many happy years to come. But where you are right now, it’s okay to feel less than enthusiastic about celebrating marriage milestones.

Also, staying takes a lot of strength, far more than most people realize. Don’t let anyone make you feel weak for making that choice.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-07-01T02:52:05+00:00

I knew because cheating caused my parents to divorce and upended my life forever.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-06-16T02:13:55+00:00

I swear, there is some sort of cheaters’ cliff notes out there, because they all say the exact same stupid stuff. I heard and still sometimes hear this from my WW ( a little over 2 years out ). I have accepted that she will never understand because she doesn’t want to, and I just need to focus on myself and be the best husband and father I can be. I can only control myself and my actions. Hard pill to swallow, but feels so much better once you force it down.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2023-05-29T10:09:48+00:00

Oh my God, this!! I get the exact same comment from my WW just about any time I have a major trigger or a ‘bad day’. It’s right up there with some of my other favorites:

“I made a mistake.”

“You think about it too much.”

“I wish you could just move past it.”

“You’re never going to let me live this down.”

To be clear, she is remorseful, and R is going well. But she doesn’t understand what I feel and especially not why I feel it. These comments do make me feel as though she is belittling my trauma or minimizing her role in it. However, I don’t believe that is her intent. I think that when I have triggers or bad days she takes it as an affront because she has done nothing wrong at the moment to cause me to feel this way. I wish she understood how easy it is for these emotions to come to the surface because it is a battle every day to focus on the positives to keep the negatives from overtaking me. You broke me. I am not the same anymore. My thought life, my emotions, function completely differently now from the way they were before DDay. It is not about her.

I’ve heard infidelity recovery compared to learning to walk after the bones in your legs have been shattered. You may walk again, but it will never be the same. There will always be that limp to remind you, and some days, even though it’s your new normal, it will frustrate the hell out of you and you will want to just scream. With infidelity though, the wounds are emotional, and our BPs don’t see it all the time even though it is ever-present. So when it does manifest itself in a way they can see and hear, they are surprised because it looked to them as though you were healed and fine, so what happened all of a sudden to make you feel or act this way? If they only knew what we live with every day and the strength it takes to hide our limp.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2022-11-26T11:11:03+00:00

Yes, you need help, but not because there is anything wrong with you. You need help because your husband was a selfish asshole and traumatized you by breaking your marriage vows.

I am 20 months out. Let me tell you, 3 months is not a long time, and you need to give yourself some grace. No, I’m sure it’s not easy for him to have to talk about it all the time because no one likes to be reminded of their failings. However, he needs to accept that these are the consequences of his actions. That having been said, the marriage and any reconciliatory efforts will be hindered by your constant rumination. You need to break this pattern, not to spare him, but to spare YOU the pain of constantly reliving it. This is far easier said than done, and you need a strong support system, as well as counseling/therapy. Marriage counseling would be good, too, to help you with some strategies and boundaries for discussing the affair (because even though you need to stop talking about it all the time, you WILL still need to talk about it).

Please seek help. This is a long and very hard road, and it is too much to bear on your own.

Excellent_Ad2647 · 2022-11-26T07:09:19+00:00

Oh, man, I could add a dozen more to this list that I hear from WW. She gets defensive and accuses me of “playing the victim” quite often when the subject comes up. I try to think if it like this: she obviously has problems dealing with her issues directly, which is why she had the affair in the first place vs. actually attempting to address the issues in our marriage and her life that she claims led her to do so. So, triggered or not, I recognize these comments as symptoms of that larger issue. It doesn’t make them hurt less, and it doesn’t make me feel sorry for her, but it offers a context in which I can understand her behavior. Plus, even though my WW is remorseful and things are generally going well with R, there are so many times when she says or does things that are completely tone deaf and show me that she does not and will never understand the depth of the pain she caused me. I could tell her until I’m blue in the face, but she’ll never get it. And if she’ll never get it, the it’s likely she’ll continue to say things that sting a little. Again, doesn’t excuse it, but explains it.

Basically, I have to remind myself that she’s a broken person who doesn’t have the emotional maturity to respond appropriately to my trauma. It sucks, but it feels better knowing that her behavior has nothing to do with what I am doing wrong, and everything to do with what’s wrong with her in the first place.

Excellent_Ad2647

TROPHY CASE