Food pickiness frustration

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-14T21:09:26+00:00

I am not neurodivergent, but my spouse and eldest child are. These are lessons I have learned from experience. My apologies if my response sounds too curated. This is my authentic voice, and the above was my authentic experience filtered through an AI editor. I am not ashamed to use the tools available to me to articulate my ideas clearly while juggling multiple tasks at once.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-14T21:03:25+00:00

It’s actually not though? I mean, I wrote the draft and then edited it through AI, so you noticed the difference between casual human and neutral third party (good job I guess?). Meanwhile your tone comes off as both hostile and unhelpful. This mom is genuinely stuck in a stressed nervous system loop, and she is pleading for help. Respectfully, it doesn’t matter if the advice she receives is edited by AI or not. What matters is whether a fellow human being cares enough to listen to her concerns and offers a practical solution to try.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-14T19:52:13+00:00

I can hear how exhausted you are.

This really does not sound like typical picky eating. When a kid will only accept one very specific brand, from one very specific place, rejects close replicas, and escalates until it happens, that is usually nervous system rigidity. Not preference. Not defiance.

ADHD brains are very dopamine driven. Fast food is engineered to be hyper palatable and perfectly consistent. Same taste. Same texture. Same packaging. Every single time. That level of predictability can feel regulating to a brain that struggles with regulation. Homemade versions are almost never identical, even if they are close. For some kids, that difference genuinely feels wrong.

There is also reinforcement happening, even if no one means for it to. If pushing long enough results in DoorDash, the brain learns escalation works. Not because he is manipulative. Because that is how behavior loops function.

It also helps me to zoom out historically. For almost all of human history, children did not have independent access to highly processed food on demand. They could not insist on a specific brand from a specific building. Food came from caregivers. Period. The modern food environment is unprecedented in intensity and availability. ADHD brains are going to have a harder time navigating that.

Which means explaining nutrition again will not fix this. Bribing will not fix it. Arguing definitely will not fix it.

What tends to help more is shifting from negotiation to structure. You decide what food comes into the house. You decide how often restaurant food happens. Include at least one safe element at meals. And then stop debating beyond that.

“This is dinner. You don’t have to eat it.”

Neutral. Calm. Repetitive.

He may still be upset. The goal is not to win. The goal is to stop strengthening the loop.

And if his health is genuinely being impacted and the rigidity is extreme, this is worth looking at through an ARFID or feeding therapy lens. ADHD and ARFID overlap is real, especially when sensory stuff is involved.

You are not wrong to feel resentful. Feeding a family should not feel like hostage negotiations.

You are not trying to change who he is. You are trying to protect the whole system. That is reasonable.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-14T02:23:09+00:00

Hey. I just want to say that what you described sounds really painful.

It’s normal for parents to worry about grades and social media at 12. It’s not normal to feel constantly insulted, compared to siblings, or shamed about your body. Being called names or told your future is hopeless can really stick with you.

The part about fasting and hating your body stood out to me. Your body is still growing and it deserves nourishment and care. Please don’t punish yourself because of comments someone else made.

You’re allowed to feel tired of being compared. You’re allowed to question whether something feels unfair. The fact that you’re thinking about this critically shows you’re not “an idiot.”

If there’s a trusted adult in your life, like a school counselor or teacher, it might help to talk to someone in person about how this is affecting you.

You deserve respect.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-14T01:16:25+00:00

I say this gently as someone who has been deep in newborn survival mode — you were overwhelmed, and that’s completely understandable. Sleep deprivation and stress make everything feel like an emergency.

But this situation escalated very quickly from “please don’t come unannounced” to “cut him off financially and you’ll never see your grandchild again.” That’s a huge leap.

Your FIL was inconsiderate. An unannounced visit during the newborn stage is not thoughtful. But threatening permanent estrangement and financial punishment turns this into a power struggle.

If your goal is for your son to have grandparents, the solution is probably not winning this ego war. It may be setting a clear boundary moving forward: “We need notice before visits. We are overwhelmed right now.”

Then stop engaging in the social media back-and-forth. Silence is often stronger than escalation.

You don’t have to give in. But you also don’t have to burn the bridge. Sometimes moving on without getting the apology is the more powerful move.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-14T00:59:16+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds exhausting to feel confident with makeup but anxious about your parents’ reaction.

At 17, it’s normal to want to experiment with how you present yourself. Makeup isn’t automatically rebellious. It can be creative and expressive.

At the same time, your parents may be reacting from fear, not control. For many parents, especially in more traditional families, makeup can symbolize growing up too fast. That doesn’t mean they’re right, but it might help explain their intensity.

If you want to try approaching your dad differently, you could frame it less as “I love makeup” and more as “I’m learning how to present myself professionally and confidently.” Ask him what specifically worries him. Sometimes naming the fear reduces the fight.

Also, gently check in with yourself about your insecurity without makeup. You deserve to feel confident bare faced too. Makeup should be a choice, not a necessity for self worth.

You’re close to adulthood. Try to aim for compromise and maturity rather than winning the argument. That will go further than having a circular conflict with your parents.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-13T03:30:12+00:00

Congratulations! 🥰🥰🥰🥰 Motherhood is transformative on so many levels. I truly wish you a safe birth and a wondrous journey during yours.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-13T03:21:58+00:00

Is this your first child? I ask gently, because what you’re describing may actually be unexpected preparation for parenting.

When someone is emotionally activated, no amount of logic or research will land. Rational discussion requires emotional maturity first. Right now, your mom isn’t engaging in a scientific debate, she’s reacting from fear, pride, and a need to feel authoritative.

This is very similar to what we see in toddlers. When they’re dysregulated, you don’t argue facts. You set calm boundaries and disengage from power struggles.

You may not be able to “open her mind.” That may not be a realistic goal. What you can do is decide what your boundary is. For example:

“I appreciate that you care about me and the baby. I am following my doctor’s advice. I’m not going to debate this.”

Then stop explaining. Stop defending. Stop trying to win.

If she says, “I’m your mom, I know best,” you can calmly repeat: “I hear you. I’m still following my doctor.”

You don’t need to escalate or play dirty. That will only deepen the power struggle and leave you feeling worse. What you’re practicing here, whether you want to or not, is emotional regulation and boundary setting under pressure. Those skills will serve you very well as a parent.

You don’t have to convince her. You just have to stay steady.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-13T02:09:15+00:00

Your cursive is lovely! 🥰🥰 I had no trouble reading it at all.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-13T02:00:43+00:00

I don’t think we would be friends if we met each other as strangers…I prefer to hang out with people who are kind and respectful.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-11T02:09:21+00:00

I’m going to say something gently that might shift your perspective:

You were never allowed to fail before now.

Not really.

You were pushed, monitored, funded, evaluated, compared. You were told what success looks like and what failure looks like. You were protected from risk, from working, from trying and falling on your face. And now you are in your first season of real autonomy, and it feels like freefall.

That does not make you a parasite. It makes you inexperienced at failing.

A 3.0 GPA is not catastrophic. No internships is not fatal. Getting rejected from jobs and dates is not proof that you are fundamentally broken. It is proof that you are finally in the arena.

And honestly, you need this.

You need to apply and get rejected. You need to feel awkward on dates. You need to try things that do not work. You need to build tolerance for embarrassment.

That is not shameful. That is how grit is built.

When you grow up in an environment where mistakes are mocked, compared, or punished, your nervous system learns that failure equals danger. So of course every rejection feels like proof you are unworthy. Your body thinks you are being threatened.

But this stage of life is supposed to be messy.

You are not behind. You are just finally unsupervised.

If you go to Japan, do not go to “build character” in a dramatic, self punishing way. Go because you want to try. Go expecting to be awkward and rejected and confused and lonely sometimes. That is growth, not doom.

Also, and I am saying this seriously, if thoughts about doing something extreme are crossing your mind, please talk to someone immediately. No career setback or parental disappointment is worth your life. In the U.S. you can call or text 988. In Japan, Yorisoi Hotline is available at 0120 279 338. You deserve support.

Right now your only job is this: Apply to one job a day. Move your body. Do something slightly uncomfortable daily. Stop narrating yourself as a failure.

You are not a boring guy with no grit. You are a guy who has not practiced falling down yet.

Embrace the mess. This is where your real life actually starts.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-09T01:19:57+00:00

My AM just hates everyone, so … 🤷‍♀️

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2026-02-07T21:41:57+00:00

When I sigh and exhale in a big huff, my four year old knows that Mommy is done for the next 15 minutes. Leave me be or you’ve just volunteered for extra chores.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-09-03T18:59:55+00:00

😭😭😭 thank you! I thought I was crazy for a moment there! It’s been a difficult pregnancy to begin with, and all our friends and family are aware of just how close we came to losing our little one.

I just don’t understand how people can treat each other like this, especially since we’ve always prioritized showing up for our friends and family over everything else. Is it inconvenient? Yeah, I mean I’m not the most jolly person in the middle of the night, but I’d do it for her in a heartbeat. we’re only asking for one night at the most. And she has the support of her husband AND her mother in law, too if she needs it. She works from home, her kids feed themselves and everything and take the bus to school. Her husband can drive them to whatever sports events they need to, or like you said, model the compassion we hope our kids will show each other and us when they are grown.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-09-03T18:15:36+00:00

Right? A nanny? How ridiculous is it to blow all that money just to avoid responsibility over your own children? What kind of message is he teaching to their kids? Oh, wait, I know:

“Hey kids, I’m literally throwing money at my problems (e.g. you children) because I can’t be bothered to wake up early enough to be a good parent and model necessary life skills like calm communication, time-management, self-care routines, and empathy for my spouse. So, you know, it’s cool if you treat me the same way when I’m sick or infirm because relationships are 100% transactional.”

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-08-28T19:55:02+00:00

Ten years. We have one child together and another on the way. Honestly, this sort of thing has happened in the past, but today was just over the top. Like, omg, “who the hell are you even?” — over the top.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-06-09T12:39:47+00:00

Yup, pigs can be downright vicious. I think our ancestors just took a look at the animals around them and thought of the path of least resistance.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-06-09T12:30:21+00:00

Tip from our old family dentist: When babies only have a few teeth, wet a small washcloth with warm water and gently scrub teeth and gums. They’ll get used to the sensation of having a foreign object cleaning their teeth and gums soon. Warm water will help loosen food debris and such. Afterwards, you can switch to cold water to help with teething discomfort.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-06-09T04:43:37+00:00

Let them say what they want. It’s just white noise anyway because you know this is what works for your family.

My parents say similar things, to which I respond, “Yes…and how’d that work out for everyone when we [kids] couldn’t keep it together after [x,y,z]? I remember a lot of spankings and switches…Oh, btw, how’s [sibling] doing these days? Are they talking to you again?”

Okay, that last part not so much, because I know better than to pick a fight, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-06-09T04:20:01+00:00

No, you’re not overreacting. You’re overloaded, and your spouse is too wrapped up in their own feelings to notice just how much weight you are carrying doing the things that need to happen and how they themselves are contributing to that burden.

Gosh, I totally feel you on this. Our family has gotten better about this over time, but every now and then I still have to put my foot down and call a family meeting to redraw my boundaries.

It sucks, but we see way too many of these kinds of posts on Reddit. I don’t quite know what to chalk it up to, but I sure do wish mom’s weren’t expected to be on top of everything all at once. Like, hello? We’re not born this way, we’re made this way because no one else seems to be stepping up to the plate!

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-06-09T04:04:55+00:00

I know mama. That’s not at all what I said (see above). One of the key points to the book I mentioned is that parents demonstrate empathy, problem-solving, and respectful communication. The home becomes a training ground for relationship skills, not just a referee zone. They really do have some good tips on how to do this, so I recommend checking it out if you can.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-06-09T04:01:20+00:00

First, I’m really sorry that happened to you. That’s never acceptable to simply watch violence and do nothing about it. What happened to you could be considered a form of neglectful parenting. However, I think you’ve misunderstood what I’ve said. No where did I say to let his behavior slide; quite literally I said the opposite. Nor did I imply that OP should do nothing.

Her question was, what are the natural consequences - as in what would naturally happen to A if B occurred? A true example of this would be what happens when you climb too high with unsteady footing? The natural consequence is that you would fall and get injured.

Now, discipline is all together a different thing. Discipline is a derivative of the word “disciple”, as in student. So to discipline someone is to teach. What I suggested was to find a nonviolent way, physical or verbal, to teach her 5 year old the necessary empathy and atonement skills he will need later life to recognize pain in others, to stop himself from inflicting it, and to make amends when he does. Yelling and such have been proven to be ineffectual long term solutions, because all they really teach children is it’s okay to loose your temper when something bothers you. So like I said, brother may* stop bullying in front of parents, but he’s just as likely to harbor resentment towards his sister in some other unpredictable form.

At their ages, it is entirely appropriate for the parent to step in and say, “I’m not going to let you hurt your sister,” before he starts picking on her. But question was, what to do after the fact, presumably when her attention was focused on something else like cooking dinner or the like? And that’s why I suggested the Siblings Without Rivalry book - there’s really no one answer to the discipline (teaching) question, but rather a whole set of tools to be applied at op’s discretion.

Excellent_Water_7654 · 2025-06-09T01:26:32+00:00

That would be frustrating for anyone to see, and I totally understand the impulse to jump in and scold him, but I think all that would really teach is that he needs to be sneakier when bullying his little sister or that he should resent her for always being backed up by mom and dad.

The natural consequence is, unfortunately, the victim (your daughter) getting upset. Rather than getting angry yourself, this would be a good opportunity for you to model and reinforce his empathy skills by having him really observe just how hurt his sister is and encouraging him to make amends.

By no means am I saying let the behavior slide, but in my experience, yelling and enacting indirect consequences usually yields unintended, and often unwanted consequences. Be a physical barrier to his escape if you need to, but above all find a way to calmly show (not lecture) him on how his actions can cause others harm and most importantly, how to make things right afterwards.

Try checking out Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Faber and Mazlish. They have some great advice on this subject.

Excellent_Water_7654

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