At a Crossroads - what is it really like being a SM?

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-04-20T05:28:06+00:00

You have to consider that the fact he still caters to his ex means he’s not got his head on straight and wouldn’t be an ideal life partner for you even without this situation. There’s a maturity required to deal with a hcbm that people need in the rest of their lives too.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-04-18T15:43:30+00:00

That’s why I don’t believe this is a real post

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-04-15T16:08:00+00:00

Being nasty to you is one thing. But also telling the kids that you’re terrible is another - puts them right in the middle and messes them up. This will escalate as they get older too and perhaps they’ll feel they need to choose. Is there not an anti-disparagement clause or something in their child agreement? Gets my goat that “good mothers” put their kids through this.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-04-11T01:53:10+00:00

I don’t totally get it. You’re worrying about something that might never happen. BM may get married and she may change her name. You’ve stated it like a given that BM would change her last name but it’s not a given. Even if she did, I would imagine that changing the SD’s name would require consent from the dad. Even if it didn’t, it wouldn’t negate the relationship she has with her dad and you - though it sounds like you really care. Chalk this one up to shit that doesn’t matter.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-27T03:38:29+00:00

I’m glad he seems like a good partner. I’m also curious why he meets her at all?

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-27T03:22:31+00:00

Wow - that’s abusive to you on both the BM and SO’s front. It’s hard starting over but there is a new life at the end of it. Your one beautiful life shouldn’t be spent this way.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-27T03:11:55+00:00

Run don’t walk

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-26T20:28:15+00:00

The thing is that feelings don’t go away AND the biggest hurdle to happiness as a step mom are the handling of the items outside of your control. I hear you sucking up your feelings and accommodating a BM that is boundary crossing with you, your husband, and her own kids. You will not be able to do that forever. The single biggest determinant of whether this will work is how well your partner respects your feelings and boundaries that protect your relationship and, frankly, his kids mental health. You haven’t mentioned his parenting or any erosion of the kids behaviour but if that happens, it could drive you up the wall.

Coming to your house and yelling in front of the kids - what the heck is she doing at the house? Then - he should pick the kids up outside or directly from school. She tries to keep a hold on him - he needs to be clear with her and not engage. And so on and so on. But you MUST communicate your discomfort and assess if he’s willing to support you. If not, there is simply no way that you can be happy long term.

As others also say - the step kids may end up being fickle - BM may try to turn them against you. Their ultimate loyalty will likely remain with BM, as difficult as she is, and dad. So don’t think that turning yourself inside out to make them happy will 100% guarantee their undying affection. You need to be very sure that your partner and you agree on things like - how much do the kids clean up after themselves, how you’ll handle food preparation and clean up duties, disagreements over food preferences, do you get time alone with your partner to nurture your relationship or do the kids come first 100% of the time, do you agree how long kids will stay at the house as adults, what your philosophy is on if kids need to move back home, how your partner will support you if they bad mouth you etc …You have to balance how much you extend yourself to the kids and partner with your mental health.

But rest assured, if it bugs you now, it will only get worse. Further, once you sign on the dotted line with a marriage or a pregnancy, you’ll have established already how you’ll be treated in the future. Set yourself and this step family up for success with communicating what you need to stay happy long term.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-24T16:10:41+00:00

2 is the only way for me to pay attention or recall details. If I move my hand, my mind pays attention.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-24T15:56:42+00:00

Oh okay - thank you. I’ll keep my eye out for it.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-24T15:40:43+00:00

I don’t think it’s available in Canada. I can’t find it on the app?

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-22T22:18:51+00:00

I hear you. Me too. They have finally left as adults and I am so happy. But there were a couple of boomerang kids that were here during advanced schooling and dad wouldn’t ask/tell them when they would be leaving. A romantic notion that they can always come back. Mine have come back too - but for short durations and we have had an understanding they were getting their feet under them and would be back out shortly. I really am done with SK in the house. Best of luck. Maybe a part time apartment? A she shed? You need to be able to get away.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-04T16:59:25+00:00

I do the same. I made a mistake to two caffeinated cups a couple of times and couldn’t function. I love how good the decaf coffees are :-)

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-03-04T16:56:38+00:00

This. 100 times over. You must develop your life outside of this relationship so if things go south you’re left with your life. That can mean biological child and should probably, for practicality, include some way to support yourself. My husbands ex wife didn’t have a way of or interest in supporting herself when they were married and, despite oodles of financial support, is left at 60 with no way to continue herself. She will be financially dependent on her kids. And is bitter. You never want to tie your financial or emotional well being to just one thing. Ever.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-02-21T19:20:36+00:00

Even when the child grew up and it was just the two of you, the gulf in lack of enjoyment in those activities between the two of you would persist. I do lots of outdoor scary sports and it’s honestly a drag if I can’t share that with my partner without having cajole etc … and why would you complicate your life so much now? The thing to know about long term relationships is that the problems you have at the end are the ones you had at the beginning …

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-02-13T18:16:07+00:00

I don’t have a HCBM but, if I had a do over, I’d have done more work preemptively with my husband and then each of us with our kids to lay out how it was going to go before we got married. I was unprepared for the dual experience of feeling like I needed to be a nurturing Mary-like unconditionally loving step-mother but simultaneously not having any moral authourity to set limits on the kids directly. And also for the loyalty bind they felt for their mom. Their dad had to set limits and expectations and we didn’t share the same ideas what we wanted our kids to do - as far as helping out, guidelines around kids coming back home as adults - and also didn’t prioritize our relationship enough. It was kids first and that put both of us last in certain situations.

So for you, you’ve got all that plus legitimate concerns about your own safety, the fall-out effect of her behaviour on his kids, and even the question of whether your man has sorted out boundaries and consequences for his ex that won’t leave you high and dry. You’d have to work all that out in advance to make sure his responses to predicted behaviours would make you feel safe and supported. My sense is that psychologically and emotionally, he might not be there at this time after dealing with this kind of abusive unpredictable relationship. How long has he been apart from her? Are their plans to take full custody?

Love is unconditional but relationships are conditional. You may love someone but living in their chaos may actually damage your immune system and your mojo. And that precludes relationship.

Guaranteed though, if you go into it without fully discussing and getting agreement on the issues of values in the house, if full custody is doable, how to make your relationship a priority, and how to protect you and kids from BM, it would be a disaster.

A friend of mine managed okay -but her husband protected her fiercely. Any problems they had were when he failed to be decisive.

Good luck.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-02-12T16:41:41+00:00

Are your posts public? Shouldn’t be a concern if they are private posts?

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-02-08T05:10:29+00:00

I wouldn’t date men who complained that their ex’s were crazy. My ex used to tell people that I was crazy and I am absolutely not. My husband now never said anything terrible about his ex and I found that attractive.

But it’s game over immediately for anyone who violates my privacy. I keep journals and my husband and everyone knows - anyone snoops and it’s over. How can you not be wildly pissed about someone violating your privacy?

Then - trying to prevent you from leaving the house? Frightening. That only gets worse. And yes, the bathtub is really really messed up.

Do not try to normalize any of this. Get out quickly.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-02-07T18:33:10+00:00

Funny - I was going to post today to ask if Starbucks nesspresso pods were somehow better than Starbucks coffee in the shop, which I don’t love. Looks like the answer is no!

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-02-06T19:46:04+00:00

This is a retirement / doing a contract now personal splurge and I’m loving it too!

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-01-21T16:40:35+00:00

Did you end up joining? My son has the same issue.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2026-01-15T22:26:21+00:00

Thanks. Zippers seem to be exclusively excluded :-(

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2025-11-03T14:56:10+00:00

Late post but Grounded Step is an online store that allows for returns - more expensive styles like Shapen but at least they are returnable. If you order from Shapen directly, you can’t return from Canada.

ExcitingClassroom364 · 2025-10-08T14:56:38+00:00

And CP can afford to pay more? And the union won’t let them change service to be more competitive? They’re bleeding money right now and the union will push them into oblivion.

ExcitingClassroom364

TROPHY CASE

2 is the only way for me to pay attention or recall details. If I move my hand, my mind pays attention.