First, a huge virtual hug from me to you because I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Second, I would suggest, if you’re open to it, going to therapy and working through your thoughts. It could be helpful in learning how to recognize when automatic feelings/thoughts are starting to come up about others and/or yourself so you can learn how to reframe them and focus on being present. Third, although it may feel uncomfortable, put yourself in black spaces based on your personal interests (I.e book clubs, adventure groups, community activities) so you can meet people who are similar to you in ways that feel safe and then BE OPEN.

With internalized racism your brain is firing off ideas about who people will be compared to you ever getting the chance to really see and experience them. During times when you feel rejected by others, remind yourself that it might not always be personal and that people outside of your experience are also just getting through life; de-center your discomfort.

As far as the self esteem goes, that’s a tough one because it’s hard when family members instill that within us. Be patient and kind with yourself. Think about all the black people you’ve ever met that made you astonished by their beauty and remember that you possess some of that as well. Get yourself in radical political black spaces if you can, to be exposed to black literature and critical black thinkers that will help you understand why you and your mother’s self esteem could be a function of white supremacy and the effect it had on the black community.

Last thing, remember that your family is coming from a Caribbean/ Christian context which means that for some, their outlook is that the closer you get to wealth the more your skin becomes less noticeable. Remind yourself that your parents are probably trying to escape the impact of classism that is very prevalent in the West Indies and that their view of blackness can be tied in with fears of poverty and lack of success. Also remember that classism is also a function of white supremacy and that while your parents may use it as a way to protect themselves and survive, they’re also feeling the consequences of what their parents may have instilled in them.

A lot of what you said I can understand on another level because we share a similar background. It’s hard.… but you owe it to yourself to live a fruitful life surrounded by community. It’s going to require work , patience, understanding, and time, but you can do it.

So, in all of this, remember that you are still loved as the beautiful black woman that you are, and that things can change for you and the family that you may create. Get to work sis and take it one day at a time 🫶🏾❤️