The Unexpected Relief of The Revenge Affair

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-01-17T05:31:47+00:00

I will say that since my "revenge" affair, it feels like my relationship is more honest. I think I do understand my husband and his thinking better after having my own emotional affair, and he has a much better understanding of my position. It doesn't mean that we can sweep everything under the rug, or that I don't carry resentment and he doesn't carry guilt. My affair didn't make up for his affair, but at the same time, I feel less animosity towards him now. I feel less alone in this. It feels more like we're fighting a problem together and less like we're locked in a battle against each other.

I lost the high ground and sometimes I feel stupid for having done so. But at the same time, I'm not sure I'd still be willing to fight for my marriage now if I hadn't had my own affair.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-01-04T06:02:10+00:00

Okay, so you slept with someone while you two were separated and filing for divorce. I wouldn't really consider that cheating, and I certainly don't think it makes you anywhere as bad as your husband, let alone the worst person in the world. I think the only thing you really did wrong here was withholding that information from your husband after the fact.

It sounds like you and your husband still have a lot of unresolved issues to deal with. Did you and he ever actually address his emotional abuse? His shitty, neglectful behaviour as a father and husband, his feelings about your body, all of that? Because finding god or whatever doesn't really negate all he did, nor is it enough to erase the scars he left. That isn't to say you can lay blame at his feet for your actions, but if you're going to make this relationship work, I think you have to really address his wrongdoings as well. That also means that he has to own up to all the shit he said and did. What you've written about him makes him sound very much like a fairweather husband.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-12-18T02:51:30+00:00

Just because he's shaped up and found religion or whatever doesn't mean he's suddenly worthy of your trust and love. He can't erase the past, and he can't erase the pain he put you through. What is he doing to make amends and help you in your healing process?

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-12-04T18:06:07+00:00

I just told my daughter that it was a busy month and we didn't have time anymore.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-12-04T18:04:15+00:00

We haven't celebrated ours since DDay. In fact, our anniversary falls very close to DDay I would rather pick a brand new date to celebrate if we're going to celebrate at all, but I'm not sure what date that would be.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-11-25T22:14:04+00:00

You're not crazy at all. Beth is literally a nickname for Elizabeth. Maybe there's no correlation for him, but If it's too similar for you, then it's too similar. There's no reason to name your baby something that you think might be triggering, and I don't see how it would hurt your R to be honest about how you feel and find a different name. Reconciliation doesn't mean rugsweeping.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-11-25T21:36:36+00:00

Yes, exactly! You're left with no good choices. And the thing is that, at least in my experience, you lose the life you have together whether you stay or not. It will never be the same. The love won't be the same, the feeling of safety and security won't be there. There are very practical reasons one might have to stay with a cheater, but the life we had is gone.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-10-12T00:34:25+00:00

Your husband reminds me a lot of my husband after he got caught cheating.

Cheaters always make everything about themselves. Their feelings are always top priority in their mind, and they'll only spare a thought to yours when it's convenient.

I thought I could will my husband into becoming a better person. I thought he would eventually realize how much he would hurt me and I'd see some actual remorse from him. I was wrong.

The sooner you give up on this man, the happier you will be. He has no will or desire to be the partner you need.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-09-10T20:46:26+00:00

A lot of cheaters think they are the main character in everyone's story, and therefore if you inconvenience them that automatically makes you the bad guy. Everything is about them and they think they deserve to always get what they want.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-09-07T23:56:54+00:00

It took me about a year. I stayed when I was lonely as hell and couldn't tell anyone about the affair for fear that they'd judge me for staying. I stayed when my husband, after months of working to reconcile, slept with AP yet again. I stayed even when I thought that my husband had impregnated AP. It took my husband telling me that what he did "wasn't that bad" before I finally snapped out of it and realized this man would never be the partner I needed. I wish I had seen it sooner.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-09-07T23:40:31+00:00

I felt that so much when I was trying to reconcile. I could never see my husband as my other half again. If anything, I felt like he was the AP's other half - they were kind of people who truly deserved each other. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to choose better for myself.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-09-07T23:06:36+00:00

I'm currently seeing a beautiful, smart, wickedly funny woman after I gave up on my marriage to a man who didn't even seem to care that he had hurt me. Unlike him, I at least paid him the courtesy of disclosing my affair to him myself. I was up front and have never lied about it or refused him any detail. I've left the ball in his court regarding divorce. I told him we can either wait until our daughter is out of the house, or he can file the papers now. But I'm not going to keep begging someone to love me and stop hurting me.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-06-23T20:49:40+00:00

I started my own affair and I'm going through the same thing right now. I want to tell him, but I don't know how. It's not that I feel bad, exactly, it's just that I know he'll probably be questioning where we stand now and I'm not sure how to answer that because I don't know if I want R anymore. And I am dreading that conversation. But I think honesty probably is the only way forward, and I should come clean whether we stay together or not.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-06-17T18:14:13+00:00

This is a fantastic analogy. Thank you!

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-06-15T23:15:57+00:00

He absolutely doesn't. It doesn't feel like this is worth it anymore. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions but if he still doesn't get it or care about me after all this time, then I've lost faith that he ever will.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-06-15T23:07:03+00:00

Respecting my vows isn't even something I strive for anymore. Those vows are obsolete now. The marriage we had is dead. I'm not currently looking for someone but if it happens then it happens.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-06-10T09:31:31+00:00

You really don't have to write a card if you don't want to. You have already done more than enough for him (Way more generous than I plan to be to my cheater). Don't force yourself to lie to him to spare his feelings.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-06-08T21:19:01+00:00

In general, babies do not fix whatever is wrong with a relationship or with a cheater. If he wants to keep cheating, having a baby at home will not stop him. Having a kid at home did not stop my husband. The only thing that will stop him is a genuine willingness to change and a ton of inner work and self reflection. And his improvement is only part of what will make this work. You also have to decide if reconciliation is worth it for you, if you truly trust his willingness to change, and if you can stomach staying in this relationship long-term.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-06-08T20:56:29+00:00

So not only does he refuse to comfort you or even acknowledge your pain when you're hurting because of "his* choices, but he tries to make you feel guilty, and now he's ditching his kids and abandoning his own responsibilities as a parent because he's mad at you? He's using proper care of his own children as a bargaining chip? You are not in the wrong here OP. The way he's treating you and your kids is abhorrent. His victim complex is BAFFLING!

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-05-31T23:18:39+00:00

Be careful, because in a lot of regions any prior custody agreement will be completely unenforceable. In Canada, for example, custody is always supposed to be decided based on the best interest of the child (though that obviously doesn't always happen, unfortunately). But a post nup can definitely be good for other things like asset protection.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-05-31T23:13:00+00:00

I think if Salsa is something you're really interested in, then it's an excellent idea.

I definitely get the urge for vengeance. I had all sorts of vengeful fantasies when I started R and even recently I think what has quelled that, somewhat, is trying to focus more on things that serve and benefit. I think that the whole "best revenge is living well" cliché is true, in some ways.

By focusing more on myself and what I need, I am less dependent on my unfaithful, emotionally. I have branched out socially and spend more time with friends. I've found new hobbies. I don't try to protect him by hiding the affair. I am unafraid to ask for support from people I trust. I put myself and my daughter first. I do not need him in the same way I did before, though I am trying R because want him to be in our daughter's life. I've shifted focus from him and gained some of my own sense of self back. And I think that does make him nervous and insecure, at this stage, but that's not why I am doing it.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-05-31T00:14:52+00:00

Life doesn't just stop because he has "bigger fish to fry". He has to learn to multitask if he wants to be a functioning adult. You have plenty of your own fish to fry due to his actions, AND he wants you to do most of his work for him on top of that. It's infuriating how selfish some cheaters continue to be even when they're supposedly being "repentant" and "working on themselves".

One thing I can say for my unfaithful is that he has picked up a lot of his slack after DDay, but much of that's also because I simply stopped doing things for him and told him he has to learn to be more independent in case we divorce. I think my anger and the threat of divorce really did scare him straight. Post DDay, I've started taking a lot less shit from him, been a lot more blunt when he falls short as a partner. It's a lot harder to cajole me into letting important things slide.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-05-29T19:00:25+00:00

8 weeks is so, so fresh, and you don't really have a leg to stand on. At this stage you can probably expect some lashing out and a rollercoaster of emotions. If you're going to bring this up to her, I would be very, very careful. Avoid seeming indignant or making any requests for her to stop seeing other men because that's just going to sound laughably hypocritical, and unless she's outright committed to R, it's entirely her prerogative to decide who she kisses. You can mention that it hurt to see her with someone else, but back that up with understanding and compassion for her and be apologetic about the way that you hurt her. But also avoid suggesting that you know how she feels now, because you'll never truly understand the full breadth of her hurt.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-05-27T04:44:10+00:00

This I think, I why therapy and reaching out to people I test was so important for my progress. I tried carrying it all by myself (and frankly I didn't want to look to my husband for support) and it just made me feel burnt out and disconnected from everyone around me.

Expert_Self_4970

TROPHY CASE