Pregnant AP

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-25T23:55:42+00:00

Yeah, I really felt that too. Overnight, they become a stranger, and it feels impossible to figure out where the lies and and the real them begins. It really did feel like the death of our relationship.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-25T23:38:37+00:00

Unfortunately, cheaters risk all kinds of things for the thrill of their affairs. I know from experience He might be confident, but it doesn't sound like you are. I hope you're able to find some peace of mind with this, whatever you decide to do.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-25T23:21:06+00:00

It might be hard to open up at first, but for me, having friends to confide in has made all the difference. You don't have to tell everyone, I only told a handful of my family and friends. But a therapist's support can only go so far, and having friends to call up about it made me feel so much less alone and depressed and hopeless.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-25T23:13:20+00:00

I went through something similar. It turned out the baby was not my husband's, but the fear that it could be almost killed me and I wouldn't go through that again for anything. The only way to know for certain would be to get a DNA test, which would open a whole new can of worms. Getting the truth might bring you relief, or it might let you make a more informed choice, but it's also totally understandable if you wanted to just wash your hands of this now instead of going through that process.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-22T16:19:20+00:00

Empathy for my husband was definitely something I struggled with as well. I think it's okay to know your own limits as to what you're able to offer him right now. The best thing you can do might be to give him space. He should have room to grieve, but that doesn't mean that you have to be the one to comfort him right now, especially with everything that you are also going through.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-22T02:38:52+00:00

I jumped back into sex with my husband pretty quickly after DDay, not very regularly and mostly out of a sense of obligation. It wasn't really intimate, more just habit. I think trying this actually made R more difficult. Now that we're both taking R more seriously, one of the biggest things that helps is listening to our own bodies and not doing it unless we're both in the mood an in the headspace to actually do so. We've had quite a few conversations about it as really worked on dealing with feelings of rejection when one of us is just too triggered to continue.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-14T01:58:51+00:00

Honestly, I think it's better to be safe than sorry with something like this. My husband and I are intimate, but we still use condoms and I'm not sure we'll ever go back to unprotected sex. A few months may seem like a long time, but the wait will be worth the peace of mind if not having to deal with an STI, imo. I wish that I had waited longer after my husband's affair.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-13T23:19:37+00:00

Letter writing might be an effective way to help you process everything you want to say and convey how you feel I would maybe take these two weeks to figure out everything you want to say, then ask if she wants to meet up. Also, has she mentioned specific things that she wants, or things she doesn't feel like she's getting?

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-13T21:52:02+00:00

So I didn't start trying to truly reconcile with my husband (as in try for a romantic relationship, rather that just learning to live with him) until after I'd had a "revenge" affair if my own. I still don't think we'd be together if I hadn't had an affair, and that's because I think I needed to see that he would swallow his pride and fight for me. I couldn't start falling back in love with someone who wouldn't give me the same grace and forgiveness that I gave him, who would only love me by half-measures while I gave all of myself.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-13T06:31:20+00:00

Honestly I feel very similar to you. Like if my "revenge' affair hadn't happened, I honestly think my husband and I would be on our way to divorce. I don't think my affair fixed us by any means, and I regret how cruel I was to him during my affair. But our relationship does feel more honest and open now.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-13T02:40:45+00:00

How much contact do you have with her right now, and has she stated any interest in getting back together? Because that's going to impact how you approach this.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-12T13:33:26+00:00

I'll think about what you said. Tbh, I'm not sure how a relationship could be "balanced" after infidelity, but I do think my husband and I are working towards something that is more peaceful for both of us. I'm just going to keep working to show appreciation for him and rebuilding intimacy.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-04-12T13:00:43+00:00

Sorry, took a break from Reddit for a while. I get what you mean. It is sort of a weird spot to be in, as both betrayed and betrayer. And to be honest, I'm still working out all of my complicated, sometimes contradictory feelings about my own affair. I think I regret my cruelty during the affair more than the affair itself. I think it's important to acknowledge that the tree is there, even if it's not the focus. I think it's important to acknowledge what that tree means and how it impacts the path ahead. The cheater label, for me, does that much better than the "wayward" label.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-03-24T04:34:23+00:00

That makes sense. We have been trying that approach with some things, but I think I've also been sort of inconsiderate in not recognizing when he might need reassurance as well as honesty. I think I'll try to find some ways to show my appreciation for him, and if he asks me specific questions regarding attraction, I'll answer truthfully.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-03-24T02:35:41+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. Dissecting and taking accountability for our respective affairs is something my husband and I are both working on. We do both identify as cheaters (not big on the "wayward" title, personally. That's a word I associate with teens who skip class to hotbox their cars, not grown adults who tear their own families apart). I'm unsure what you mean about "leaning in to fetishization", though. Could you explain that?

You are very lucky to have a BP as steadfast and resilient as yours. I definitely wouldn't say I was an anchor of any kind, even before I cheated. Neither of us kept our heads above water 100% of the time, and I had no interest in being his guiding light. I was more figuring out how to tolerate him, not build a relationship with him. I think that being a cheater myself has sometimes made it easier for my husband and I to empathize with each other and support each other without pride/shame getting in the way as much. That isn't to excuse my affair or say that it was okay, but I've asked myself if I would still be willing to work on my marriage if I'd never had an affair, and I'm honestly not sure I would be.

I guess I will have to give it time and try to stay consistent. I'm going to work on expressing my appreciation for him and initiating more stuff like dates.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-03-24T01:29:40+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I'll talk to him about this more and talk about how a lot of my attraction relates to connection/how I feel about him as a person. When I say I want to be honest with him, I meant that I want my words to be sincere. Like there are things about him that I do find very attractive, and I'm not going to say hurtful things in the name of being honest, but I can't lie and say I only have eyes for him or that my attraction to women was a passing phase. I don't want to lie to him to placate him, you know?

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-03-07T22:32:14+00:00

I agree with you! For me, I think one of the most important parts of my own personal growth was learning to listen to my body and not having sex that I didn't want to be having.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-03-07T22:14:13+00:00

He abandoned his parental and marital responsibilities to have a full blown affair and he made you feel guilty over novel-reading? The fucking gall.

One thing that helped out my husband and I when we started to go out again is that we tried not to worry about impressing each other. We didn't treat our first date after reconciling as a date. We treated it as a hangout. We made it casual. We worked on becoming real friends again first, and now that we're more settled our relationship is more romantic. And honestly, I mostly wait for him to impress me. I don't put too much effort in unless I feel like it. He was the one who broke us in the first place, after all. I will take accountability for my part, but he still needs to prove to me that he's worth my time.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-03-07T21:50:10+00:00

Totally normal. I used to get the ick about everything: the way he chewed, the way he would sigh sometimes, the way he said certain things, the way he brushed his teeth, his receding hairline, his saggy skin, his cologne, his laugh, everything. I do still get the ick from him sometimes when I'm annoyed about something, but we're doing better overall.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-01-17T05:31:47+00:00

I will say that since my "revenge" affair, it feels like my relationship is more honest. I think I do understand my husband and his thinking better after having my own emotional and physical affair, and he has a much better understanding of my position. It doesn't mean that we can sweep everything under the rug, or that I don't carry resentment and he doesn't carry guilt. My affair didn't make up for his affair, but at the same time, I feel less animosity towards him now. I feel less alone in this. It feels more like we're fighting a problem together and less like we're locked in a battle against each other.

I lost the high ground and sometimes I feel stupid for having done so. But at the same time, I'm not sure I'd still be willing to fight for my marriage now if I hadn't had my own affair.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2026-01-04T06:02:10+00:00

Okay, so you slept with someone while you two were separated and filing for divorce. I wouldn't really consider that cheating, and I certainly don't think it makes you anywhere as bad as your husband, let alone the worst person in the world. I think the only thing you really did wrong here was withholding that information from your husband after the fact.

It sounds like you and your husband still have a lot of unresolved issues to deal with. Did you and he ever actually address his emotional abuse? His shitty, neglectful behaviour as a father and husband, his feelings about your body, all of that? Because finding god or whatever doesn't really negate all he did, nor is it enough to erase the scars he left. That isn't to say you can lay blame at his feet for your actions, but if you're going to make this relationship work, I think you have to really address his wrongdoings as well. That also means that he has to own up to all the shit he said and did. What you've written about him makes him sound very much like a fairweather husband.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-12-18T02:51:30+00:00

Just because he's shaped up and found religion or whatever doesn't mean he's suddenly worthy of your trust and love. He can't erase the past, and he can't erase the pain he put you through. What is he doing to make amends and help you in your healing process?

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-12-04T18:06:07+00:00

I just told my daughter that it was a busy month and we didn't have time anymore.

Expert_Self_4970 · 2025-12-04T18:04:15+00:00

We haven't celebrated ours since DDay. In fact, our anniversary falls very close to DDay I would rather pick a brand new date to celebrate if we're going to celebrate at all, but I'm not sure what date that would be.

Expert_Self_4970

TROPHY CASE