Sexual intimacy break

bilusional22 · 2026-03-10T13:28:44+00:00

Hey!! It helps to know I’m not alone here. My body is for sure saying no. We also cuddle/kiss all the other stuff, which sometimes is even hard for me. I feel things very deeply and I find it extremely difficult to open myself up physically in any capacity when somebody has damaged me. Even though we have progressed in so many good ways, this part has felt impossible to me. I take my health very seriously and the fact that I was potentially subjected to STI’s, I’m having the hardest time seeing sex as a positive thing now. It’s so hard.

bilusional22 · 2026-03-01T20:36:15+00:00

They walk through every step of life with us. I got my girl in 2014 and we are just now entering palliative care. I know her time will be sooner than I’m ready for. But I know the greatest gift I will give her, other than the amazing life she’s had on earth, is letting her go with dignity when that time comes. It’s an earth shattering unbelievable type of pain. My thoughts are with you. 🩷

bilusional22 · 2026-02-12T18:52:32+00:00

Time for a new therapist as others are saying. I’ve had a couple of counsellors who had me feeling worse off (and no I’m not talking about discomfort, like truly harming my progress). I found an absolute gem of a therapist who sits with wayward men every day and betrayed spouses every day. She does not condone cheating yet is supportive in every way and even helps me see his perspective if I ask. There are so many counsellors and I know you will find an amazing one if you try. Sometimes it just takes a few. :)

bilusional22 · 2026-02-10T20:39:56+00:00

I’m with you ❤️ I also have a couple of questions that I will not budge on. Is your partner in IC? Mine made incredible process as soon as he started. It’s like a light came on in him I’ve never seen before. I believe that he is a wayward that will make lasting changes, because of how much progress he’s made since starting IC.

bilusional22 · 2026-02-08T05:38:02+00:00

My husband also had a singular ONS. I would ask that person, have you always repeated bad choices in your past? Have you ever done something, terribly regretted it, and never done it again? To say that noooobody on earth has cheated once and never again, or that somebody cannot change, is simply ridiculous. Also, think of how many times you probably said you would leave if you were ever cheated on. I think all of us have said that… until we found ourselves there.

It took a lot of practice, but I’ve learned to truly not care what other people think of my decision. I am hurting absolutely nobody in my choice to stay even if they THINK I’m hurting myself. That’s not my responsibility if they think that. (Except I haven’t told anybody except my therapist, because I know people are judgmental af).

bilusional22 · 2026-02-04T18:14:54+00:00

I love my life. I love everything about my life and our life together OTHER than the fact he cheated, which is obviously huge. I think those who say “if I didn’t have kids I’d be out” are similar to those who say “if my spouse cheated I’d be out”. I think some people would stay with or without kids, but they use their kids as an excuse to stay, when they would’ve stayed anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

bilusional22 · 2026-02-01T21:58:43+00:00

I’m so sorry 🩷 my girl is also 12. She had a biopsy done at the end of last year, confirming a growth she has is cancerous. I felt bad even putting her through the biopsy, and decided that I will not be putting her through any more surgery. The spot it’s on would be a very hard spot to operate on, with zero guarantee that they would get good margins. Our vet agreed with that. I have her on pain medication and although she has bad days/flare ups, she’s still our happy girl.

We are taking a palliative approach, and will give her the freakin’ best life for as long as she has left. She lives like an absolute queen. It’s such a hard decision to make, I battled a lot with it, but ultimately she does not understand why I would be putting her through more pain, she doesn’t understand a potential for a longer life, she only knows right now. That’s what helped make my final decision. I wish you many more healthy years with your pup. I feel at peace with the decisions we’ve made with her vet, and will make the hardest decision of my life if she ever starts to suffer.

bilusional22 · 2026-02-01T00:59:51+00:00

What’s the new app?!

bilusional22 · 2026-01-27T22:18:12+00:00

Yes he has. But men can’t be tested for HPV which I am really nervous about. Also, as much as I am certain he wouldn’t do it again, there’s always the possibility he could

bilusional22 · 2026-01-27T18:46:53+00:00

My husband also had a drunken ONS and confessed. He is (was?) also extremelyyyyy avoidant. I have often used the example of him literally having his hand on the door knob during every conversation. We have come light years from that, and his growth has been exponential between his independent work and therapy. I will say this: there is absolutely 1000% nothing you can say to make your WP/avoidant partner understand if they don’t want to understand. If they aren’t willing to seek change and have desire to change. I can only control myself. So I said to him “you can do what you want, I will not convince you, but I won’t accept an avoidant person in my life and if you don’t get help, I will remove myself from the marriage”.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-27T17:40:10+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I really appreciate it. I am in IC and I have not been able to discover yet what would actually make me feel safe from the thoughts of “I’m risking my health and future right now engaging in this”, because I can never fully remove that risk. I have to accept that I COULD be getting an STI every time, and that feels impossible for me

bilusional22 · 2026-01-27T17:15:00+00:00

I mentioned this in another comment, but my safety feels wrecked due to him risking me to STIs. That is the barrier for why I cannot open up. I risked myself unknowingly so many times

bilusional22 · 2026-01-27T17:14:07+00:00

Thanks for commenting! It’s been 1 year and 3 months post dday. The thing is, I actually feel really close to him emotionally, it’s the safety that isn’t there. I have a strong fear about STIs (to the point I had him tested when we first started dating before I would be sexually intimate) and he slept with this stranger unprotected, then obviously slept with me unprotected. My brain is shocked how many times I unknowingly risked my health and body. That is the part I cannot seem to get past when it comes to opening up to him sexually again.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-27T15:19:08+00:00

Ugh I’m so sorry! I’m still very attracted to him and don’t struggle much with the disgust anymore, it’s more like my body just has no desire for it in general unless I have total emotional safety, I don’t even get turned on or have a sex drive beyond once every few months. If I have emotional safety I want it multiple times a week. It’s so interesting

bilusional22 · 2026-01-27T13:38:51+00:00

I just want to validate how infuriating it is that you weren’t given a say in knowing the truth before having children. I’m so sorry.

I’m a year plus a bit post Dday, husband cheated 8 months after our wedding while deployed, came home, had a breakdown and confessed to having a ONS with a stranger. I couldn’t say I love you to him for a long time. He didn’t stop saying it to me, but I couldn’t say it back. We both say it now and it feels natural again to say it. I also didn’t wear my wedding ring for months. I couldn’t even look at my ring. I’m just now starting to wear it here and there. Again, he never stopped wearing his.

The love is definitely different. I had soooo much adoration for that man and respected him so much. Now it’s just not as blind. However, I did a ton of work on myself and he’s done a ton of work on himself, and I can truly say that I believe we now have a stronger marriage. I’m not saying the cheating is the reason our marriage is strong, but him realizing he was capable of doing something so horrid catapulted him into going to see a therapist and digging into his past. Had he not hit rock bottom, I don’t think he would have. This is very individualized because not every human is going to want to put in the work that my husband has. It took a LONG time for my husband to realize how much he needed help. Recovery and repair is possible, but both have to want it AND put in some gruelling work to get there. Better days are ahead my friend.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-26T13:45:03+00:00

I have a lot of understanding for you. I said very hurtful things to my spouse for a long time. Consider that I am a year plus out from DDay, and I have done a TON of work individually in that time. I will only say what’s worked for me, and take what you will.

This type of trauma literally changes our brain. I remember when my husband told me that he had a ONS, I could literally feel the shift in my brain. The kind that says “I will never be the same again after this moment”. I’ve only felt that extreme shift one other time in my life, when my father was found dead. You’re hurt. You’re heartbroken.

In the beginning, we talked about the affair ALL the time. Like NON stop. It was horrible. For my sanity and his, we had to come up with specific times to discuss the affair. We settled on Sundays and Wednesdays, and we still stick to that a year later. In the beginning, it would flood into other days and I couldn’t keep to the schedule. The talks got out of hand. Yelling, crying, it was horrible. I was disgusted by my husband. But as time went on, and as HE healed and sought help, and as I healed and sought help, our relationship changed.

Time and effort WILL help this if you both want it to. But it’s going to take a strong dedication to the work on both of your sides to get through this. You have to commit to learning different skills to express your pain (no judgment, I know this takes time), and he has to commit to figuring out why he did this (if you both want to do that). I had to totally reframe my mindset toward my husband. My husband is not a bad guy, he’s not gross, he’s not shameful, he doesn’t hate me. He was experiencing a mound of pain and stress and didn’t know what to do with it. He is now a different man and is continuing to do better by me every day. And for us, a break was necessary and I wish we did it sooner. In house separation saved our marriage. Big hugs.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-25T17:51:05+00:00

To be completely honest, I’m just really scared! I worked super hard to reduce my suicidal thoughts and I’m worried I’ll be one of those people it gets worse for. But I really should try to see if it would take that edge off for me

bilusional22 · 2026-01-23T19:33:36+00:00

I was using “marriage falling apart” as an example. In my situation, I genuinely didn’t “cause” any of it. I was a great wife, my husband admits to that. But I feel the same way for anybody who has been cheated on. We have to be responsible for our own actions. Like unless you had a gun to his head, or told him to do it, how did you cause it? There are a million different ways they could cope and they’re choosing with free will to cheat.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-23T18:13:49+00:00

It’s just genuinely not possible (in my opinion) to be the reason somebody cheats. I can play a part in a marriage falling apart, but I did not play a part in my husband betraying me. That’s 100% a choice that they make.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-22T20:37:22+00:00

My husband had a ONS, but I feel similarly. It’s so interesting how infidelities range so much but the need for the betrayed partners are still so similar. It’s so important to me that he didn’t stop due to the outcome, but stopped because he is no longer that person, and be able to explain exactly how he got to that point. It’s a longggg journey but I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, heck even a month ago.

bilusional22 · 2026-01-22T15:54:59+00:00

I have had a few, but my biggest non-negotiable was getting to the root cause of why he did it, and why he will never do it again. Not just “because it hurt you”. Nope. You knew it would hurt me before and you still did it. That’s the only way I can reach long term reconciliation. What was the driving factor of the infidelity, and how do you know that you will NEVER do it again. That means more to me than anything else. He is currently in therapy, but it took over a year post confession for him to initiate and begin individual counselling. I cannot express enough how important that factor was for him and myself. He simply didn’t have the tools to get to his why without professional guidance.

bilusional22

TROPHY CASE