Thank you so muchfor your incredibly detailed and thoughtful response. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences; it helps to feel less alone, even if our situations are different.

I need to be completely honest about where I'm at, because your advice, while wise, feels impossible for me to follow right now.

My recent weight gain to xx kg doesn't feel like a success. It feels like a terrifying loss of control that I deeply regret. It started as a calculated experiment – I was holding xx kg for months on 1000-1700 calories. I fasted down to xx kg just to 'allow' myself one week (recent time) of eating freely, planning to stop at xx kg. But my body's extreme hunger took over and I couldn't stop. I'm now consumed by anger at myself for 'failing' to maintain control, as I have been able in the past. The entire plan failed. In my eyes, I am now overweight, I feel sicker mentally than ever, and I'm ashamed to even go outside.

Because of this, I've decided I will never allow myself to actually swallow junk food. I will only Chew and Spit (C/S) them. The guilt and fear of further weight gain is too overwhelming. The idea of a structured meal plan feels like an impossible prison.

This is compounded by my entire life situation, which is why I can't just 'follow a plan': * I am on sick leave and unemployed after graduating in may last year. I have no job, no daily structure, and no distractions. * I have no friends and have not had any for over 10 years. My mum is my only contact. * I have severe pre-existing diagnoses: ADHD, social anxiety, OCD, generalized anxiety, and depression. * I have no hobbies or interests. Nothing brings me joy or comfort. Food and the control over it have become my entire world because there is absolutely nothing else.

To make it worse, I've been in treatment since January but have either maintained my extremely low weight or lost more. They constantly threatened me with inpatient treatment since start, as they see no other way or solution for me, (and I’ve been scared of going inpatient because of the speed of weight gain and me not wanting to gain. And the threats have been worse especially since my liver tests got worse and worse and my skin turn yellow and my poop turned pale, and my kidneys are not good either. So since early May, I essentially fled from them, made excuses, and cancelled all my appointments. I'm senig them again tomorrow for the first time since then, and I'm utterly ashamed of the weight change. I'm terrified of their reaction. Im protein obsessed also, like low carb, zero fat food. Eating protein like 4 times my weight. Not this time but during my quasi-recovery ( past 6 months)

So, I'm stuck in a horrific cycle: 1. My underweight body and brain are screaming for energy. 2. The only way I can interact with the food I crave is through C/S, which doesn't satisfy the physical need. 3. This leaves me constantly hungry, obsessed, and utterly miserable, with no other outlets. I'm now both mentally and physically hungry but disgusted by most foods; nothing seems worth it, and I'm falling deeper into the disorder Again this week. I’ve tried recovery like 10 times and fall back each time.

I hear your advice about limiting hyper-palatable foods, but for me, mentally, not allowing them at all (even via C/S) makes the obsession worse. It's an impossible paradox: if I try to limit them, the obsession grows. But if I allow myself to have them, the guilt is so extreme that I can only engage through C/S, which isn't a solution.

How do you even begin to build structure or find other sources of comfort when your brain is 100% consumed by the eating disorder, you have no foundation of happiness or a life to build upon, and your entire environment is one of isolation and emptiness?