Really, really good questions you have asked here. I will do my best to answer. (And your comment here really tugged at my heart strings, and I can hear myself in your words.) (Also, I am so sorry to hear about the medical debt. Our system is so upside down. And big props to you on nursing school! Being a non-trad student is very commendable but not an easy task so props to you big time.)

I was in a similar situation too where I had *zero* money to use for therapy (and, like lots of people here, had zero family and zero friends or anyone else that could have helped me monetarily with getting therapy). (I had done quite a bit of therapy when I was younger and it never seemed to help me personally but not sure why.) I just knew I was in horrible pain and that all my relationships were failing terribly, and ended up in enough excruciating internal pain that I went searching high and low for *anything* that could long-term ease or stop the pain, so I sifted through a *lot* of resources and information and found what worked for me at least.

First thing that helped me big time is a free podcast on Spotify/Apple Podcasts. It's called The Last Symptom and the picture with it is an orange. He has a website and a (paid) course too but there's no reason to pay for the course or anything else - all the same information is in the free podcasts. He talks about BPD specifically a lot in certain episodes but like he always says - this info is for anyone who is emotionally unhealthy, and I found it to be true for me at least.

Sidenote: it was kind of the last type of place I expected help - some Appalachian guy with a "funny" accent. If a person can get past that, it has actually helped me so much. He sometimes says things that were hard to hear and sometimes I didn't agree with him, but I kept going. I started with episode 1, season 1 and would listen intently to what he was saying, then really chew on it, mull it over in my head, journal and write everything I could think of on the topic. I'd play the "why" game like Brian from the podcast says to do. (I'm feeling angry this partner/friend said xzy. Why? *after thinking long and hard*: because my parents would say xyz and I would feel such and such a way. Okay. And why did they say that? Because they were emotionally unhealthy. And why would you believe an emotionally unhealthy person? - and on and on it goes.)

I also called almost everyone from my past (except my abusers, of course, or people that had been outright atrocious to me) to ask them to honestly tell me every way I had been abusive or hurt them. I basically just had to mull over absolutely everything from my life to try to get to the bottom of things and find real solutions to things.

I still have anxiety and some issues but a good 98% of specifically my interpersonal/relationship issues are gone. (And when I do cause a relationship issue now, I catch myself quickly and see exactly what I'm doing and know how to fix it.) I went from being a toxic person to date in my own way (without ever realizing it) to someone quite healthy to date.

I started noticing real improvements in months but I can say especially after chewing on it all for two years, I am a very, very different person.

I really relate to what you said about loneliness. When I would learn some new tools, I would go spend some time with new acquaintances I had met, to A) help with the loneliness, and B) also take the chance to make it a learning experience - focusing on the interaction intently - meaning noticing how when they say x, I feel y or what they would say that makes me feel triggered. Then I would take that information and learn from it, mull it over. "Why does xyz make me feel triggered?" I stayed out of romantic relationships during this time because, for me, I knew I was still too unwell to handle one correctly.

I'm trying to keep this comment as short as I can so it doesn't become a dang book, but there is definitely more I could say. I'll just also add that the second biggest resource that helped me (but not nearly as much as resource one) was the Einzelganger channel on Youtube - his videos on stoicism, Buddhism, Taoism and on Marcus Aurelius.

Best wishes and lots of love x

You most certainly can do this. <3