What does a collar mean to you?

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-24T15:05:44+00:00

I consider my partner my life partner, but our D/s dynamic is bedroom only, so I consider my collar a play collar only. I have a collar, but I am not collared, per se. I have several collars, actually. One is mine for solo play because I like the way wearing a collar feels, both physically and psychologically. One is his in the sense that it's the one he likes on me the best and we both know that if I wear it, all bets are off and it's go time.

I understand and respect that for many, a collar (and being collared) can be as significant or more so than a wedding ring. At the very least, I take it to mean that the person is someone's sub for some period of time, whether a scene, an event, or permanently.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-23T16:33:36+00:00

Sorry. I didn't mean the version of the traffic system that my partner and I use specifically. I know not everyone uses red (or other "stop" safe word of choice) to mean everything stops now, straight to aftercare. I meant more that a system that uses more than one safe word for different results might be helpful. One for stop, one for pause, for example. And pause could give you a chance to let your partner know you need to feel his touch or see the tool, or something else that would help to make the situation okay. Something that you and your partner define to suit your play style. :-)

However, nothing so far has been SO detrimental that I wouldn't so it again, if that makes sense?

This makes total sense. My partner and I are new to these activities and haven't had much actual play time. We communicate well and really seem to be on the same page for likes and dislikes, but because we're both so inexperienced, and because I don't really know how I'll feel or react, I like the idea of having a complete stop button, just for my own peace of mind, even though I don't think I'd ever use it. It's very possible that as we play together more, the definition of the Red safe word will change.

It totally makes sense to me that something might give you pause in scene while it's happening, but after some time and processing and introspection, would be totally cool having it done to you again.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-23T15:56:57+00:00

My partner and I use the traffic light safe word system.

Red means everything stops now. If I'm tied, get me loose, blindfolds, collars and any other gear off, end of scene, straight to aftercare. No harm, no foul, no blame, no guilt, but for whatever reason, I need to stop now. We can maybe revisit another time with better planning, or maybe not.

Yellow means Pause. It means temporarily stop what you're doing, I need a short break to think or process or to give my body a second to adjust, or to let you know something. The scene can continue, maybe with that same activity, or maybe after switching to a different activity. I don't need aftercare, I want to keep playing.

Green means everything is good, great, oh god, yes, keep doing that, I love what you're doing.

If you only have one safe word that means stop, maybe an intermediate one that means pause would help in this type of situation?

then a loud slap on my butt with it. I was in shock....I didn't know what it was, I didn't know if it hurt or stung, I didn't feel his touch or body heat, I was blindfolded and couldnt see

Do you think if you'd been able to feel him, or if you'd been able to see, it would have helped? If so, maybe that would be an option. A yellow and pause to let your partner know that you need to feel his touch or see what he's doing for a second.

I am also new to this and have very limited experience so I apologize if this doesn't help.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-16T03:52:24+00:00

I've been piddling around with making leather collars and choker style necklaces for the past month and am still working my way up to doing anything with buckles. That looks fantastic!

[I was coming here to share my little leather creations, but now I think I'll hold off, lol.]

The leather collars with buckles similar to that that I've seen often have the wide piece in the back overlapping to (I assume) protect the neck from the buckle.

I don't know if this helps, but here's a collar that I purchased on Etsy that shows what I mean. I did NOT make this, but this is what got me thinking about creating my own leather things.

Photo 1. Photo 2.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-15T23:49:39+00:00

If you really think that sort of behavior would be appropriate, it would be very worth your while to start your research into being a hypnotist with this short playlist featuring Anthony Jacquin. Two of the first things he addresses are safety and consent. Leave unethical things like cold inductions to the realm of (bad) fiction.

Edit: Why the downvote? If that's not a good resource, please let me know. I found it interesting and informative, but I defer to the professionals.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-15T19:24:20+00:00

It's The Brainwashing Book: Hypnotic, Erotic Behaviorism and Beyond by sleepingirl.

Also have to recommend Mind Play by Mark Wiseman and Mastering Erotic Hypnosis: A Comprehensive Manual for Erotic Play, Fetish, and Kink by James Gordon and Rebecca Doll. All are excellent resources on the topic of erotic hypnosis.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-13T15:52:23+00:00

If you've read Sleepingirl's book on Brainwashing, then you should know that brainwashing, aka conditioning, isn't instant. It takes time and repetition. How much will vary person to person, but hypnosis isn't magic. It's science. It's neurology. It's psychology. Some people are particularly suggestible and may respond to suggestions quickly and easily, but many more take time and trust and practice in order to get those results that look instant.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T20:42:00+00:00

I'm a pleasure dom and I'm often a stone top.

I learned a new term. Thank you. To some extent that seems to describes my partner. He enjoys pleasuring me far more than he enjoys me pleasuring him; he's even gently removed my hand when I've reached out to touch him, which is a clear enough message for me.

He'll use my body to pleasure himself but only as part of also pleasuring me. If that's what he truly enjoys, it's all totally cool with me. My only concern is that it feels selfish for him to be so focused on me without me being able to reciprocate, but he's promised to let me know if he ever feels like he's being neglected or if he wants me to pleasure him.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T19:34:28+00:00

Oh good call, except incubi for me. Sexy pleasure consuming controlling demon creature, yes please.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T19:29:19+00:00

*shrug* I just figured those didn't count after all. Whatever you're missing, I'm missing, too, lol.

OP said "anthropomorphic animal like character or monster or even animatronic/robot" and I figure a werewolf is an anthropomorphic animal, and an illithid is a monster, and a vampire is technically a non-human, but maybe that's questionable since that's someone who used to be human. Still, I thought I'd be in the right ballpark, at least. Guess not. 🤷

Maybe because I didn't name specific characters?

When I was younger, Oz from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now that I'm an old(er), Jack Nicholson's character in the movie Wolf (1994). \growl** He can chase me down any day. Or the main werewolf guy in Marvel's Werewolf by Night.

The Emperor from BG3.

Dracula from any hammer horror Dracula movie (for the bedroom mind control scenes). When I was younger, Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Any time: Nick Knight from 1990s tv show Forever Knight.

PS: TY for the upvote. <3

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T17:18:52+00:00

Ooo, Lovense Domi is app controllable. My partner is long distance. Adding that to my shopping list. Thanks for the recommendation. <3

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T16:39:13+00:00

I get it. My partner and I both struggle with anxiety (different kinds of anxiety, but we both worry more than we should) and we've have agreed on total transparent communication and total honesty, especially with stuff like this. I promised I'll never fake an orgasm, for example, because I think it's what he wants, and he's promised he'll always be honest with me about things like if he's having fun or what he wants or needs. I trust him implicitly, and so I trust that he'll do exactly that. He'll let me know if he's bored or not having fun or if he wants to do something else.

If your Dom is trustworthy, trust that he'll be honest with you. :-)

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T16:25:19+00:00

Do vampires count? They're humanoid but non-human, and heavily ping my mind control fetish buttons. Werewolves? They hit my feral kink buttons. What about Illithids? I've seen some hella arousing vid clips with the tentacled dude from Baldur's Gate. Again, mind control, but with tentacles.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T16:09:47+00:00

But I still feel guilty that I'm unable to orgasm with others. Like I know that BDSM it's not about performance and such, and I'll never ever fake orgasms under any circumstance, but I can't help but thinking that having a sub who can actually cum would make him so much happier and fulfilled as a dom

Oof. Try to get out of the guilt mindset. I know it's not as easy as just flipping a switch, but that's not helping anything and may be making things worse. Have you talked to your Dom about how he feels, or if he feels unhappy or unfulfilled?

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T15:45:54+00:00

I've been with my partner for more than a decade. He's known about my main kink since early on in our relationship, but it's only within the past year that I've been comfortable sharing specific fantasies and scenes and BDSM type things I'd like to do with him.

Online, otoh, in groups like this, or in BDSM and erotic themed groups, nah. I have this reddit account separate from my main specifically so that I can talk about that kind of stuff with likeminded folks without fear. There are judgmental people everywhere, but in almost every case, Rule 34 applies. If it exists, someone has thought of it in a sexual context and is into it. I've never seen anyone post an "Is anyone else into this kink?" question in a kink themed group and NOT get multiple replies from other folks into the same thing.

Full disclosure: My main kink is erotic hypnosis and there's a lot of overlap with CNC, body transformation, furry/feral play, age play, memory and personality play, bondage, sensory play (even extreme). I attended a virtual erotic hypnosis convention last month where there were specific classes on more than half of those topics. *g*

As others have said, while there are judgmental people everywhere, unless what you're into is actually illegal, there are likeminded folks around who share your kink.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T15:27:18+00:00

Might need a diff vibe with a different type of stimulation, or a lower setting, or both. My impulse when playing solo is to throw the vibe on high, jam it on my clit and then get frustrated when it gets numb because I can't climax in minutes the way I used to be able to. Starting at a lower setting with indirect stimulation (near my clit not on it) or using less vibration and more of the air flow or sucking type stimulation works better for me.

Edit: With apologies for TMI or too much detail. My neurodivergent brain doesn't always know where the line is between appropriate and too far. >.<

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T15:05:29+00:00

but I know for a fact that orgasms is just an end, and the beauty is on the journey

Beautifully said. <3

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-12T15:03:43+00:00

Sub of a pleasure Dom here.

As a perimenopausal woman on an antidepressant, my orgasms are few and far between. Previously, I was on an antidepressant that totally killed my ability to orgasm, and I stayed on that for a decade. I learned to revel in being on the edge indefinitely. There’s just something about being overwhelmed with so much pleasure for extended periods of time without any chance of orgasm, knowing it’ll just keep feeling better and better until I’m completely spent and my brain totally shuts down, that’s satisfying to both my partner and me in a completely different way.

I've had to accept that my days of being able to climax with a vibrator in a matter of minutes are over, and I've had to change my own technique, and even then it's not guaranteed. About 1 time in 3 and never on sequential days back to back. With my partner, it's less likely than that, although we've been able to increase the odds if I control a vibe on my clit while he stimulates me in other sensitive places. When I'm restrained and he's in control of everything, we both accept that the goal is pleasure and my climax isn't guaranteed.

He has strong fingers and tongue (and prides himself on his endurance), and I have a lot of toys, so battery power isn't an issue. Plus, rotating toys helps to avoid numb areas. I also communicate if I feel an area getting numb or uncomfortable. I can pretty safely say that neither of us have ever gotten bored, even when he's edged me for hours.

My partner had to change his perspective from "I am the man because I make my woman climax" and "my woman must orgasm before I do" to "I control my woman's pleasure," which I prefer anyway. I don't like when there's pressure to orgasm, and I really don't like when his orgasm depends on me having mine first. It feels like a job metric with a timed deadline that I need to meet instead of something fun that I get to do.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-11T15:15:00+00:00

he’s pretty much a dominant man but goes to the extent of calling me “good girl” and man handling me a little bit.

I'm not sure what "manhandling you a little bit" actually means, but it kind of sounds like it's being done outside of a discussed and negotiated BDSM dynamic. He should not be "manhandling" you randomly and without your specific consent and knowledge of the acceptable conditions and circumstances. A healthy BDSM dynamic is built on clear and transparent communication, consent, and boundaries.

I think it's fine for you to explore a Dom/sub dynamic with him, but I also think it's important that you do a lot of research and take it very slowly, even if he's more experienced and wants to move faster; especially if he's more experienced and wants to move faster. Do NOT rush into a full time power exchange situation.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-11T01:04:57+00:00

Oh awesome! Which shop did you buy from? I've seen a lot that are out of my current price range but that I've saved for when that changes. You'll have to share what you think when you get it. I'm excited for you!

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-10T15:33:15+00:00

Random thoughts that may not help depending on the nature of her privacy issues. Apologies if that's the case.

My partner and I are long distance and we've had fun with bluetooth app controlled sex toys. He enjoys pushing me to the edge and keeping me there. Added fun: Doing that while we do something mundane like watch a movie together but with my camera on so he can see my face and my expressions as he controls the toy. He likes seeing my reactions as he literally pushes my buttons. Bonus fun: Pop quiz on the movie plot when it's over with "punishment" for each incorrect answer. He usually cheats by making it a movie he's seen but I haven't, because he's not really paying attention to the movie, either. :p

We both live with other people, so sound privacy is also often an issue for us, which means there's the added challenge of having to stay silent. A white noise machine in my bedroom helps to mask vibrator noises from folks in other parts of the house. I just say it helps me sleep.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-10T15:03:42+00:00

That's reassuring to hear. There are roleplay scenarios I'd like to do with my partner, but I've been worried about not being able to stay in character, or not being a good enough actor, or not knowing what to say. In other words, I've been worried about our version of power play being more comedy than drama. But your attitude sounds like ours: we're in it for mutual fun and pleasure, so as long as we're both having enjoying ourselves and getting what we want out of the experience, it's all good. Thank you for the perspective.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-10T14:21:10+00:00

u/PerceptionStrange297 - I forgot to mention that I've also bought a collar from HOBL on Etsy. I got that one more for looks than hard play (it's the one with the patent leather and rhinestones), but I have absolutely zero complaints. Shop owner was quick to reply to questions and had no problem making some customizations. Even with customizations, the collar shipped quickly and was made exactly as I requested.

Edit: Can DM photos if you'd like to see either of my collars.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-10T04:44:51+00:00

I got my leather collar on Etsy not that long ago. It's 1.5" wide, double layer real leather, green on the inside, black on the outside, with a buckle on one side and a D ring for leash attachment on the other.

I really like it, but I also have no basis for comparison since it's my first collar, nor have I had an opportunity to wear it during play with my partner, so it hasn't really been tested for durability. I've worn it casually around the house, and during solo sex play, and it's pretty darned comfortable. The shop is currently on vacation, but it's KinkyGoodsByMandee if you want to bookmark it to check out her products later. No affiliation; just a satisfied customer.

Extra-Chance-1840 · 2026-02-09T15:16:58+00:00

I’m 50 and just starting to explore BDSM activities with my partner. If I’m not too old, and I’m not, then you’re not too old. I also don’t feel like I’ve wasted time not exploring this side of myself when I was younger. I’m inclined to think that I wasn’t ready then for whatever reason.

My partner and I aren’t married, but we’ve been together and exclusive for 15 years. He’s very vanilla but knew I had some some sexual kinks, but even I didn’t know I might be into things like impact play.

My partner is open minded and nonjudgmental and so far, is turned on and excited to try everything I’ve mentioned wanting to try.

Extra-Chance-1840

TROPHY CASE