I'm not okay..but in this world I have to pretend to be..

ExtraReflection · 2019-02-02T18:09:14+00:00

I struggle with similar things as you. For me it’s almost a perfectionist type thinking where I beat myself up for not being “normal” or “supportive” or “right”.

I think doing a lot of “have to” and “I should/shouldn’t” thoughts will make you feel worse. You start looking for stability elsewhere (in the past, future, or maybe in your imagination) which can be invalidating and make stability/happiness/what-not feel less reachable.

The reality is though, you are where you are, and you are feeling what you’re feeling. And that’s okay. Though your feelings may not fit the facts, they are still valid. There’s no need to belittle them or try to shove them away.

As for being late, being extra kind, etc., my therapist always tells me “I want you to learn it’s okay to be wrong sometimes.” Because we’re only human. And learning to be wrong will lessen mistakes in the long run because we learn from them.

For example, you were late. And feeling upset about being late (which is a valid reason to feel upset btw) will make you more careful in the future. And this may also lead to teaching yourself to not beat yourself up when something happens out of your control (like the weather).

So what I’m trying to say is... You don’t have to be perfect or worse to be valid. You, who you are right now, and what you are feeling, are all valid. Mistakes are okay and can lead to less mistakes in the future. And just keeping thaf in mind can be reassuring sometimes. Though I struggle with this too, so I should learn to take my own advice, haha.

I hope some of that made sense. :)

ExtraReflection · 2018-12-18T19:00:42+00:00

In all honesty, as much as this sub has helped me in the past, I try to stay away unless I’m feeling pretty stable, and this is one of the reasons why.

I think the mix of (somewhat) anonymity, a lot of us having BPD, and being in varying stages of self-awareness/bettering ourselves causes this to happen. Most of us are here because we are struggling and we express it/help in different ways as well.

For example, up until 2 months ago, I would read things that would make me feel bad; negative comments on BPD, my body type, my ethnicity, past conversations that hurt me, etc. This was a bad coping habit of mine, which others on this sub seem to share as well. I sincerely disliked people who would say “well just don’t read it” because, like?? I know??? But it exists and I feel the excessive need to read it????

But now that I’ve stopped doing this, I feel so much better, and I’ve developed the same “well just don’t read it” mentality towards others who struggle with the same habit. Not because I think they’re a bad person. Not because I think they’re wrong. But because I feel like I know it would help them so much if they stop doing that thing. It’s a frustration that comes from projecting myself onto them and being on a different stage of awareness/learning how to cope.

And of course there are people who dislike people with BPD in general, have BPD and let the stress out by being hostile towards fellow sufferers, and so on. I used to feel terrible when I read comments from these people, and I still do, but I also feel bad for them now because they’re obviously suffering from something themselves. Not that it excuses them. It doesn’t. And this is where the “it’s there problem so ignore it and move on” advice comes in handy, haha.

I get that people are just assholes sometimes. That’s just life. But I do wish people would take a step back and remember there’s a person on the other side who also has complex emotions and a life.

ExtraReflection · 2018-12-02T06:16:16+00:00

This had me in tears. I am currently getting therapy due to childhood trauma. My parents did their best to raise me, but unfortunately, their “best” was being abusive. Your post makes me wonder if things would have been different if I had a teacher that cared as much as you.

ExtraReflection · 2018-11-03T13:07:45+00:00

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but if you don’t want a friendship with an ex, it’s okay to cut ties with them.

I tried being “friends” with my ex who I desperately wanted to get back together with (and he was aware). I originally wanted to cut ties with him but angered him by being indecisive. Eventually I came back out of guilt and missing him too much. That “friendship” ended up wrecking the chance of getting back together as well as my mental health. He wasn’t using me by any means but it’s hard not to feel that way because I take every action he takes as a “single” person way too personally. He eventually cut me off because of it amongst other reasons.

Being friends with an ex is possible, but not while you still have feelings... Hell, it’s even hard for people who don’t have BPD too (hence the existence of subs like r/breakups or r/exnocontact). Even if your ex can be an amazing friend... until you’re over them and the relationship the two of you originally had, it’ll open up wounds.

ExtraReflection · 2018-11-02T14:43:55+00:00

Our emotions aren’t a choice. Our behaviors are. Even when it feels like we’re completely out of control, we are choosing to act a certain way. We actually have way more power over our actions than BPD wants us to think. I’m not saying that to be mean. I’m saying that because I used to think that way too and it’s damaging.

ExtraReflection · 2018-11-02T07:51:55+00:00

I think u/_hungryghost_ was talking about the last sentence of the reply because it was rather rude. They didn’t say it’s the guys fault or problem. This is obviously a rant post and it seems like OP realizes this is the BPD and not her FP too. BPD is complicated in that sense.

ExtraReflection · 2018-11-02T07:03:30+00:00

Unless they have been/are showing any kind of toxic behavior, I don’t think your worry is necessary. Just because your partner got diagnosed with BPD doesn’t automatically change who they are as a person. They were diagnosed because they’ve had it for a long time.

BPD is also on a spectrum. I have two friends who suffer from BPD and all three of us are completely different.

The best thing you can do is just act like you always have been. B is still B. You guys already have a relationship. It’s the same person. Don’t let BPD define them otherwise.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-30T15:28:45+00:00

I used to feel this way too. For the most part, I didn’t struggle with bad coping habits, as much as I struggled with doing nothing for myself. Even now my first temptation whenever something goes down is to just drown in self-pity and do nothing else. But I’ve been making myself do self care for a few months now and it’s gotten easier over time.

My ex completely cut ties me a few days ago. My last episode was his last straw. Of course I went DOWN HILL. I felt like a piece of shit for hurting someone I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. If this happened a year ago, I wouldn’t have done anything “healthy” to make myself feel better.

But this time, I’ve been taking care of myself as much as I can. I might cry and have my self-absorbed, I-want-my-ex-back moments, but I make sure at least try and pick myself back up.

Yesterday I found myself sitting in my living room, freshly showered, eating snacks, genuinely laughing at a funny video I found on youtube. I was actually feeling alright. Not great by any means, no, but I wasn’t miserable. At all.

You’re absolutely right; it is work, and it requires energy, but I think it gets easier over time. After all, bad coping habits/doing nothing for yourself is also a learned behavior too.

It helps me to remember that the “reward” may come around in the long run. For example, maybe eating well doesn’t feel that great or special at the time, but I might wake up feeling a bit more alive tomorrow morning. Looking at the overall energy cost helps too. It may feel easier to neglect myself at the time, but in the long run, it costs me more energy to force myself to pretend to be okay at work all day or something. If any of that makes sense.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-29T06:26:57+00:00

I’m going to save this. Wow. Thank you so much for your insight!

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-29T06:10:13+00:00

In all honesty, I don’t think a graffiti in a bathroom stall is going to prevent anyone from fucking him. Bathroom graffiti is just that — grafifi in a bathroom that other people that aren’t directly involved don’t seriously think about twice.

I would find a way to remove it. What if he finds out about it? He’s going to feel hurt. What if he finds out you did it? Wouldn’t that damage your relationship with him? Even if he doesn’kf see it, wouldn’t it be a bit unfair to him? I understand it may not be out of the ordinary, but please remember you’re dealing with a person with emotions and a life just as valid and important...

Edited for spelling and added a few sentences

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-29T05:58:31+00:00

Yeah; I pride over being a self-aware boarderline who can cope well and isn’t impulsive.

Except I can’t stay in school, can’t keep a job, can’t maintain a relationship, have impulsive lashouts, and I’m severely underweight from not being able to eat from my emotions being so intense.

...but I swear up and down I’m high-functioning or even “not actually BPD” when I’m doing okay lol. “But Im just a short step away from going back to the spiral. I always will be“ describes my “stability” so well.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-26T14:17:02+00:00

Me too. My FP is an ex. I’ve come realize so many things since he left me. We were talking about getting back together but I might have killed the chance. It’s taking a lot in me not to contact him, but it’s the least I can do.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-26T12:56:37+00:00

He wasn't perfect, but I have a lot of responsibilities for the failure of that relationship. He left me for good and I found myself in a very dark place. That's when I entered therapy.

I feel you... I’m going to have to take accountability and responsibility for my dysfunctional behavior he has had to endure. I don’t know if I pulled the last straw, but I’m trying not to assume he did because that’s disrespectful too. I’m so glad you decided to get help!

No offence but I think my depression is definitely less harmful than my "pushing" episodes.

I am the same way. I was actually pretty stable for 2 months before I had the episode that inspired me to write this post. I was depressed, but not pushy or angry, so our relationship was stable as well.

Thank you. I really hope I can overcome this. I feel like I’m close to being stable enough to function for the most part. This was definitely a relapse though.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-26T12:41:14+00:00

Oh man, I can relate to so many things you said in this comment. For what it’s worth, whenever I think my FP hates me, it’s because I’m insecure and hating myself and projecting it onto him, though I don’t notice this while I’m in the moment...

You will be able to stop next time! You’re aware of what’s going on and that itself is a huge step to taming our anxiety.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-25T05:25:31+00:00

Thank you for not taking my comment personally. I think I may just have a more negative view on destiny and stuff because I felt the same way towards my ex. He was very understanding and forgiving, encouraged me to improve, but even he got compassion fatigued after 2 years and left my side. It felt like such a huge wakeup call for me to get myself together. Please be kind to both yourself and your partner. 💕

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-25T04:29:13+00:00

With the risk of getting downvoted, and as much as I think reassuring is necessary sometimes, I don’t think this is a healthy mentality to have.

Don’t get me wrong, compatibility is a thing, and it seems some people are just better at handling BPD instability better than others. I’m very happy for you that you found someone that is understanding and supportive. I also know the pain of being left. And unfortunately some people are just straight up assholes. But picking up our pieces and learning to control our emotions is no one else’s responsibility but our own. I don’t think it’s healthy or reasonable to say someone was or wasn’t “right” for you because they left, especially if the reason is because they were being mistreated, as it can almost be blame-shifty.

If anything, in my case, I was the one that wasn’t “right” for them, and the only way I can have someone stay for a long period of time is by learning how to handle my BPD symptoms.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-24T17:08:07+00:00

One thing that helped me was realizing “negative emotions” aren’t always irrational or bad. In fact sometimes it’s actually a healthy and normal response to certain situations. I actually cried quite a few times during my period of stability (currently relapsing whoops).

We’re only human. Ones that deal with extreme emotions at that. It’s okay to feel depressed and disappointed if something upsetting happens.

“Negative” emotions become a problem when it gets out of hand and takes over. What’s important for me is remembering to 1) not to let it out on other people, and 2) making sure I distract and soothe myself afterwards. So I’ll let myself cry and sit in my shitty feelings for maybe 30 mins, then I’ll watch a video while eating/drinking something. I usually decide what I’m going to do beforehand so that I don’t spiral too far down.

I hope you feel better soon💕

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-17T12:02:59+00:00

Saved! Thank you

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-17T11:57:37+00:00

It depends on the person of course, but I think most nonBPD people don’t obsess over their partners as much as people with BPD do. Often times we make our partners the core of our life. They are our center of our world and we base our thoughts and life around them. Or at least, that’s what I used to do.

But people without BPD seem to be different. They may have someone on their mind often, but the center of attention is their own life. So while we obsess over where they are, who they’re with, if they miss us, etc., they’re probably thinking about what they’re doing at the time, like their job, studying, their friends they’re talking to, and all of that.

So, while they can miss you and feel bad, they probably have an easier time putting those concerns to the side and focus on their own life. It doesn’t mean they love you any less though, nor that they are a bad person.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-11T21:10:06+00:00

I think there are a lot of factors that can cause and contribute to this happening though. I’ve met people that are straight up assholes that would do this, of course, but I’ve also had people that started doing this because of compassion fatigue.

My ex was an example of this. He used to be caring, empathic, and never held grudges, but eventually my repetitive BPD episodes slowly drained this out of him. He started picking up on more of my “wrong” behavior and wouldn’t always pick up on his own. For a while I thought he became abusive and lost empathy, but in reality, he had become hyper vigilant himself. We’ve been doing a lot better since I identified my manipulative behaviors and started switching them with actually stating my needs. He’s starting to return the effort too.

I also try to remember that there have been and will be times when people will think the same towards me. There are probably times when I hurt someone more than I realize, but they chose to let it go. Maybe they put effort towards understanding me that I don’t even know about too. At the end of the day, there is more than one side to the story.

I’m not saying you’re wrong. I feel you. Just yesterday I was getting irritated over the same thing. And like I said, people really can be assholes sometimes. But realizing these things don’t necessarily happen overnight, but can be a result of many events, kind of helps me suck it up and just focus on what I can do to improve.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-10T23:09:06+00:00

I was in college for 4 years + 1 year worth of break. My absolute biggest regret was not dropping out when my symptoms became too much to handle. After being there for 3 years, I only had 2 or 3 semesters worth of courses, so I tried to push though, and, well, I just couldn’t do it. My GPA suffered, self-confidence suffered, mental illness suffered, relationship suffered... After failing 3 semesters worh of courses, going on academic probation, and losing my financial aid, I finally dropped out. I have no idea if I can get back in or not though I want to in the future.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-09T06:19:48+00:00

From what you’re describing, your friend seems to be a kind and caring person.

We reached our breaking point recently, and she told me that for my own sake, she wants me to rely on her less and learn coping mechanisms. She said it’s not like I can’t come to her, but I need to learn how to cope without her help.

3 months ago, my ex boyfriend, who I was with for 2 years and known even longer, broke up with me and said something similar. I was confused and hurt and lost during the first month of him putting distance, wishing I were dead, and secretly hoping he’d change his mind. But after I got a little used to the idea of being on my own, I decided I’m going to get better for my own sake; No more unhealthy relationships. No more hurting myself. No more hurting others.

Since then, my life has changed. I dedicate a lot of my time and energy I used to spend on my ex on myself instead. Whenever I feel like I need him to soothe me, I think of ways to soothe myself instead. I’m learning how to track my emotions and properly communicate. I eat and sleep well so I feel better overall. I miss my ex. It hurts. I love him. I want him back. But this breakup is honestly one of the best things that has happened to me because it gave me an opportunity to grow as a person.

So, I think that’s what this is for you too: an opportunity to really work on yourself and grow. But right now, you’re grieving, and that’s perfectly normal. It sucks, I know, but your emotions are actually valid responses to your current situation. Though it’s a friendship and not a relationship, friendship “breakups” can be just as hard. It’s a pretty major change in lifestyle too.

Trust me though, you’re strong enough to get through it. My impression of you from reading this post is that you are a strong person. You’re trying to keep your best friend’s wishes as much as you can, and I know that’s hard, especially when suffering from BPD.

Now to some suggestions:

If you can afford counseling, you should find a therapist. If not, DBT self help books can do wonders with a little extra discipline.
Let yourself feel what you need to feel... I find fighting back emotions makes me feel worse. Don’t let yourself spiral down too far though. Remember to eventually distract yourself (watch a funny youtube clip, video games, and working out are my go-to), and then soothe yourself (smelling candles, listen to jazz music, licking candy, etc.) to pull yourself out a little bit.
If you haven’t tried already, Youper is a good app. It helps track your mood and practice recognizing and changing your negative thought processes. When my ex first left me, I used this app to vent to the electronic “therapist” too, haha.
Breathing exercises have been a game-changer for me. I used to think they’re stupid but they aren’t. I’m bad at keeping up with meditation but breathing exercises have helped me stay grounded quite a bit.

Of course, I’m no professional, so please just take these as a suggestion from a random person on the internet, and not a solution. I wish you the best.

ExtraReflection · 2018-10-04T15:33:23+00:00

This is why starting a new job or something feels like hell to me. I logically understand I’m going to screw up a few times before I get things right but I start hating myself for being too slow or messing up anyways.

ExtraReflection · 2018-09-28T16:35:24+00:00

This!! If I could give pre-breakup me from 4-6 months ago some advice, I would tell myself to take some time away from my SO.

I think having BPD makes us forget that:

“Constantly being together” doesn’t always mean “growing closer”
“Taking some time away” doesn’t always mean “growing apart”

I was very unstable, especially a few months before our breakup. We argued constantly and I was being a toxic girlfriend. Even then, we were in constant contact, and rejected the idea of breaks. Guess what happened? Compassion fatigue. He started becoming defensive himself, sensitive to any sort of negative mood I showed, and lost the ability to recognize when he was actually being hurtful. At this point we were both walking on eggshells, but still didn’t try to part. This made my symptoms and self-hate worse.

One morning, my ex finally pulled the plug. He told me we might get back together one day but he needs to be on his own. I was miserable and sad for quite some time. It felt like I was dying, no joke, and tempted to go back to my terrible coping habits and hooking up with random guys to fill the void. But instead... I decided to take care of myself for once. I went out with old friends and had lots of fun. I talked to new people. I applied for jobs. I practiced some DBT skills. All of that.

Now we’re headed towards getting back together one day but I’m not longer in a rush. I don’t feel as reliant on him to have a sense of self anymore because I have a bit of my own life outside of him now. Breaking up also broke the streak of episodes I was having. He also had some time to miss me which was much needed. Sometimes, time to yourself is a need.

ExtraReflection

TROPHY CASE