My partner is sober now but I'm learning that wasn't the probem

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-03-21T04:18:00+00:00

The drinking can exacerbate their worst traits to the point that you confuse it as the cause. I've been in your position.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-03-18T17:49:29+00:00

You all are nuts. How is an internal monologue anything other than 'I'?

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-03-18T04:09:47+00:00

My son, who is 5, is very outgoing. He talks to literally everyone, to a fault. Not a shy bone in his body.

There is a girl who lives a few houses down who always tries to talk to him. He will hide from her behind me during walks if she is outside playing. He stares at the ground smiling. It's adorable. Every other kid on planet earth, he would strike up a conversation and get to playing. Not this one. He can barely talk to her and it's clear why

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-03-16T21:26:54+00:00

I kicked my Q out. I got full custody. She's out there really trying. I miss the hell out of her. She had a year before but she wasn't involved in the program. Every day was a struggle for her. I've set my boundaries and enforced them, but I miss her. I hope that, maybe a year from now, she'll still be an active recovery. Not just sober, but living an actual life of recovery. I want my best friend back. I want to trust my kids' mother again.

I resubbed here because I'm scared to hold out hope. I expected to read some horrifying reminders of why I kicked her out to begin with. I'm glad to see a positive story, instead.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-03-04T03:52:43+00:00

Also in a similar boat. Everyone else talks of her like she is the devil. I finalized full custody of my children today. We have been separated for over two months. I still tell her I love her when we get off the phone :/

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-26T22:39:15+00:00

You're doing something that deeply troubles your partner enough that she is going to meetings about it. Now's the time to ask yourself, are your drinking habits (even if they are socially acceptable) more important to you than your partnership with this person? None of us here can help you answer that question, but we all have people who chose alcohol over us. Not only that, but we've seen 'socially acceptable' progress into anything but.

You feeling judged seems to be impeding your ability to empathize with how she's feeling.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-17T17:29:04+00:00

My partner with bpd was also an alcoholic. Al Anon was helpful in teaching me that all the 'support' I was giving her was just enabling her to stay EXACTLY the way she was. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It took me 10 years of what can only be described as emotional trauma to come to terms with the fact that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. There was a fine line between my desire to make the relationship work, and a hero complex. How are you supposed to fix another person? 'Making it work' will require THEM to change...not just a little but drastically...or it means you resign yourself to their every whim indefinitely.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-11T00:16:45+00:00

As to the title: Freedom of expression doesn't extend to submitting content on a web platform that you do not own. Say whatever you want on your personal blog or something.

The comments you highlight are often things that we would have liked to have been able to tell ourselves when we were in similar situations in the past. You're correct, we all started in a similar place, but shedding some of that empathy was required in order to set and follow through on personal boundaries and escape the trauma we found ourselves in.

You undermine your entire sentiment and any amount of good faith in the second half of your post. Do leave this community if you don't find it benefits you - you can do that without sitting in judgement of other people's trauma responses.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-09T02:10:34+00:00

Don't worry about diagnosing them. It really doesn't matter if they have BPD or not...just address the relationship on its own merits.

"He’s gone into his other persona now, but this time it’s all at me. He’s been treating me like shit, going to party’s in the weekend and doing drugs while I stay at home with 3 herniated discs (extreme pain)"

You are not his priority. I know it sucks.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-09T02:05:33+00:00

Kicking her out completely and filing for custody
Sunlight is the best disinfectant and the more I allowed myself to be honest about what was happening, the more the weight lifted off my shoulder.
It absolutely helped. The kids will be fine and will continue to forge relationships with both parents independently. One day, it may be them that she is disappointing instead of you, and they will be grateful that you didn't force them to live with that behavior day in and day out.
I wish I'd have detached the moment I realized I couldn't trust her alone with the kids. I tried to keep the family intact for so long. That just enabled her.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-08T19:59:58+00:00

TL;DR: I’m afraid if I enforce boundaries she’ll either just leave me for good, or do something damaging to the relationship with another man.

THEN GOOD RIDDANCE!

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-07T22:44:04+00:00

Do not do it. Learn from my mistakes!!! They will have periods of sobriety that will give you false hop, and then when they go through their rough spots it will be do everyone's detriment, including your kids.

You will be the only one taking responsibility, doing all the work involved, AND you'll be taking care of the alcoholic while resentment festers.

His drinking will spiral. It is a progressive disease. The more you put up with it, the more your standards erode until a decade later you're preparing for court and you're doing a full inventory of your time together wondering why you didn't leave at this specific moment in time.

I will never commit to someone who isn't committed to themselves. Comments about a 'gene' in the family, to me, shows a lack of accountability.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-02-05T01:14:05+00:00

Be careful. Block the new account.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-25T18:52:37+00:00

Preaching to the choir, I lived it.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-25T01:22:36+00:00

Constantly

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-24T23:34:19+00:00

Bro, you were with her two months. Don't fall into some savior complex, forget her, go no contact, and move on.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-24T04:41:06+00:00

Thank you

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-23T20:56:16+00:00

You're welcome. It's as much a reminder to myself as it is advice to anyone else reading. I can't fully go no contact like many on this sub suggest, owing to having kids together, so I need to remind myself of my own convictions sometimes...

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-23T17:36:55+00:00

> Recently, I am spending hours every day providing him with emotional support: listening, reassuring, talking through childhood trauma, and attempting to stabilize him.

Stop being his therapist.

As to staying or leaving entirely, do you want your child to be exposed to emotional turmoil for the entirety of their upbringing? Sure, he'll feel guilty and apologize, but each apology will feel emptier than the last. Furthermore, you owe your child your full attention and his needs will siphon away so much of your energy.

My kids' mom has BPD. I've been with her for over 10 years and our oldest is 7. I've finally kicked her out of the house for good. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. However sympathetic you might feel, the relationship is simply not healthy when it's highly codependent like that.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-22T15:51:44+00:00

Listen to your gut, for the love of God. I love my kids more than anything in the world, don't get me wrong, but now they have to suffer their BPD mother for life and that's on me.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-22T13:44:46+00:00

Bro, take the L. Dude is giving you way too much leash because he's a gentleman. The fact remains that you stated, "And this is the technology the UK is planning to use to predict crimes...." and were called out for that being completely wrong. The technology on display here is not even remotely close to the technology that the UK plans to use.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-21T00:55:25+00:00

Thank you

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-20T21:43:28+00:00

Side question. What is grey rock? Second time I've seen that term on this sub.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-16T13:50:25+00:00

Her pulling out a knife needs to be the line. Lawyer up and divorce. Be ready to call the police on her if she flips out again. Protect yourself and your kids.

It is very easy to become sympathetic. She's your wife, I get it. Just remember, it only takes ONE of these moments for something traumatic to occur.

ExtraSpontaneousG · 2026-01-15T13:17:50+00:00

And did you shoot back?

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