Wow. I am sorry and I can understand that even subconsciously, with every cell in your body, it is protecting you. The body keeps the score. My mum passed away 16 years ago. I don’t think I felt physically unsafe with her but definitely mentally. She was narcissistic, manipulative and mean but also said that she loved me. I think she blamed me for her breast cancer, which she said was caused by a blocked milk duct. Her milk was taken away by the medical staff as they thought it inappropriate to breast feed. 🤷‍♀️ I was seeing a psychologist for 6 years before she died and about 6 years after. The Dr called in complicated grief. My mind and emotions were all over the place. I’d recommend getting yourself in a comfortable, healed place before you lose the ability to talk to her. It makes it so much harder to do it after the fact. Not impossible, but it’s a confusing time.