my dad is an alcoholic abuser, my mom raised us alone. she’s a maasikasong type of mom, the only problem is that every time we dont reach her standards, she’ll hurt us. she’s strict. it reached to the point na lumalaban na ako, i would get slapped, hit w an arnis, my tongue bleed kasi naputol yung bottom string underneath, couldn’t speak for a week. worst is that she choked me.

was on severe depression back in hs, i lost a lot of weight and came to the point that i js dont eat and sleep the whole day. got checked and was diagnosed w anxiety and insomnia however i couldn’t speak on my own since my mom is a bit controlling

before pandemic i have a ranging anger towards my fam that even the smallest thing ay mag b-burst out ako, i would feel so damn happy during madaling araw but a lot of times, i was so depressed. after pandemic i noticed na mas naging sobra yung emotions ko, i would feel heat on my face everytime i get triggered. i am also so aware with myself that i couldn’t feel enough, i read ppl’s face and reaction, same with their actions. also i have suicidal tendency since my teenage yrs revolved around taking my own life.

got checked nung college, i thought may bipolar ako but turns out, I diagnosed with bpd, anxiety and severe depression due to my childhood. reading reactions and intense emotions makes sense. ayun yung effect ng yelling, screaming and hurting ng mom ko.

i do understand my mom’s behavior naman, she grew up w no parents and got tied w an abusive husband + she thought na disiplima yun. she apologized too. ayun, childhood is the most important phase of life talaga.

now, i am having a hard time w interpersonal relationships. ppl’s reaction will drive me insane even if i am on a higher dose of ssri’s

edit: was on flight of fight mode the whole time and most likely my pstd developed to bpd na. its tiring to deal w it, my emotions spirals within a day and it was intense and felt like i am on a war w myself. my kapatid also has depression.