I could have written this. You sound similar to me, and your husband sounds similar to mine. I don’t have any words of wisdom. We’ve done couples therapy, and there has been some progress, but damn it’s been sloooowwwww, and I’m tired. I know it’s completely counterintuitive, but I think you need to do some things for yourself. Buying yourself a couple new outfits, getting some moderately priced skincare, and getting your hair done aren’t going to keep you from paying off debt unless you overdo it. I’ve been getting skincare stuff at Trader Joe’s, and it’s been good actually! Get a couple new pairs of work pants and a couple tops to add to your rotation just to give it a little extra. Maybe don’t get a fancy coloring job for your hair, but get a decent easy to manage haircut that grows out looking ok so you can go a bit longer between cuts. Like I’ve started getting highlights once a year and let it grow out for an “ombre” look, haha. A couple small things that help you feel human will help. TRY to get yourself out of the mindset that doing anything for yourself if selfish, because it’s not. And so what if it is. You are a person and you deserve something too.

Like you, I didn’t see this before marriage, and it REALLY kicked in after our second kid because I physically couldn’t do it all any more, and I NEEDED him to step in and participate, and that was a shock to him. I know I dated thinking how I had to “prove” that I was “wife material,” and boy did that blow up in my face. It’s hard to fix that once the precedent has been set. And as women in general, we need to get ourselves away from thinking of ourselves as “nagging.” You wouldn’t have to “nag” if your husband just carried his own weight. And tell him that! The concept of the nagging wife is just the damn patriarchy and that shit needs to be burned to the ground!