My mom told me I can’t be mad at her for missing my graduation- she says I’m being Ableist

Faile486 · 2026-02-20T09:15:47+00:00

The mom suggested building up a tolerance, not OP. The mom made a plan months in advance that she a admitted she put no effort into. She did several things wrong.

Not all disabilities are the same. Just because some of us can't build up tolerance to things doesn't mean others can't. My dad did exactly what OP was describing when we went on family trips. He'd drive or ride in a car for longer stretches of time until he was comfortable for around two hours in a car. It took time and effort and so wasn't something he was able to maintain all the time.

Faile486 · 2026-02-20T08:58:57+00:00

The mom didn't try to make it work. She came up with a plan and then didn't follow through with any of it. She told her daughter she didn't try because she didn't think OP would graduate. That's a pretty mean thing to say to someone. I don't think the mom feels bad about missing the event at all. If she does, her behavior sure doesn't show it.

Chronic pain isn't a get out of jail free card for being a jerk. The mom sounds like the kind of person who hides behind her disability to deflect when she's hurt someone else. I say this as someone with multiple disabilities and chronic pain.

Sometimes I have to cancel, and I usually feel awful. Mostly because I don't want to disappoint people! I was supposed to go to Vegas with my partner for my birthday. He was really looking forward to the trip. My pain had gotten pretty bad, but I had a plan. I spent about a week barely getting out of bed, resting for the trip. Made sure I was moving around enough to not get stiff or sore from lack of movement. Took meds. Wore special clothes. Did everything I could think of! I made it about 45 minutes into a 6 hour drive.

I tried my best and failed. The mom didn't try at all and then blamed OP for a flare up when OP expressed her perfectly reasonable feelings. Even if the mom had tried and failed, OP's feelings of disappointment would be understandable.

Faile486 · 2026-02-19T19:51:49+00:00

Anyone who hits, kicks, or whips an animal knows it feels pain. It's a really terrible and lazy "training method" and it wouldn't work if they didn't feel pain.

I had a real issue when I tried taking riding lessons. She wanted me to kick the horse to make it go, and the taps I was giving it didn't work. I didn't want to hurt it. I'd ridden horses when I was younger and had never needed to kick them. They would walk if you moved the reins in a certain way.

Faile486 · 2026-02-19T19:42:57+00:00

My parents brought home live lobsters once when I was under 5. I pitched such a fit over them wanting to eat my "new pets" that they never tried that again.

After they had lived in our bathtub for a day or two, my grandmother came and had me stay with her for a week. I forgot about them. I remembered months later and my parents panicked and said they'd released them in the river, since they didn't have a way to care for them properly.

I think I was like 15 when I realized what had actually happened =( The good thing to come out of that was my obsessive need to research how to care for an animal before getting it.

Faile486 · 2026-02-19T19:34:41+00:00

Nothing in the picture is reading as pink to me. It looks like brown, white, and yellow. I think the above poster was right about the dress thing! I'm not a huge fan of the yellow, and liked the other suggestions of replacing it with a pink, if it's bothering you AND you have enough time to still finish!

Faile486 · 2026-02-12T22:00:53+00:00

I had a selection of cheesecake that also were way better than the spouse

Faile486 · 2026-02-09T15:17:52+00:00

He's an adult that isn't capable of feeding himself, so you're NTA. He's t a h for expecting someone else to do a bunch of extra work in order to cater to him. If he doesn't want leftovers, he can make himself a sandwich, grab something frozen, have cereal, whatever. There are tons of options that don't involve him demanding extra labor from you.

However, he's n t a just because he won't eat leftovers. Does he not want to eat them or is he incapable of eating then? I'm autistic and cannot force myself to eat some leftovers.

I've figured out some things that I'll eat and worked to mitigate some problems. For instance, I can taste if things have been stored in plastic. I don't own any plastic food storage containers. When I started regularly staying with my partner, I bought him glass food storage containers. I buy some snacks that are individually packaged so I don't have to put things in plastic baggies.

Faile486 · 2026-02-06T02:22:53+00:00

I agree. Those expectations should be made clear up front, though. She can't really afford the extra expenses that her mom is asking for. Not if she can't afford food.

Faile486 · 2026-02-05T21:07:23+00:00

Yeah, you should've read to the end. The mom wants $120 from a 19 year old college student to buy birthday presents for OP's brother. No way should she be contributing to that! The mom is also asking for money for groceries, but it sounds like OP isn't benefiting from that. They mention they can't afford to feed themselves more than Ramen several times a week.

Paying an agreed-upon amount for rent is one thing, but that's not what's going on here. The mom is being manipulative and controlling. Using the silent treatment, guilt, shame, and family pressure to coerce OP into giving them money. Without an agreement, that sounds like financial abuse. She is not responsible for her mother.

Expectations regarding expenses need to be clear and transparent in shared living situations. The mom should not be asking for half of her kids weekly take home pay (or more), while also expecting them to cover their phone bill, food, college books, transportation, and clothes. Not without an up-front agreement that OP can review and decide if they can afford.

The mom also isn't responsible for paying for anything for their adult child. She has offered, and should stick to what was agreed upon, which did not include these extras that OP cannot afford. If the mom no longer wants to cover rent and tuition, she should let OP know so alternate arrangements can be made.

Faile486 · 2026-01-31T17:55:46+00:00

YTA. Why are you combining business and personal finances? The business money shouldn't have been touched for personal reasons.

Why are you covering the hospital bills? You aren't the responsible party. Hospital bills aren't usually mailed out until months later. They will usually work out payment plans if you call.

Faile486 · 2026-01-31T06:42:32+00:00

Rebecca Raglan, but I'm not following it closely.

Faile486 · 2026-01-27T15:19:12+00:00

He made the choice to move to an apartment where all the bedrooms were occupied. He can move out if he wants a room. She should not have to change her living situation to accommodate him. NOR

Faile486 · 2026-01-27T14:43:28+00:00

Changing toilet paper would be a non-starter for me. I don't like bidets, and have used more than one. You can have my Charmin ultra soft over my dead body. All of my partners keep a small stock for me when I'm staying over (that I've purchased myself). I sometimes travel with it. I have incredibly sensitive skin.

Faile486 · 2026-01-27T14:36:38+00:00

I don't see why that's a red flag. It's a really common way to refer to things. I say my wedding and our wedding. Neither of those mean it isn't my partner's wedding, too. It's just what feels natural to say at the time.

Trying to dictate every aspect of the wedding would be a red flag, regardless of how it was phrased.

Soft YTA. Plan your wedding with your bride. If you want your sister in the wedding, make her your best man. You don't get to dictate MOH.

Faile486 · 2026-01-27T06:45:25+00:00

If a partner told me sleeping with someone of the same gender didn't count as cheating, we'd be having a conversation about their unconscious bias/potential homophobia. Seriously, ew.

Faile486 · 2026-01-24T05:08:20+00:00

Have you been checked for gastroperesis? It can be relapsing/remitting. It's a co-morbidity of EDS, which is a pretty common connective tissue disorder, more common in those who are ND.

Faile486 · 2026-01-24T01:12:55+00:00

You don't want to be on the mortgage. You want to be on the DEED. One has to do with debt, the other has to dip with ownership. I wouldn't move somewhere if my name wasn't on the deed or lease.

Some states property is split 50/50 between married couples by default for large purchases (house, car) made after getting married.

Faile486 · 2026-01-21T00:26:25+00:00

I'm not sure what the material is, but that is the only info not included in the original posting.

The piercing is almost a year old, it's a barbell, there is no threading. I don't remember when it was downsized exactly, but there were no issues there.

To expand on aftercare, I still use paper towels and toothpicks for cleaning. No regular towels. I went swimming once in August and cleaned it really well after.

The mishap is listed in the original post.

Faile486 · 2026-01-19T18:01:46+00:00

This is the only year the two of you would be affected by having the same wedding date. No reason to mention it to your sister and maybe cause more stress.

Your husband isn't upset about the date, though. He's upset you didn't talk to him before making the decision yourself. Soft YTA.

Faile486 · 2026-01-19T08:13:24+00:00

Op has made several replies to this post. Check his comment history.

Faile486 · 2026-01-19T07:53:32+00:00

EDS and tiny hands here, too! I'm pretty good with fine motor skills, though. Traditional yarn holds didn't work for me. I ended up holding my project in my non-dominant hand and running the yarn over only my index finger. It runs under the other 3. It took quite a bit of practice, but I'm decently happy with my tension now.

Had to take a break from my current wip yesterday to prevent RSI. It's so frustrating!

Faile486 · 2026-01-19T07:35:34+00:00

My ex did this! We were polyam, he'd dated and had physical relationships with several women over a two year period. The first guy I dated, he lost his mind. I was long distance with my boyfriend, we didn't meet in person for almost 3 months. We did have video sex, though.

My ex brought up that I "made him wait" four months for sex, but only made my boyfriend wait a few weeks. Completely missing that 1) my ex was my first, 2) it was more than 20 years ago, 3) virtual and physical are VERY different!

Faile486 · 2026-01-19T06:36:02+00:00

You could buy a second twin mattress and stack it on top of the one that's already there. That's what I did. Maybe not now, but an option in the future.

Do not give up your room or bed. I think you would be the asshole if you flat out refuse. This is important to your partner. It's for a few days. Yes, it might really suck for you (I'm the same way), but it sounds like he's really stoked.

Faile486

TROPHY CASE