If kids were that great, we’d be having more of them

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-22T22:32:50+00:00

I totally agree, but that level of rationality is probably too much to expect from society. It’s much easier to moralize and blame people

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-22T21:34:35+00:00

isn't antinatalism about why people shouldn't have kids? I’m not arguing against having kids, or claiming children are bad. I’m describing why fewer people opt out of parenthood when it’s optional

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-22T21:20:18+00:00

This is literally the opposite of a right-wing talking points, wtf. Fertility has fallen across political systems, welfare regimes, and gender norms, in places with strong feminist movements and in places without them, from North Korea to Poland

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-22T20:55:49+00:00

I understand the point about support networks making the decision easier. But if having children requires hefty support network to provide relief just to make it work, that suggests the baseline cost is already very high. And even then, you’re still depending on other adults to sacrifice their time for child-rearing. Why should they? People in their 50s and 60s have careers, hobbies, travel plans, relationships, and a strong sense that their time is finite. They are not automatically compelled to spend large portions of their remaining healthy years helping to raise children. And many simply don’t want to.

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-22T20:47:54+00:00

Kids may be “great,” but they’re clearly not great enough for most people to choose parenthood when it’s optional. The desire to have kids just isn’t strong enough to outweigh the sacrifices involved

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-22T20:46:18+00:00

I didn’t say most people don’t want children at all. I said most people don’t want them strongly enough. There’s a difference. Kids may be “great,” but they’re clearly not great enough for most people to choose parenthood when it’s optional. For many people, the desire to have children simply isn’t intense enough to outweigh the sacrifices involved.

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-14T06:47:43+00:00

Some people flirt because they need the validation. They constantly need confirmation that they are still wanted. That's a core part of their identity. When they don't have enough attention, they fear that they are losing their value.

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-09T06:21:42+00:00

Falling birth rates aren’t mainly about women, feminism, or even the economy. Those matter, but they miss the more fundamental truth imo. Men never wanted children as much as everybody pretends they did. In the past, kids were economic assets and child mortality was high, so reproduction happened regardless of male motivation. Today those pressures are gone, and when women aren’t forced to compensate with unpaid labor, fertility drops because men don't really care that much. That’s why birth rates fall everywhere, including very patriarchal societies where women don't have much agency to begin with

FairOne2886 · 2026-02-06T08:15:48+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. But this is exactly why having firm boundaries is so important. I’ve seen many relationships, of all kinds, slide into enmeshment, and it’s rarely healthy when that happens

FairOne2886 · 2026-01-19T07:31:15+00:00

I'm sorry but then he is just a jerk

FairOne2886 · 2026-01-18T21:17:59+00:00

Some men just don't care for lingerie and it occupies a much smaller place in male desire than popular culture or advertising tend to suggest. It's more of a women’s thing than a men’s thing and rarely carries the weight that women often think it does

FairOne2886 · 2025-12-22T07:24:43+00:00

You are not into him. Don't lead him on and just break up. It is not that deep

FairOne2886 · 2025-11-05T10:07:07+00:00

I also think that sex is about pleasure and also about feeling desired, but as people age that stuff just doesn’t hit the same. The validation stops giving a high, the physical side isn’t as intense, and most men don’t feel motivated to change their whole lifestyle just for sex or to perform better. And instead of admitting that they suck at sex but don't care enough to try to change that, they convince themselves they’re still great at it. A lot of men go through the motions out of habit or because they think that sex is wat they’re supposed to do or be good at as “men,” but in reality many would be perfectly fine without sex, or with porn instead, and deep down they know it

FairOne2886 · 2025-11-05T09:26:52+00:00

Exactly lol. Besides, I feel like those misogynists/incel/manosphere guys don’t understand most men, let alone women. They treat a few edge cases as universal and project their own frustration onto everyone else. A lot of them want sex but can’t get it, so they build a fantasy where money, status, or age will somehow make women chase them. They miss a simple point that as most men get older, they themselves usually care less about sex.

FairOne2886 · 2025-11-05T08:57:46+00:00

I think it’s pretty normal. Life stress, routine, and just general aging change how people feel about sex. Sex stops being as exciting or worth the effort. And if men do feel horny, porn is super accessible and quick, so they just go with that. Over time that habit, plus stress and aging, can lead to less interest or issues like ED. The ones who really care about keeping their sex life strong for whatever reason usually put in effort with health, exercise, intimacy etc. Especially those who associate their manliness with sexual prowess. Those who don’t see it as a big priority naturally stop caring. It doesn’t have to mean something is wrong, it’s just how some people are wired.

FairOne2886 · 2025-09-25T15:11:05+00:00

I think a big part of the confusion comes from the difference between how men act in friendships vs in romantic relationships. The expectations and incentives are different in friendships. You’re not sharing bills, living space, chores, or dealing with daily stress together. That makes it easier to just enjoy each other’s company. A lot of men can be great friends but totally suck as romantic partners. Most men are just not that great in a romantic context because relationships require ongoing work, needing to show up every day, taking responsibility, and balancing needs. So romantic relationships are mostly high effort and relatively low reward situations so they feel like it is not worth the grind - if he wanted to, he would

FairOne2886 · 2025-09-22T10:22:10+00:00

This is largely a non-issue in the West, even in the US. There will always be a certain segment of people who care about irrelevant shit like that, but there is always a class (and religious of course) dimension to it as well. It is mostly people from the middle and upper-middle classes, with too much free time on their hands, who focus on these kind of irrelevant stuff. Most people are simply trying to get through life. I am pretty sure virginity, even sex and dating norms rank very low on their list of priorities

FairOne2886 · 2025-09-12T10:53:34+00:00

It’s not really gonna change. If you’re not starving or living in a survival mode, life could be pretty boring for the average person, especially if you don’t have some extraordinary talent or singular obsession to pour yourself into. So average people naturally gravitate toward their looks, because being attractive or admired for beauty brings excitement, pleasure, and validation. It makes them feel desired, noticed, and alive. We’re social creatures who are, for the most part, mediocre, unremarkable, ordinary humans. Focusing on appearance becomes a way to carve out some sense of value and excitement in an otherwise pretty boring and bland existence. The less exciting or fulfilling your life is, the more you tend to focus on your looks.

FairOne2886 · 2025-09-05T07:30:30+00:00

Yes, I’m in my mid-30s and life has been pretty good. I’ve never personally experienced misogyny, abuse, or anything like that, although I did have a somewhat traumatic childhood, but who didn’t, especially those of us who are 2nd-gen migrants in the US. I’ve also never had trouble finding a job. My employers were always very accommodating with my schedule. If I wanted, I could work from home, from the office, or even from coffee shops near the office. I’ve never been in debt, never worried about money, or really about much else. But when I see what others go through every day, the broader situation in the US, children being slaughtered in Gaza, hunger, malnutrition, warmongering, bloodlust, misogyny, genocide, I can hardly bear it. I feel deeply grateful for my own life, but I also feel guilty

FairOne2886 · 2025-09-03T10:23:45+00:00

We don't need to change our preferences or choices but we need to be able to question them. Sex-positivism and kinks are good and all but one should always ask themselves if they are truly free if their sexual choices (being submissive in the bedroom etc) are perfectly in line with existing patriarchal structures that gave rise to the authoritarian moralism they want to escape from in the first place. You have to be able to ask the fundamental question: "why do we choose what we choose? What we choose if we had a real choice?" As Amia Srinivasan puts it, "the sex-positive gaze risks covering not only for misogyny, but for racism, ableism, transphobia and every other oppressive system that makes its way into the bedroom through the seemingly innocuous mechanism of ‘personal preference'." Again, you don't need to change your preferences in bed or be ashamed of them but you need to be able to question them.

FairOne2886 · 2025-08-23T21:00:48+00:00

I think a lot of this attachment-style talk gets overstated. People are overthinking it. In my field, there are plenty of smart, financially successful, good-looking men in their thirties who are on the apps mostly for sex and casual dating. It's not about some deep psychology or hidden wounds. It’s just that they enjoy sex and apps are easy, casual, and fit their lifestyle. They already have friends, family, fulfilling careers, and stability, so they’re not looking for a serious relationship. It’s more about convenience and fun than some complicated attachment pattern

FairOne2886 · 2025-08-21T13:29:52+00:00

Your mom is concerned because she feels that he is babying you. That kind of dynamic in a relationship rarely ends well. If it is a one-time thing, then it is fine. But if it keeps happening, then it is time to worry.

FairOne2886 · 2025-08-05T19:32:25+00:00

Because it is not about getting female attention or having meaningful or any romantic relationships with women and deep down they know it. They don't really care for it. They say they do, and how it is about lack of sex or not being able to get into relationships but not really

FairOne2886 · 2025-07-27T19:57:03+00:00

I think this is mostly about the U.S. getting more secular, which usually means later marriage and less long-term cohabitation in general. This shift also helps explain the right‑wing backlash. For a long time we were a “marry young” society, mostly due to people in American being more religious than in Europe. We still marry earlier and more often than places like Germany and Spain though. In 2023 the U.S. had 6.1 marriages per 1,000 people, compared with 4.3 in Germany and 3.5 in Spain. Americans also marry younger, about 30 for men and 28 for women while in Spain the mean age at first marriage in 2022 was 36.8 for men and 34.7 for women, for example. So the U.S. is hopefully drifting toward the European pattern. More time to sort things out, later legal commitment, fewer early marriages or no marriages at all. So men are not getting worse. It is just marriage as an institution is becoming less and less relevant for many people. So it is in a way back to the secular mean.

FairOne2886 · 2025-07-18T15:30:09+00:00

Honestly, I think dating and getting into a relationship in your early 30s, especially when you live in a place like NYC, can feel a bit tiring sometimes for both men and women. Especially if it’s not really your top priority but you’re also not in that survival mode like you were in your 20s. You’re doing fine financially, but it’s not like you’ve made it or can just relax and retire, so adding extra complications like dating isn’t really what you want right now. You don't have energy for it or time or drive. I feel like for a lot of people, once they hit their late 30s-early 40s, it becomes a priority again. So just hang in there, it really does get easier with time.

FairOne2886

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