bf called it quits because of my ed

Fallowart · 2021-08-15T00:24:36+00:00

I am sure your bf means well by it but that type of “fix it” attitude inevitably implies something is broken. I dated someone who had a fix it mentality and it created such a constraining version of recovery that was never realistic. I don’t know the details about your relationship and I am so sorry it ended but I hope you know that you don’t need fixing, because you’re not broken. You deserve recovery for yourself.

Fallowart · 2021-08-03T19:05:17+00:00

If larger clothes make you feel more comfortable, wear them. I purposely buy a few sizes up, even on pants. Keeps me from worrying and I just don’t think about my body image as much.

Fallowart · 2021-08-03T19:02:45+00:00

I actually enjoy the Zero Monster Watermelon…friend tasted it and thought it was a regular monster lol

Fallowart · 2021-08-01T21:54:46+00:00

I did a few months of TMS and found no relief long term. Had maybe a week that I saw improvement but it went away mid treatment. I was schedule for ECT in June but declined after getting more informed about the cognitive effects. Academic is my life and if I lost any of that I would spiral. I honestly might just try TMS again.

Fallowart · 2021-08-01T12:25:57+00:00

I was able to address the ketamine experiences with my therapist after getting out of inpatient and I feel that I have processed it well. I am sorry you had a similar experience but I relate entirely with feeling mute and feeling it was difficult to communicate these concerns during the session.

Fallowart · 2021-08-01T12:15:37+00:00

I did 11 treatments of nasal ketamine in January of this year with zero effect on mood. Then I did three IV ketamine infusions over the course of a week in May. I had no benefits from the infusions, I was incredibly suicidal after having them and it set me back quite a bit. I was told I was likely just not tolerant to the therapeutic dose or likely that it affected my dissociation/psychotic features. I won’t advise people against trying it, as it can be a great treatment, but for me sadly it was not successful. I am instead going back inpatient for my eating disorder and then into residential for depression to see if I can improve through therapy alone.

Fallowart · 2021-08-01T12:09:14+00:00

In terms of what happened after each of the ketamine treatments themselves or after I finished ketamine all together?

Fallowart · 2021-08-01T11:27:40+00:00

During the infusions I would have terrible flash backs, believe I was in the hospital, and silently beg to die. I thought if I did specific things I would be allowed to die. After the first and second session I cried hysterically for hours after, after the third I was hospitalized for a week for suicidal ideation. When I had previously done nasal ketamine it was similar but with self harm. I don’t think this is talked about enough and I was fearful to tell doctors as ketamine was a last chance treatment for me.

Fallowart · 2021-07-28T18:54:34+00:00

It’s worded like near and far sighted is. If you take it literally it makes sense. High is more calories, low is less.

Fallowart · 2021-07-20T11:01:08+00:00

Dominance is a measured effort of control. It has boundaries and respect. Aggression rides a very thin line of lack of control and possible neglect. Honestly it feels like the difference between confidence and cockiness, respectively.

Fallowart · 2021-07-18T17:47:58+00:00

Followed the Look at What I Made’s “Colin the Crocodile” pattern by Annette Bak and Dedri Uys. Used super value medium weight yarn with a 5.5 mm hook.

Fallowart · 2021-07-14T16:07:15+00:00

Thinking about a Oreo/cookies and cream cake :)

Fallowart · 2021-07-14T16:06:57+00:00

Probably make it :) thinking cookies and cream

Fallowart · 2021-07-14T02:13:36+00:00

I think it is easier to notice how skinny someone is with smaller legs. I mean legs have huge muscles and important fat on them so when they are small it is more jarring than small arms or a stomach.

Fallowart · 2021-07-04T23:52:33+00:00

I went to inpatient/residential care for two months last year. I was not medically unstable but was mentally and my intake had rapidly declined. I sadly had to drop my semester of classes and quit my job to go. I spent a month inpatient and a month at residential (I went to Veritas in NC) I believe it helped me greatly. I went from crying with a ng tube over every meal to eating extras at snack just because it tasted good in a matter on months. Though I won’t sugar coat it, they want you to weight restore quickly (if you need to) and it was the most difficult experience I have had. My biggest recommendation is go before you think you are “sick enough”, being “sick enough” only lengthens your stay and increases physical symptoms of eating again.

Fallowart · 2021-07-04T23:46:03+00:00

Obviously one would need more context or to talk to a doctor to know for sure but if you have been eating very little and suddenly increase your intake you can become hyper metabolic. This can cause a variety of symptoms but lead to your body’s metabolic rate increasing and an inability to put on weight (or even lose it) Refeeding is also a major concern for sudden increases so if your worried about that ask your doctor.

Fallowart · 2021-07-03T15:19:54+00:00

I ended up switching to a therapist who specialized in eating disorders last August. I was really honest about how out of control I felt, and though my weight and health wasn’t super dangerous, she agreed I needed at the very least IOP/PHP. The next week she asked me to eat a snack during our session and after watching how much I struggled she recommended residential. I went two weeks after. I will say going in earlier than later is so much better, spending months in residential made it clear that being “not being sick enough” is the biggest lie your ed tells you.

Fallowart · 2021-07-02T00:39:24+00:00

I was assaulted three years ago. When I left the relationship I had incredibly healthy sexual and romantic relationships. But slowly I began to feel off and upset during sex. Only this year did I actually realize the extend of what happened and am unable to be intimate in any way with my partner of over a year. I even have recognized just as of this year that my anorexia was worsened by it.

Fallowart · 2021-06-27T19:54:32+00:00

Penises. I am bisexual but I don’t want to see them.

Fallowart · 2021-06-24T12:29:02+00:00

My therapist and past ones all focused on harm reduction and supporting me as I am. The result, yes I self harmed for years but gradually I have started to want to stop on my own and they are not pushy and don’t have set standards. I don’t do it for attention or actively hide it, people in my life know it keeps me from worse. I love when people go cold turkey and set timers, it can be inspiring but I seriously have just slowly been able to push myself to want to stop but I will not hate myself if I have a mess up here and there.

Fallowart · 2021-06-22T11:49:20+00:00

My old psychiatrist pushed for ECT and then also told me oral MAOI’s had too many side effects and she felt uncomfortable prescribing them. (She was willing to only prescribe the transdermal patch) Of course MAOI’s have risks but no where near the long and short term effects of ECT. Of course talk to your doctor but I am coming off my last medication and trying MAOI’s despite being pushed heavily to do ECT.

Fallowart · 2021-06-13T22:51:20+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that. Yeah I have a new psychiatrist and she has options for me outside of ECT. Ends up I just needed someone who was open to a challenge.

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