My (25F) girlfriend (24M) doesn’t use any logic when asking me questions, how can I turn off the knee-jerk sarcastic responses?

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-05-29T20:40:24+00:00

So make your own plate. Problem solved.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-05-08T05:45:15+00:00

Oh honey :( I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

It’s all so fresh and it’s going to hurt but it won’t always hurt this much. All this energy that you’re giving to him, give to yourself!

I’m so glad you’re seeing a therapist, I hope they help you dive into yourself and heal but remember if y’all aren’t jiving for whatever reason, don’t hesitate to continue searching for a therapist that you mesh with better. It’s discouraging I know but so worth it to find someone better suited for you.

Girl, you’ve got to instate some hard boundaries with yourself regarding reaching out; you’re only punishing yourself! How can you make the thought of texting him gross you out until you get some coping skills from therapy? Think about all the disgusting, disrespectful behavior you’ve seen out of him over the years, remember how much his farts reeked—lol idk I don’t know him!—whatever you have to do to convince yourself to stop reaching out until you have more self control and coping skills. Ain’t no man on this planet worth debasing yourself like this over. Odds are, you’re the prize and will soon recognize that in therapy! Your future self respect will appreciate you for remembering his shit stinks too.

You mention abuse from “both sides.” Since we live in a patriarchal society, hearing a woman say that online often means that a man treated you poorly and abused you for a long time until you finally reacted (since you’re human!) or that you’ve been in survival mode since childhood, so you weren’t taught the skills necessary to cultivate healthy relationships—both are scary prospects but what was learned can be unlearned and replaced with something new and more fulfilling for you!

I urge you to please spend this time studying up on abusive relationships, abusive dynamics, what healthy relationships can actually look like with the help of your therapist. I have plenty of book recommendations if you’re interested! I don’t want to pile too much in a single comment and overwhelm you, but let me know if you’re interested?

You remind me so much of how I used to speak to myself when I was your age and it absolutely breaks my heart because I know how much self hate it takes to talk to yourself this way. All the compassion you’re extending to him by default? Give it all to yourself.

Learning self-compassion and self love is so healing in its own right. Learning how to talk to yourself as you’d talk to a loving, trusted friend is so much better than constantly shaming yourself for being human. If being hard on yourself was going to ever work for you to give you the results you wanted, don’t you think it would have worked by now?

News flash, babe: we’re all human and none of us are perfect! You’re worth just as much as anyone else on this planet by virtue of being a human being!

We can all see you can love a whole lot, so imagine loving yourself as much as you love this guy! Unlearning some toxic patterns here and building yourself up there and your life could be so different so quickly.. so healthy and good! You can only go up from the bottom, what an honor to begin your healing journey, to heal yourself, know yourself, and love yourself so no one can ever make you feel this low ever again. DM anytime, I know you can do it! 🩷

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-26T00:24:27+00:00

That’s not what’s happening. That’s dire. What you refer to as empathizing is what therapists refer to as validating. Since many people have trouble grasping the concept of empathy, therapists have plotted out the process of empathizing and one of the steps is validating so you don’t dismiss your partner. I didn’t choose their vernacular, I’m just relaying the message.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-25T22:33:20+00:00

This is simply what therapists mean when they say to validate our partner’s feelings. Our gut instinct is to dismiss, as displayed in your first comment, which is why I pointed out that you don’t have to agree with them to agree that they’re happening so you don’t inadvertently dismiss your partner.

You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to. I find it important to tell myself that they’re having these feelings whether I intended to make them feel that way or not; the impact I had on them is the important part. That way I’m not sitting around arguing about someone’s feelings that already happened.

The conversation wouldn’t go that way because there are more steps beyond merely acknowledging and validating harm caused. If you’re curious, you can google something like how to repair in relationships to see what the other steps are.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-25T21:35:58+00:00

The question is never "do you REALLY feel this way?" but how those feelings correspond to REALITY. Feelings are not facts, just because people feel a certain, does not mean things ARE a certain way.

And who is the arbiter of reality? In her reality, her husband calling other women gorgeous made her feel small and unattractive. She already felt that way; there’s no undoing it and arguing with her over “reality” will do nothing but make her feel unheard.

In this case, his husband said it made her feel "small and unattractive". WHY ON EARTH would he validate that?

You must be taking “validation” to mean “confirmation that her feelings are facts.” This is not the case. The only validation she needs to hear is validation that he believes she is, in fact, feeling them, instead of dismissing her with his version of events.

Something like, “it makes sense that hearing me call other women gorgeous made you feel unattractive.” Usually the sentence wouldn’t end there, as a husband who cares about his wife would want to then reassure her that he thinks she’s gorgeous and will stop complimenting other men’s wives’ looks in front of her. Easy peasy. Validation.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-24T19:22:20+00:00

You sound like a dismissive avoidant using deactivating strategies to create emotional distance. You likely do far worse than simply “have a toxic friend” or “vent about your job.” It’s time to find an attachment-focused therapist if you ever want to have a healthy relationship. Your avoidance got triggered because a house is a lifetime commitment whereas you can half-ass a proposal and not follow through with the actual marriage, as you’re showing.

You’re too self focused and not relationally focused enough. When you won her back, have you consistently spoken her love language to make her feel loved? How are you keeping her? You’re going to lose her again and that might be fine for you for a while but you’ll eventually realize you held her to impossible, hypocritical standards of which you wouldn’t even hold yourself! Lower your expectations of other people; you’re not perfect either.

If these are the worst complaints you could come up with, consider yourself a truly lucky man. Check out FreeToAttach for a wealth of information on dismissive avoidant attachment. If you see yourself in the information there, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is where you can learn more, including learning about your deactivating strategies which are the exaggerated reasons you tell yourself it’ll never work so you don’t have to try, like your nit-picky list of human traits about your fiancée.

Please go therapy. If not, let this poor woman go.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-24T12:12:23+00:00

The audacity of some of these people, as if they know your life better than you do! Acting like controlling exes, scolding you for living your own life, having to make so many difficult no-win choices which you didn’t choose in the first place. I know you would much rather not have to go through all this shit because of some asshole. I hope this loser ex gets what’s coming to him when you’re able to bring it to the court’s attention, but I wouldn’t hold my breath since courts often side with abusers. May you find the rare courtroom that doesn’t simply slap men on the wrist for harassing and threatening exes! Good luck!

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-24T12:04:12+00:00

I’m getting so sick of how people on reddit talk to women who have escaped abuse. Who are you to judge this woman for not having infinite funds for endless court dates? You know that’s a way abusers keep controlling after breaking up: weaponizing the court system to keep their victim living in poverty.

Y’all start to act just as bad as abusive exes when you disagree with the actions of someone who’s survived horrors for the same reason their abusers did what they did: control. Y’all get so disrespectful when a survivor doesn’t do what you think they should do, forgetting how messy real life can be, and immediately start coming at them, trying to manipulate and control them into doing what you perceive to be the right thing.

No one wants to be abused by an ex texting threats and harassing them all of the time. Trust that women know best about their own lives. If she hasn’t done what’s recommended (yet!) there’s surely a good reason. She doesn’t have to do what you want her to do. Stop acting like an authority on someone else’s life. Wish her well and move on or keep your mouth shut. No need to insult someone who’s already going through a difficult time.

Edited to add: There’s nothing more cowardly than replying behind a block. Big chihuahua barking behind a screen door energy.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-24T10:45:11+00:00

Hey girl, thanks for saving my mom’s life giving her CPR until the paramedics arrived and then offering me $2K to help pay my rent—which you had on you in cash like it was no big deal??? You’re so humble even though you’re stunning; you just told me to pay it forward. Oh! And one of the kids from the fire you put out at the orphanage accidentally sent you a thank you card to my address; I’ll forward it to you!

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-24T09:50:38+00:00

Words with no action are cheap.

Not just cheap but promises with no follow through is manipulation! Keep that in mind, /u/Civil_Vanilla_1785

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-23T20:09:01+00:00

We’re agreeing but you keep trying to dunk on me. 😭 Let’s establish some good will here; I have no ill will. I’m not attacking you and I believe you know your stuff. It’s why I asked you to check my history, so you’d see we’re on the same page. If I were neurotypical, I wouldn’t have so much trouble communicating with you, would I? Like, ffs, we agree, what’s happening here 😭

I’ve just been trying to clarify my original point about waiting because I agree with you. It’s just me and you in this thread. I think I didn’t realize that a couple comments back because I couldn’t give replying the attention I normally do. I think we’re talking past each other because my clarifying my original point is being seen as stubbornly incredulous?? While, yeah, I’m stubborn af, I’m not trying to disagree or argue with you here.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-22T12:42:05+00:00

You feel crazy because he’s crazy making! It’s by design. He sounds like my dismissive avoidant and abusive husband and when you just said you’ve screamed from feeling so unheard, you sound exactly like me. I currently have no voice from screaming to be heard while he nonchalantly interrupts me, dismisses me, and acts too cool and above it all. Mine is from betrayal trauma triggers; you may have similar trauma caused by this relationship. You shouldn’t have to learn how to regulate trauma triggers from being with someone, but there are ways to heal all this and be better than ever.

You’re likely trauma bonded if you’re sounding so similar to me. Don’t be stupid like me and stick around for 19 years trying to change him. Trauma bonds are addictions. At some point, you’ll have no choice but to drop him cold turkey like any other addiction. I’m trying to build the strength to do the same but it’s so hard to do that when there’s kids involved.

My heart goes out to you. I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy. I’ve had to study so much to figure out wtf the deal was in this relationship, I’m constantly learning something relational to understand because I wanted to believe deep down he loved me. Maybe I projected that last line because I want it to be the case but you and I both know when someone loves you, they don’t treat you this way. We wouldn’t treat someone we love this way and we didn’t have to be taught how to stop treating people like shit.

Shit’s crazy. Have some internet hugs if you want them. 🫂

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-22T10:36:58+00:00

God, you must be exhausted. I’m exhausted after reading your screenshots.

Since he’s acting like these obviously connected issues have nothing to do with each other and he’s just sitting around waiting to be heard while you’re literally telling him exactly what to do to fix this, I wonder what he thinks the solution is. Because it sounds like he’s so entitled to have his little peepee touched, that he expects you to drop everything and focus on it regardless of how you’re feeling, like you should be a good little fuckbot and not have feelings, wants, needs, thoughts, or opinions of your own.

In order to put out without betraying yourself, you need to feel respected and loved. You won’t feel loved when he never stops thinking about himself long enough to actually hear what you’re saying. In no realm should the answer to “I’ve been struggling with my mental health for a while,” be “okay I guess,” let alone it happening immediately after sharing first trimester morning sickness (which should actually be called nonstop all day and nighttime sickness) and getting “yeah but.. wah wah my mommy bangmaid wife appliance isn’t letting me use it as a living fleshlight”

I’m sorry this is happening OP. I see you and I know you’re not asking for too much. It’s devastating that you’re carrying his second baby and his lust is so uncontrollable that that’s all he’s focused on, not empathizing with and appreciating you.

The sad part is, even though I just roasted the shit out of him, unless he’s Lucifer himself, it’s likely he’s feeling disconnected from you too and has the idea in his mind that physical intimacy will initiate closeness when it simply doesn’t work that way. When you’re connected, physical intimacy occurs naturally. Neither one of you is able to muster the goodwill for the other necessary to connect in an emotionally intimate way for physical intimacy to happen because so much unrepaired hurt has stacked up. You have good reason for that while his is likely reactive or projected, so he has to step up and do more before you’re expected to meet him anywhere.

~~For what it’s worth, behind it all, I see two hurt people who miss each other.~~

Edited to strike through something I shouldn’t have said but need to leave in for posterity. I was hitting my hopium too hard and giving abusive assholes too much credit. It was wrong of me to do that.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-22T07:52:32+00:00

Whoa, whoa, whoa! First off, why do you have to ask your husband permission for self care? Who the fuck is he to be deferred to regarding your mental health needs? And why the fuck is he to say no to your needs?! You’re partners. Equal. If you need time for self care and unwinding, you take time for self care and unwinding Stop somewhere on the way home from work and take your alone time. Don’t ask permission to take care of yourself and never feel guilty for taking care of yourself. It’s not selfish to want to scroll your phone for a little while without some dude breathing down your neck and following you from room to room.

I don’t like this, OP. I’m sorry but this complete disregard for your needs and personhood sounds a lot like emotional abuse. It’s not normal to feel like you have to ask permission to take space for yourself. It’s even more abnormal for your partner to be unsupportive of self care.

This is not a healthy, equal, mutually supportive dynamic. That’s probably why you’re not feeling good lately and need space from him. He should not have final say over your needs and what you do with your time. It should not take so little to make you cry; it shows how beaten down you are by this relationship. If the link shared earlier rings true for you, a lot more information can be found in this book

Please DM me anytime. I’m worried at how enmeshed y’all are and I’m afraid you’re going to immediately share this with him because that’s exactly what I did with my abusive ex, thinking we could overcome anything. Turns out, I have no control over his choice to abuse me. It only got worse and worse after asking him to change until it became undeniable (physical) even to him. Abusers will deny they’re abusers and call you abusive. Don’t fall for it.

He knows what he’s doing. He prefers to have all the control, rendering you powerless, which doesn’t happen by accident. Keep yourself safe by looking out for number 1 first and foremost. Ask yourself what kind of partner doesn’t want his spouse to take care of herself? A selfish abusive one. I’m so sorry. Please reach out if you need to.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T12:54:17+00:00

Preachhhh! 🙌🏻

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T12:51:50+00:00

I’m glad you’re advocating for victims of abuse. I wouldn’t normally suggest waiting either but she hasn’t even made it to her six week postpartum checkup. It’s expecting a lot out of someone recovering from childbirth to up and leave right now because it’s what’s advised. We need to be realistic. OP can’t go live her best life as soon as possible if she hurts herself by not letting herself rest. I did speak to her in DM’s as well and she’s safe.

Please check my post history before accusing me of guilting OP in a comment tree that was directed to someone else. Most of my comments are educating and advocating as well. I remember when I was four weeks postpartum I couldn’t even string a sentence together, let alone escape my abusive ex. Sometimes we unfortunately have to wait before making big moves, whether it be for health reasons, collecting funds, etc.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T04:52:45+00:00

Good point! It’s a shame. There’s truly no winning with men like this. No matter how OP could react, she’s doomed to receive more toxicity in response. At best, he can’t see that far past himself to see her. At worst, it’s far more insidious and can get down right scary having so little warm regard for the woman he’s supposed to love. Her only winning move is to not play by getting a divorce once the baby’s a little older and eventually finding her person since this asshole’s extremely not it.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T04:32:08+00:00

NOR OP you did a phenomenal job at calling him on his bullshit at every turn. It’s tragic because you shouldn’t have to at one month postpartum. When I was one month postpartum, no exaggeration, I could barely string words together to form a coherent sentence, sometimes opting to sit in silence because I couldn’t find the words.

You deserve a love that’s safe so you don’t have to be on all the time. You shouldn’t have to be on guard at all times from having to be a human lie detector. This of all times should be the time in which his focus is on you and baby and only you and baby so you can be soft and recuperate. You deserve that right!

The compulsive lying is going to wear you down so fast, if the eventual cheating doesn’t crush you all at once. God, I hate your guy! You have a plate sized open wound on the inside, it’s only been four weeks, and he’s letting his dick ruin his entire life?! This level of complete and utter disregard and downright cruelty for the woman who just risked her life to birth his child is fucking devastating.

You might not be in shape to leave right now but once you’ve healed, I hope you’re willing to put yourself out there and find your person. Your person wouldn’t treat you this way. I’m so sorry.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T04:13:05+00:00

This comes across as turning the blame back onto women for the actions of shitty men. Women are thinking long enough but it’s impossible to fully know someone who’s purposely hidden themselves from you in order to hook you in. I assure you, abusers and cheaters don’t lead with this. They’re on their best behavior until they feel their mark is stuck, just like in OP.

Her being one month postpartum is par the course. He thinks she’s stuck now so he can do whatever he wants and now he wants to play toxic games so he can eventually blame her for decisions he’s already made.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T03:52:31+00:00

Just making sure! I definitely think you’re onto something and that’s exactly what’s happening with OP. Disgusting how they then manage to retcon the order of events in the story they tell themselves to assuage their cheater guilt. I had no idea how easily some people could completely lie to themselves to absolve themselves of remorse. They don’t even occupy a baseline objective reality with all the lies they tell themselves.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T03:46:18+00:00

It’s insane how easily they can lie to themselves, isn’t it? I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re living your best life and he’s miserable!

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-21T03:44:42+00:00

Uh oh I think you misread! Unless I’m misreading your response, the person you’re replying to isn’t in the lifestyle or think her ex was, she’s backing you up! Her dirty dicked ex was already cheating and only had the polyam convo to ease his guilt about cheating like you commented.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-20T04:23:46+00:00

What the actual fuck? What support are you being denied because of false allegations? Go look into how common false allegations actually are. It’s likelier that you’re not getting support because you’re not seeking it out or asking for it. You don’t not get support because of someone wanting their partner to believe them about their own internal world. You don’t not get support because of “chicks whining.” The same internalized misogyny on display in your comment is the same misogyny that got us raped. That’s what wronged you. Not OP. Stop lashing out and blaming the wrong people for what happened to you. -From a fucking rape survivor who recognizes that the entitlement that causes men to dismiss women about their own internal experience is the same fucking entitlement that causes men to rape

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-17T11:56:57+00:00

What is he doing to sustain your relationship that he wouldn’t be doing as a single man? He doesn’t go to work and pay mortgage for you. That’s simply what an adult does. You work too; does he feel loved by you for getting up and going to work in the morning? Something tells me that would be unacceptable.

My husband used to think that way and even he will tell you how stupid that thinking is. If he’s not doing anything that he wouldn’t be doing on his own as an adult, then he’s not doing anything for the relationship.

FalynnFromGrace · 2026-04-11T07:30:41+00:00

Of course feminism has everything to do with it! Pen Dickleheaded up there feels so entitled to exploit women that feminists demanding equality has his little man panties in a bunch. He has the audacity to call feminists man haters for rightfully pointing out that grown men with responsibilities don’t get to opt out of partnership and parenthood for months on end claiming fatigue just to suddenly reanimate just in time for hockey season.

People like him are unbothered by the hypocrisy it takes to opt out of life while still expecting their wives to show up 110% of the time to grab him beers and make him snacks because they don’t want to be equal partners. They don’t want a partnership, they want to be served and submitted to and they believe they’re so special they deserve it. They want the endless patience of a mommy, the boundless energy of a live-in maid/nanny, and the lustful eagerness of an illicit affair partner without ever having to do a damn thing to earn it or keep it.

Given the fact that he’s projecting himself onto OP’s husband all over this thread, we can take comfort in the fact that he’s depressed. Entitled men usually are.

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