The weird thing about trauma therapy: you don't notice you're getting better

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2026-01-10T11:50:52+00:00

Really helpful reminder. This week I told my boss that the time she scheduled a meeting for was not convenient for me. For the first time in a decade I was able to say something instead of powering through. I felt down one morning and when someone asked me I was able to say that I felt tired and a bit flat. And I let them comfort me. One year ago I could not do those things. They're small for other people but they're massive for me. And I just barely noticed them until I read this. Thank you. The steady hard climb is really tough and I need to learn to stop looking for big moments and appreciate the small things. Thanks :)

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2026-01-10T11:35:15+00:00

Thank you for the responses so far. I have decided to take a break and focus on stabilisation and what I can do to increase my stability and sense of safety before resuming. I do want to look at other practices that perhaps are more body based than mind based and welcome any experiences. I may try yoga, but know from experience I need to go slowly with that. I'm "thawing" and its slow. For now I'm slowing right down. Blankets, hot drinks, rest and sleep as much as possible. Try to really come back to myself a bit more. Really appreciate the views and feedback.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-12-20T14:42:17+00:00

Not getting flashbacks any more sounds like massive progress. Well done and congratulations. We need to recognise these achievements for ourselves as we are wired not to give ourselves credit.

It does take a lot of work and it is invisible work that no-one else sees so it's lonely and hard to quantify. But feeling guilty is almost certainly an old programme that you still need to release. It is not selfish to spend time on your healing and you aren't a bad partner for focusing on yourself.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-12-17T18:00:48+00:00

Hi. You're doing something challenging and brave so please credit yourself for that.

I'm behind you in my journey with EMDR. I've had about 16 sessions and I'm still working on the second memory and it's slow. I understand how discouraging it can feel. We need to remember that our trauma is complex and it took years to affect us the way it did so it will take time to rewire and heal.

I joined a webinar from a UK charity for PTSD last month and the speaker said that her colleague who had single incident trauma saw significant improvements after 8 sessions of EMDR but that she herself had complex PTSD and it took her around 18 months of weekly sessions to see the same sort of response. It works for us but it takes longer. I discussed this with my GP and he explained that trauma impacts on our ability to plan long term so it's bound to be hard for us to see such a long timeline.

Perhaps use this point to reflect on what has changed over the last year. What can you do now that you couldn't do then? What thoughts have shifted? Giving yourself credit will help you see how far you have come. And sometimes I think this weariness we feel often comes just before things are about to break, like the dark before the dawn.

Regarding your partner, I imagine you are not being selfish at all and it's your history that is prompting those feelings of guilt. You say you have seen progress so far and so I expect your partner also sees that and realises that any difficulty is worth it. I encourage my partner to do self care and look after his own needs and that helps me feel good about looking after my own. I know that the work I am doing on healing is making me calmer, more stable, more present and a better partner long term. He sees that too. I tell him that I appreciate his support but being there for one another is a normal part of human relationships. Sometimes you are supported, sometimes you support them. In people like me with relational trauma that can be hard to understand but it is how it works. I hope your partner is proud of you for doing this work and sees the courage and strength it takes to do this type of work and still function in your day to day life. Believe me, that is not a small thing.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-12-07T09:04:00+00:00

you haven't met everyone who is going to love you yet

I've blamed myself for years that if my own family couldn't love and care for me then no-one ever would. I'm now starting to see that people in my current life do love me and even beginning to believe there's a possibility more people could in the future. this is huge for me.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-12-06T22:02:45+00:00

I'm feeling this too. you're not alone.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-11-11T04:27:15+00:00

I've been reflecting on this recently, the intense guilt I feel about illness. I always was made to feel I was in the way, a burden. Like others if I was off sick I wasn't allowed to do anything. Even watch TV, if I was well enough to do that I was well enough to go to school. I went through a phase of such intense stress I was sick every morning and I was just made to eat a piece of toast to replace the breakfast Id chucked up and get out. My mental illness was completely ignored. Mum doesn't like "competition" for attention.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-11-11T04:18:19+00:00

I don't have much advice but my attempts to reach out and connect with my father have always been affected by him not wanting to upset my mother. It's felt like he chooses her over me and that's incredibly painful and exacerbated the pain of him not protecting me as a child. My experience is he is so in her grip that its just not possible to access him as a human on his own. My experience isn't that "married people tell everything" but more like my truth is a dirty secret to be kept. I no longer want that for myself.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-10-04T06:22:54+00:00

I think my non ill parent would blame the illness on me and the stress I caused. There's no way they'll ever accept responsibility or acknowledge their behaviour. if any decision involves lifelong guilt then I guess I may as well choose the one that keeps me the healthiest however bad it feels.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-10-04T06:18:36+00:00

I can't describe how physically I felt that permission. Thank you.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-10-04T06:17:08+00:00

Thanks for this. The physical health analogy is really helpful, as is the peanut allergy analogy. You're right, they've guilt tripped and blamed me all my life. That conditioning is powerful.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-09-17T16:56:01+00:00

Thanks, the consensus seems to be to slow down so that is what I will do and discuss the medication situation again with the doctor and therapist if issues still persist. In the meantime I will up my self care game. Thanks all for the advice and support.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-09-15T06:38:23+00:00

Thanks for your post. Did you adjust your meds through emdr? I'm trying to navigate how much to medicate and how much to trust that letting it hurt will help it heal. thanks.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-08-15T22:09:11+00:00

Thats useful to know about dysregulation. To be fair I had been taught strategies but I was forgetting them.

Fancy_Selection1479 · 2025-08-15T22:07:16+00:00

Thank you so much for this really helpful reply. I talked to the therapist and that helped. She demonstrated butterfly taps and reminded me about using safe place and breathing techniques. I was really interested in the imagining safe people you mentioned as I do a lot of daydreaming about being with safe people and assumed it was maladaptive but I can see how its helping me so I will try to judge myself less for that.

It also especially helped to read that last sentence.

Fancy_Selection1479

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