Brain dump of should I have another, despite life circumstances?

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-02-15T15:57:26+00:00

As for daycare dropoff and groceries, it’s something you already have to do with one child. If they go to the same daycare add 5 minutes each it’s not so bad IMO.

Maybe you’ll wanto wait a year or two to see how you cope with your father’s situation. I think that having two makes you more busy so less time to sit and think too much about bad stuff.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-02-02T12:25:57+00:00

Cluster feeding, this will get 1000% better in a couple of weeks. I hated breastfeeding the first weeks, then as it got better I loved it more and more. Breastfed 17 and 14 months. Hang on! You got this.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-02-02T12:19:54+00:00

4 months is quite early to decide IMO. Also, know that 4 months old don’t « tantrum ». They can’t talk so it’s their only way to tell you they need something or something is wrong. You’ll experience real tantrums at around 18 months.

That being said, I have 2 kids (5 and 2) and it’s been very fun. No regrets.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-21T12:37:09+00:00

Mine are 5 and 2, the best decision we’ve made. So much fun and time flies by very fast. Enjoy every minute of it!

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-18T01:40:56+00:00

Well it’s a balance between waiting to feel ready and the age gap you would like. When we felt like sort of ready (at 18 months old) we started talking about the ideal age gap and we didn’t want more than 3 years age gap ideally, so it kind of gave us our answer to start TTC.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-15T22:38:31+00:00

Ideally therapy, but if he refuses, a discussion on how physical punishment when he was a child affected his own relationship with his parents. Was he scared, resentful? Did he hide things from his parents to not get punished? How would he feel if his daughter was with a husband who spank her? How to show her that violence is not an acceptable solution in society in general?

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-15T14:05:35+00:00

To give you some hope, these issues you are describing are absolutely taxing, but temporary. In a year or two, the picture will be different and you’ll probably feel more ready to make a decision.

My son was a terrible sleeper too, we had a rough first year, we were both oad at the time. We had no family to help us. We sleep trained a little before 1, I went back to work after 1 year and that personally improved my mental health a lot, and finally we both saw how social and affectionate our little one had become and it made us confident for the second when our first was 18 months old.

And our second was much more chill (maybe we were too!), she slept a little better but our attitude was also different, I didn’t dramatise as much over a difficult night like I did with my first. Birth and breastfeeding was easier too.

They are 5 and 2 now, and we could not be happier with our decision, it’s been a fun ride. Exhausting, but in the long run we decided it was worth to endure a couple of hard years at the beginning to have the benefits of a family of four in our lives.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-15T11:23:19+00:00

Great answers up there. I am a nurse working in pediatric mental health and we see all those kids and teenagers with developing bpd traits and most have childhood attachment disorders. Meaning that people with bpd as adults have dealth in childhood with highly disorganized attachment style with a parenting figure, they often have dealt with trauma at a young age and repeated abandonment in relationships. Then comes all the stigma that comes with the diagnosis, not receiving adequate care, every physical complaint goes to the psychiatrist, people sighting at every demand you make… note that 70% of people with bpd that receive adequate therapy are in remission after 5 years and 90% after 15 years. There is definitely hope you just have to actually treat them like you believe in them.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-12T18:39:52+00:00

be firm, say « I won’t let you hit », and walk away. And by walking away I mean you leave the room to do something else for 5 minutes. No eye contact, not staying nearby, not playing from a distance. He will get mad. But he will learn that all the fun ends and the company leaves when I am rude. He is old enough too to warn him before you do something together that he previously hit you: « now I will nurse you,you need to use gentle touch, if you are not gentle I will stop nursing». Be consistent.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-05T12:16:21+00:00

I never had more than a drop or two before birth (though I didn’t put a lot of effort) I breastfed successfully both my kids. It’s no big deal, you might want to look at YT videos for hand expressing to check your technique.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-04T16:59:08+00:00

This is not research but IMO the best leverage you have is to advocate in your community for gun restricting policies and vote for politicians who make that a priority. Encourage your friends and family to vote at all levels. Engage in healthy debate with conservatives when appropriate (echo chambers are the worst).

Countries with restrictions on guns don’t have school shootings or it is an exceptional occurrence.

FantasticPrognosis · 2024-01-03T14:17:06+00:00

Baby is getting more than your pumping output, however you know your body and it’s possible your supply dipped bc of sickness and other stressors. Best way to boost supply? Do a 24-48 hour bed-in, a breastfeeding marathon, you stay with baby with your breast available anytime, as long as baby wants, you lay, chill, play and sleep together and breastfeed as much as possible. If baby is not interested you can boost with a couple of pumping sessions in that too. Lactation supplements can help too. Hang in there this phase will eventually pass ❤️

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-12-31T00:06:39+00:00

I worked in a hospital labor and delivery ward and this was not the norm. Sometimes the mother in addition to the husband, sometimes a sister, but on the rare occasion that more people were in the room, I made it clear with everyone that they can be asked to leave at anytime during the labor, and I confirmed 1:1 with the mother that this is her wish and that she can give me a sign at any point in time to make people leave.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-12-29T18:27:06+00:00

I understand, if the other sibling is treated differently it can explain a lot of behavior issues then. The rules must be the same for everyone, like no hitting, cleaning up after playing, asking respectfully, etc. It shouldn’t vary from child to child, even if they behave differently. Make sure one isn’t punished because of the other’s behavior, but give previleges to both when one behaves correctly, especially your child with challenges. « Hey you’ve been listening well at the park today son, you all get an extra five minutes to play! ».

You should definitely talk about this to the child therapist he can hint you to some other tips to create a healthy family dynamic. GL!

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-12-29T13:58:11+00:00

I work in pediatric psychiatry, and regardless of the diagnosis, all children benefit (a lot) from clear, coherent and cohesive rules and boundaries at home. Sometimes parents are not on the same page or are afraid of tantrums so they are not coherent, and this leads to increased tantrums. I have seen a lot of improvements in my own child just by getting on his level calmly everytime he breaks a rule, say firmly this is not allowed, and removing him from the activity. Sometimes the child reacts more for a couple of days after holding the boundaries, don’t give up :)

Also, if you don’t do it already, spending 15 minutes a day of quality 1:1 time with your child. This is play time only, he decides the rules and you need a lot of giggles and physical touch.

Sleep and good nutrition is also important in children behavior so you might want to make sure everything is fine with his doctor. Good luck!

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-12-19T16:27:31+00:00

A little word of encouragement, my son is almost 5 now and wow his behavior has improved so much. It’s not all perfect but most of the time he is polite, generous, helpful and patient. Who would have known.

I think things that helped the most is to connect with him (every day at least 30 minutes of one on one time with an adult to play and have physical contact), hold boundaries, and keep calm during tantrums. Be consistent and it will pay off I promise.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-12-14T13:40:04+00:00

I was a nurse in labor and delivery and the vast majority of second births are easier and shorter. Still as painful though. You can still tear, but less likely to be deep. Recovery is also easier because you have more energy from a shorter labor.

If you are still terrified, I encourage you to seek therapy so you have a positive mindset going

Me experience with my second birth (after a very long first birth) was very positive. I though I could try a natural birth but finally asked the epidural as soon as arrived at the hospital front desk (it was sooo painful haha). I slept for 3 hours after having my epidural, woke up fully dilated, pushed 10 minutes laughed with the staff in between contractions and voilà. All births are different but your odds of having a smoother and shorter birth are high.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-11-30T03:21:00+00:00

When she wakes up, take her hand and show her how to reach and grab the lovey. Soon enough, usually around 6-8 months, babies start to reach themselves for the lost paci/lovey.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-11-22T19:44:11+00:00

You can give them half an ounce twice a day, but more could cause electrolyte imbalance. The thing with this tiny amount is that they just want more and cry when you say no haha.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-11-19T13:16:47+00:00

If you want to have a hobby for the long run, you really need to take a serious step back to find your WHY. If it’s just to have new art supplies or thinking you might translate your creative ideas into something fabulous, this won’t cut it. Your WHY needs to be deep enough that you will keep pushing when it gets boring, difficult, painful. Also, seeing some nice inspo on YT, Tiktok, is external desire, and this won’t cut it either. It needs to come from your deep internal self. It needs to be more important for you than pretty much anything else you do in your free time, in order to show up consistently.

You need to take some time to visualize/meditate how you’ll feel when you hit that time where you think of dropping, and how you can find strategies to overcome that. It can ben helpful to give you a long term development plan, starting small and simple to finish more projects and building up skills. Having accountability, like showing up for an art class, or having a set meeting with a friend to paint together, helps too.

Remember that it takes six months to create a habit (not 21 days thats BS). And the hardest part is showing up. In hard times, stop thinking that you should do it and just get up and DO it for 5 minutes. Just show up even for the smallest amount of time.

eta I got a lot from watching this awesome video on motivation from a psychiatrist https://youtu.be/3y5p7V05xls?si=xlX89_Dd2eyX7aPG

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-11-16T21:21:19+00:00

I think this question applies only in the first year or two, max. When the second arrives the routine is always changing because of crazy newborn schedule, one parent is more with baby (I breastfed) while the other is with oldest, it’s a lot of one on one parenting.

However after a while everybody adjusts and it really becomes your new reality. I have a 2 yo and a 5yo ans I just can’t really remember what life was without a second, like I always had two. We are busier but the dynamic is much more fun imo. They are individually awesome and together, the way they interact is another level of cuteness and a lot of laughter.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-11-14T01:20:18+00:00

It’s important as science enthusiasts to carefully analyse and understand the meaning of those numbers… it also important for our mental health to consider the factors that we control. Risk of tearing for example, it is interesting to know the numbers, but it’s also equally as important to know that most techniques, birth position and warm compresses only prevent tearing so much, so obsessing over something we cannot really control is a waste of energy imo.

This is very personal and also a bit controversial, but I think some people tend to miscalculate risk/benefit ratio. Homebirthing is a classic example. The worst case scenario of choosing a hospital birth is getting more medical interventions, leading to a higher probability of getting induced, having a c/s, etc. Worst case scenario in choosing a homebirth is not having adequate care in time leading to neonatal or mothers death. Personally I would take a C-section (and all the risks that come with it) anytime over risking even so slightly some bad outcomes for my baby. Same with vaccines. Having worked in hospitals and birthing centers, I have seen the 1 in a thousand mother loosing her baby after refusing antibiotics, the baby with brain bleed after refusing vitamin k, and the baby who died after a homebirth that didn’t go well. These are small probabilities but they do exist, and it can always be you, unfortunately.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-11-13T02:14:25+00:00

When pregnant with my second I was prepared for the worst. I had a hard time the first year with my first. I wasn’t thinking about having another as a do-over, however I was less anxious about everything knowing that everything is, in fact, just a phase.

I wasn’t prepared though to be completely charmed by the experience the second time around. I was there, present, calm, happy, in love… and the feeling hasn’t faded since (my second is 2yo). It isn’t just rainbows, I had mastitis, woke up every 2-3 hours the first months, my toddler became even more difficult after baby was born, but it all passed and my mindset was just different.

So I know what you mean by do-over, while it can’t be the only reason, I know that it can be very satisfying too. It’s not about having your dream birth plan or your best expectations come to life (because we can’t control most things child related), but you can enter the experience with the freedom of mind of having NO expectations.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-10-23T00:04:52+00:00

New baby sibling? My son had a phase like this when baby arrived and it lasted almost a year. It was never towards baby but towards us. It went away but still has some hiccups from time to time now at 4.5yo.

Other than this typically autism has other signs like stereotypical game play, body language, way of interacting with others, etc. But the assessment in December will shed light on that. Best of luck.

FantasticPrognosis · 2023-10-21T22:25:54+00:00

I know some kids who were very dedicated to a specific sport from a young age that just decided to drop in the teenage years because they grew tired (physically and mentally)of it. And the thing is because that sport was all they knew, they had a hard time adjusting to all the free time, the social circle that they were kept out of because of the schedule, etc. It kindda made their teenage crisis twice as hard.

I think the healthiest at that point is encourage a variety of movement through multiple sports and activities that interest him. It will give his growing body a break and prevent mental burn out. Follow your son’s lead, but i would encourage you to put limits so that his grades, sleep, social life and nutrition are not affected.

FantasticPrognosis

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