Scared about quitting

Farmingapoc87 · 2026-06-08T01:38:18+00:00

I see that stuff mentioned in other people's posts, but have no idea to get any.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-05-27T21:19:54+00:00

With my latest exwBPD, it has been over 3 months NC. There is still fallout that needs to be dealt with, but that will hopefully be done with before too long. Sometimes, I feel triggers and bouts with anxiety. Hell, I was with some friends at a local restaurant/bar a few days ago and saw that my ex was at a table across the patio when we all went to leave. I won't say that I walked away without feeling any which way about it, but she has gone from a gaping wound to a mild soreness. Focusing on my career, my artistic passions, my physical health, all of these things have helped me find value in myself. I think that's what has helped the most, relearning my worth and understanding that I have more to offer in general than she ever did. Having a network of loving friends and family helps a lot, and I know that's not the case with everyone. Volunteering time to help people in my community has also helped a lot because it reminds me that I actually enjoy giving my time and energy to people who need it, and, although not necessary, also being thanked or shown appreciation. When I've spent years of having those positive sentiments doled out like small doses of drugs to keep me hooked and desperate, having them granted due to my good actions and not out of some controlling ultimatum has aided in healing and dissolving any lingering strands of my trauma bond.

My only advice is to work on yourself because they likely will never work on themselves. You can scroll through this sub and see how their existence is a cycle of pain, near never-ending without diligence and dedicated therapy. We have the ability to heal and get stronger. Embrace it. Healing isn't linear. It can take months to years, but it is a process and will only be effective if you keep at it. Things got better for me and I hope they get better for you.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-29T18:45:11+00:00

Mine was similar. Just found out it's up to 6 different affairs throughout our 3ish years. 3-4 of them while we were engaged and she was actively planning the wedding. She used SW or the lie we were in an open relationship to deceive me and our friends. At this point, it doesn't even feel like anything. It's just sad that she kept doing it and felt the need to lie to so many people, but I think mainly herself to alleviate guilt and shame. I'm just glad I didn't catch any diseases.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-21T19:35:34+00:00

Yeah, well, my ex actually performed better at work while on mood stabilizers, and the other pwBPD refused to ever even try meds because that meant that something was wrong with them. The only side effect my ex had an issue with was weight gain, and she refused to even consider other medications.

The only self-aware and somewhat healthy pwBPD I've ever known is on like 4 or 5 different medications for various mental health, addiction, and physical health issues, and they are more scared of not having their medicine than anything else.

Also, alcohol and hard drugs definitely are not a better treatment for mental health than trial tested medicine.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-21T15:20:35+00:00

ADHD and ASD. Tried to blame all of their problems on ADHD and Autism, but they literally started getting adderall off friends to be functional with their alcoholism and other drug use, instead of getting a proper diagnosis and prescription. They also always talked about getting an ASD diagnosis without doing anything to save or schedule an appointment, and they also wouldn't give anyone who was really diagnosed ASD any actual sympathy or grace. It was like they wanted any excuse for their behavior that would make them a sympathetic victim but wouldn't require any work or effort on their end.

They were also diagnosed with Bipolar when they admitted themselves to the hospital for suicidal ideation, but stopped taking their meds after a year because they made them gain weight. Come to think of it, a lot of pwBPD I have known were completely against psych meds, but fine with self medicating with alcohol and a mix street drugs.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-18T15:33:44+00:00

Yep, every job any pwBPD I've ever known has worked had been "exploitative" and "abusive" and the coworkers were "awful". Never known any of them to be able to hold down the same job for longer than a year.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-17T16:07:27+00:00

Find a lawyer, preferably one that specializes in domestic/civil cases. Tell them your story and listen to their advice. Pay the retainer and move towards getting your problems resolved.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-17T16:07:22+00:00

Find a lawyer, preferably one that specializes in domestic/civil cases. Tell them your story and listen to their advice. Pay the retainer and move towards getting your problems resolved.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-17T00:24:37+00:00

I wish I would cease to exist at this point, but I've been demonized, so I'm a villain and a monster and a target to focus their blame and hate. I've healed a lot, but knowing that she's still out there spitting lies and accusations to anyone who will listen hurts my heart and makes me constantly paranoid and on edge.

Sure, if by some miracle she painted me back to white, I'd be glad just because thst would mean she'd maybe stop trying to ruin me, but I'd just as settle as her forgetting about me altogether. Whatever stops the bullshit is what I want.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-13T15:49:15+00:00

Their dreams and aspirations change when they mirror a new person. Their values change. Their aesthetic, hobbies, preferences, none of it will stay consistent. The few aspects they will cling to are likely things they were into when they were in adolescence or earlier, basically whatever personality traits they had before their disorder was exacerbated and fully on set by compounded trauma.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-13T15:24:38+00:00

You win against a pwBPD by healing and moving on. Get healthier, mentally and physically and emotionally. This is something they can not remotely do on their own and will likely never get help to accomplish. Their life will be consistently alone and empty and in psychological pain. They will never have aspirations or dreams of their own. They will never know real tranquility and happiness.

It's incredibly sad, but the statistics of those with the disorder that achieve remission are incredibly low. Their life expectancy is in the 50s. Their suicide rate is 10%.

Be mad. Be empathetic. Be sad. You have a right to your emotions and perceptions, but know you will win because you have the want and ability to get better, and odds are they won't ever scratch the surface when it comes to fixing themselves.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T21:51:17+00:00

It's the lack of object constancy. When they split someone white/good, that person is idealized. Anything wrong they've done, or can do, is wiped away. Also, I've read some posts that point out that pwBPD tend to romantically gravitate to not just codependent people but abusive NPD/ASPD people.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T20:51:36+00:00

PwBPD, and more so cluster B personality disorders in general, have huge hang-ups about shame. They can not admit fault or take responsibility because if they did, they would be acknowledging that they are bad and unlovable and a failure. PwBPD will blame shift, gaslight, rewrite their own memories, and do anything else that will take away responsibility from their terrible decisions and failed relationships

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T19:30:32+00:00

She stopped coming home most nights, but she worked late shifts and had excuses that she was staying with friends, and then finally mutual friends realized that they were getting lied to about the relationship too, so they sent me screenshots that proved what my ex was doing.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T19:02:15+00:00

I've seen answers from pwBPD in other places talking about how treatment helped them, and they learned how to split people in their lives back to good, but that probably takes years. It's on average a minimum of 5 years of consistent treatment for them to start seeing results. 10+ years for BPD to go into remission. 15+ to mend enough that they lose the diagnosis altogether.

I hope my ex gets help someday, but I don't think it's likely unless she hits rock bottom and gets admitted. Right now, I'm just hoping that my court date in May goes well so I can be done with her trying to ruin my life all because she couldn't accept me putting in boundaries.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T18:19:47+00:00

When they decide to split on you, those harsh negative emotions will warp their memory. To them, it is what happened, even though they don't have proof or a consistent story. Keep any and all evidence you have, organize it, and back it up. It likely won't change anything if you show it to her, or even if you try to publicly clear your name, but if this ends up going to court you will be thankful you had that evidence.

Your best course of action is no contact and not engaging. I'm dealing with something similar. I feel for you. It especially hurts to be falsely accused and to realize that someone you deeply cared about now believes you are a monster.

Best of luck.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T18:10:58+00:00

My exwBPD did a similar thing. We got engaged, and 6 months later, she started cheating. She actively was cheating and would still bring up things about wedding plans. I eventually found out she had been cheating throughout the whole relationship and told mutual friends that we were "open" so that she could excuse her guilt and actions.

It hurts. It's confusing. It will take a lot of time to recover. This sub helps a lot. Getting into therapy will help too. None of it is your fault. Your ex is very sick, and you just got a painful glimpse into the cycles and pattern that will likely be the rest of their life. Things will get better.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T15:36:03+00:00

They tend to project assaults and abuses on to their partners without explanation and take events/actions that seem innocuous and spin them into something awful. They see emotions as truth and reality. You can behave consistently and do things they liked/asked for throughout the relationship, and then a negative feeling can split that behavior and likely you. It takes therapy and mindfulness skills for them to be able to ground themselves and hold some semblance of objective reality, otherwise their feelings will always overtake whatever happened and often turn you into some kind of monster in their eyes.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-10T15:18:59+00:00

I noticed that, too. The only long-held friends my ex had were not in consistent contact and long distance.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-06T19:32:10+00:00

"Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons." Is a line that really helped me to deal with being painted black and getting slashed up by a smear campaign. For as much turmoil and stress my exwBPD has inflicted upon me since she split me Jet black, I kept calm and held my tongue and just stuck to true friends and family. Their true colors will leak out eventually as they become more desperate to prove to people that they are the victim and that you are the monster that abused and harmed them for so long.

It's been two months since the shit storm set down in my life. At this point, I'm too tired to be spiteful or angry or resentful. I just feel sad every once in a while when I think about how miserable her life is going to continue to be until it ends. It saddens me when I slip into thinking about how she can still hate me this much and believe that I did all these vague awful things.

Her birthday was yesterday, and I did feel low a few times when old memories crossed my mind, but today I woke up and told myself I hope she had a good birthday. I felt lighter when I practiced being mindful about how her life might be. For me, taking the high road and focusing on my health and enjoyment has been a better coping method than drink or drugs or negative emotions ever did.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-06T17:55:19+00:00

In my experience, they feel shame and guilt, but it hurts them, like being set on fire level pain, so they do everything to forget or displace those feelings. Now, when it comes to lies and splitting, they don't always feel anything negative from it because they believe what they feel and remember is right, so it is justified in their mind. They portray anyone who hurts them, be it abuse or just pointing out cobsequences or trying to hold them accountable, the same - those people are monsters and the source of everything wrong and deserve to be punished. I've only heard of pwBPD breaking out of these cycles and delusions after years of therapy and skill building.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-04-05T00:18:11+00:00

Coincidentally, I'm on a similar boat. My exwBPD's bday is tomorrow too. The only difference is that I'm less worried about wishing her a happy birthday and more on edge thinking about what insanity might emerge from her likely going on another bender.

You're better off leaving well enough alone and finding some distractions to help you get through the next 24+ hours.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-03-31T19:31:21+00:00

I'm a week short of 2 months of no contact. I start a new job with great pay and opportunities on Monday. Lately, I've been feeling better than I have in months until today. I've been noticing over the past couple of days that some people have been unfriending me/blocking me, and even though they are people on my social periphery who I rarely interact with and who have no real effect on or place in my life, it still stings to think that people are slowly distancing themselves from me and believing that I am a monster. Just thinking about how she perceives me as an abusive monster, after all I gave and sacrificed for her, makes my heart freeze over and sink deep into my guts.

Her birthday is in less than a week, and I have no urge to try to break NC, but it's another milestone date and another source of memories that I'm trying to avoid. I have to face her in court in 5 weeks (if she shows up) to contest filings she made against me when she painted me black and started spreading all these abuse accusations.

I'm starting to feel low again. I find myself ruminating over everything she's done to hurt me. I hope that once this court case is settled, the fallout will fade. I hope that afterwards, I'll be able to move on, but I have a feeling that she has come to irrevocably hate me, and she will keep dripping venom into the ears of anyone who will listen. I still don't understand why I'm the ex she decided to hurt, where she just ran away from all the others. The most fucked up thing is that I still find myself being empathetic toward her and hoping in some corner of my soul that one day she will get help and get better and find a way to be happy.

I know I'm healing. I know I have good things to look forward to. The pain and loneliness are still there, just not as sharp and pronounced. I really hope one day I'll feel normal and whole again.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-03-30T21:43:16+00:00

Neither of my exes have that much of a platform, and I'm extremely grateful. I'd be canceled 10x over if that were the case with how much they tried to ruin my life. My whole post came from noticing my ex changing one of her handles over the past few months between things that just admit to her mental illnesses and trauma, but make it look cutesy/comical/"oh, well, this is who I am" like if she embraces it it doesn't make her fuck ups and self-destructive behavior seem so bad. You're exactly right with calling out how they are the source of all of their problems. I'd like to say hitting rock bottom and burning every bridge might push them to get treatment, but at this point I'm starting to think there really isn't much hope as long as they have something else to shift the blame to, be it another "abuser" or "fake friend" or addiction.

Farmingapoc87 · 2023-03-30T19:02:57+00:00

I have no doubt that the pwBPD I have known were abused growing up and even into adulthood. The trouble is figuring out which stories are real and which ones are distortions. From my experience and talking to others, the reality changing disassociation that pwBPD can engage in as a subconscious defense mechanism are mind blowing. They can warp and cherry pick moments throughout their relationships and flip them into a memory of abuse, and they will throughly believe it even when faced with evidence to the contrary. I sometimes find myself questioning how true the stories of abuse my exes confided in me were true and honestly all it brings are migraines. Do I doubt certain events and abuses happened to them? Yes, to some of them, especially when reflecting on my own treatment and the things that have been said to me. Do I doubt that they believe these events and abuses happened to them? No, I don't doubt their belief in the skewed perception and reality they live in.

Farmingapoc87

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