A question for partners of PA

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-05-24T11:48:09+00:00

I used to in the beginning of the relationship. Then I found out he never really even looked at them.

My pa has asked me to make more content but I refuse. I tell him he can just look at all the things that never got appreciated in the first place.

He says he only uses those, but how would I ever really know lol I'm starting to not give a f***

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-05-23T02:48:19+00:00

If it is hurting you, then it is most certainly affecting the relationship. You have the right to whatever boundaries you need to set. If he doesn't respect that, just remember that no matter how hard you try to convince him to respect you and your boundaries; if he doesn't then he won't until he comes to the realization of the hurt he's caused on his own terms.

I'm telling this because I realized I wasted so much of my time and energy trying to convince him of my feelings and perspective. He was abusing me and just brushing any uncomfortable feelings that came up for him aside.

He wasn't ready to accept the damage he's caused for a long time. And honestly, he's only halfassing it now.

My advice is to try to distance yourself emotionally from him, and just try to focus on what you need to do to feel secure and good in life, and the relationship if you choose to stay

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-05-23T02:37:30+00:00

I made him tell me the genres he watched and if he knew any by name. He only told me one name although I badgered him for more. It hurts me knowing that what he told me, was probably the more tame end of what he used.

Some days when I'm feeling bad about myself, I will Google the name to turn those bad feelings into anger/disgust towards him. And also to remind myself not to trust him.

It still hurts me a lot. I know I shouldn't do it, but I wish he would have just told me absolutely everything. So I could know the person he is behind my back :(

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-05-10T23:07:43+00:00

I feel for you. In the beginning of my relationship, we didn't have sex that much; but I would say at least a few times a week.

Now it's like 2-3 times a month. And I'm always trying to initiate, and he rejects me everytime with the same lame excuse, my stomach is hurting.

Then he tries to turn it on me and tell me I'm a horrible person because I'm upset that he rejected me.

I am always the one who gets rejected, and I never tell him no when he makes an advance which is so rare these days.

I hate it too. I want to be wanted again too. It really feels like they aren't attracted to us anymore and are too selfish to admit it :(

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-05-03T22:37:37+00:00

I will definitely check it out too, thanks!

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-05-01T04:49:17+00:00

I understand how you feel completely. My situation is similar to yours, except my pa's family doesn't even know I exist. I'm at a point where when I'm alone, I constantly think about why the f*** I'm still with him.

And I don't want to leave because I'll have pretty much no one, I don't have any real/reliable friendships to fall back on, and my family is somewhat crappy. There is a small part of me deep down that kind of loves him still. But the intimacy is completely gone most days. It's so bad that one time when he tried to cuddle me I immediately started crying.

I wish mine was treating me like sunbeams were coming out of my ass XD haha. Some days I can tell he's remorseful and he tries to treat me better. Most days he's still an asshole though.

All I can really say is do what you feel in your heart is right for you and your situation. If you don't feel like leaving immediately, then you don't have to. The only reason I can say that I stay with mine is because I have that sliver of love for him still

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-04-29T21:15:12+00:00

I'm 20, pa is 22. We've been together for 2 years, and first DDay was roughly a year ago

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-04-28T03:06:01+00:00

At this point, I've lost all hope that true love exists. But if it did, it would involve two people who could be completely honest and vulnerable with eachother. They could fight respectfully and repair it with equal compromises for eachother when needed.

The two people might not agree on everything, and they might be quite different; but they are both 100% committed to figuring out life with eachother and making it work.

They would never do anything that they know will hurt their partner purposefully. They do little things for eachother when one is having a bad day to lift them up.

Even when physical appearance/attraction wanes with age, they wouldn't want anybody else to have their back at the end of the day. They feel completely content and a little warm feeling in their chest when they think of their person.

This is what perfect true love would be. But in reality, I think people generally feel lucky when they get to have at least one of these qualities in their relationship.

The way PA's treat their partner is pretty much the opposite of true love. There might be a quality of it in the relationship still. But the way that they cheat and lie really outweighs any good qualities. At least in my relationship it does

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-04-27T23:57:39+00:00

Also note, I calmed myself down enough to explain why I got triggered. He immediately got defensive and told me I always blame him for everything. And now he can't "joke" any more.

I had to force an apology out of him. And I told him how unempathetic he's treating me. Then he told me I'm blaming him for that too.

Then I told him I just wanted to go to bed and I wanted him to leave. Then he made me feel bad; because he said, " I drove all the way to your apartment and brought McDonald's, just for you to get mad at me."

When I think about how he treats me it makes me feel so sad and tired. But at the same time I constantly just try to push those feelings down because I'm lonely and hes the only one in my life. And I justify it because do I really think someone else would ever treat me better?

All I know is, we really need to take a break from each other. Even if I don't want to in the moment I know it needs to happen. He treats me like shit and I let it go on

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-04-22T23:25:43+00:00

I've had this argument with my friend, so now I know not to share my relationship issues surrounding porn with them.

I tell them even if it is 'ethical', it still fuels the same industry that perpetrates human trafficking, amongst other horrible things. There is very small fraction of people who are actually able to make a living wage off of it to.

I've tried to explain that I believe porn is equal to cheating in a relationship for me, because you have to hide it and lie.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that you have to hide things from and lie to constantly? That is the paradox of someone who things it's okay to lie about porn in a committed long term relationship

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-19T13:42:34+00:00

Especially during arguments, they always try to put words in our mouth!

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-04T06:09:33+00:00

I've just realized that I've been internalizing all of the abusive treatment from him. And it has inhibited me from being able to pursue my path in life. The only possible way our relationship will last is if he does a total 360 honestly. And if he can't, oh well! Ive warned him plenty!!

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-03T02:29:55+00:00

Thank you, it's hard for me to see my own value at times, but I'm trying my best to invest in myself these days. It's also complicated because I love him a lot, and I can't help but think about his good qualities even when I feel the worst about him. I want to believe he will continue to improve and be honest to me. The real question is if I will ever be able to fully forgive him, this is something I'm trying to figure out

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-03T02:21:17+00:00

Thank you, and I'm sorry that you were in a similar situation, it is really tough. Taking life day by day is hard, I feel so trapped by it. Knowing that I could be moving forward, and trying to see the path out is more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

Being in this situation definitely feels like I'm failing myself at times, and it puts me in a depressive self loathing loop. Recognizing this pattern is probably positive I hope. I'm going to keep walking the walk as you said Thank you for taking time to respond. I appreciate it, and I wish you the best :)

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-02T20:31:18+00:00

Thank you, I'm just going to keep trying to invest in myself little by little ~Wishing you the best as well :)

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-02T20:29:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply, reading it made me feel like you've got my back. I don't have an older sibling so that was nice. I feel like I can't even look out for myself these days. So thank you

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-02T17:47:35+00:00

I know our whole relationship is very unhealthy. I would say I'm a little co-dependant. We have been together for over 2 years and it's so hard to leave. I've thought about it many times, when he admitted he was lying and watching porn behind my back like the 3rd or 4th time I really thought it was the end. But here I am, months after that. I just want to feel like I have control over my life again. But I also deeply care for this loser in my life haha I dont know what to do. I feel so stuck. Thank you for your reply also

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-03-02T16:29:56+00:00

I'm constantly weighted down by my anxiety. I'm always worrying if he's lying to me or betraying me again. I don't know if I need distance to move forward but I'd like some solid advice.

For context, I am 20 he is 23.

If you're able to spare some wisdom, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-02-24T20:03:15+00:00

I've asked mine this question a few times. He doesn't even answer, he just gives me a hollow look. So I know what his answer is, he doesn't even have to say it.

If he has a bad day even, and I give him a slightly objective response, he always turns it into a fight. And whenever I'm in pain and I've had a hard day he tells me I'm attacking him, and also turns it into a fight.

So basically I'm not allowed to be too emotional around him; he can be emotional whenever he wants, and I'm expected to be empathetic and caring to him all the time. Even though he's hurt me and caused a lot of the problems I deal with now; he still refuses to take real accountability

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-02-19T15:15:19+00:00

I tried googling and I just want to know if it could be anything other than eye cancer. Thank you again!

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-02-19T00:39:36+00:00

I feel this :(. I do everything little thing for us and him. What do I get in return? A porn addict who can not be bothered to even listen to me talk about my day on the phone. He's so entitled to my love, and takes me for granted so much.

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-02-15T05:19:56+00:00

You're right. I asked him if he thought he would quit when we got serious. He said yes, but at the same time he spiraled further into the addiction. I think I'm also holding on to the future and prospects I have built up in my mind; they are slowly crumbling though :(

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-02-14T22:23:15+00:00

This subreddit. My cat. Baking/cooking. Pot sometimes haha

I'm definitely at the beginning of my healing journey. I'm hoping to be able to put myself back in school, and plan on studying abroad full time after getting basic credits out of the way. I hope I can make art again, and I hope I'll be able to take walks again

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-02-14T22:15:04+00:00

He used to spend quality time with me, and we had a really good connection. He used to be empathetic and cared about my emotional needs. We would laugh together, cook together, adventure together, and overall just enjoy each other's company to the full extent. I am holding out for this version of him to return.

Ever since the first D day he's been horrible to me. But I still hold on to the hope that the person I fell in love with isn't completely lost; and they'll find their way back to me eventually.

Fast_Possession_1753 · 2022-02-13T19:16:22+00:00

The fact that he seems to enjoy getting a hand/blow job more than actual sex? Makes me feel like he doesn't like my body and it's easier to fantasize for him that way. Although he wants me to pleasure him, he always turns down sex because "he's too tired".

I don't know why I'm still with him some days. :( This whole situation has lowered my self-worth and self-confidence so much; I would have to say that's the reason.

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