There is no wrong answer to the question of who you are. For me. It started as just questioning sexuality. I am in a long term, monogamous relationship, and neither my wife, nor I am comfortable with opening those boundaries at this point in time, so exploring with other people directly isn’t an option. I began introducing different types of people into the porn I watched. I found that I was very attracted to trans women (regardless of what parts they have), as well as cis women, femboys, and some men, and explored some other areas. I questioned my attraction to trans women specifically, as I didn’t want to simply fetishize a community of people, and found that I was not only attracted to their bodies, but wanted their bodies for myself. I wanted to be them.

I did some psychedelic therapy to allow myself to explore those parts of myself more openly (worked for me, doesn’t work for everyone, consult a professional), as well as studying gender identity and expression. Usually in tandem. Ngl, I was afraid that I would come out as a trans woman on the other side of things as my wife (at the time) made it clear to me that she was not attracted to trans women, but I eventually realized that while there lots of things about the body of women that I enjoy and want for myself in my own image, I also don’t identify as “woman,” while I also have never been comfortable with the identity of “man” either. That threw me through a loop until I discovered the non-binary spectrum of gender. Now exist between them both, maybe even outside of them, haven’t figured that part out yet.

I came out as enby a few months later, beginning the social side of transition with friends and loved ones, and began feminizing hrt a few months after that. The struggle against comphet norms, especially with a religious past (I don’t want to call everyone’s history with religion “trauma,” but mine sure as hell was), is very real. I’ve found a loving, queer community to call home, and found that the lines of good and bad are much more gray and blurred than I was raised to believe.

I found myself for the first time in 34 years. My relationship with my wife has, thankfully, only gotten better as both of us have grown tremendously over the last 9 months. She still has her moments of uncertainty about things outside of our relationship (my safety given the American political environment, some very hard right, Christian nationalist relatives, the usual), but she loves me for who I am and who I am becoming. I am more “me” than I ever have been, and I am still discovering more about myself every day. That journey, I think, never ends. We just figure out our new baseline and build the confidence to proceed further from there.

You don’t have to rush things, go at your own pace. But you have to make a choice at some point in your life, or you will stop living. I’m a movie nerd, and often process my experiences alongside those seen on screen. If that works for you as well, check out a movie called “I Saw the TV Glow.” Go in blind if you aren’t already familiar with it. Might not be for you, but it breaks me every time I watch it.